


Two

by BlueStarAngel



Series: One [2]
Category: EastEnders (TV)
Genre: Angst, Domestic Fluff, Established Relationship, Grief/Mourning, Implied/Referenced Suicide, M/M, Past Abuse, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-10-30
Updated: 2020-05-25
Packaged: 2021-01-15 00:30:05
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 16
Words: 139,546
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21244544
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/BlueStarAngel/pseuds/BlueStarAngel
Summary: The first year of knowing Callum Highway had been eventful for Ben Mitchell, to say the least. Now, with their relationship out in the open and a new home to enjoy, it looks like their second year should be trouble free. However, with hidden secrets being revealed and the past knocking on their door, will they even make it to their third?A sequel to my story One. Please read that first to fully understand this story. Thank you!





	1. Two AM

**Author's Note:**

> This is a continuation of my story 'One'. That story veered off cannon after the Pride episode, and as such many events that have happened on the show since July are missing or changed in these stories. I may bring in little bits here and there when they seem right though, and fit in with this universe.

Ben snapped out of his sleep. There was no light flitting through the window and he internally cursed whatever had caused his body to wake up before it was strictly necessary. He fluttered his eye lids back shut in the wistful hope that he could get back to sleep quickly, before his mind started to whirr into action.

There was a noise next to him that caused his eyes to spring open again quickly, as if they were cajoling him to notice something wrong. This time his mind had been conscious enough to hear and recognise what it was. Turning over, he saw Callum laying next to him, with his forehead furrowed, and a hand tightly gripping the sheet. There were words coming out of his mouth in harsh, tearful tones but they didn’t make any sense, like his tongue was mouthing speech in a language he wasn’t familiar with. His eyes were squeezed tightly shut, so clearly he was far from awake.

It had been two months since he and Callum had moved into flat together. There was part of Ben that knew it had been quick; that six months together wasn’t exactly a huge amount of time to make a big commitment, and most of that time they had been hiding and creeping around. Keeping their feelings secret even from each other.

Callum was like a whirlwind though. He had come into Ben’s life slowly at first, just there on the outskirts; impossible to miss but so far on the horizon it wasn’t something he had to deal with yet. Ben had to keep on looking though, seeing if it was getting closer and not realising until it was too late that he had been walking towards the tornado the whole time.

It had unnerved Ben at first. He was used to being the one that dragged people into his storm, whether that be intentionally or not. That control and power, in moving so fast and so furious that no one could get close enough to stop you, or if they did, they’d be obliterated. The feeling and rush that gave was almost like nothing else. It was never his intention to hurt anyone, well on most occasions anyway, but when he saw someone crumble who had tried to attack there was a divine pleasure in having the final word.

Occasionally there were casualties. People caught in the crossfire that he warned to stay away. That should have stayed away from him. They didn’t listen. So when everything exploded and debris went flying, he just couldn’t protect them. Being part of Callum’s whirlwind let him understand a little. Once you were in, it was impossible to get out. He felt like he had been trying to sprint away from it for a long time at first, but the windspeed was so strong he’d just been running on the spot.

It was a thought that kept coming back throughout the past year. How did he end up here? A year ago, Ben was out on his own, ready for a fight and ready to take on the world no matter the cost. He’d come back into the Square with a laser beam focus to take over and be strong. A place that had brought him down, kicked him, belittled him and made him feel small. He would show them who he was now. He could take them all apart, and leave them in his wake.

Somewhere along the way it had gone wrong; that plan of his had fallen further back in his mind until it just became a feather in the distance. It was still here, waiting and lingering in his head, whispering to him sometimes and trying to lure him to come closer. When Ben was with Callum though, when he twirled into his life with the force of a thousand thunderstorms, it was hard to notice anything else. He just got sucked into the tornado and found he woke up in a world full of colour.

Ben wasn’t sure the point when there was no turning back. Certainly, that night in the park would seem to make sense. In just the week before, he’d seemed to go through so many feelings and thoughts about Callum; from loathing, to pity, to empathy, to lust. He’d monopolised Ben’s thoughts all that week, creeping in and poking at his brain and Ben just wasn’t sure why.

That night in the park it had been the second time during the week that Ben had let his feelings out around Callum. He despised himself for doing it, for letting his guard down and letting someone see the real him, especially someone who was practically a stranger. He worked so hard to never let anyone see his weaknesses. But he could see Callum and Callum could see him, so there was little point in trying to fight that.

He couldn’t lie. He wanted Callum. Initially, it was just because he wanted to see if he could. To just push and push him until he could see if he could break him. When Callum unravelled that night though, it was because Ben wanted to be close to him. He’d ripped off and thrown away all the other pretences for why they had been dancing around each other all week and found the true reason. He felt he knew Callum and he would have done anything at that point to take away the pain that was clear in his eyes.

He was expecting the kiss. He’d wanted it. He wouldn’t be the one to initiate it, that couldn’t be him. But he waited and could see the very moment in Callum’s eyes he made that decision. One that wasn’t thought over and over and tormented him. One that just felt the most natural thing to do in the moonlight.

What he hadn’t been anticipating was what had followed. He’d half expected Callum to run off as soon as that first kiss had ended, but instead he just seemed more determined. When Callum started to push him backwards and press himself into Ben like he was the answer to so many long standing questions, it all clicked into place. He let Callum take control, he wanted him to. Ben wanted to be lead by someone that he could trust was taking him to a good place.

Before he knew it, Callum’s hands seemed to be everywhere, and for a moment it was just like Ben was clinging on for the ride, willing to go wherever he would take him. Hooking up with a bloke on a Friday night wasn’t exactly a rarity for Ben. There was almost solace in the predictability of it. The whole process, the search, the match, the meet, the sex and the separation. He knew what he was getting; there was a different man every time, a different location, a different act but those things were all interchangeable. He couldn’t remember whether the Australian blew him in the flat by the station or whether it was that northern lad in Lewisham. He could recall the sound of a train screeching by, more than a face or a feeling. It all felt the same.

The night in the park with Callum felt different immediately. True, it was someone he knew and though that was an anomaly, it had happened before. There were guys that he’d gone back to a few times, for as long as he felt that he could control everything and keep them as arm’s length. At any point they started to get too close or want too much, then he ended it and was out of their life without looking back.

The second he’d felt Callum’s hands reach for his buttons, he knew he wouldn’t be able to stop this. That was the difference straight away. Passing that choice, that decision and that control to someone else. That was terrifying, but also liberating. The worry, the fear and the reflection would happen, but at that moment, he just let himself go, to connect with someone in the moonlight. To see and be seen.

Hands had crawled quickly down to Ben’s belt, and he had to admit surprise by the pure intensity and determination of the man in front of him as Callum pulled harshly at the loops and roughly pulled his zip down. It was like he knew what he wanted; that his body was acting on reflex fulfilling a lifetime of unspoken desire.

It was infectious, the relentless pace that Callum was setting up and Ben couldn’t help but move at the same beat; stroking, squeezing and rubbing every part of their bodies with frantic speed. It seemed like a mirrored blur thinking back, but there were almost still images that seemed to be imprinted into his mind. His hand scratching through Callum’s hair, the short strands at the back tickling his palm, while his other fingers lowered to his bum grabbing him, digging in his fingers in contrast.

The kisses were dirty; open mouthed, clashing, reddening and breathy. Ben knew he was vocal, that he couldn’t help letting out a littering of every curse under the sun. He knew he was letting out whispers of everything he wanted done to him, achievable or not while being up against a bench in the middle of a park. None of this seemed to deter Callum, and for some reason Ben had filed away in his mind those sensations and words that caused the other man to get louder. As if he knew this wouldn’t be the only time, though every fibre of his being would usually try to flee with that thought.

Looking over at Callum now, that moment had seemed like a thousand years ago. It hadn’t even been twelve months, but he felt the events of the period could fill a lifetime. Ben put his hand out and very softly brushed a piece of hair off Callum’s forehead. His face was slick with sweat and his body was still twitching.

Ben didn’t know what to do. Seeing Callum like this panicked him anyway. He was strongly protective of his boyfriend and having something wrong that he couldn’t fight or manipulate left him feeling hopeless He knew that waking someone up suddenly from a dream could be troubling, but he couldn’t bear to see Callum like this; like his mind was attacking him from within, not letting him be free.

“Callum,” he whispered softly, running his thumb over his cheek, and hoping he could stir his boyfriend awake gently. “Cal, c’mon wake up.”

Callum’s breath seemed to stop for a minute; his chest remained still and the air exiting from his mouth seemed to freeze. Ben sat up a little more, worried momentarily that it wasn’t just bad dream that was causing Callum’s body to react this way.

This time Ben gave Callum a shove in the ribs, hard enough that it would have to wake him. His boyfriend’s eyes shot open, the smack clearly causing his mind to stun him out of his slumber. Ben could tell that he was still in that place that was causing him so much trouble; his brain was still trying to drag him back in. Callum lashed out an arm, almost as if he was defending himself against an attacker, instead of being tucked up safely in bed with his boyfriend. Ben just managed to dodge out the way as Callum’s elbow swung fiercely.

“Hey, Callum! Stop! Stop” he called out loudly, trying to get his attention and make him realise he was there. “It’s just me, yeah?”

Ben could see when realisation finally dawned. Callum’s eyes seemed to warm and soften. He looked like he was catching his own breath now, rather than the exhales escaping rebelliously. He lifted himself up, leaning back on one hand as he ran his other fingers through his hair. Callum looked up at Ben, clearly seeing the worry he had etched on his face. “I’m sorry,” he commented simply.

Shaking his head, Ben pulled Callum to him. He knew he should probably give him some space but he couldn’t just leave him when he looked so vulnerable. “Don’t be silly,” he replied, as Callum’s head fell to his shoulder. Ben put his hand around his boyfriend’s torso, rubbing his back. His t-shirt that he has worn to bed was sodden with sweat. It was like his body had taken him to his extreme limit without even moving a muscle. “You alright?”

There was a head being nodded against his shoulder, though Ben knew that must be a lie. “Just had a dream,” Callum replied, he voice harsh and raw like he’d been screaming and shouting for his life.

“It weren’t just a dream, though was it?” Ben replied, lacing his fingers through Callum’s hair, the strands slick and unkempt. “Do you wanna talk about it?”

“Nah,” Callum replied, pulling out of Ben’s embrace and giving an him a cautious smile that didn’t reach his eyes. He flickered his look in the direction of the clock that sat on the bedside table. ”It’s late, we need to go back to sleep.”

Ben looked at Callum. His hair was all out of place, his t-shirt was soaked through at the front of his body as well, his legs still looked like they were trembling and he was picking harshly at the skin by the nail of his thumb. “Stay there,” Ben ordered, as he scrambled off the bed. He briefly looked at his phone, sighed at the message he saw, before removing the notification and placing it face down in the table.

“Where you going?” Callum replied, looking confused and starting to make his way to the edge of the mattress.

“I said, stay there!” Ben replied firmly, pointing back at the bed. He hoped Callum would listen, he was quite headstrong, but Ben liked to think he would recognise the insistent tone in his voice.

Heading into the bathroom, he dragged a mat with his foot to place it outside the shower. He opened the screen door and turned the dial, frowning as he tested the water with his hand. Ben then headed towards the kitchen, his feet turning cooler on the solid flooring and he tried to tip toe as quietly and carefully as he could. Grabbing a glass, he slowly filled it with water so the tap didn’t create any extra noise, before heading back into the bedroom.

Ben was pleased to see that Callum was still sitting on the bed when he returned, though he frowned when he saw he was almost in a trance, clearly thinking about whatever had taken over his brain. “Here y’are,” Ben said, handing Callum the glass. “Get some of that down you.”

Gulping quickly, Callum downed the full glass, placing the empty container on the side and taking a deep breath, like he was trying to gasp up as much of the real world as possible to escape whatever had gripped him in his dream. He started to pick at the skin in his hand again. “Stop it!” Ben scolded, knocking Callum’s fingers away before taking his wrist and pulling him up with all his strength. “C’mon, I ain’t dragging you.”

Callum squinted his eyes in confusion, but took hold of Ben’s fingers as he led them out of the bedroom and into the bathroom. “What we doing in here?” he asked his boyfriend.

“Hmm, what could you possible do in a bathroom with the shower running?” Ben replied, taking hold of the bottom of Callum’s T-shirt and pulling it over his head. He threw it towards the laundry basket in the corner before leaning forward and placing a kiss on Callum’s chest. The skin there was salty and still damp, a reminder of his boyfriend’s fight against whatever was plaguing him.

Ben wrapped his arms around Callum’s waist and pulled him closer, resting his forehead on his chest, hoping if he held on tight enough it would keep him safe. It was a fanciful notion, but in his powerlessness it was all he had. He felt fingers come up and lightly scrape through the hair on the nape of his neck, causing the skin to pimple there. “I can sleep on the sofa, if you like. If it was bothering you.”

Ben leaned back and scowled up at Callum. He loved his boyfriend so much, but his earnest depreciation drove him crazy sometimes. “Since when have I been bothered about a bit of sweat and moaning in our bed?” Ben replied, slipping his fingers down to lightly graze Callum’s bum before returning them back up to gently rub his back. “Granted, it weren’t quite the way I enjoy, but I’ll take you as you come. So to speak.”

As Callum gave him a poke in the ribs and the corner of his lips curved up, Ben internally gave a sigh of relief that his boyfriend’s mind may be finally clearing. He knelt down in front of him slowly and ran his forefinger lightly along the waistband of Callum’s boxers where pale skin met cloth. He curved a nail inside and pulled them down, tapping Callum’s thigh gently to get him to lift his feet out of them.

Leaning forward, Ben leant his head against Callum’s hip, giving a series of kisses to the skin in front of him. He could feel a hand slide through his hair gripping it determinedly and scratching slightly at his scalp encouragingly. Ben knew what Callum was asking of him, but it wasn’t the time, as much as he wanted to. Self-control was something that Ben never really thought he had, but with Callum he found he could put his own needs and desires aside easily. He moved his head slighty, giving a very light teasingly brush of his lips to the head of Callum’s cock.

Standing up, he could see the slight look of disappointment on Callum’s face. Ben didn’t want him to feel undesirable, it wasn’t about that, so he stood on his tiptoes to give a kiss to Callum’s lips gripping the back of his neck to pull him in deeply. “C’mon you. Into the shower,” Ben said, when he finally pulled away.

Callum gave a quick quirk of a smile at Ben before lifting the pad of his thumb to delicately slide it across Bens lips, before entering the shower. Ben watched as Callum breathed deeply as the spray of water started to hit his head. He stayed still at first, the drops falling persistently on to his face, but Ben’s heart sunk when Callum’s knees seemed to crumble and he slid down the wall until he landed on the tiled surface.

Chewing on his lip briefly, Ben didn’t know what to do for the best. He hoped the shower would help Callum a little; he knew how much he enjoyed them and how it seemed to calm and centre him, almost like a reset button that would wash away fears and demons. It clearly hadn’t worked this time, and there was no way that Ben was ever going to leave him alone like this.

Pulling off his own T-shirt and boxers quickly, he stepped inside the shower cubicle, ignoring the look of bewilderment on Callum’s face. “Budge up,” Ben said, trying to manoeuvre his way to sit down next to Callum. It was a fruitless task though, the shower was too small and his boyfriend took up too much space, so he sat to the side of Callum, throwing his own legs up and bridging his boyfriend’s, resting his toes on the opposite wall.

“I’m not one for following the beaten track, but generally the shower’s more of a standing location.” Ben said, trying to fill to silence. “Talk to me. What’s wrong?”

Callum started shaking his head, looking down at his hands which were running their way up and down Ben’s legs. “Dunno. I’m just being stupid. It was just a dream.”

Ben himself knew how your mind could be your own worst enemy. Taunting, picking, hissing and whispering thoughts and criticisms that you trusted to believe. He raised his hand to push Callum’s hair off his forehead that the water had plastered down. “Tell me. What happened?”

“I can’t remember really,” Callum replied. Ben titled his head at him questioningly, not wanting his boyfriend to clam up and not feel he could speak. “I can’t, Ben! I don’t know where I am, I just know that I’m running, really fast and that whatever is chasing me is getting closer and closer. I can’t get away, no matter how quick I am. I’m going so fast and every muscle in my body is killing, but I know I can’t stop.”

“Was it like you were back in the army?” Ben asked tentatively. He knew Callum didn’t really speak about that time. Only in little parts here and there and Ben never pushed him for more. He understood that Callum would tell him when he was ready. There was always that difficult line there with Callum. You had to know when to push and when to step back.

“I dunno. It weren’t like anywhere I’d ever been,” Callum replied. “I’m sorry.”

“You don’t think I’ve never had nightmares?” Ben replied, linking his fingers with Callum’s as they rested on his legs. The water still beat down on them, the tiny shards of warmth filling the air with cascading steam that surrounded them in their own little cloud. “At one point I didn’t even want to blink for fear of falling asleep.”

Callum seemed to be thinking about his comment as they let the water layer heavily down on them. Ben knew he wasn’t one to share his feelings much either. For as much as he talked and could patter on until the cows came home, it wasn’t deep. There wasn’t always that depth of what he felt, of what he had felt or what he was feeling. It was hard not to with Callum though. Sometimes his thoughts just poured out of him after days, months and years of trying to keep them flooding out.

He looked over at his boyfriend now. His breathing seemed regular and he had his head back against the wall with his eyes closed. Ben would have thought he could be sleeping were it not for fingers slowly caressing his legs. He didn’t know why Callum always seemed to find comfort and peace within the shower, for Ben all it did was water-log his ears and make his skin feel cold when he got out. He looked around the bathroom. Their bathroom, in their home. It was a thought that brought comfort, even on a night like this.

“Why is there a dog with an erection hanging off the towel rail?” Ben asked suddenly, when the image caught his eye.

Callum quickly opened his eyes and brought his head forward again, looking inquisitively at Ben. “What?” he asked, clearly not sure if he’d heard the words correctly.

Ben nodded towards the offending object. “Hanging over there, that pink thing!”

Callum gave a tut and reached over to give Ben a gentle shove on the shoulder. “It’s a sponge! It’ ain’t a dog, is it? It’s a unicorn!”

“Alright, why do we have a sponge, in the shape of a unicorn with a hard on, hanging in our bathroom?” Ben asked.

“It’s a horn, ain’t it! You’re looking at it the wrong way!” Callum insisted giving Ben’s thigh a squeeze.

“House warming present from Jack was it? I would have preferred a shower with a higher pressure than a rainy drizzle and a bedroom door that didn’t squeak like it was being opened by an axe murder every time there was a slight breeze!” Ben complained, smiling wryly towards Callum, pleased he had distracted him for a little bit. At least for a little while.

“I bought it for Lex,” Callum replied. “I want her to make sure she feels at home when she comes to stay tomorrow.”

“She’s got a room fit for a royal princess and every other little thing she asked for, ain’t she?” Ben responded accusingly. “She’ll be fine. She loves me, she loves you and we’re going to spend the evening having a movie marathon of her choosing. She is a spoilt little madam!”

“You don’t mean that,” Callum said with a grin. “You give her everything she wants.”

“I spoil everyone I love, don’t I?” Ben said rubbing his thumb against Callum’s cheek. “Look at me, giving you an eyeful in the shower at half two on a Wednesday morning. You think everyone gets that sort of five star treatment?”

Callum was still running his hands up and down Ben’s legs, but he noticed his boyfriend’s fingers had got higher now and moved to his thighs. Ben looked up at him through his eyelashes, but spotted that Callum was looking deliberately in the other direction. He gave a small chuckle to himself as he lifted hand to cup his chin and turn it to face him. Callum’s hand moved higher now, long purposeful fingers stroking feather touches onto Ben’s cock, which seemed to score like electric up through his body.

Ben knew that Callum was just trying to get the feeling of his dream out of his body, that he wanted to replace it with something good and loving and he couldn’t in all heart deny that from him, as much as he was still worried about his boyfriend. He stopped Callum’s movements briefly as he leaned his palm against the wall to give him enough space to swing his leg over to straddle Callum’s thighs.

It wasn’t exactly the most comfortable position that Ben had been in, and it was certainly an A&E trip waiting to happen, but he didn’t care. Neither it seemed did Callum, who pulled his boyfriend forward in a series of fast kisses, while his hands moved over Ben’s body, sliding quickly with the relentless water that still fell.

They were quickly broken out of their movements when there was a persistent banging at the door. Ben groaned as he leaned back on Callum’s legs. “You have got to be kidding me!” he complained.

“What is that?” Callum asked, clearly confused by the sound that had interrupted them.

“You know exactly who it is!” Ben replied, with a frustrated sigh, before moving to climb off Callum. “I suppose I better let her in before she wakes up the whole Square!”


	2. Two Lies

“How is she even managing to make that amount of noise?” Callum asked, as Ben lifted himself up, using the wall to try and precariously balance himself. The loud thudding slowed slightly, but was still noisy enough that the neighbours would hear it.

“I don’t know, Callum. Why don’t you try asking her?” Ben replied with a roll of his eyes, as he stepped out of the shower and grabbed a towel off the rail. “See what response you get.”

The banging had stopped momentarily, but Ben knew it wouldn’t be long before it started up again. He quickly towel dried himself before grabbing his dressing gown off the door to put on. He looked back at Callum who was still sitting beneath the spray, like an underwater creature trying to breathe on land.

Ben opened the door to the bathroom up, a little at first, before his hand was jolted off the handle. The door was forcibly swung backwards by the entering figure.

“Hey Jet! Come here darlin!” Callum called out to the dark furred dog who entered the room, happily wagging her tail at finding her targets.

When Ben had organised to move in with Callum, he had just planned on it being the two of them. They had spent so long with other people diverting their relationship; their families, their past and even themselves to a certain extent. He just wanted it to be the two of them. Of course, there would need a place for Lexi, and it wasn’t about ignoring those few people in their lives that they loved. It had just been such a struggle to get to where they were. It wasn’t a normal start to a relationship. He didn’t want anything disturbing or upsetting the balance of that.

Callum had mentioned getting a dog almost straight away. It had taken Ben a little by surprise and his initial reaction had been to completely dismiss the idea. It would just be another interruption into their relationship, something else to stand between them and to worry about. There was a little hesitancy about the responsibility too, adding to the commitment of the flat, it was a big step. It wasn’t because he didn’t want to be with Callum, but there were those whispers there in his head. That something would happen. It wouldn’t work out. That someday soon Callum would wake up and realise the mistake he made.

Eventually, he had agreed, once Callum had confessed about wanting a pet in his childhood. They shared that. The loneliness, the shame and the fear. They were both born of the same fire and thinking back to his own youth, Ben couldn’t see how he could refuse. Perhaps it was the fact that Ben didn’t want either of them to look back, that made him agree too quickly. He didn’t want to think about that time, or for Callum to think back to his past.

That being said, he didn’t expect anything to come of it. At least not for a long while, if at all. A few days after they moved in though, they went for a drive in the car that Ben had bought Callum. It was freeing and relaxing, and good to get out of Walford for a little while at least.

“Stop playing with it and just leave it on one station,” Callum had tutted, as he removed a hand from the steering wheel to smack Ben’s hand away. “You’re going to break it!”

“Oh I’m sorry! I wasn’t aware you were a particular fan of seventies folk music intermixed with static,” Ben replied, leaning back in his seat and resting his elbow on the window. He always got restless when he wasn’t driving; the lack of control putting him slightly on edge. He would have been even worse if it wasn’t Callum driving, though with his boyfriend’s navigation skills he wasn’t quite sure they’d end up at the destination he had planned. “We learn something new about each other every day, don’t we?”

“We don’t have to have it on at all, do we?” Callum responded softly, lifting up his arm and beckoning him closer with his hand. Ben quietly leaned into the invitation, resting his head on Callum’s shoulder and gently rubbing his hand on his thigh. “Better?”

Ben nodded against Callum’s shirt, squeezing his leg a little to let him know that he was just happy to be here. He was just happy they were together. “Did you have a place in mind? Are we just circling around in the hopes we’ll eventually zero in on it?” he asked, tickling the seam of Callum’s jeans to let him know he was teasing. “You finally figured out that we’ve got more chance of getting somewhere if we drive around aimlessly than you trying to read a map?”

“Oh shut up!” Callum replied with a grin. “We’re almost there anyway.”

Looking out the window, Ben was almost hypnotised by the stream of trees and bushes fencing the road, the leaves blurring into a brush of speeding green. As they slowed down a little, a sign caught his eye and everything clicked into place.

“No!” he said, quickly sitting up and facing Callum accusingly. “It’s not happening!”

“What?” Callum replied casually, turning to face Ben. “We’re just out for a drive, we might as well take a look now we’re here.”

“Don’t give me that!” Ben said, shaking his head in disbelief. “And don’t give me those eyes either. You’re not that innocent and I’m immune to that look now.”

“Well we’re here now, ain’t we?” Callum replied, a soft smile on his lips at the look on his boyfriend’s face, as he pulled into the rescue centre. “I know we’re not exactly going to get one today, but it’ll give us a good idea, won’t it?”

Ben looked at his boyfriend and at Callum’s eyes pleading back at him. With a huff, he undid his seat belt. “Ten minutes and then we’re back in the car!”

Half an hour later, Ben felt like he had enough knowledge on every breed of dog that he could now capably judge Crufts. He and Callum had been met by Susie, a worker at the centre, who had enthusiastically gripped their hands and whisked them off for a tour of the kennels. They had barely got a word in with her soliloquies on Schnauzers, Shih-tzus and Salukis. Callum was lapping it up though, grinning and nodding along; the worker had naturally taken to him immediately. People always did.

Susie had been called away briefly with the promise to be back. In the meantime, they both carried on strolling around the centre. Callum stopping at every dog and looking back at Ben questioningly.

“We live in London, Callum. If we want something that size, we can slip a diamante collar around a rat’s neck and no one would know the difference,” he mentioned, when Callum had stopped in front of a yappy Chihuahua. “Do you really think that’s us?”

Callum gave a resigned shrug. “Probably not. Lexi would like it though.”

“Lex also wants a narwhale, but I ain’t going to jump in the ocean and drag one back by its horn and shove it in a basket by the fireplace am I?” Ben exclaimed, hoping to make Callum realise that this was all a big mistake. “I mean, can we really get a dog? What when we’re both at work?”

“It can come with us!” Callum said, coming up behind Ben and wrapping his arms around his neck. “It’s not like we work in Tesco is it?”

Ben placed a small kiss to the arm in front of him. “Oh Jay will love that; some mongrel gnawing at his coffins and barking loud enough to wake the dead!”

“He puts up with you, don’t he?” Callum replied with a laugh and kissed Ben’s hair when he tried to pull away at the comment. “Well, if I can’t have it at work, then we can leave it at your mum’s. Or at your dad’s even.”

Ben spun around to face his boyfriend, who apparently wasn’t thinking clearly. “Callum, he’s still iffy about letting you in the house. You really think he wants our pet poodle scratching up Sharon’s nylons?”

Before his boyfriend could respond, Susie returned, a bright smile on her face. “Have you seen anything yet?” she asked, looking towards Callum. Ben thought about how he had a way about him, that just drew people in. They felt comfortable talking to him. When they looked at Ben, it was like they knew everything he was. That they could see every mistake and every flaw, every vicious thought and every weak moment.

As the lady waylaid Callum and directed him to some trembling cockerpoo, Ben wandered down the row of sad eyes staring up at him. He lived with Callum; he was able to refuse large, expectant eyes looking at him. Well, he tried anyway. That was always the plan.

There was a vague familiarity about this walk that Ben tried not to focus on. Cage after cage, all the same, all limited in size and detail. The faces looking out had all been through something, all had their secrets buried away. He knew it wasn’t the same. The volunteers here were loving and caring, not giving a smile through gritted teeth as they turned a blind eye. The inmates were all cared for, given as much nurture as time allowed. No one dismissed them and wrote them off or mocked them for being different and not fitting in.

Ben reached the end of the corridor and leant his back against the wall, putting his hands in his pockets and sighing. There was a part of him that liked the idea of getting a dog; but it was a part that lived deep down inside. The whispering voice that mimicked and mocked and kept telling him that Callum wouldn’t stay. That eventually he’d realise he’d made a huge mistake and Ben wasn’t the person he thought he was. He’d see through him. A dog would maybe be one more reason for him not to leave.

Or it would be one more thing to have its heart broken when this all fell apart. Ben tried to throw away the thought and push it back down, shaking his head at the absurdity of the whole situation he'd found himself in. A high pitched whine soon distracted his attention though.

Looking to the container next to him, he saw a pair of dark brown eyes staring up at him. Ben kneeled down and shuffled closer and the tapping of a wagging tale thudded on the floor. “Hey darlin’,” he whispered, though the dark haired dog still lay with its head tucked into its paws. “What’s your story?”

“Neglect, I’m afraid,” a voice replied, and Ben turned to see Susie standing behind him. Callum was by her shoulder and gave him a quick smile. “This little one is only a few years old; her owner didn’t care about her though, not really, no matter how much love she tried to give. She was brought in after another dog in the home received injuries he just couldn’t recover from. He had to be put to sleep unfortunately.”

“How could someone do that to an animal?” Callum asked, shaking his head. Ben looked up at him. With all Callum had been though in his life, unkindness still surprised him.

“It happens all the time, I’m afraid,” Susie replied, clearly having seen it all. “Juliet here is a common example. She’s a quiet thing usually, but she hates being alone. We’ve had a few people look at her, but she’s a mixed breed; we think a little bit of lab, a bit of staffie perhaps, and she’s quiet. People go for the pure breeds first and then the dogs who are up showing interest and wagging their tales. No one really notices her.”

“We’ll take her,” Ben said quickly, before he could change his mind. He put a couple of fingers through the bars of the cage and stroked at Juliet’s paw. She rewarded him with another couple of thumps of her tail. He looked up at Callum. “That’s ok, isn’t it?”

Callum gave him a smile as he looked down at them. “Yeah. I think we can do that.”

They couldn’t take her straight away of course. A worker from the rescue centre had to come have a look around their flat to see if it was suitable, and Callum had elbowed Ben hard in the ribs when he’d told her not to worry as they kept all hard drugs in the higher cupboards out of reach. There had also been some debate about the dog’s name as well.

“What’s wrong with Juliet?” Callum asked on the journey home. “She’ll be used to it.”

“Callum, I am not standing in the middle of a dark park calling out for Juliet,” Ben replied insistently. “I’d like to keep my kneecaps. Besides, I doubt her last owner called her much at all.”

They’d eventually settled for Jet, which seemed fitting on a many levels, and they had collected her just a few days ago. She’d slinked into the flat, given a little sniff around and hopped up on the sofa. That’s where she’d pretty much stayed for the last few days, unless Ben and Callum had tried to leave, and she’d slam herself into the door, jumping up at it repeatedly. She wasn’t happy when they went to bed either, but Ben was insistent that she stay out of the bedroom during the night.

When he’d gone to get Callum some water earlier, he’d crept so quietly, as Jet was sleeping on the sofa, but clearly she’d sensed they were both awake and in the bathroom.

“She don’t like it!” Ben said, as Callum tried to call her over to her in the shower. “We got the only dog in the world that hates the water.”

“That’s ok, darlin,” Callum said, as he pulled himself up and stepped out the shower. Ben went to hand him a towel, but pulled it back teasingly, looking his boyfriend up and down with a smile. Callum grinned back at him and walked closer, backing him into the wall. Ben slightly stood on his tiptoes as Callum leaned down and started kissing his neck. Running his hands down his boyfriend’s water-slick back, they settled on his hips and Ben gripped in with his fingertips, urging him even closer.

Ben leant his head back, a dull thud bruising the skin as it hit the tile. He could feel Callum’s teeth graze his collar bone while his hand was busy slipping inside Ben’s dressing gown, grazing his lower stomach. There was a wet sensation at his feet, and Callum must have felt it as well, because he pulled his head back in confusion, looked down and smiled.

Laying on the floor, Jet was lapping happily at their ankles, moving equally and fairly between both their feet. Ben handed Callum the towel and sighed. “I told you getting a dog weren’t a good idea. She’s gonna ruin our sex life. We’re going to be one of those couples who only fucks every third Saturday and does it under the covers with the lights off.”

Callum whipped him with the towel he was using to dry off, before squinting his eyes at him. “What are you talking about?” he said, as he finished drying off and then started to walk back to the bedroom. Ben watched him walk away for a few seconds, before following the view down the hallway. “We had sex when you got home about six hours ago! I’m sure waiting until tomorrow won’t kill either of us. Well, today I guess. Sun will be up soon.”

Ben gave a groan as Callum pulled on a fresh set of boxers and sat on the bed. “Lexi’s here tomorrow, aint she?” he replied, sitting next to his boyfriend and leaning his forehead against Callum’s shoulder. He gave a small kiss there. “We’ll be stuck all night on the sofa with her and our shadow over there.”

Lifting his head slightly, Ben nodded towards the door where Jet sat patiently, looking at them with a cocked head. “Lex won’t be here till after school though, will she?” Callum replied, laying down on the bed and pulling Ben with him. “I can always take the morning off. We ain’t got a funeral tomorrow.”

“I’ve got to go to work early though,” Ben replied, kicking himself for having arranged the meeting. He couldn’t miss it. He just couldn’t risk it no matter how much he wanted to stay here. He kicked down the covers, and leaned back against the headboard before motioning to Callum to lay his head down. “Some geezer’s interested in that beamer we got in last week. I can’t risk not giving him the hard sell.”

“It’s ok, I get it,” Callum replied, as he curled up to Ben’s side and lay his head down on his chest. Ben breathed in as he felt Callum’s fingers trace and caress his stomach, playing with the soft hair there. “The money couldn’t hurt. It’s important.”

Ben let his eyes shut as guilt coursed through him. “I’ll give the guy a call in the morning,” he said after a moment. He ran his fingers through Callum’s still damp hair, putting it into place. “How you feeling, baby?”

“I’m fine,” Callum mumbled as his hand stilled slightly, betraying his words. “It was just a dream. Stupid really.”

“Is that the first one?” Ben asked, as he gently lifted Callum’s chin up so he could meet his eyes. “You ain’t been having more have you?”

“Nah,” Callum answered, lowing his eyes slightly until Ben tapped his cheek to get his attention back. “No, Ben! You’d know, wouldn’t you?”

Ben squinted back at him, not entirely believing the words. Callum could be this beautiful open book to him most of the time, where he could just tell what he was feeling. It was like having a code to a secret language that only he could decipher. There were still things that his boyfriend kept hidden though, deep down, that he wouldn’t dare whisper. They were similar in that way.

“Try and sleep, yeah?” Ben murmured, as Callum’s eyes started to close at the gentle fingers combing his hair. “You’ve got to wake up early to ring Jay and tell him you won’t be in. The earlier you are the less he’ll question it. His brain don’t quite wake up for the first few hours. Cal?”

There was just the soft sound of breathing as Callum had drifted off to sleep finally. Ben continued to stroke the stands of his hair, watching his boyfriend in what seemed like a peaceful rest. He stayed like that for at least twenty minutes, until he was sure that Callum was settled and in a deeper slumber.

Gently manoeuvring himself away from his boyfriend’s grip, Ben shuffled off the bed as carefully as he could, constantly checking to see if Callum would wake up. He was breathing deeper now, his eyelashes fluttering slightly and Ben took that as a sign that it was safe to leave him for a moment. Padding towards the bedroom door, he gripped his phone in his hand, stopping when big eyes looked up at him.

“Keep an eye on him for a minute, ok Jet darlin?” Ben said quietly, bending down to stroke the dog keeping guard, giving her a grateful scratch when she pressed her cheek into his hand. “Good girl.”

Ben walked across the hallway and opened the door. He stepped into the second bedroom that would be Lexi’s when she came to stay. It was painted in a light baby blue, complete with bedding covered with mythical creatures, curtains laced with bows and enough stuffed animals to sink a battleship. Sitting down on the bed, he scrolled through his phone, before pressing the dial button.

“Yeah it’s me. How’d it go?” he asked in a lowered voice. “You get the money? No problems then? Yeah, listen. I’m gonna be a bit late for the meeting with him tomorrow. I need to push it back a couple of hours…Well, if he kicks up a fuss, remind him who’s in charge. Remind him what happened last time he crossed me.”


	3. Two Intruders

As the door to the car lot slammed shut, Ben leaned back in his chair with a sigh. The meeting had been a disaster. He knew it would be, as soon as he told his connection he needed to be there late. Tapping the large, full envelope on his desk, he’d now have to think of a plan B if he wanted the association to continue. It wasn’t an option of what he wanted. He needed it to carry on. He needed to see this through.

A buzzing distracted him from his thoughts. He scratched absently at one of the stars on his phone case, before turning it over to have a look at the message. The name on the screen couldn’t help but make him smile.

_You weren’t attached to those grey socks were you? Jet may have got peckish. Don’t work too hard. Miss you xx_

The guilt flooded through his body as the other part of his life came storming through. After the meeting he just had, Callum’s words seemed so surreal. Ben couldn’t process it sometimes. When they weren’t together, it was like he’d created this world in his head where he was loved and safe and with someone who adored him and who he adored. He couldn’t believe it. It felt like an illusion. Too good to be true and thoroughly undeserved.

He’d walked in the door the other day to find Callum asleep on the sofa with Jet. She looked up at him with her big brown eyes, as she snuggled into the blanket. There was a connection there, an understanding. What are we doing here, you and me? Lost souls who had been purged, finding themselves at heaven’s gate to a garrison of open arms. Knowing they didn’t deserve it. Knowing that it will all be taken away and they’ll be sent back to the flames.

That was it. He felt like he was just a visitor to this world that was so full of comfort and love; an impostor waiting to be pointed out.

Ben put the phone down, not feeling like he could text Callum back anything authentic. He couldn’t discuss anything domestic while sitting here with an envelope full of cash gained through darkness. He flipped his thumb through the notes. When the door suddenly opened with a clatter, he quickly opened the drawer to his desk and swiped the cash into it.

“Now that’s a guilty face if ever I saw one. Even for you.”

Ben tried to let the tension out of his shoulders, though he was sure he looked more than a little shifty. “You look at dead people all day. Any hint of muscle movement makes you suspicious,” he replied to Jay, kicking his drawer shut. “What you doing here anyway? You ain’t got some flowers to arrange? Urns to polish?”

“I popped out to get some lunch and thought I saw someone in here,” Jay replied, stepping further into the office and squinting his eyes at Ben. “Excuse me for trying to make sure you ain’t getting robbed!”

“It’s the middle of the day, bruv. It’s more likely to be me than some geezer with a stripy top and a swag bag climbing through the letterbox,” Ben replied, getting up out of his seat and taking some files from the desk to keep his hands busy. “Those embalming fumes clouding your brain?”

Jay tutted in his direction and sat down on the sofa. “No, but your other half phoned in sick this morning complaining of a cough while sniffing loudly,” he replied sceptically. “That, and I could hear you laughing away in the background. Don’t take a genius to smell out a rat does it?”

“He was going down with something bad,” Ben smirked back.

Jay pulled his face into a grimace. “Yeah, well that begs the question. What you doin’ here?”

“I’ve got work to do,” Ben replied, shuffling some papers about unconvincingly. “I’ve got a flat, a daughter, the mother of my daughter, an underpaid boyfriend with a grouch of a boss, and a dog to provide for! You think I can do that based on Keanu giving a couple of tune ups and an oil change at the Arches?”

“Yeah, alright,” Jay said, holding his hands up in submission. “That all then is it?”

“What, that ain’t enough?” he responded, sitting back down on his chair.

Jay shrugged. “You just look a bit on edge, don’t you?” he said quietly, leaning forward. “Like you did last year.”

“Well, I was running around trying screw the local golden boy in secret, wasn’t I?”

“That weren’t the only thing though,” Jay responded, trying to convey his meaning, but not wanting to scare Ben off. “Or do you not remember turning up blind drunk on my doorstop the day after Callum’s wedding, telling me all about Newcastle last summer?”

“You think getting pissed is dancing on a table after a few baby shams; I was barely tipsy,” Ben replied, trying to ignore Jay’s statement. He knew he probably said too much that night. “Anyway, since when do you listen to a word I say?”

“Ben,” Jay started, standing up and moving towards him. “You can tell me you know. It’s not like you can shock me with anything, I’ve known you too long.”

Ben for a moment paused, thinking through whether he should just blurt everything out. For a second he wanted to. For one moment he just wanted to get everything off his chest; Newcastle and all that followed, his dad, his boyfriend and how he felt his life was balancing on a head of the pin, ready to all fall off at any moment. The compulsion passed. He couldn’t tell anyone, not even Jay. This was his problem to deal with. “Do you know what, mate? You’re absolutely right,” he said, giving Jay a pat on the cheek as he past him and went to pick up his coat. “What am I doing here when I’ve got a gorgeous man ready, willing and able? Lucky I kept him strapped to the bed, eh?”

“Thanks for that image. Think I might give lunch a miss now,” Jay said, shaking his head. “Seriously Ben, if you want to talk-“

“Not now, bruv,” he said, heading towards the door. “I’ve got places to go, boyfriends to do. Lock up when you’re done psychoanalysing my office, would you?”

Ben slammed the door shut behind him and took a deep breath. He’d arrange another meeting. It would go better. All he had to do now was just go home and spend the evening with people he loved.

As he shut the front door to his flat, he could hear singing and the sound of the radio on. He turned into the lounge with a smile. Callum was standing at the sink, swaying slightly as he washed up to the sound of the song. Ben placed his keys on the side and quietly sat down on the sofa. He couldn’t help his smirk from growing as his boyfriend clearly hadn’t heard the door open. It was good to see Callum like this; care free, happy and relaxed. It was a far cry from how he was last night.

“Do you take requests?” Ben called out after a minute, unable to hold his tongue any longer. A plate crashed in the sink, as Callum quickly spun around at the unexpected sound. “Can I have a chorus of Afternoon Delight?”

“Jesus!” Callum exclaimed, as he turned the tap off. “I didn’t hear you get back. I thought you said you’d be another few hours?”

“Why you got another man hiding in your bed? If I find out Éclair Man from the market’s slipped between our sheets then I won’t be happy. Don’t want his pastry cream squirting everywhere.”

“Don’t be ridiculous!” Callum replied as he came down to sit on the sofa next to Ben. He put out his hand and softly played with the short hair behind Ben’s ear. “We always meet at his place.”

Ben knocked his hand away, as Callum started to giggle. “That’s not remotely funny, soldier boy!” he barked, pushing Callum onto his back. “He always looks all hot and cross at your buns.”

Callum tutted as he pulled Ben on top of him. “We ain’t even said two sentences to each other,” he replied, as Ben straddled his hips. “I doubt he even knows who I am.”

“Please,” Ben muttered, as he leaned down and started to kiss Callum’s throat. “You walk past at least twice a day and his eyes look like they’re about to fly out of his doughy head.”

“Well, I ain’t noticed him, have I?” Callum replied, placing one hand on Ben’s hips to force them down. The other he tangled in his hair. Ben felt his breath quicken at the insistant grasp. “I’ve got all I need here, ain’t I?”

“Obviously,” Ben said with a grin, lifting his head up and pecking Callum on the lips. “Just be careful he don’t ask you to flake his croissant.”

Callum looked up at him with a soft smile and large eyes, as he brought his hand around to chase along Ben’s cheek. The roughness of his palm felt so real, the solidness of Callum’s body underneath him and the scent that could only ever be his boyfriend’s, made Ben question why anything else could ever matter.

“You were in the army, would save a kitten from up a burning tree if need be, and came out in front of a whole pub full of people. You’re clearly Gryffindor, babe.”

To punctuate his point, Ben threw a piece of popcorn in Callum’s direction. They were in their third hour of a Harry Potter marathon that Lexi had insisted on. Before that, she had spent twenty minutes twirling around her new bedroom, hugging her new toys and unsuccessfully tying to put an Elsa wig on Jet.

His precocious daughter soon complained about feeling hungry though, so with a laugh Ben offered to go get Fish and Chips. He gave each of his little family a quick kiss on his way out, picked up his keys from the counter and headed out the door.

The air was still fresh for late spring, and the nights were still dark for the early hour. The scuff of Ben’s shoes were the only noise as he made his way down the dimly let street. In hindsight, he could blame his preoccupied mind for not noticing the shadow creeping behind him. Without realising until it was too late, a hand dragged him by the scruff of his jacket and dragged him, slamming him into the wall. He could feel his elbow graze and his lower back bruise, the pain shooting up his body. He choked out a laugh and threw his head back at the face holding him to the wall.

“Your gaffer know you’re making house calls?” Ben spat out at the man. “Or are you here for pleasure rather than business?”

The man backed off a little and Ben almost let out another laugh at how predictable that was. He looked him up and down slightly; he was young, in his twenties or perhaps early thirties, tall and well built, with a buzz cut. He was with his boss and another underling during the meeting this morning at the car lot.

“Nothing personal, sunshine,” Buzz Cut replied, using his palm to push Ben back against the wall when he tried to stand up straight. “The governor just wanted me to remind you of the deal you made. That’s the second time you’ve tried to do him over in the last few months. Clearly apples don’t fall too far from the tree.”

“This is my deal,” Ben gritted out through his teeth, leaning his nose as close as he could to the other man. “It ain’t nothing to do with my dad anymore.”

Buzz Cut chuckled to himself. “You tell yourself that. If it helps kid yourself that you ain’t just making a fool of yourself in front of Daddy’s friend,” he mocked, this time not flinching away. “A screw up is still a screw up, and a coward is still a coward. I seen men like you; try to play the big man, but run away with their tail between their legs, practically pissing themselves at the first sign of trouble. That’s what you do ain’t it? Run away at trouble and go crying to daddy?”

“Wow, brainless heavy and part time therapist,” Ben said, keeping his jaw set and tone even. “Any other careers in your back pocket I should know about? You flower arrange on the weekend?”

“Wouldn’t you like to know?” Buzz Cut replied, not breaking Ben’s gaze. “I tell you what though; I could always do some babysitting. Take that little blonde girl of yours off your hands.”

Ben’s temper flared up then, giving him the power to throw off the man’s hands. “You even blink in her direction and I’ll rip your guts out through your nostrils.”

“What do you take me for?” the man said with a smile. “I wouldn’t hurt a hair on her pretty little head. I’m just passing on a message from the boss. You think you’re the only one that can dish out punishments? Cross him again and you’ll see exactly what I have the power to do. You’ve got another month to see the deal through.”

With that, he gave Ben another shove against the wall, before putting his hands in his pockets and strolling off down the street. Ben could feel his rage pool in his throat, stilling and stalling his breath in sharp gasps. His nails dug into his hands to try and gain his composure, trying to stop himself However, his brain just kept throwing the same image out; reaching out and just smashing this guy’s head against the pavement over and over again.

His fingers knocked against his pocket with a clatter, his keys sitting heavy against his thigh. Ben brought them out, lacing the end of one of the keys through his knuckles. He could just knuckle punch the guy. It wouldn’t take a lot. Just one hit and it would really send a message that he couldn’t be messed with. He pushed himself off the wall and started walking after Buzz Cut, quickening his pace as his confidence grew. As he passed a lamppost, the light flashed on the keys in his hand. There was a keyring there that looked unfamiliar.

Looking closer, her realised he hadn’t being paying attention when he picked up the keys from the counter. These were Callum’s. There was the keyring that he had got his boyfriend last Christmas. It had the two photos on it. One from the Vic, where they’d carved their initials on Callum’s Stag Night, and the other from the pier in Hastings. Both their names sitting proudly together.

Ben stopped, his temper falling slightly and the shame of what he almost did slipping in. He rubbed the keyring in his fingers before bringing it to his forehead. He squeezed his eyes shut, furious with himself, with who he was and the lack of control he had over his life. He let the man walk away. He was furious at that too.

Glancing at his watch, he realised he’d been gone too long already and quickly walked to the chippy to get their dinner. When he got back to the flat, he took a moment outside the door, rubbing his face in his hands as if it would make the last half an hour disappear.

When Ben opened the door, he put Callum’s keys back next to his on the counter. There was no one in the lounge, but he heard voices coming from Lexi’s room. Rounding around the doorway, he let out a laugh at the scene. Apparently, Lexi had given up trying to dress up the dog and now Callum was wearing a long, blonde, plaited wig.

“You know, the look ain’t quite complete without the blue dress,” he smirked as his boyfriend glared up at him.

“You took your time!” Callum replied, as Lexi noticed Jet was now laying down. She grabbed the wig from its wearer and started to happily tuck the dog’s ears into it. “You go all the way to the seaside for those?”

“I popped in to see my mum on the way,” Ben lied, picking at the paper bag. “You know what she’s like once she starts moaning on about something. I better get these onto some plates.”

Callum got up from where he was sitting and stepped towards Ben giving him a peck on the cheek and holding the hand that wasn’t carrying the chips. “Nah, we’ll just eat from the paper, yeah?” he said, leaning his forehead against Ben’s hair. “All curl up on the sofa and watch a film?”

“Harry Potter!” Lexi squealed, making Jet jump, the wig flying off her head. Looking pleased with herself, she started to gnaw at the end of the plait.

They’d all managed to fit on the sofa, vinegary paper laying on their laps and salt covering their fingers. A while back, Ben had read Lexi the Harry Potter books, even though he’d already bought her the audio books to listen to as she went to sleep. She liked it when he did the voices though. Ever since then, he’d promised that they could watch all the movies together.

Halfway through the second film, Callum and Lexi had started a discussion about what house various family members would be placed in. They were both chatty during films, whereas Ben preferred to be quiet and just listen to what was going on. The sound of two people he loved, sharing their little comments and theories didn’t bother him though. He enjoyed listening to them. It calmed him and grounded him to this world.

Callum had suggested that he might be a Hufflepuff, which both Ben and Lexi objected to. “Alright!” he admitted in defeat. “I’ll take being in Gryffindor. At least I can be in the same house as you that way,” he said, giving Ben’s arm a rub.

“Me?” he responded incredulously. “I hate to disappoint, babe, but you’re dating a Slytherin through and through.”

“No way!” Callum said, screwing up his face in disagreement. “You’d take on anyone; you’re kind and loyal and brave. Right, Lex?”

“Daddy’s just being silly!” she said, now sitting in the chair, stroking Jet as they were watching the movie. “Of course you’re a Gryffindor, Daddy. You said that you’d slay all the monsters under my bed by yourself. You’re really brave.”

Ben could feel his cheeks pink up. On the one hand, it made his heart swell that the two people he loved the most in the world thought so much of him. On the other, he couldn’t believe how wrong they were. If they had seen him earlier, their opinion would soon change. They’d both hate him if they knew how much of a disappointment he really was.

“Well what about Jet then?” he said, wanting to shake the subject off. “What house would she be in, Lexi?”

“Hmmm, Ravenclaw!” she exclaimed. “Because she’s the cleverest dog in the whole world!”

“Really?” Ben asked with a chuckle. “Her own tail made her jump yesterday! And she keeps trying to eat the zip on my jacket! She’s a little nightmare!”

“Don’t listen to him darlin’,” Callum called out towards the dog, whose apparent only care was to try and inconspicuously nibble at the lest over chips. “You’re a very clever girl! You’d definitely be a Ravenclaw.”

Jet looked at Ben then, as if they were thinking the same thing. They were imposters who had somehow been found by people who thought they were something more. They knew what each other were though. It was their secret.

“Don’t be mad!”

Ben had just walked through the door and found Callum standing there with a guilty look on his face. He’d had a long day, phoning around trying to find a buyer for the merchandise, but with no luck. It had been a week since Buzz Cut had given him the ultimatum and it had been playing on his mind since then. He was constantly texting Lola to make sure that Lexi was ok when his daughter wasn’t with him. She had some especially choice words when he messaged at five o clock one morning when he thought he’d seen a suspicious shadow outside of the flat window.

“If that dog’s eaten another one of my socks then both of you can sleep outside tonight!” he replied, throwing his keys down and stepping further into flat. He looked at the kitchen counter, seeing bags from the Minute Mart piled up. “You cooking tonight? You’ve got enough to feed the five thousand.”

Callum shifted from one foot to the other. “You know when we first moved in and you told Stuart he could come round for dinner sometime…”

Ben closed his eyes and rubbed his forehead. “Right, well now you’re definitely sleeping outside. The dog can stay though. She’s not invited any of her brainless relatives over to ruin my evening,” he said, as he walked past Callum and sat on the sofa. “Not tonight, Cal, please.”

“I’ve said he could now,” Callum replied softly, as he came and sat down next to Ben on the sofa. He took his hand and linked their fingers. “What’s wrong?”

“Playing ‘Come Dine With Me’ with a bloke who’s beat me up every time we’ve had a conversation, ain’t exactly the way I was planning to spend the evening, Callum,” Ben responded, pulling his hand away. “What’s happening tomorrow? Am I gonna come home to find Whit standing in our kitchen having pre-dinner cocktails, before we get the cards out for a round of Happy Famlies?”

“You’re just being ridiculous now,” Callum replied critically, sitting back on the sofa and shaking his head. “It’s just my brother, he won’t be here long. He wants to try, Ben. It’s not asking much.”

“No, you don’t ask much do you!” Ben exclaimed, with his voice raised, as he got up and walked into the kitchen. “Ben, I promise I’ll tell Whitney about us! Ben, I promise I won’t get married! Ben, I promise I’ll leave Whitney! Ben, can you just let everyone in Walford think you’re a manipulative arsehole that took advantage of me? Ben, can you just be my literal and figurative punching bag for six months while I work through my shit? When exactly are you going to stop asking me for things, Callum?”

“Is that what I am to you, then?” Callum replied, harsher now, his voice still quivering slightly. Ben could tell his eyes were welling up and every instinct in his body was telling him to rush over to his boyfriend and hold him, and take back every word he said. The harsh whispers in his brain, the pressure of work were all jeering him on to keep fighting though. To keep pushing him away. “Just an annoyance you put up with?”

“See what I mean?” Ben replied, leaning against the counter and letting out a wry laugh. “You’ll just turn it all back on me. You’re not hearing a word I’m saying if it don’t fit in to what you want. We’re in a relationship, Callum. I’m not here to take care of your every whim!”

Callum stood up then, a little more defiant, nodding his head. “Is this what all this is about? The other night when I had that dream?” he asked, his voice stronger, but the hurt evident. “Not quite what you signed up for; a grown man having nightmares all the time? Finally realised there’s some guy out there that isn’t quite as broken?”

All the anger, the rage, the frustration that Ben was carrying around that wasn’t even aimed at Callum in the first place, just completely evaporated away. “No, Callum, that’s not it at all,” he started softly, pushing himself off the counter and walking towards his boyfriend. “Don’t listen to me, I’ve just had a bad day at work and taking it out on you because you’re here.”

Callum dodged the hand that Ben tried to reach out to grasp him. “Well, maybe I shouldn’t be here at all, then,” he stated, and started to make his way to the door, grabbing his keys and jacket as he went. “As I’m clearly no good for you.”

“No, please,” Ben pleaded, but it was too late as he jumped at the front door loudly slamming shut. “You’re too good for me. That’s the problem.”

“He’ll be back soon,” Ben assured, more for his own confidence than the man glaring at him, twirling his spaghetti onto a fork.

When Callum had stormed out, Ben had been tempted to walk out after him and try and get him to come back inside so he could apologise profusely. He knew his boyfriend though, and it would be no good trying to talk to him now; it would just lead to an argument in the middle of the street. They’d had enough of their relationship aired in public and he wasn’t about to have a slanging match while Ruby twitched critically at her curtains.

Ben had gone and sat on the floor of the bedroom, running his finger over the names that were carved there, in some distant hope that it might summon Callum back to him. He soon heard a pitter patter coming towards him and felt a nose nudge at his arm. He held his hand out to give Jet a stroke, before the dog decided what he needed was for her to climb into his lap and attempt to curl up in it, despite her size.

Cuddling the dog to him, he continued to sit as she started to lick at his face. He wasn’t sure what to do; he’d made a mess of everything. He could feel it all unspooling around him into a tangle. There wasn’t much he could do about work tonight, but he could get back on track with Callum. His life felt like he was spinning plates sometimes, but this was one he definitely didn’t want crashing to the ground.

Reluctantly he set about making dinner, looking in the bags that Callum had bought. He wasn’t exactly sure what his boyfriend was planning to make, but Ben wasn’t going to push the boat out for Stuart. When there was a knock at the door an hour later, he took as long as he could to answer it, pulling it open without looking at the older man, but motioning for him to come into the flat with his hand.

There had been few words said between the two; Ben just kept on mumbling that Callum would be back soon. It was taking all his will power to be civil, not wanting Callum to come back home and find the two of them arguing. He thought it best that they eat, that way he wouldn’t have to make conversation and if his boyfriend didn’t come back, then he could get Stuart out of the house quickly.

He couldn’t help but notice that Stuart was less than friendly towards him. Not that this attitude was unusual, it was one step up from punching his lights out actually. Ben just assumed that Stuart would have the same attitude as he did; pretending to get along to make Callum happy.

“You two had a barney?” Stuart asked through his chewing. “Strange him not being here when we only talked this morning.”

“He’s had to pop out to work,” Ben lied, moving his pasta around on his plate. “You know how needy those dead people can get.”

“Yeah, I’m sure that’s it,” he said through gritted teeth. “Strange though. Not many people get buried after dark though, do they?”

“Not through conventional methods, but in some cases under the cover of darkness is the best time,” Ben replied, putting down the fork and leaning across the table. “No one around to hear the cries.”

Before Stuart could respond, the latch on the front door clicked open. Jet quickly ran to the door, jumping up at Callum when he entered the flat. “Hey, darlin’. Good girl,” he said, rubbing her collar, before stepping into the lounge and taking in the scene. He didn’t look at Ben at all. “Alright, Stu?”

“Alright, bruv?” Stuart said, his tone automatically turning cheerful. “I was wondering where you got to.”

Callum licked his lips, before taking off his jacket and throwing it on the chair. “Yeah, sorry about that. I just had some invoices at work I remembered I had to file,” he said, taking a seat next to Ben. “Jay’ll go spare if he gets in tomorrow and they’re not done.”

If the situation was different, Ben would have laughed at the fact that he and Callum got their story straight without even talking to each other. As it was, his boyfriend had been in the flat a few minutes now and not even looked at him. Ben reached out his hand and started to rub Callum’s thigh under the table. It only lasted a few seconds before the touch was shrugged off.

The rest of the dinner passed with moments of awkward silence, intermittently splashed with conversation between the two brothers. Ben felt like an outsider in his own home. He just wanted Stuart to leave so he could talk to Callum just the two of them. He was disgusted at himself for making Callum feel ashamed about his dream the other night That had never been his intention, and it couldn’t have been further from the truth. They were both broken. That’s why they were the only ones that could put each other back together.

When they had finished eating, Callum started to clear the plates and took them to wash up as Stuart sat down on the sofa with a beer. Ben went to the sink, and stood next to him. “I’m so sorry,” he whispered. “I didn’t mean any of that. I really did just have a bad day. I can sleep outside tonight if you like, I deserve it.”

Callum carried on washing the plates, not responding. Ben raised his hand and turned his boyfriend’s face towards him. His heart broke when he saw Callum’s eyes. “You know me, you know I’ll look after you. We look after each other, yeah? I missed you.”

Thankfully, Callum’s eyes softened before he turned his head back towards the sink. “I know. I missed you too,” he replied, with a small smile appearing on his face, He flicked a little water from the tap in Ben’s direction. “You can definitely still sleep outside though.”

Ben wrapped his arms around Callum’s waist, leaning his head against his boyfriend’s arm. “We both know that ain’t gonna happen,” he said with a grin. “You’d miss cuddling up to me too much.”

“I’d have Jet,” Callum responded, Ben pleased to see he was now smiling and his eyes sparkling. “I’m not sure I’d notice you weren’t there.”

“Oh that’s charming!” Ben replied. He knew Callum’s comment was just in jest, but it hit a nerve. He knew it would happen one day. Maybe in a week, a month or even a few years, but someday Callum would leave, and he’d be alone again. “I can definitely think of a few ways you’re sure to notice I’m there.”

Callum wiped his hands on a tea towel and leaned down to kiss Ben. “Alright,” he said, pressing their foreheads together. “You can stay then.”

Ben gave a quick glance at Stuart who had his lips pressed together tightly, was gripping on to his beer and seemed to be very interested in the curtains. “Hey,” he whispered. “What you said earlier, about having nightmares all the time. Did you mean it?”

Callum leaned away and started folding up the tea towel. “I was just annoyed as well,” he said looking down. “Hey, I haven’t made anything for pudding, so I’m just gonna pop to the Minute Mart for some ice cream, yeah?”

He gave a quick kiss to Ben’s cheek, before grabbing his jacket and keys from the counter. Callum briefly explained where he was going to his brother before heading back out the door. Ben grabbed his beer from the table, before sitting down at a chair. He’d had enough of Stuart’s silent treatment. “You know what’s strange? You’re the one giving me the evil eye after making both mine and your brother’s life more difficult last year. If it weren’t for you sticking your big bald head in, Callum wouldn’t have married Whit and they would have both been saved from months of pain.”

“I’m sorry that Whitney got hurt,” Stuart said, leaning back and turning to face Ben. “But she weren’t my priority. Callum’s my priority, and if you’re that concerned about hurting him then you would have stayed as far away from him as possible.”

“So all this with your brother, being alright with the fact he’s gay, bringing round a little house warming present and begging his forgiveness, that was all an act was it?” Ben replied, taking a swig of his beer. “He ain’t stupid; he’s gonna see through that quick enough and chuck you back into the swamp you crawled out from.”

“Nah, it was real,” Stuart replied, snarling in his direction. Ben hated that he was there taking up the space. Sitting on his sofa, drinking his beer and trying to rip apart his relationship. “I can’t say I’m all happy clappy about the…well the gay thing…but if that’s who he is, then that’s who he is. It’s you that’s the problem.”

“How many times do you have to kick my head in to know I’m not going anywhere?” Ben replied, picking at the label on his bottle. “I love your brother and he loves me.”

“You love him, yeah?” Stuart replied with a huff of disbelief. “That why some other geezer had you pressed up against a wall last week? I saw you! Grinding up against each other in some dirty street like the vile animal you are. You think you’d really stay about long if I told my brother about that?”

Ben let out a laugh. “What is it with people like you?” he replied, standing up and rounding the table. “How many men have you pinned against a wall in your life? You schtuping all of them were you? It weren’t a social call; purely business. Your brother’s the only one I like it rough from.”

Stuart quickly got out of his seat, slamming his beer down on the coffee table and striding towards Ben. Before he could get there though, Jet stood in front of her owner, ears pricked and teeth bared, growling at the man approaching.

“We’ve trained her to attack any vermin that comes in the house,” Ben said with a grin. “Don’t take it personally, she’s just caught the stench of a rat. Best you get out now if you’re attached to your balls, otherwise in about thirty seconds you won’t be.”

“You’re a piece of work, you know that?” Stuart said, eyeing the dog carefully and backing towards the door.

“Yeah, well it takes one to know one. It’s a shame you’ve suddenly developed an allergy to dog hair; I guess that means you won’t be stepping foot in my flat again,” Ben replied, as Jet continued to growl, protecting her owner. “You can keep trying to break Callum and me up. It won’t work, it’ll just make him hate you and all.”

A smile creeped onto Stuart’s face. “I’m not going to do anything,” he said, continuing to slowly move with one eye on the dog. “I’ve realised that now. I don’t have to do anything. You’re going to screw up all by yourself. Then you'll lose Callum for good. It’s only a matter of time.”


	4. Two People

“I’ll be honest with you Ben, I’m not sure we’re gonna shift this lot. I’ll give you one on the house just to stop Linda’s jaw from yapping.”

Looking at the glass in front of him, Ben slightly balked at the idea of having to drink it no matter how much alcohol was in it, or the fact it was free. He’d popped into The Vic to meet his Dad, but Phil was running late. It was getting to the point where Ben was tempted to ring him, but he knew his dad would just accuse him of moaning or some other insult that made him feel that he was just a nuisance.

The pub was practically empty, and Mick and Linda were trying to sell off their latest Happy Hour tipple. The landlord had placed a lime-green, thick drink in a tall tumbler, next to a bright pink speckled liquid in a cocktail glass. “Elle calls them the Kermit and Miss Piggy,” Mick said, shaking his head slightly at the admission. “Just have a try of one, son, please. We got a double job lot of tequila in last week. Even Mexican night didn’t shift it all. She’s been doin’ my nut in about changing the supplier.”

Ben looked down at the drinks again. He’d quite enjoyed the Mexican night at the pub the week before; he and Callum doing shots of tequila while Jay chucked tortilla chips at them when Ben licked salt off his boyfriend with every drink. “What makes it green?” he asked the landlord, raising the tall glass to his nose and giving it a sniff.

“Best not to ask, sunshine,” Mick replied with an apologetic shrug. “Go on. Down in one.”

Raising his glass at the landlord in cheers, he knocked back the liquid in the glass quickly, banging the tumbler down on the bar when he was done. He gave a shiver with the taste, and a small cough at the fact it must have been two thirds alcohol. “That ain’t salt,” he stated, pointing to the white substance coating the rim of the glass.

“No, well, we ran out after last week, so Linda thought icing sugar would give the same effect,” Mick replied sheepishly. “She got that pot mixed up with the baking powder though. Any good?”

“Strong,” Ben replied, his throat prickling. “Callum would only have to sniff that to be half-cut on the floor.”

“You’d think he’d have a constitution of an elephant looking at him, wouldn’t you? Bless him,” Mick said affectionately. “He not with you?”

“Nah, he’s still at work. I’m meeting my dad,” Ben replied, moving his tongue around his mouth in the hopes it would remove the taste. “Meeting up with him later.”

“Why don’t you come round for your tea soon?” Mick offered warmly. “Linda likes a good chatter on about some showtune or another. Me and my mother ain’t exactly up to her standard of conversation. You and the lightweight can bring your littlun and the pooch as well, if you like. Give Ollie and Lady Di a bit of company and all.”

“Yeah, cheers Mick,” he replied, as his phone started ringing. “We’d like that.”

“We’ll just get a few beers in,” Mick offered, as he headed to serve another customer. “Have a nice bit of nosh.”

“Hello?” Ben answered quickly into his mobile. “Dad? Where are you?”

Two hours later, Ben swaggered sloppily towards the Prince Albert. The phone call from Phil hadn’t been a surprise. He was going to check out some motors in Deptford, his dad had said. They were going to do them up at the Arches. At his business. It wasn’t a request; he knew that. He was being informed. It didn’t know if the cars would be legit or not. Probably not, but he wasn’t supposed to care about that. He didn’t care about that.

“Well give me ten minutes and I’ll come with you,” he said, moving to climb down from his bar stool. “You at home?”

“Nah, it’s fine,” his dad’s voice had crackled through the speaker. “I’ve got Keanu coming with me. Drop round to the house tomorrow, yeah? I want to run through the books.”

That was it. That summed up everything. His dad had missed meeting him, to go get cars that Ben was expected to put through his business, and he wasn’t even allowed to go. He wasn’t the first choice. He wasn’t any choice.

Ben had sat there for a moment when Phil had hung up the phone, just staring at his mobile, running through all the things he wished he’d said. The words ran through his mind, each sparking rage and doubt. He could have spat them, screamed them or muttered them out down the phone. He could have hoped for an apology, an understanding or a compromise. There was a futility behind that hope though. Ben knew it was just a whisper of a dream; something that would never happen. He wasn’t naïve, he knew how his dad looked at him. He still hoped though. That little wisp of promise, that speck of dust hovering in the air always seemed bigger than it was, like he could catch it. Every time he tried it just disintegrated in his hands.

He’d slammed the phone on the bar. “Mick. Pass over one of those pink things,” he gritted, before quickly downing it, the tequila burning his throat in a harsh bliss.

Eventually, the landlord had become a little worried, and made Ben a strong coffee. It had taken a little of the edge off the alcohol, but his mind and body still buzzed with it as he left the pub and made his way to his mum’s bar. The sun had set and the dim lighting at The Prince Albert made it tricky to spot Callum at first. The place was busy for a weeknight, and music pumped through the building, still at a low level acceptable for the time of night.

Squinting a little, he noticed a recognisable shape at the bar. Ben smiled when he saw him, then his face soon fell when he noticed the figure sitting on the stool next to his boyfriend. With a smarmy smile on his face, and his fingers grabbing onto Callum’s arm as he was throwing his head back and laughing, the twat from the bakery stall in the market was clearly and unsubtly trying to pick up his boyfriend.

With a red fury and purpose, Ben strolled ferociously across the bar, nudging people out the way and striding with a laser focus. When he reached the bar, Callum had clearly seen him and his face worked its way into a warm grin. “There you are!” he greeted happily, though Ben knew he had kept his boyfriend waiting after losing track of time. “This is-“

Ben grabbed the baker boy’s wrist which was lingering close to Callum’s hand and gripped it tightly. “Run along,” he gritted out, nails digging into the man’s skin. “Go rise your loaf elsewhere.”

“Ben!” Callum called out behind him, annoyance evident in his voice. “Will you stop it! Me and Francois were just talking! He trained as a chef as well. He was just telling me-”

“Well, Frenchy better train his arse away from my boyfriend if he ever wants to pipe his macaroons again,” Ben barked back, as the man in front of him tried to pull his wrist away.

“I think Callum can decide who he talks to,” Francois replied defiantly, getting his hand away from Ben’s grip. He lowered his voice so over the noise of the bar, only Ben could hear him. “Though I can understand why someone like you would try and bite at the ankles of anyone who does. You must get insecure. A boy like you trying to hold on to a guy like that.”

“Can’t get your own fella?” Ben shouted back, getting into the face of the other man and giving him a shove. “Tired of kneading your own dough? I bet all that time alone with your cream puff makes you into a real master baker.”

“Just leave him alone, Ben,” Callum begged, trying to grip on to his arm. “We was just talking!”

“Stop being so naïve!” he replied, harsher than he meant to, and the volume caught the attention of those around them, despite the loudness of the music. Ben dropped his eyes down, away from Callum’s face, but he had still seen the look there. The hurt in the eyes that said the comment had hit him hard, and the set of his jaw that told him it wasn’t just sadness that was running through his boyfriend. He was furious. There were people looking and Ben knew Callum would hate that; hate the attention and scene they were causing.

It had supposed to be an evening out just the two of them. A date night, Callum had told him this morning when Ben had replied that they lived together and always spent the evening with each other. There was a part of him that worried that Callum’s suggestion was because he thought they were plateauing, that all the excitement had disappearing from the relationship that they had at the beginning. Looking into his boyfriend’s eyes that morning though, he still felt that buzz, that connection that just made him want to cling on tight.

It wasn’t Callum that his comment was aimed at, anyway. Ben knew why he had the outburst and why he was so angry at his boyfriend. Ben was second best. He always was and always would be, but he thought there must be something he could do to put him front and centre in his dad’s eyes. He always thought that, and every time he was proved wrong.

He knew that at some point Callum would see him as second best, someone at some time would come along that made Ben pale in comparison. This was all new to Callum; a few nights out at a gay bar in Walford wasn’t exactly showing him all the world had to offer. It was mainly filled with people they saw on a day to day basis anyway. His boyfriend’s only other experience had been Whitney, so it was a fair assumption that someone else could be out there ready to turn his eye.

Ben knew the baker was going to be trouble as soon as he saw him. Callum and he were walking to the Vic for a drink one lunch time. Ben had turned up to surprise him and dragged him out the office with Jay grumbling after them about it only being half past eleven, and accusing them of not coming back for three hours the week before, when they’d said they were just popping to get coffee. Ben had walked proudly through the market, gripping onto Callum’s hand and pulling him behind him. He looked back at one point and noticed the baker’s eyes on his boyfriend. It was only for a minute before they flicked back to whatever he was doing on his stall, but it was obvious he was eying up Callum.

That wasn’t the only time he noticed it, though Callum seemed to be oblivious. There were little moments though as they passed his stall, or sitting in the Vic having a drink and the guy was having lunch with some of the other traders. He could sense his eyes wandering to his boyfriend.

“Do you know what?” Callum said picking up his jacket from the seat next to him. “You can fight this among yourselves. Seems as you don’t care what I’ve got to say.”

He started to walk away, and Ben futilely put a hand out to stop him. It was no use though; he was already making his way towards the door. Ben knew that if only Callum would look back, he’d be able to make him stay. He’d see that he’d only done it to protect him and keep him close.

Ignoring the smirking idiot still standing next to him, Ben made his way towards the door, trying to catch up with Callum. It was like the world was working against him as people stepped into his path, so he knocked them out the way, getting more than a few dirty looks on his journey.

Thankfully, he got to the door quickly enough to see his boyfriend making his way down the street.

“Callum!” Ben shouted out, becoming frustrated when he didn’t turn around. He knew he must have heard him. “Callum! Stop running away! You can’t run from everything!”

That seemed to slow him down, though when Callum turned around, Ben could see he was in no mood to talk. He probably should have just let him go and cool down, but the disappointment of the day made Ben itch for an argument. He was tired of people leaving him.

“What do you want?” Callum spat out, shaking his head. “Cause you weren’t listening to me in there but now you want to talk!”

“I was just looking out for you!” Ben shouted back. “You’re my boyfriend. Do you really expect me to just sit back and let some random feel you up? Not everyone is like you. They ain’t just there for a nice chat about swiss rolls! There’s guys out there that will want to take advantage.”

“Do you know what?” Callum responded, smiling wryly to himself. “That’s exactly what Stuarts said to me last year about you! Why is it so hard for everyone to understand that I know my own mind? I weren’t born yesterday; I know exactly what’s going on!”

“Oh, so you know that guy was flirting with you, and you just let him?” Ben replied, slapping his hands against his sides, frustrated with the fact Callum wasn’t hearing what he was saying.

“I weren’t doing anything back though,” Callum sighed, frowning at Ben. “If he’d done anything, I would have knocked him back.”

“Really?” Ben huffed out, but once he saw Callum’s face fall he knew he’d gone too far. He couldn’t seem to stop though, there was just this simmer that was coursing through his body that he needed to get out.

“What, you think I’d cheat?” his boyfriend asked, wide eyed, like he really didn’t believe what he was hearing.

“Well we didn’t get together through speed dating, did we Callum?”

Ben knew he’d definitely said the wrong thing this time, and all that fury evaporated from his body immediately and replaced with shameful regret. Now Callum really was furious. His eyes narrowed and he took a step back. Ben felt the distance immediately, he felt him slipping away. He had to acknowledge there was more than a shove on his part. It wasn’t deliberate though. He was so scared of losing him that instead of holding on tighter, he loosened the grip to lessen the pain.

“Cal, I-“ he started, trying to take a step back towards his boyfriend. He didn’t get far before Callum waved him away with his hand and started to walk in the opposite direction. “Where you going now?

“Home,” Callum called back. He started to stride away quicker before coming to an abrupt stop. Ben felt his breathing steady a little as his boyfriend walked back towards him. Callum could have these flares of temper, but they wouldn’t last. He hoped this was one of those times.

As Callum came towards him though, there was still the narrow hurt of his eyes glaring out. It was intense being under his gaze. Callum always felt everything so strongly. It was always there in his eyes. On most occasions, it could make Ben feel safe and loved. Being the focus of attention like that; to be looked at like he was the centre of the whole universe, like he was important and worthwhile. It almost made him believe that he was.

Times like now though, when there was anger and disappointment in Callum’s eyes, it reminded him of who he really was and what he really deserved. The fact that he could make his boyfriend, the most honourable person he’d ever met, feel like he was he was a liar and a cheat.

Callum stopped in front of him, but didn’t look at Ben. He merely held out his hand. “Keys,” he stated, giving a small sigh when he saw the puzzlement on Ben’s face. “You’ve took mine again. The large keyring on them, you know, the one you gave me while I was apparently being a cheating bastard, should have given you a clue they ain’t yours.”

Ben dug around in his pocket and pulled out the set of keys, placing they in Callum’s hand, and then gripping on to his wrist. “Can I come home?” he asked, knowing the desperation in his voice was clear. He didn’t care, he didn’t want to be alone, or for Callum to be by himself.

Callum pulled his hand away quickly before stepping back again. “Do what you want,” he replied, his voice breaking. “You always do anyway.”

“It ain’t gonna do you any good, you know. Wallowing over a beer.”

Ben looked up over heavy lidded eyes. “You have these sort of people skills with all the customers, Bill?” he replied, picking at the label on his bottle. “Try and guilt them into leaving? Not exactly gonna push profits up, eh?”

When Callum had paced off down the road, he wanted to run after him, grab on to him and shake him into forgiving him. That wouldn’t have worked though; they would have just ended up sniping at each other again, taking their travelling argument further and further down the road.

He thought once Callum had left Whitney, and he was out, it would be easier. There would be less conflict, less secrets and less hiding. That’s what kept him going all those months, the idea that it would all be over and Callum would take that step and he could stop feeling like he was some dirty little side secret.

There was still conflict there though, underneath the surface. At that point, Ben thought it was living in such close quarters with his family. They never had time to themselves, they could never feel like they were in a proper relationship with all the interruptions and meddling. They had been moved out for some time now, and though he loved living with Callum, they both knew there were things which weren’t being talked about. It was easier that way, to paper over the cracks and pretend they weren’t there. Neither of them were good at talking through their emotions, that was the problem. It would remain the problem when the wallpaper started tearing and the monsters escaped.

Ben thought about going to his mum’s house and sleeping on the sofa there. Give Callum the night to calm down and then talk to him in the morning. There would be questions though, about why he was there. Then he’d have to suffer lecture after lecture of warnings, advice and critiques. He didn’t fancy having to look at his brother’s smug smirk or his mum’s disapproving look tonight.

E20 was quiet for the time of night, so he could slump at the bar in relative peace, with just Billy’s unwelcome comments to disturb his thoughts. The temptation to just pour a line of shots, get blind drunk and start on the nearest moron that stepped into his path was overwhelming. The feeling of someone smacking him on the face or punching him in the ribs would be painful. And blissful. It would make the sadness and regret that coursed through his body at the moment disappear, at least a little bit. At least for a little while.

There was something stopping him doing that tonight though. Work was still playing on his mind, and he didn’t want to give Buzz Cut or his boss the satisfaction of seeing him covered in bruises. More than that though, he knew Callum would be disappointed in him. He downed the rest of his beer, gave a couple of taps on the bar to signal goodbye to Billy and made for the door.

When he got back to the flat, he patted his pocket before remembering he didn’t have his keys. They’d be sitting on the counter. Though he’d drunk a lot today, he was only sporting a mild buzz, otherwise he might call out his boyfriend’s name in the hope the noise would get Callum to let him in. It would also cause Ruby to stick her head out the window above and probably chuck a bucket of water over him too. Thankfully, a thought hit his mind.

Scrabbling around by the door, he lifted up a slab of concrete that was shoved in a corner by the entrance. Months ago, he remembered walking past as Honey was fretting about being locked out. She’d suddenly calmed herself by bending down and lifting up the tile, gleefully pulling out a key. Luckily, she’d forgotten to take it with her when she moved out.

Ben quietly turned the key in the lock, closing the door slowly behind him. All the lights were off, and he crept into the lounge, putting on the lamp. Jet quickly lifted her head up, before seeing the cause of the disturbance and then snuggling back into her paws. He noticed an empty beer bottle on the counter, but no plates in the sink or drying on the side.

Sitting down on the sofa, Ben took off his jacket and shoes, then put his heads in his hands. It was silent in the flat, little footfall or traffic meaning the night was still. He hated being out here, knowing Callum was in their bedroom alone, just a wall between them. It seemed further at the moment though. At times like this, the whispers in his head told him to run, to get away because it will never get any better. This feeling of loneliness will haunt him and nothing will take it away, so he better get used to it.

That wasn’t true though. Callum could. He would make him feel better. Even when he was sulking, and in a strop or looked like he had the weight of the world on his shoulders, just having him there in Ben’s atmosphere made him feel lighter. He was impossible not to notice and impossible to stay away from.

Even now, Ben couldn’t just sit here waiting, not when he was so close. How would he possibly be able to sleep after what had happened? It was a stupid fight, born from his own ridiculous jealously and fear. Before he could change his mind, he got up off the sofa and headed to their bedroom.

The door was completely shut, and Ben tried to squint through the tiny gap by the hinges to see if the light was still on. There was only darkness though. He’d have preferred it if Callum was still awake; he could have spoken to him straight away then. Although, in that case, there was always the fear that his boyfriend would chuck him out again.

Nervously, he turned the handle and could see the room was dark. The curtains were still open though, and light from the night outside dimly lit the room. Callum was laying on his side of the bed with his back to Ben. He stood there for a few moments, unsure what to do.

“You come to check I ain’t got Shrimpy tucked up with me under the covers?” he heard Callum mutter, so quietly Ben thought he’d almost imagined it.

“Nah,” Ben replied, trying to keep his voice light. “I’d notice the imprint of his hat on the pillow, wouldn’t I?”

There was silence, but Ben had some hope from the light tone that Callum had spoken to him in. He hadn’t been thrown out or ignored. Ben rounded the bed slowly until he was on Callum’s side. He kneeled down, resting his arm on the mattress. He could see that his boyfriend’s eyes were wide open. He clearly hadn’t been sleeping.

Ben rested his head on his arm, just by Callum’s stomach. “Don’t hate me,” he whispered quietly, feeling his whole body calm by just sitting here with him.

“I couldn’t,” Callum said softly back. They were both being so hushed with each other, so tentative, like any loud or quick movements would scare the other away. Callum moved his hand down to gently stroke the top of Ben’s hair.

“I don’t want to lose you when I’ve only just got you,” Ben remarked, hoping he could in some way explain his actions from previously in the night.

“I ain’t going nowhere,” Callum replied, scratching his fingers by Ben’s neck. “You think my head’s going to be turned by any fella in a five metre radius? I don’t want no one else.”

“We’re stuck with each other then, are we?” Ben said with a grin, leaning in to the touch.

“Where would I be able to find anyone else that would do what you do for me?”

“Oh yeah?” Ben said, as he smiled suggestively, and raised his eyebrows.

Callum tutted and pulled at his hair a little. “You know what I mean!” he replied, as Ben found the confidence now to get up and sit on the bed. He nudged Callum’s hip over a little before taking his hand and linking their fingers together.

“Yeah well, it goes both ways, don’t it? I mean you don-“ Ben stopped suddenly, his brain catching up with the evening. “Wait. His name was Francois?”

Callum let out a laugh at the look of disgust on Ben’s face and rolled his eyes slightly. “He ain’t French. His parents are from Islington. Jay says he thinks it’s not even his real name.”

“Of course that’s not his real name!” Ben replied, moving to the other side of Callum and resting his chin on his boyfriend’s chest. “Pretentious prick. What do you think his real name is? My bet’s on Neil, or Cliff. It’ll be something really ordinary that you’d expect from a bank manager.”

“He probably changed it to help with the business, didn’t he?” his boyfriend muttered, returning his hand to stroke the top of Ben’s head.

“He’s selling scones on the market in Walford, Callum,” he stated sceptically. “Not horking out mille feuille down the Champs Elysee.”

“Have you been watching Bake Off when I’ve been out again?” Callum replied with a smile.

“Oh shut up,” Ben said good humouredly, snuggling into Callum’s side further. “You ain’t desperately in love with him then?

“I was only talking about food,” Callum said, poking Ben in the side. It just caused him to wriggle in closer. “I was trying to get the recipe of those little vanilla things you and Lex wolfed down. The ones Kathy bought from him last week.”

“Well, best not order any more off him,” Ben said, with a quirk of his mouth. “Not quite sure what he’d do, but they’ll probably have an undertone of bodily fluids to them. Don’t suppose you got the recipe, did you?”

“Funnily enough, when he was right in the middle of flour measurements he almost got his wrist snapped in two,” Callum replied. “I wasn’t expecting oven timings after that.”

“Well, he should learn to keep his hands away from my fella then shouldn’t he? Who I know wouldn’t do anything!” Ben replied quickly, giving Callum a kiss, before stroking up and down his boyfriend’s arm. “But that’s beside the point. Weren’t his place.”

“Don’t matter,” Callum said with a shrug. “I weren’t interested. I’m never going to be interested.”

“You really don’t fancy him then?” Ben asked, a hint of disbelief in his voice. “I think even Jay’s taken a second look; you’d be crazy not to.”

“No! I fancy you!” Callum responded insistently. “Which, yeah, probably does make me crazy!”

“Oi!” Ben replied, with a laugh. “I was one of Walford’s most eligible bachelors before you got your claws into me.”

“Well you’ll be back on the top ten, if you keep snarling at every person I look at,” Callum told him with a smirk.

“Oh please,” Ben replied, rolling his eyes. “You’d never chuck me. You’d get bored. Can you imagine going home to Muffin Man, night after night? You’d try and drown yourself in caster sugar from the monotony. You like having me around.”

“You’ll do, ‘spose,” Callum replied. They were silent then for a moment. “I love you.”

“I love you,” Ben returned as he felt his body finally sleep.

Blinking his eyes, Ben took a moment to orient himself. His cheek was warm from being pressed into the pillow, but the air behind his back appeared cool. Rubbing at his face, his mind started to awaken. There was only a slight slither of dim light creeping through the window, telling him that dawn had still not arrived. Turning over he saw the bed was empty next to him. He squinted his eyes at the flat sheets, the fuzziness lessening slightly. He scrabbled for his glasses on the nightstand, but putting them on only confirmed what he knew. Callum was gone.

For a moment, Ben felt the ghost drop out of his body. They had made up earlier, but a little ant of a thought hit him. What if he’d changed his mind? Callum could have woken up and realised that Ben was unreasonable and left him in the night. He swatted that thought away quickly. It was irrational. Callum’s clothes were still hanging up and nothing was missing from the room.

Sitting up further, Ben could feel his stomach rock slightly. A slight wave of nausea hit, but he swallowed it down as he slid his legs out the bed and his feet hit the sharp coldness of the floor. When he stepped into the hallway, he saw Jet waiting outside the bathroom. The door wasn’t fully closed and there was a harsh beam of light escaping into the hallway.

Ben didn’t bother knocking, he just pushed the door open, the slow creak echoing through the crack. Callum was sitting on the floor, his head resting against the bathtub. He looked pale, but with gleams of sweat glistening around his hairline. Ben didn’t say anything at first, just padded into the room and heaved himself down so his back was against the bath.

“You didn’t sample any of Frenchie’s banana loaf did you?” Ben asked quietly, placing the back of his hand on Callum’s forehead. There was a clammy warmth, though the bathroom was freezing cold. “I’m sure his stale old croissants were what caused Shrimpy to do his Exorcist impression in the Vic loos the other day.”

“I’m fine,” Callum replied coldly, clearly not wanting to talk. Ben nodded slightly, took his hand away and stood up, swinging his leg over the tub and stepping into the bath. He sat himself down and laid back, resting his feet on the tap and his head by the wall. “What you doing?”

“Feel a bit queasy myself, to be honest,” Ben replied, closing his eyes and reaching out his hand to rub a finger gently down Callum’s cheek. “We’re going to have to send Mick and Linda on some sort of Mixology course before they take down the whole square.”

“You ain’t eaten nothing, that’s why,” Callum said, turning around so he was sitting on his knees, and shuffled up the floor towards Ben, resting his head on his arms as he leaned against the tub. “Linda’s getting a bit heavy handed with her shot sizes. They’ve still got three cases of that cheap tequila they’re trying to palm off.”

“Well we were supposed to get food, weren’t we?” Ben said, opening one eyelid to see Callum still resting his cheek on his folded arms, but looking down at him with soft blue eyes. “Should eat something if you’ve been sick.”  
  


Callum shifted a little bit, his lip quirking for just a brief second at a thought that entered his head. “When I was little, no more than about three maybe, and I was sick, my mum used to bring me a plate full of cut up apple,” he recalled quietly, and Ben almost felt like he couldn’t move an inch for risk of disturbing the memory. “She used to sprinkle loads of sugar on it. I’d be all tucked up in bed and she’d put it down, put her finger to her lips and say, ‘Don’t let them know. Keep it to yourself’.”

Ben had never really heard Callum speak about his mother before, but he understood the reluctance. The most painful and life changing event to ever happen was when he believed Kathy had died. Everything changed then; some of it for the better. He wouldn’t be sitting here now if that hadn’t happened. He’d probably still be in South Africa. The path not travelled was one that had festered his thoughts many times over the years.

The removal of his mother from his life at a seminal age felt like his whole world had been turned upside down. Her return had been shocking, like someone had just dunked him in an ice bath. It had been everything he had ever wanted and dreamed about when he was sent to Walford. It had just come years too late.

“Was it another dream?” Ben asked, shaking any other thoughts out of his head. “I was sparked out, I didn’t hear you get out of bed. I’m sorry.”

Callum shook his head slightly. “Ain’t your problem,” he replied, and Ben’s stomach started to roll again. This time at the thought that his boyfriend felt he couldn’t share something with him. “Just the same stupid dream again. Pathetic really.”

Sitting up suddenly, he gripped Callum by the back of his head and pressed their foreheads together. “It’s not,” Ben said in a whisper, giving a light kiss to Callum’s lips. “Tell me. You can tell me anything.”

Ben felt Callum give a light shake of his head, and guilt washed over him at how he was asking his boyfriend to reveal all his secrets, when he had his own bottled up inside. “It’s fine,” Callum repeated, and he leant forward and hid his face in the crook of Ben’s neck.

“It’s not!” Ben said loudly, hearing how it almost sounded like a whine. He took a breath. “Right, come on. Get in.”

Callum lifted his head and frowned in confusion. “What?”

Gesturing to the white tub, Ben started to pull at his boyfriend’s arm. “Get in the bath,” he ordered, as Callum started to stand up. “A bath’s relaxing, ain’t it?”

“It don’t have any water in it,” Callum replied slowly, almost as if he was questioning the sight in front of him. Almost despite of himself, he started to step in.

“No, but it does have your gorgeous boyfriend,” Ben responded, as he leaned forward, letting Callum sit behind, his legs going astride Ben’s hips. “What could be more relaxing?”

They both lay back in silence, Callum’s hand rubbing comfortingly at Ben’s chest. It was one of those times that only happens in the early hours of a morning, where Ben felt like they were the only two people in the world. There was a sense that he could just lay there forever, as decades and generations passed, and he’d never lose this feeling.

“I felt trapped,” Callum said after a while, his voice barely audible. “Towards the end. It was like I was standing in the middle of a field all alone, but I could hear all these screeches and shouts all heading in my direction, and it wouldn’t have mattered what path I took, I’d end up in their way.”

“You don’t talk about it,” Ben mentioned softly, lifting Callum’s hand and bringing it up for a kiss. “The army.”

“You don’t really talk about prison,” Callum replied gently, brushing his lips against Ben’s ear.

“That’s different,” Ben stated. He didn’t even want to think about his time inside, though the images and memories creeped their way in anyway.

“Is it?” Callum questioned. Thinking it through, Ben supposed that it wasn’t that different. It seemed that both he and Callum spent their lives running and hiding.

“You know, the amount of time we’re spending in this room, we should ask our beloved landlord if he can fit a tv in here,” he mused, trying to steer the subject away. “We could just lay out in the bath with a movie on.”

“Jack almost flipped out when he saw we got Jet,” Callum said, a hint of humour now in his voice. “You think he’s gonna pay someone to hook up the electrics so you can watch telly from the shower? We ain’t exactly model tenants.”

“We’re awful tenants!” Ben laughed. “We’re loud when we’re angry, we’re loud when we’re horny, we’ve got a dog that howls like a wolf and we’re now apparently nocturnal. Add to that, the fact we’ve carved out part of the bedroom wall, and Lexi cave painted half of hers after learning about the Stone Age at school. I’m thoroughly surprised he ain’t chucked us out already.”

“I like living with you.” Callum stated, as if that solved all their problems.

“I like living with you too,” Ben replied, pulling Callum’s arms tighter around his chest. Their issues were far from solved, but that was one thing they could agree with, and the one thing that told him everything else was worth fighting. It didn’t matter that he wasn’t the centre of his dad’s world anymore.

Letting out a sigh of frustration, Ben shoved the keys back in his pocket. He was standing at the back door to his dad’s house, but had paused to try and find the right key on his keychain. After several moments, he realised it was never going to be found; he had picked up Callum’s keys again.

Last night, they had sat in the bath for some time, just the sound of their breathing filling the air. When he felt Callum shiver behind him, Ben pulled him up out the tub and led him back to the bedroom. It was getting towards dawn, but they both lay awake for a while in each other’s arms, kissing lazily and holding on tightly.

That morning, Callum had sleepily dressed and gone to work after the fifth text from Jay strayed from enquiring into passive aggressive. Ben’s phone bleeped with a message, and he wasn’t surprised to see that he was being summoned by his Dad, who ordered him to be at the house at midday.

Ben had promised Callum that he’d bring him lunch later, and he was going to pick Jay up something too, as an apology for taking his employee away. Jay could be grouchy, but shove a BLT in front of his nose and he’d soon perk up. He decided that he’s go to his dad’s an hour early, and if Phil didn’t like it then he’d just have to deal with it. He was feeling more positive after yesterday’s rejection, although he didn’t relish hearing all about the road trip to Deptford with Keanu.

Now, he was standing at the door, not looking forward to the fact that he’d have to knock to be let in like some guest. Ben raised his hand to rap on the glass, when he noticed that it wasn’t even closed. He rolled his eyes to himself, and went through the door, ready to shout out his arrival when he heard voices from the hallway by the stairs.

Immediately he heard Sharon’s tone, which seemed to have got even more fraught in recent months. He could understand it though, having a new baby in the house, having to deal with Dennis’ attention seeking, and also having Lou, Keanu and their little one under the same roof. It couldn’t have been easy. It wasn’t like Phil would have been any help, as much as he cooed over his new son and granddaughter.

“Will you just drop it!” he heard Sharon hiss to someone. “You’ve got your own daughter to take care of, this has to stop!”

“I do take care of my daughter,” he heard the other voice say. Keanu. He’d know that monotone drone anywhere. Ben assumed he was a there in the middle of the day because Phil wanted him there. He probably sent him as a proxy, not even bothering to come and meet Ben himself. That was the final straw. He started to make his way to the door, not wanting the embarrassment of having Keanu give him orders about his own business.

“But I want to take care of my son too.”

Freezing at the words, Ben stopped and listened in, knowing this wasn’t a conversation he would want to miss.


	5. Two Fathers

“Lucky they didn’t name him after the father, eh?”

The voice behind him broke Ben out of his thoughts. He craned his head back and tilted it slightly to show the speaker that they had his full attention.

“I mean, Philip’s not exactly unique but I can’t imagine a cute, little toddler with that name, can you?” Jay continued, fiddling with his tie.

Ben gave a brief nod of his head in acknowledgement of the comment, but he couldn’t bring himself to laugh along. Especially at this moment, when he was currently watching his father stand up at the front of the church and proudly watch the christening of a child that wasn’t his own.

When Ben had stood in the Mitchell kitchen and heard secret and lie revealed one after the other, every part of him wanted to storm into the hallway and punch Keanu’s lights out. With one slap, he could wipe that stupid smile off his face.

For months, Ben had to put up with disapproving glances and eye rolls with every comment or action he made, no matter how slight. He knew how people viewed him around here, and that even some of his own family had a critical remark every time he even blinked. Meanwhile, Keanu was treated like pure rays of sunbeams shone out of his arse and was coronated with a golden crown just for being all the things that Ben wasn’t.

For all the criticisms he had to listen to about his behaviour, for all he messed up and lashed out, the one thing he could always stick to was being loyal. Keanu strode around like he was the second coming; a good family boy, a trusted neighbour with a laudable moral compass. All that time though, he was sleeping with a woman who was practically his mother in law, betraying his employer that had helped him put food on his trashy family’s table and dishonouring the man that had treated him like a son. The man who had treated Keanu better than his own son because he held the perfect image of what a man should be.

That was something Ben would never do. He would never be disloyal to those he cared about. Not now anyway, as a grown man who understood what was important. Keanu had waltzed into the centre of his family, knowing he was a fraud, knowing he wasn’t perfect and knowing he was living a lie.

There was something that had stopped Ben though, which had halted him from storming down the hall and ripping out Keanu’s throat that day. Something that made him pause, open the kitchen door quietly and stride back out into the square. Ben wanted to do the right thing.

What the correct choice was, he didn’t know, and who he wanted to do it for he was uncertain of too. For his dad, certainly. Phil would be floored by the news, but Ben wasn’t sure just how catastrophic that reaction may be. To find out that his wife had been cheating, that the child he had grown to love wasn’t his and the man he’d taken into his business, his home and his family had snapped his daughter’s heart in two.

Telling his father would result in destroying him, but selfishly Ben wanted to know. He wanted Phil to see the truth. He wanted to watch Keanu be thrown back into the gutter he crawled out from. There would be satisfaction in that, to know that he was right all along when he’d taken months of criticism for daring to suggest the other man was anything less than perfect.

As Ben lent on the railings in the middle of the Square, his mind had kept ticking back and forth. The one and only thing that he could decide on was that he needed to talk to Callum. This was one secret that he could maybe afford to share.

Ben pushed on the door to the funeral parlour, causing the hinges to make a loud clatter. There was no sound coming from reception room. It was all quiet. “Callum?” he called, hoping his boyfriend would appear. “Jay? Have all the corpses turned into zombies and eaten your brain? Not that it would be much of a meal for them.”

“You can’t joke about that, Ben,” a voice rumbled from behind him, making him jump just a tad. “I’ve heard scratching from inside the coffins before. It was during one of those very few times you weren’t loitering around here.”

Ben turned around with a sigh and slapped a pursed smile onto his face. “Alright, Nige? I though that turned out to be the phone you dropped in the casket? Weren’t it vibrating against the wood?” he replied, trying to ignore the employee’s disapproving look. For some reason, Big Nigel never seemed to be that fond of him.

“Well, we didn’t know that at the time!” he exclaimed defensively. “I assume you ain’t here to see me. Which one you after?”

“I’ll take a tall, dark and handsome undertaker if you’ve got one to hand,” Ben replied, though he couldn’t see Callum around anywhere. “Preferably wrapped up to go.”

“They ain’t here Ben,” Nige explained. “Still stuck at that funeral. Jay text me earlier to make a few phone calls. There’s been a spot of bother apparently.”

“What can go wrong?” Ben replied with a sigh, checking his watch. “All they have to do is drag the coffin in, sing a couple of hymns, look sad while the vicar prances on a bit, chuck the body in the ground and then head on back home.”

“Jay didn’t say much, but I’ve got to get down the florists to change a few of the orders,” he said with a blush. “We don’t want another mix up like last week. You’re welcome to stay but Jay said that if you go anywhere near his files he’ll take all your musical soundtracks to the crematorium next time he goes.”

“You try to steal a couple of bodies that one time and then your good name’s tarnished forever around the place,” Ben joked with a smirk, as the colour drained from the other man’s face. “Relax, Nige. Me and Cal ain’t exactly Burke and Hare, are we? The corpses of Walford are safe around me.”

As the employee backed out the door, Ben chuckled to himself and stepped into the office. He ran his finger leisurely along the desk, a slight squeak bellowing out into the quiet room. For all the times he had been in here, there really hadn’t been time to stop and just look around.

There was an open packet of custard creams on the desk, a few crumbs scattered around the wrapper. That would be Jay. Watching him devour one of the crumbly biscuits was like watching a snake consume a fattened pig. He had no decorum; he’d just shovel them in his mouth with one hand while doing his paperwork with the other.

Callum was different though. For starters, he’d go for chocolate over everything else. “Why would you have a normal digestive, when you could have it covered in chocolate. It makes no sense!” he would say, giving his head a shake as if witnessing the worst crime known to man. Then, he’d take his time, gradually picking the biscuit apart, getting the chocolate off and then slowly nibbling the rest of it. It was those little things, that almost hypnotised Ben, that he could watch for hours and never get bored.

He was drawn out of his thoughts by a door slamming and a raised voice echoing into the room. “How difficult is it? On the count of three means when I get to three, we carefully place the coffin down!”

In the doorway, Jay appeared with a look of thunder on his face. He slowly hobbled into the office, rolling his eyes when he saw Ben. “Oh, brilliant. Just what I need now! You to witness my humiliation so you can bring it up every week until I’m off my rocker in a nursing home.”

“Good funeral?” Ben enquired lightly, as Jay glared at him while he made his way to the desk. He leaned against it with a groan.

“He fell into the grave,” Callum remarked cautiously, as he walked into the room, a slightly bashful look on his face. He stepped closer and gave his boyfriend a quick peck on the lips. It always left Ben wanting more. “He had to hobble all the way back to the hearse.”

“No, Callum! I didn’t just fall into a grave, did I?” Jay replied with gritted teeth. “Our two new pallbearers didn’t have the strength to hold the coffin or the brains to count up to three. They’re supposed to lower it slowly down, not just drop the whole casket, the force of which made me land arse over tit on top of the thing!”

“It ain’t his fault you can’t keep your balance in your winklepickers, is it?” Ben said, linking his arm through Callum’s and leaning his head on his boyfriend’s shoulder comfortingly.

“No, but I didn’t see a lot of team spirit as he was motioning for the vicar to carry on the reading while I’m trying to claw my way out of the dirt!” Jay responded, his face grimacing as he re-enacted the gesture. He fell further onto the desk, causing the biscuit packet to crash to the floor. “Oh well, my day just keeps getting better and better!”

“Did you smash your Ginger Nuts?” Ben commented, rubbing his fingers up and down Callum’s arm. “Second time in a day. You’re getting a bit accident prone mate.”

“You have always told me to carry on no matter what, Jay,” Callum muttered. “You always said nothing will ever be perfect but we shouldn’t disturb on the family’s day.”

“I think me crawling out of the grave like the creature from the Black Lagoon, wasn’t something they were likely to miss, were it?” Jay replied, trying to bend down to rescue what was left of his biscuits, before giving a groan and standing up. “That weren’t even the half of it, was it Callum? Before that, one of those bloody pallbearer’s phones went off during the ceremony, they gave out the left over orders of service from the funeral before and the other one was chewing gum when standing behind the widow! The poor cow had enough to deal with, she didn’t need some fella blowing and popping bubbles into her earhole!”

“You need to vet your employees when you hire them mate,” Ben responded, looking up at Callum who wore a serious expression and nodding along with his boss. He was trying not to laugh though. Ben knew that twinkle in his eye. “You’ve already got Nige who’s a few pennies short of a fruit machine. You don’t want any more riff raff hanging about.”

“Well, I’ve already got you practically living here, ain’t I?” Jay spat back at him, though Ben knew there was no malice in the comment. “Besides, I didn’t hire them. Did I, Callum?”

Ben felt his boyfriend shrug and turn a little pink. “Shifty Kev’s got four kids! He was laid off three months ago and ain’t been able to find anything else,” Callum answered in his defence. Ben couldn’t help but squeeze in closer to his boyfriend in support. He has the kindest heart; he couldn’t believe they were the same species sometimes. “I thought he was worth the chance. I weren’t to know he’d put his fag out on the side of the hearse.”

“His name is Shifty Kev!” Jay exclaimed, his voice getting higher when the pain hit. “You see that on an application form, you don’t start brushing off a mourning suit for them!”

“He was just trying to do the right thing, weren’t you babe?” Ben replied, looking up to his boyfriend with a smile. “Everyone deserves a second chance.”

“Oh shut up!” Jay replied, chucking half a custard cream at him. “Don’t make out like you’d have done the same thing. The only reason you’d have given him a job is if he’d promised to pocket the deceased’s valuables before they shut the coffin!”

“I don’t know what you’re talking about,” Ben replied with a mock obliviousness. “Altruism is my middle name.”

“Well speaking of charity, I don’t suppose you both want to go halves on the presents for the weekend do you?” Jay asked, rummaging around in the biscuit packet before finding a custard cream that wasn’t quite broken. He popped it in his mouth in one go and started to loudly chew.

Ben looked up at Callum, who returned his clueless look. “You’ve lost me bruv,” he commented, trying to wrack his brain for a list of family birthdays. “Present for what?”

“For the Christening?” Jay replied incredulously. “You know, where your baby brother and baby niece are going to be dunked in a bowl of water while we sit there and hope neither are the Anti-Christ. Didn’t Phil tell you? He said you was going over there this morning.”

“No,” Ben replied, the whole reason he’d come to the funeral parlour in the first place springing back into the forefront of his mind. His whole body clamming up and muscles tensing like he’d been dunked in ice water. “He weren’t there.”

“Oh, well apparently the vicar had a cancellation and they’re purging the sprogs of their sins down at the church on Saturday,” Jay replied, slowly lowering himself into his seat. “I’ve never seen Phil so happy. It’s like he’s had a personality transplant.”

That made Ben feel even more conflicted. Yeah, telling his dad may bring him closer to Phil. He’d no longer have to stand the humiliation of being replaced by Keanu, or listen to Phil bleat on about his new born baby, like he was the only son he had. It felt to Ben like Phil saw the child as another chance, like the baby was the second pancake in the pan. The one you kept after the first attempt was never quite how you wanted it.

It would ruin Phil’s happiness though. Perhaps the truth would out itself, but maybe it never would, and his dad could live out the rest of his days settled and content with his life. Would Ben be able to take that away just to placate his own sense of ego and get one over on Keanu? It would destroy them all. Was it worth it just so he could be the one to pick up the pieces?

“Yeah,” Callum replied to Jay’s question. “We’ll all chip in shall we, as they’ll be two presents. Lola coming in on it as well?”

There was a slight smirk that appeared on Callum’s face. He’d taken it upon himself to try and play matchmaker between the two, despite Ben’s objections that he couldn’t treat every situation like it was a scene out of a romcom. His boyfriend had a stubborn streak though, and once he got an idea into his head that was it.

“I think we’ll have to fork out her share!” Jay replied with a roll of his eyes. “She’s already complaining about the family lunch that Sharon’s throwing after. She may have a point though. It’s not like they ever turn out well is it?”

The next few days, Ben had been going over and over the information he had in his head, trying to decide what to do. He hadn’t talked to Callum about it yet. The day he turned up at the funeral parlour, he was eventually ushered out by Jay and that night Callum had another dream again. There was a part of Ben that didn’t want to burden him with the information, but he just wanted to share it with Callum. He knew he could trust him to give him the best advice. He’d support Ben with what to do and give him the courage to see it through.

Now, they were all sitting in the church watching the christening. Jay was behind him asking if being in the vicinity of holy water was going to cause him to burst into flames. Ben couldn’t focus though, he couldn’t spar back and relax. All his attention was looking towards Sharon and Keanu, trying to notice a chink in their armour and wondering if anyone else had figured it out too.

There were little looks, or perhaps he was just imagining it with the weight of the secret playing on his mind. Sharon was dressed all in black, her heels high and face poised. The perfect image of strength and resilience. However, there was a tremble there though, just by her ankles, that defied her focus. A clue that the façade was ready to shatter.

Looking at Keanu, Ben could believe that he’d just imagined the whole charade, had he not heard the words from out of his mouth. It was like he didn’t have a care in the world. The child he couldn’t claim as his, was in front of him, in another man’s arms and he didn’t even look like he could spare the little wretch a glance. Ben wouldn’t be able to do it. He couldn’t stand there with a smile on his face. How could he deny his child just to save his reputation?

As the anger was building up, Ben felt a soft brush to the back of his hand causing his fist to unclench. “You alright?” Callum asked in a whisper, leaning his lips close to Ben’s ear. “Don’t worry about not being up there. Me and Lex wouldn’t have anyone to sit with then, would we?”

Ben swallowed deeply. It had been another point of contention, but one he hadn’t spoken out loud. They hadn’t asked him to be godfather. Louise had asked Keegan and Bernie to be godparents, obviously at Keanu’s insistence, but there was no awkward apology or explanation as to why he hadn’t been offered the opportunity. He was the baby’s uncle as well. Even if Keanu was the father, if need be he’d do anything for the little one. She was family and he’d never let her go without. Instead, they placed the responsibility for their daughter in the hands of a couple of teenagers who could barely scrape together enough coppers between them to buy a burger from McKlunkies.

At least he hadn’t be asked to be the godparent of Sharon’s baby, so he wouldn’t be tempted to reveal all at the pulpit. Instead Mick and Linda were standing up there, dressed in their Sunday best and beaming at the little bastard. This poor baby boy that Ben believed was his brother, and with just a few choice words would be slung out into exile along with his mother.

“Nah, I’m fine,” Ben replied to his boyfriend, linking their fingers together. He loved the warm feel of Callum’s hands. The heat was so tangible, it always settled his mind and body. “I couldn’t leave you to sit with motormouth back there and have him bore you with five hundred years of history about the church.”

“Oi!” Jay hissed, giving him a nudge to the back of the head. “I only mentioned that it was bombed during the war! It was hardly a lecture! How long is this thing going on for anyway? I’m starving.”

“Can we get ice-cream on the way home, Mummy?” Lexi asked with a sigh, fidgeting in her seat and picking at the blue satin ribbon off her dress. She was sat on the row behind Ben, when Callum had unsubtly ushered her and Lola in next to Jay in the hopes that his two friends would fall into each other’s arms at the sound of the church bells. Ben had simply shaken his head. With the scene going on at the front of the building, he didn’t feel like there was much real romance around at the moment. Though, catching Callum’s cheerful grin when Jay put his arm on the pew behind Lola, and feeling his heart skip twice as fast, he knew that it could exist.

“No darlin’, we’re going to Grandad’s aren’t we?” Lola whispered back insistently. “Sharon’s cooked us a nice lunch.”

“But Daddy said that it’ll probably be unediable and we’ll spend three days puking our guts out of our noses,” Lexi whined, now unravelling a thread on her bow.

“Did Daddy?” Lexi replied through gritted teeth, as Ben felt several sets of eyes on the back of his head. “I’m sure he was just joking, sweetheart. Weren’t you Ben?”

Ben reluctantly turned around and gave his daughter a soft smile. “I’m sure lunch will be lovely, princess,” he confirmed, letting the lie easily spill from his lips. “Just spit anything into your napkin that smells like roadkill.”

Thankfully the ceremony hadn’t lasted too much longer, and after the large amount of photos that Louise insisted she take from a multitude of different angles, they all left the church. It was just going to be a family lunch with plans to head to the Vic later to have a drink and celebrate with the rest of the Square.

They were all ushered into the lounge, where the table had been set and all the family were laughing and joking. The weight of knowledge felt crushing to Ben. Usually, he’d love being the one who had this kind of information and all the power it held with it. He’d thrive on being able to pull down someone’s world with just a click of his fingers. There was a sense of purpose in that; a thrill and an authority that was addictive.

Not anymore though, not now at least. There were too many secrets hiding in his head; too many lies and facades that he was struggling to keep a tight grip on. All the happiness seemed to be shoved aside in his mind, with all the pressure blocking his view of it. Every time Callum kissed him, or Lexi gave him a hug, it was like the goodness was fighting back, but it soon faded only to be replaced with the darkness creeping back in. It was overwhelming. He wasn’t sure he could do it any longer.

Scanning the room quickly, his eyes focused on Callum. He was in conversation with Billy and Jay, holding a bottle of beer in one hand and using the other to gesture and emphasise certain points in his story. Ben needed to talk to him. He needed to let some of his secrets out.

Making his way across the room, he landed by Callum’s side. “So when he gets out, he then stumbles into the floral arrangement, cost a right few quid mind, spluttering an apology to the daughter,” Callum said with a laugh as Billy chuckled along, while Jay remained stony faced and shaking his head. “All the while, Reverend Hadley’s trying to read his way through ‘Footprints’ and Jay’s kicked over the pot of soil and trod on the rose that the widow was gonna throw in!”

“You alright?” Ben asked, as Callum stopped to take a breath and to take a swig of his drink while Jay began to defend his escapades to Billy. Already he was regretting his decision. Callum looked so happy, holding court, talking with confidence and poise in the middle of a Mitchell family gathering. There was a time when Ben felt like he was barely holding on to his boyfriend; a mere slither of thread keeping him from crashing and burning. He could see it, the weight of the world on Callum’s shoulders; the pressure building, the shame and guilt pulling him down. Ben had felt so helpless.

“There you are. Missed you,” Callum replied, leaning down to kiss Ben. He cupped the back of his head to hold him close, caressing his hair softly, while letting his lips linger against Ben’s so he could taste the hoppy tinge that had settled on his tongue. When he leaned back, Callum kept the back of his hand on Ben’s neck moving the short hair there gently around with his finger. It was like a rush of calmness stroked through Ben’s body at the sensation.

“I was only over in the corner!” Ben replied with a chuckle, as Jay and Billy shared a glance. He motioned to the bottle in Callum’s hand. “How many of them you had?”

“What? I can’t kiss my gorgeous boyfriend unless I’m drunk?” Callum replied swinging an arm around him and leaning his head down to rest on Ben’s.

“No, you can always kiss your gorgeous boyfriend, but your gorgeous boyfriend also knows that you get tipsy on a champagne truffle, let alone swigging down your third beer,” Ben responded, raising his eyebrows.

“Oh really?” Callum grinned flirtatiously, as he put the bottle down, hooked his arms around Ben’s neck and placed his forehead against his boyfriend’s.

Ben returned the smile and linked his arms around Callum’s back, rubbing against the thin shirt material there to graze the muscles. “Yeah, really,” he whispered back, holding the gaze as he felt the tension between them prickle excitingly.

“Bill, pass me that waste bin to chuck up in, would you?” Jay muttered. “I’ve come over all queasy.”

Ben let go of Callum reluctantly and hurtled out of his grip with his arms held open in front of him, pulling Jay into a reluctant hug. “Aww, bruv we need to find you someone to cuddle up to at night,” he said, as Jay started to elbow him until he wriggled out of his grip. “Can’t be much heat in snuggling up to the corpses in the coffins.”

“I don’t need no one,” Jay replied defensively. “Bill, will you stop making that face? I weren’t hugging a stiff! My watch was loose and fell into the coffin and I was just reaching in to get it!”

“Don’t worry, I believe you!” Billy replied, with his hands in the air at the submission. “I’m not sure that client that came into the room was quite so sure though.”

Ben linked his fingers with Callum’s as he chuckled along to the two men launching into a good humoured argument. He loved seeing Callum happy and laughing, but he wondered how much of it was just fuelled by the drink he had consumed since arriving. There had been another nightmare the previous evening, he was sure of it. Ben had awoken to find his boyfriend pale, with dark circles around his eyes and sitting in the floor by the bedroom wall with Jet snuggled onto his lap, as much as she could fit. Callum was staring at the wall, tracing the place where he’d carved their names in the day they moved in.

Watching him for a minute, Ben couldn’t help but think back to their start. It was like every obstacle that could have been thrown in their way was chucked violently in their direction, forcing them to stay apart. They shouldn’t have happened, all the odds were against them. There was still a bit of guilt in Ben for carrying on an affair behind Whitney’s back. Even though he had convinced Callum that it wasn’t cheating, he knew very clearly what it was. Thinking back, he was sure that Callum knew as well.

For that reason, could he really criticise Sharon and Keanu that much? Was he in the position to do that after what he had done? They had no choice though. Callum wasn’t ready to come out and he would not betray him by forcing that. Keanu and Sharon had no excuse though. True, he didn’t know the extent of their relationship, but they certainly had more choices than he and Callum did.

“Right, then!” Sharon called, entering the room laden with dishes in her hands. “Everyone take your seats!”

“Glued to your phone, Lou?” Ben commented, sitting down on his chair. He didn’t even try to sit next to his dad, and part of him was happy just sitting next to his boyfriend. He felt less alone. “Nice to know motherhood hasn’t changed your priorities.”

“I’m watching my baby on the phone,” Louise glimmered back, showing him the screen as she sat down. “Keanu set up a camera. You know, because he’s a thoughtful, considerate man. What’s the last thing you gave Callum? A car when you own a car lot. You really went all out! What did you do? Just shove a bow on some old banger you couldn’t shift?”

“He loves the car,” Ben replied, ignoring the roll of Keanu’s eyes and trying to hold his tongue. “And trust me I’m a very thoughtful boyfriend. He was very pleased with what I give him last night.”

“Can we start this meal or do we have to listen to this rubbish any further?” Phil exclaimed, sitting down a letting out a long sigh. “The babies make less racket than you two.”

Ben leaned back in his chair slightly as he felt a hand rest on his thigh. It was grounding and calming. He wanted to scream across the dinner table at his dad. At his own father, who was now chuckling along with his hand on Keanu’s shoulder, as they both looked at the screen to see his granddaughter in her cot. If only he knew the truth, that hand would be squeezing the light out of Keanu’s eyes.

Then he looked at Louise. She was radiant and so blissfully happy. His sister was an annoying pain in the arse but she was still his family. How could he spoil her happiness? She was so young and naïve. She’d had a few harsh realities in her life, but nothing devastating. Nothing that would tear the air out of her lungs. He didn’t want to be responsible for putting her through that. Whatever he thought of Keanu, he knew that Louise loved him. He knew how forgiving and important love was. At that moment Sharon walked in with the final tray of food, holding it loftily in the air like a Queen at a parade.

“There you are,” she remarked, laying the dish carefully down on the table, her cheeks reddened with the exertion of the day. “Dig in before it gets cold!”

“This looks lovely, Sharon,” Honey exclaimed, as the centre piece was steaming away in front of her. “I do love a good roast duck. Lou, did the baby monitor we gave you not work? I can always take it back if it’s playing up. It was a good quality one.”

Louise seemed to miss the undertone of Honey’s comment. “Oh, it works fine,” she replied, putting her phone down on the table against her glass, so she could still watch the screen. “Some little brat keeps on moving the receiver out of the nursery though to try and listen in on conversations, so this way I can keep an eye on my daughter and my favourite brother.”

She gave a glaring smile across the table that Ben returned in kind. He didn’t need reminding that he had been well and truly replaced by an heir apparent. He didn’t want that to play on his decision to reveal the secret lingering in the air though. This couldn’t be about him, as much as he had his own selfish reasons for each of his choices.

“Denny!” Sharon exclaimed, clearly annoyed at her son. “Have you been moving the baby monitor again? It wasn’t funny the first time. It’s to listen out for our children, not to be used as a spy toy! Chicken, Honey?”

  
“I’m sorry?” Honey asked, looking around confusingly, as Dennis grinned to himself.

“It’s not just duck. I found a recipe online fit for a special occasion. It’s also chicken, pigeon and quail,” Sharon replied happily, handing the knife to Phil to carve.

“So it’s a bird, in a bird, in a bird, in a bird?” Lola remarked, pulling her face into a grimace. “That is special.”

“It’s like Ben’s nightmare!” Louise giggled haughtily.

“Or Keanu’s dream,” Ben responded through gritted teeth, though he regretted the words as soon as they left his lips. He didn’t want to just blurt anything out without thinking it through and making the best decision.

“What’s that supposed to mean?” Keanu asked, looking at Ben questioningly. If there was a hint of suspicion that Ben may know his secret, then it wasn’t evident on his face.

“Ben,” Callum whispered next to him, clearly sensing the tension in his boyfriend, and remembering how the last dinner turned out. “Just leave it.”

“It’s fine Callum,” Ben replied confidently, patting his boyfriend’s hand where it still rested on his own thigh. “We all know how much of a caring and thoughtful man Keanu is. Plenty of that to share around.”

“Are you meant to eat those?” Honey interrupted, pointing to the meat in front of her. “Aren’t they just rodents with wings?”

“It’s a pigeon, Hon,” Jay replied. “Not the cast of Ratatouille. They have them at all them posh restaurants up West, don’t they?”

“Don’t give Ian ideas, or he’ll shove it on his menu. He’ll be up Trafalgar Square with a shovel and a bin bag,” Lola said, trying to saw her duck meat with great difficulty.

“My finance and my daughter are my life, Ben.” Keanu remarked after a moment. “Just because it took a while for you to get your act together, don’t take it out on me.”

Honey went wide eyed at the tension around the table. “Can I have a slice of Quinoa, please Sharon?” she asked nervously, holding out her plate.

“My family may be messy but at least it’s real,” Ben spat out, picking up the knife and twirling it in his hand.

“It’s quail, Hon,” Jay responded, though his eyebrows were furrowed across the table. He clearly knew that Ben was keeping something in and held a look of worry. “Quiona’s that cous-cous thing.”

“You want to explain how my family, ain’t real?” Keanu replied. Ben gripped the knife even harder. “I have been there for my daughter since birth, I have and will see her every day of her life, and I didn’t have to ruin a marriage to get someone to love me.”

Ben hit the knife hard against the table. He was going to wipe the smug look off Keanu’s face. Just as he was about to open his mouth, he felt himself being lifted off his chair. “Out! Now!” Callum commanded, taking him by the wrist and pulling him towards the door. An awkward silence was descending across the table and Ben could sense eyes watching them.

“A pigeon doesn’t look big enough to swallow a quail whole, does it?” Ben heard Honey remark, as he let himself be led upstairs. The seesaw in his mind was just going to and fro between screaming out the truth or keeping it to himself. With every sway and bounce, the plank of wood slammed into his head. He didn’t know what to do. He didn’t know whether to tell his dad, he didn’t know what to do about Callum’s pain and he didn’t know how to get out of this mess he’d created at work.

He was shoved into the bathroom, and Callum pulled the door closed and locked it behind them. “Right. What’s going on?” he said, his eyes expectant, sitting down on the side of the bath.

“The usual. Keanu’s being a twat and my dad’s sitting by and giving him a gold star while he does it,” Ben muttered with a shrug, kicking at the floor tiles with his foot. “Just your typical Mitchell family meal. Do we have to have all our conversations in a bathroom?”

“Nahh, that ain’t it,” Callum replied dismissively, shaking his head. “You’re keeping something back. You’d happily go round on round with Keanu. He can’t play at your level and you take more than a little pleasure in knocking him down!”

“You heard what he said in there, didn’t you?” Ben exclaimed, pointing towards the door. “He’s up on his high horse criticising our relationship!”

“Yeah, I heard,” Callum replied, nodding. “I also heard you have a little nudge when you’re more than capable of knocking him right off. What’s going on?”

“You sleep well last night?” Ben responded, trying to throw the attention off himself. “Cause it seemed like you was having another of them dreams again.”

“Don’t turn this back on me!” Callum said, standing up. “I know you. I know something’s up. You think I don’t realise that running a car lot don’t require you to answer your phone at 3am? What’s going on?”

Ben could tell him. He could tell him everything now. He could take this big black hole of a burden that was rolling around inside his stomach and hurl in all down on the ground in front of him. The light that Callum offered could help, though his own darkness could taint it. That he couldn’t do. He didn’t want him involved when it started, and he couldn’t be involved now. Both of them couldn’t look behind them at the shadows in the dark.

Instead, he let go of the secret that wasn’t his, but one that would still bear burden. “It’s Sharon’s baby. It ain’t my dad’s. It’s Keanu’s.”

Callum furrowed his eyebrows and shook his head like he had misheard. “What? Why’d you think that?” he asked.

“I don’t think anything,” Ben said, leaning his back against the door. “I know. I heard them shouting their mouths off when I went round to see my dad the other day. Bold as brass, even though anyone could have heard them.”

“Maybe you misheard?” Callum offered. “It could have been a joke, or it weren’t how it sounded.”

“A joke!” Ben exclaimed, running his fingers through his hair. “How many times have you had a laugh about shagging the in-laws, Callum? What, don’t you believe me?”

“No, course I do,” Callum said, approaching Ben and running his hands up and down his arms comfortingly. “It’s just a bit weird innit? Keanu and Sharon? It still going on, you think?”

Ben put his arms around Callum’s waist and leant his head against his chest. It was one weight off his shoulders. The rest he’d bury down for now. “Wouldn’t surprise me,” Ben mumbled lowering his hands and slipping them under Callum’s shirt. “He knows nothing about loyalty. He knows nothing about family.”

“Are you gonna tell your dad?” Callum replied, lowering his body slightly so he could pepper kisses along Ben’s neck.

“I don’t know what to do,” Ben replied, leaning his head back and moving his hand up to thread through Callum’s hair. He couldn’t help but notice that his boyfriend’s hands were moving to his hips and pulling him in closer. Ben started to grin. “Sharon’s fancy bath towels turning you on are they?”

“Maybe it’s the glow of honesty on you,” Callum replied with a smirk, moving up to kiss Ben longer on the lips. “Very sexy.”

“Oh really?” Ben smiled back, moving his hands to Callum’s belt. “Well did I ever mention that I nicked a sticky bun from the caff when I was eleven? I was a right little Artful Dodger.”

  
“That were last week!” Callum exclaimed. “I was there! And you weren’t exactly secretive, was you? You announced it to the whole place, and then ran out as Ian threw a tea towel at you!”

“Well, I still thieved it didn’t I?” Ben muttered, moving Callum closer to the wall. “That bit’s the truth.”

“Well, not really,” his boyfriend replied bashfully, as he played with the buttons on Ben’s shirt. “I gave Ian the money for it when I left.”

“Oh, well it seems like I’m in your debt,” Ben replied, brushing his hands up and down Callum’s chest. “How ever can I replay you?”

While continuing to loosen Callum’s belt and pull his trousers and boxers down, Ben slipped to the floor. When they were alone like this, it was like nothing else in the world mattered. They were in their own little world, just the two of them in each other’s orbit. He moved Callum’s shirt out of the way and started plastering kisses near his belly button and the golden trail of hair below it. He could feel Callum’s grip tighten in his hair. His boyfriend loved it when he did this, the little gasps escaping from his throat almost inaudible.

Ben looked up with his eyes toward Callum, who had his head thrown back and his tongue moving out to moisten his lips. Giving a slight sharp scratch to his thighs with his nails, Ben got Callum’s attention and darkened blue eyes were suddenly on his. Callum was already half hard and Ben put his hands behind him, giving a cheeky squeeze to his bum, before moving one hand to his hip and the other hand to his cock, giving him a few confident strokes.

Ben almost leapt out of his skin when there was a loud rap on the door. “Oi! Artful Dodger! Get your kit back on and get downstairs now!” Jay’s voice rang through the door with urgency. “It’s all kicking off!”

Callum furrowed his eyebrows and started to do his trousers back up. “Uh, why’d he just call you that?” he asked, confused.

Ben shook his head slightly, as he now heard the sounds of shouting and crashing from the lounge. Out of the corner of his eye, something caught his attention. Sitting on the sink, lit up with the on button shining out, was a baby monitor.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry this took a long time. I feel even more guilty about it due to the fact that it's been sitting in my computer for three weeks and only needed a quick proof read! The lead up to Christmas, and Christmas itself was very hectic and tiring though!
> 
> I do have this story all planned out, but this was meant to be posted a good few weeks before the Sheanu reveal on screen, so it's just a coincidence that the chapter I did the reveal matched up to when EE did theirs. They're in two different worlds though, so hopefully no one get's too bored with mine in comparison!


	6. Two Breaths

Ben couldn’t help but stare at the monitor. How could he have missed it? The large green light was flashing brightly, suddenly seeming like it was engulfing the small bathroom.

“Oh God, do you think they heard us…you know?” Callum asked nervously, putting his hair back into place in front of the mirror. “Why does this keep happening?”

“You get off by doing it in public places, babe,” he replied with a smirk, just managing to dodge the shower cap Callum threw his way. “What? Don’t try and act the innocent with me! Besides, I’m not sure our sex life is going to be the main focus of conversation.”

“You alright?” Callum asked, nodding towards the speaker. “It’s ain’t your fault. You were trying to do the right thing.”

Ben nodded, though he couldn’t say he fully believed the words as the baby monitor blinked at him in suspicion. With a deep breath, he held out his hand to Callum, for comfort more than anything, and opening the door. They made their way out of the bathroom, and headed downstairs.

As they entered the lounge, the scene of destruction was clear to see. The dining table was tossed on its side, stained and dishevelled. Food littered the carpet, as shards of broken crockery were stabbed intermittently throughout. Honey was standing to one side, staring intently at the scene, as though she was frozen in time mid chew. Billy and Jay were perched against the sideboard, like police standing over a crime scene.

“Where’s Lexi?” Ben asked insistently. He spent enough of his childhood with scenes like this. He didn’t want that for his daughter.

Billy looked up at Ben then but was barely able to look him in the eye. “Lola took all the kids back to your mum’s once…well once we heard what you said,” he replied, in an accusing tone.

“How much did you hear?” Ben asked, looking at the baby monitor that was lying on the floor among the chicken bones. He had a feeling that Jay had ripped it out of the socket before he’d come to find them.

“Well enough to really kick start the dinner table conversation, put it that way,” Jay explained, pushing himself off the sideboard to walk closer, trying to avoid the large lumps of food on his way. “Keanu and Sharon ain’t exactly got good poker faces, so once you mouthed off everything fell apart.”

“And my dad?” Ben asked, hesitantly. He had noticed his conspicuous absence as soon as he entered the room. Part of him wanted to find him straight away, but he wasn’t entirely sure he wanted to hear what Phil would have to say. “Did he believe it?”

“Well the fact that Honey’s now got half a quail and a pint of gravy down her dress, should give you a big clue about his reaction!” Jay replied incredulously, gesturing to the state of the room. “I thought he was gonna lunge at Keanu and kill him with a chicken drumstick.”

“Well, can’t say I blame him for that,” Ben muttered, earning him an nonthreatening glare from Billy.

“Good job too! The sound of the shouting drowned out the soft porn show that was blaring out the speaker by my earhole!” Jay said with a shake of his head. “Nice of you to provide us with some dinner entertainment but I’m getting a bit sick of seeing and hearing you two kop off!”

“Jay, it weren’t like that,” Ben heard Callum say behind him. He turned around and saw his boyfriend was blushing under everyone’s gaze.

“No, it weren’t,” Ben confirmed with a grin. “Soft? Hardcore all the way.”

“Ben!” Callum hissed, rubbing his hand on his face. “Not the time! You alright, Honey?”

“I was quite enjoying the quail,” she replied softly, still gripping on to the knife and fork. “It was going so well.”

“Bill,” Jay said with a tap to his shoulder. He moved closer and started removing the cutlery from Honey’s hands. “Why don’t you take Honey over to see the kids?”

“Yeah. Yeah, you’re right,” Billy replied, trying to delicately step over the carcass of a duck. “C’mon Hon, let’s go check if they’re okay.”

As they left, Ben turned his attention back to Jay. “Where’s the happy couple? They leave as well?”

“Nah, they’re in the kitchen. Sharon ran up to get the baby as soon as she heard what you said,” Jay replied, scraping some gravy off his shoe. “Callum? What are you doing?”

Ben turned his head to see his boyfriend crouched to the floor. “I’m tidying,” he replied, as if it were an obvious reaction to what had just happened. “What, we just gonna leave it like this and watch the telly sitting on a pile of mashed potato?”

“Cal, leave it. I need you to go with, Jay,” Ben stated, as Jay looked quizzically at him. “I need you both to go find my dad, make sure he ain’t done something stupid. Neither of you are involved, he might listen to both of you.”

“Yeah, or he might chuck a bottle of vodka at us,” Jay replied, with a sigh. Ben would grateful if he did. At least it meant he wasn’t chucking it down his throat. “Right, come on then Callum. Let’s go find an angry, bald man wanting to kick the shit out of something, and hope we get out alive. Tempted to bring that serving plate as a shield.”

Callum got up from where he was crouching down and approached Ben, taking his hand in his. “You gonna be alright? What are you gonna do?” he asked, the concern on his face evident.

“I’ve just got a few little tweets I want to have in a few little ears,” he replied, squeezing Callum’s hand back and rubbing his thumb onto his boyfriend’s skin to try and convey that everything would be fine. If only it were that easy.

“Well, be careful yeah?” Callum said, leaning down to kiss him. Ben returned the gesture with full force, the gratitude of what he had hitting him suddenly, and the reaction of not wanting to let that go. “Don’t worry about your dad. We’ll call if we find him.”

“Would you get a move on, Highway!” Jay called from the door, screwing his face up “I don’t really want to witness a matinee showing after hearing the audiobook version through the speaker.”

“I’ll see you later,” Ben said in a whisper, leaning up to give Callum’s cheek a kiss, before letting go of his hand. He felt the withdrawal immediately. The lack of pressure causing his skin to feel cold and his palm to feel vacant.

When Ben heard the front door slam firmly closed, he made his way across the room. The kitchen door was shut, but he heard muffled voices inside. He let out a breath he was holding and put his shoulders back, before entering the room. “Aww, ain’t this cosy. The family all together.”

Keanu scraped his chair back from the kitchen table and stood up. “Haven’t you done enough, Ben?”

“Me?” Ben replied, frustrated that he was getting the blame yet again. He wondered if that’s what his dad thought too. That all of this was somehow all his fault. “I ain’t the one that’s been riding raw all around the Square, am I? I mean, I figured the GCSE results letter must have been a bit light on the ground, but you might have wanted to pay attention in Sex Ed at least.”

“You couldn’t have just come to me?” Sharon said, still sitting down, a sleeping baby tucked into her neck. “After all I’ve done for you. Why didn’t you come, sit me down and tell me you knew.”

“All you’ve done for me?” Ben spat out, laughing. He lent against the wall with his hands in his pockets. “A friendly chat about the weather here and there and a couple of plates of egg and chips don’t exactly make you my fairy godmother, does it? More importantly, why didn’t you tell my dad? You’ve had well over nine months.”

“Have you met your dad?” Keanu replied incredulous at the suggestion. “What did you expect us to do? You know what his reaction would be. You’ve seen the state of the other room!”

“I weren’t exactly expecting you to print it on balloons at the birth, but you’ve had long enough,” Ben clarified. “You must have known this would have come out eventually. You’re hardly MI6 material, Keanu.”

“It might not have,” the other man replied, sitting back down in his chair. “It probably wouldn’t have, but you had to make sure it would, didn’t you?”

“You think I did that on purpose?” Ben asked. He knew how it looked, that he was the one to reveal everything. “If I had wanted him to know, I would have taken more than a little pleasure in telling him face to face. It were an accident.”

“Well, it was one hell of an accident!” Sharon interrupted, trying to keep her voice to a harsh whisper. “You’re bent out of shape because all the attention is elsewhere and then suddenly you’re blurting everything out over a speaker.”

“I didn’t shout it out over a megaphone, Sharon,” Ben replied with gritted teeth. “You can thank your precious little angel for that. The other one, not this bastard here. Dennis is the one that moved the baby monitor into the bathroom.”

Sharon glared at him witheringly, but he stood tall. They could accuse him as much as they wanted, he knew he hadn’t done it on purpose. How could he?

“Are you telling me you didn’t see it there?” Keanu enquired accusingly. “You ain’t stupid, Ben!”

“Well from most people, I’d take that as a compliment, but you hardly set a high bar,” he muttered back. “I didn’t see the baby monitor there. You can believe it or not. That’s the truth.”

“Because you always tell the truth, right?” Sharon said, barely able to turn her head to face him. “Poor Ben, up there in his ivory tower ready to cast judgement on the rest of us. You need to remember how much farther you’ve got to fall. You need to remember what it’s like down in the gutter. Tell yourself it was all an accident if you want, darlin’. But who’s the only one that’s gained anything from this? I hope being shoulder to shoulder with your dad is worth it for now, because it won’t be too long before you’re looking up at him from the mud.”

Ben found himself unable to speak. He had all these thoughts playing around his head mischievously, whispering and goading him but he couldn’t get a handle on them. Perhaps they had taken control of him. Maybe they were right. Did he see the baby monitor on in there? Giving a final nod, he opened up the door to the kitchen and started to stroll down the hallway, checking his phone to see if Callum had called, the sound of the baby’s cries ringing in his ears. As he got closer to the staircase though, he realised it wasn’t coming from the kitchen.

Creeping up the final few stairs quietly, he saw that the door to the nursery was ajar. He slowly approached the door, putting out one finger to gently push it open. It moved with a long creak and Ben peered into the room. Sitting on the floor by the wall, with a baby held in her arms, was Louise. “She’s cranky because she was woken from her nap and now she won’t go back to sleep,” his sister said blankly, staring at the opposite wall. “She needs her routine; nothing’s going to go right with the day now.”

Ben gave a small smile though he didn’t think that Louise saw it. He wasn’t even sure that she knew that it was him that had come into the room. There wasn’t much he could think to say, so he stepped quietly over to the wall and sat down next to her. “Here ya. Give us her here,” he said, low and soft. “Though Jay says the sight of my face usually starts people off crying.”

Louise didn’t hand over the baby, but she didn’t resist when Ben leaned over and picked her up out of his sister’s arms. The little girl gave a stifling cry that caught in her throat, but then seemed to quiet when settled in the new set of hands, looking up inquisitively.

“I don’t know what to do,” Louise confessed, almost in a whisper. Her arms were still in the same position as when she was holding the baby, almost as she was fixed in time, unwilling to move on, but not wanting to look back.

“You concentrate on looking after this beautiful one,” Ben replied, running a finger delicately over the cheek of the little girl in his arms. “She’s your world and you’re her’s. This won’t change that.”

“I love him,” his sister replied firmly, before turning her head to face him. “What do I do about that?”

Ben shook his head. He didn’t have a good answer for how to fix this. Like everything he seemed to get caught up in, there were no easy remedies. Once everything had shattered into a thousand different parts, it was no good trying to fix them back together and expecting it to be the same. He was so busy trying to hold everything still, because he knew what would happen if it all fell down. There was no going back. “I don’t know,” he replied simply. “He don’t matter.”

“To you,” she stated, her eyes starting to focus. Ben looked back at her questioningly. “You mean that he doesn’t matter to you. And if someone doesn’t matter to Ben, then everyone else has to follow with the same opinion. How long was it going on? Him and Sharon?”

“I don’t know,” he repeated honestly. Thinking back to the morning he was eavesdropping in the kitchen, they didn’t exactly advertise a start date. They didn’t seem to be acting like it was just a one night stand though. “A while I think.”

“Well is it over?” Louise demanded, lowering her voice just slightly when the baby started to wriggle in Ben’s arms. “Are they still cheating? Does he want to be with her?”

“I don’t know!” Ben said again loudly, causing his niece to wriggle and moan out a small cry. He passed the baby back to his sister. “Does it matter, Lou? You can’t honestly think about going back to him! He’s had a baby with our step mum! That’s going to make creating the family tree on Ancestry a bit of a pickle to complete! He can’t be trusted!”

“Callum cheated!” Louise replied, holding the baby with one hand as she used the other to pull herself up from the wall. “Do you still trust him?”

“He cheated with me!” Ben exclaimed, moving to stand as well. “Besides, that was different.”

“Of course,” Louise replied, nodding her head sarcastically. “Because different rules apply in Ben’s world. It’s fine for his perfect little boyfriend to be a cheater, but I’ve got to chuck mine out of my life. We’ve got a daughter together. Anyway, I don’t even know if it happened when we were together!”

“He’s going to break your heart, Lou,” Ben continued, facing his sister. “Yeah? He’s got a daughter with you, but also a baby with Sharon. Don’t kid yourself that you can play happy families after this come out.”

Louise blinked back at him, her mouth pursed. “It didn’t just come out though, did it?” she said through gritted teeth. “You let it out! Funny that, how you’ve always been jealous of Keanu and when you’ve finally got something that will hurt him, it just slips out!”

“I never did this on purpose, Lou!” he insisted again. The question still rattled around his mind though. Did he see the monitor? “I would never hurt you. I will help you take care of this baby. I’ll not let you be alone.”

His sister’s face softened a little, but she still looked drained, like all the life energy had been pulled out of her in one grab, just leaving an empty shell. “I just want to get out of this place. Is Keanu still here.”

Ben nodded. “Yeah, he’s in the kitchen,” he replied, and started to put a few of the baby’s things in the nappy bag. “I think he thought you’d gone over to my mum’s when Lola took the kids.”

Louise swallowed heavily; her face disheartened that her fiancé hadn’t come to look for her straight away. “Will you take me to Bex’s?”

They walked in silence through the Square towards Dot’s house, Louise holding her baby close. Ben couldn’t help but notice the sag in her shoulders. She seemed older now somehow, like a different person from the bubbly young woman who was shrieking with glee when a butterfly landed on her arm in the middle of the Christening photos.

After Ben had made sure Louise was safe at Dot’s and promised he’d be there in an instant if she called, he started to make his way back through the Square, wondering if the others had managed to locate his dad. As if reading his mind, a text came through his phone.

_We’re back at yours. Tell you more when you get here. J_

Ben turned back in the other direction, strolling quickly towards his flat. There was ambiguity in the message. He didn’t know if his dad would be there, or if they’d even managed to track him down. When he arrived home, he opened the door, stepping into the lounge to see Lola, Jay and Callum sitting on the sofa. Jay had an ice lolly held to his head and Lola was holding Callum’s hand, wiping it with disinfectant.

“What happened?” Ben asked with urgency, absently patting Jet on the head when she jumped up at him, trying to lick his hands. He gently pushed the dog away, and hurried to sit on the sofa next to Callum. “Did you find my dad?”

“No, we got into a tussle with a Brownie troop by the community centre,” Jay responded with a roll of his eyes. “Course we found him! Not to skip to the end, but he weren’t that happy about it. Cheers, for sending us!”

“Are you okay?” Ben said, turning his attention to Callum. He brushed the arm that Lola wasn’t attending to gently up and down with his fingers. He hated seeing Callum hurt, even though it was just a scratch. It made him worry; it made him remember that his boyfriend wasn’t indestructible. He could bleed. “Did my dad do this to you?”

“Oh I’m fine by the way!” Jay intercepted. “I’m just stuck here with a lemon and lime Calippo perched on my head where I’ve got the bump the size of a grapefruit appearing. It weren’t quite like that anyway.”

“Will you shut up about that lolly!” Lola replied shaking her head, as she put a large plaster over Callum’s cut. “Not my fault these two ain’t got any food in their freezer. It’s either that or a Tupperware container of chilli!

“Well, what were it like then?” Ben asked, looking back towards Callum who gave a quirk of a smile. “Where is he now?”

“We got Billy to come and get him from the Arches. He’s staying with him tonight,” Callum answered reassuringly. “He got a bit angry and tried to push me to the wall. My hand swung back, knocked Jay on the head and then I caught my arm on some of the metal work at the garage.”

“He tried to hurt you?” Ben asked, fury bubbling away in his belly. He’d sent Callum there, and now he was hurt. This was all on him. “I’m sorry.”

“It weren’t you,” Callum said, with a chuckle. “He’s just had a bit of a shock today, is all. We found him quite quickly. Don’t worry, he weren’t having a drink or nothing. Just kicking the hell out of an old engine!”

“We tried to have a quiet chat,” Jay continued. “But he weren’t that interested, unsurprisingly enough. I might give him a bit of space the next few days, if I were you. He weren’t exactly waxing lyrical about your little bathroom mumblings.”

Ben rolled his eyes, though he wasn’t surprised. It seemed that all eyes were pointed to him to place the blame. Perhaps he couldn’t see it, maybe it was all his fault in some way. When he heard, he could have just let it go, not gone over it in his brain so much, trying to decide what the best choice was. That wasn’t him; he could pick the selfish choice, the manipulative choice, sure. He had been kidding himself that he could make a decision that would benefit everyone else.

“It weren’t exactly the best way to let everyone know that the baby’s dad was also it’s brother in law!” Lola commented, pulling the ice lolly away from Jay’s head to check his injury. “Muttering it out over a speaker while you’ve got your fella’s todger in your hand, and the rest of us have a gob full of pigeon.”

“You think I did it deliberately too?” Ben enquired, leaning back against the couch cushions with a huff, as Callum grimaced slightly at the comment. “Is there anyone that believes that I didn’t know that sodding speaker was in the bathroom?”

“Well, he does,” Jay said, pointing the Calippo towards Callum. “Stepped right in to defend your honour when Phil was bad mouthing you. Right little knight in shining armour. That’s what caused Phil to have a pop. Trouble was he seemed to forget that your boyfriend’s got two foot of height on him. Ow!”

“Oh, stop complaining,” Lola replied, applying a fresh, cold lolly to Jay’s head. “It’ll do you good to have a few bumps and bruises. Make you look tough.”

Callum nudged Ben with his elbow and motioned with his head towards the scene of their two friends. “Don’t force it, Callum!” Ben replied in a hushed tone. “If it’s going to happen it’ll happen.”

“I’m not!” he whispered back, and then slid towards Ben to rest his head on his shoulder. Ben couldn’t help but smile and rest his cheek on Callum’s hair. “Just a little nudge.”

With a chuckle, Ben gave Callum a small shove so he was sitting upright. “Thank you for believing me,” he said, cupping his boyfriend’s face. “I think you’re the only one that does.”

“Well I believe in you. And I believe in us,” Callum said. There was a sweetness to the comment, almost a naivete, Ben thought. He liked the sentiment, even though if he knew it was just built on clouds. Looking at Callum’s face though, he was resolute, and that perhaps gave Ben more hope than he thought wise. “If we’ve got that, then everything else will follow.”

Two days later, Ben had finally summed up the courage to go see his Dad. He couldn’t bear the waiting any longer, it was eating him up inside just sitting and waiting for him to appear. He hoped that maybe Phil had calmed down, at least with him. From Billy, he knew that his Dad was still in a state, but as far as he was aware still not drinking.

Sharon had disappeared for a while according to Linda. Taken the baby and Dennis and gone to see Michelle for a few weeks. Keanu as well, had vanished after Louise refused to talk to him. Ben admired his sister for her show of strength; he thought she’d let him crawl back into her life quickly, full of promises and excuses. He would be back though. Ben was sure of it.

Approaching the Mitchell house, he rummaged in his pockets for his keys, pleased that he had picked up the right set for once. He unlocked the door and stepped in. There were plates stacked up in the sink and teabags slung on the counter. All the furniture was intact though, which he took as a good sign. An even better one was that he couldn’t see any empty bottle of vodka scattered around the room.

Stepping towards the lounge, he could hear the faint sound of the tv filling the space. Ben tentatively approached the room, peaking his head around the door. It was unlike him, to creep around anywhere. He felt like he was approaching a wounded lion. It may look docile, but it was more than capable of lashing out and sinking its teeth in.

“Dad,” he said quietly, once he’d seen Phil sitting in the armchair. The television was showing some horse racing, the crowd cheering as the runners and riders made their way down the final furlong. Ben swallowed slightly, as his dad had yet to look at him, still focused on the sport.

Chewing at his lip slightly, he hesitantly stepped further into the room and sat down on the couch, leaning forward and linking his hands together to rest on his legs. The living room was a lot tidier than the last time he saw it; he knew that was down to Jay, arranging to get it done before Phil came back. There was still the stench of old meat and small gravy stains on the wallpaper. The proof that you can take things out of sight, but their effects will linger on.

“You suddenly lost your voice?” Phil croaked out, almost startling Ben at the sudden sound. “Couldn’t shut you up the other day.”

“Dad,” he started, ready to try and explain. How he was supposed to articulate what went on in his head when he didn’t even know himself. He couldn’t bear having to look behind the curtain in his own mind.

“Just leave it, yeah,” Phil replied, without giving Ben the chance to speak. “You don’t think I’ve heard enough lies recently?”

“What are you going to do? Ben asked, not entirely sure what he was refereeing to, whether it was Sharon, Keanu, the baby or if his Dad intended to go back on the drink.

Phil gave a long sigh. “Well they’ve cleared off, ain’t they? So not much I can do. For now,” his Dad replied. “I ain’t back on the sauce if that’s what you’re asking. I’ve had Billy watching over me like a mother hen for two days; that’s more than likely to get me drinking than anything.”

Ben nodded, just glad that his dad seemed to be off the booze for now. Squinting slightly, he caught sight of something on the other side of Phil’s face. “What you done to yourself?” he asked, tapping his own cheek to explain his question.

“What I done?” Phil sputtered out with a vacant laugh. “What your fella did you mean!”

“You tried to hurt him,” Ben stated, before swallowing and building up his courage. “That weren’t on.”

“That it? He did a much better job at defending your honour,” Phil chuckled humourlessly. “Right little mouth he got on him.”

“Tell me about it,” Ben smirked, but he soon lost his grin when he saw his dad rolled his eyes and sit back in his chair. “He cares about me; thinks he can be my knight in shining armour.”

“What’s he got a white mare parked up out the funeral parlour, has he?” he huffed to himself. “He know about you?”

“He knows enough.”

“Yeah, well he ain’t thick,” Phil replied in warning. “He’ll find out what you’re up to eventually. I did. You’re out of your depth working with a scumbag like that.”

“I’m handling it, yeah!” Ben shouted insistently, standing up and walking towards the window. He took a deep breath and then turned back towards Phil. “Just because you never faced up to him, don’t mean I can’t. I don’t deal with him anyway. Mostly his lackies. He’s pretty much out the game now after what happened. Just reaps the rewards.”

“You’re forgetting I know this man. I saw him at his worst, I know what he’s capable of, more than you do. You were supposed to be kept out of it. A lot went on after you left, you don’t know the half of it,” Phil replied knowingly. “You stole from him; you really think that’s water under the bridge?”

“That’s why I’m working with him!” Ben replied relentlessly. He couldn’t admit the real reason. “I got too much to lose to hope that debt just disappears! Keep your enemies close, right? I do a few little jobs here and there; I get a bit back and he reaps the profits. Win win all around!”

“He’s got a long memory; us lot around here ain’t on his Christmas card list. What about when those little jobs start getting harder, eh?” Phil replied. “When you can’t shift all the gear so quick and he’s wanting payback? What do you think’s gonna happen then?”

Ben didn’t mention that was happening now. It had been a few weeks since the deadline that Buzz Cut had given him had passed and he’d only just got the profit that he’d had demanded during their last meeting. He’d have to arrange to see him in order to hand over the cash, and hope that all was forgotten.

Kicking the wall with his foot, the slight ash of reddened brick made its way onto his shoe. He glanced at his watch again as he tried to stay in the shadows away from any passing glances. Ben was just about to give up waiting, when a figure rounded into the ally way.

“I hope punctuality ain’t listed under special skills on your CV,” Ben said, remaining leaning against the wall. “I was beginning to think I was being stood up.”

Buzz Cut walked closer towards him, and Ben tried to keep his breath level, not wanting to show any fear. “Funny that,” the man said, scratching his chin and keeping expression neutral. “I could say the same for you. Trouble reading the calendar? I said a month.”

Ben reached into his pocket and pulled out the envelope. “Well, it’s all here now, as promised,” he stated, holding out the cash with as steady a hand as he could muster. “I’m good on my word. Now I want out.”

“I don’t think that’s your choice really, is it sunshine?” the man responded with a grin. “That’s up to the boss when he’s done with you, and I don’t think he’s quite got what he’s come for yet.”

“That’s ridiculous! It’s been almost a year now and I’ve made a small fortune for him, including all the money that went missing,” Ben replied, pushing himself up from the wall in frustration. “Which I know he managed to get back anyway. He told me as much.”

“He did. He and the missus came to an arrangement of sorts. He just don’t like to be stolen from,” Buzz Cut confessed. “It don’t excuse your little pick pocketing. You’re right, you have paid back all that money. But there was also the jewellery. “

Ben tried to keep his face as natural as possible. “I should ‘spose he got that back and all, didn’t he?”

“Most of it. Turns out it magically turned up with a dealer. Smart man; chose to hand it over,” Buzz Cut confirmed, looking in the envelope to check the money. “There were a few bits missing. A necklace, for instance”

“I’m supposed to know where that is, am I?” Ben replied, leaning back against the wall to keep his body still. “You think I added it to my diamante collection with my tiaras and broaches? You’re more than welcome to check the family vault.”

“Hmm, might take you up on that at some point,” Buzz Cut replied with a grin. “You ain’t silly, so lets not insult each other, shall we? You’d hide it in plain sight. Unless you cashed it in of course. You wouldn’t get market value, but it would be enough to buy something substantial. Something that would make a profit. We want the money back.”

“I ain’t admitting to anything,” Ben responded, with a shrug. He couldn’t let them find out his mum had it. He couldn’t let them find out she sold it. “But if you want the agreement to continue for a little longer, and your Guv’nor wants to make a bit of extra cash to cover the cost of his costume jewellery, then fine by me.”

“It’s not just the necklace,” Buzz Cut continued. “There’s the payement for the ring as well, but I’m sure that’s slipped your mind too.”

Ben pushed himself to full height, cocked his head and looked at the other man curiously. “I don’t know nothing about a ring,” Ben stated firmly. “We’ve been gentleman up till now, don’t go palming off everything on me just cause your boss got slippery fingers. I know nothing about no ring.”

Buzz Cut stared at him curiously. “You really don’t, do you?” he said with something Ben could almost mistake as a laugh. “Well, at least it’ll be entertaining watching you find out.”

“Wait, you know I didn't have it?” Ben asked, not quite understanding. “Playing hard to get? Why not just tell me?”

“Where’s the fun in that?” Buzz Cut smirked back. “New deal. We’ll get the gear to you by Friday, and expect a return before the end of the month.”

“Fine,” Ben replied. He knew he couldn’t push it any further, as much as he still had questions. “Same rules apply though. I still take my cut. I’m the one with all the liability here. I’m doing you a favour.”

“You tell yourself that if it gets you to sleep at night,” Buzz Cut replied indifferently as he started to head back down the ally. “Me? I sleep like a baby. Oh, and Ben, don’t think I’ve forgotten how behind you were with the payment from your last ‘favour’. I might have to give you a little reminder, just so that don’t happen again.”

“What’s that supposed to mean?” Ben asked, starting to take a few steps in the direction that Buzz Cut was headed. The man didn’t respond though, he just turned his head back once and grinned, disappearing into the night as if he had never been there to begin with.

“I ain’t having glitter on my face, it’ll ruin the look!” Ben said, pushing away Lola’s hand.

“Stop being so ridiculous! It’s Pride!” Lola responded, trying to grab his arm to stop him getting up from the sofa. “Either I do it properly for you or Lexi will be down here in a minute covering you in head to toe. To be fair, that would be an improvement.”

“I ain’t being funny mate, but I see more colour at work and I’m staring at corpses most the day,” Jay replied, sneering towards Ben’s outfit of black jeans and a dark red shirt. “You worried the local gangsters are gonna chuck you out their apprentice program if you throw a bit of pastel into your wardrobe choices?”

“Besides, you’ll end up with glitter all over your face by the end of the night anyway, won’t you?” Lola said, keeping hold of Ben’s arm as she rummaged around in her make up bag. “I’ve already put Callum’s on. You planning on not snogging him today?”

“Fair point, but it won’t be my face that most of his glitter gets rubbed off on,” Ben replied with a wink, as Lola screwed up her nose. “Fine! I give in. Do your worst!”

As Lola started her work, he heard steps coming down the stairs. Callum and Lexi appeared hand in hand. His daughter was dressed in a huge rainbow tutu which she practically hadn’t take off since she got it the previous week. She ran towards him throwing herself into his arms. “Is it time to go yet?” she asked, perching on his lap. “I’ve been ready for hours.”

“That’s because you was up at four, weren’t it?” Lola replied to her daughter with her eyebrows raised.

“She’s just excited, Lo. Aren’t you princess?” Ben said comfortingly, pulling his daughter closer.

“Yeah, alright for you. I was the one that was woken up!” Lola replied, moving Ben’s chin with her hand so she could apply some more glitter. “When we go to Hastings in a few weeks she can spend the night before with you! There, all done. What do you all think?”

“You look shiny, Daddy,” Lexi said, giving him a kiss on the cheek. “Can I put some more glitter on you too?”

“Why don’t you put some more on Uncle Jay instead?” Ben said, lifting his daughter down from his lap and approaching his boyfriend. “At least his face will sparkle, even if his personality don’t.”

“Yeah, very funny!” Jay replied with a wry smile. “I think Lola’s done a great job. You happy now, Lex?”

The little girl nodded vigorously, and Ben couldn’t help but feel warmth at the sight of his family, the one they’d made. Lexi had been so excited about going to the parade and insisted they all paint their faces. He approached Callum, looking up and grinning at him. His glitter was already a little smudged. He looked perfect. “I can’t believe you agreed to work today!” he said, resting his hands on Callum’s hips.

“I ain’t working!” Callum insisted, bending down to give Ben a kiss to placate him. “We’re all going to the parade together, aren’t we? I just said I’d help your mum out at the Prince Albert later if it gets busy. We were gonna be there anyway, weren’t we?”

Ben pouted up at Callum and pulled his hips closer. “Yeah, but that was to get drunk and kiss and dance together. Not have you shaking up cosmos all night.”

“It probably won’t be for long,” Callum assured him, his fingers playing with the short hair at the back of Ben’s neck. “They’ve got a lot of staff on, it’ll just be for an hour or two when it gets rammed. Then I’ll be all yours.”

“I though you was mine already?” Ben replied in mock horror. “Alright, but if I choose to sit at the bar and throw little umbrellas at you, it’s on your own head.”

“Right, we all ready then?” Jay asked, taking Lexi’s hand as she jumped up and down excitedly. “Let’s get our little show on the road.”

Ben linked his own fingers with Callum as they followed them out. He couldn’t help but smile up at him. He was shining. He wasn’t sure he’d ever seen something so beautiful. What a difference a year made.

“It’ll only be half an hour more, I swear,” Callum said, putting another bottle in front of Ben. “Tina thinks it’s dying down a bit now and Mikey’s coming back from his break soon.”

Ben gave a sigh, took a swig from his bottle. Callum gave him a smile, leant over the bar to kiss his forehead and cupped his cheek. “Thirty minutes. Promise.”

Looking around, Ben just tried to enjoy the atmosphere. Lola and Jay had taken Lexi home a few hours earlier. She was shattered, her eyes fluttering closed on the way back home. Their plan, at Callum’s suggestion with another attempt at matchmaking, was to put her to bed, leave her under Ian’s watch and for the pair to head towards the Vic for a drink.

“I don’t know about you, but I’m getting a sense of de ja vu,” a voice behind him stated, just loud enough to hear over the music.

Ben swung around and gave a little smile of amusement. “Well, my evening last year ended with a pounding from a Highway,” he commented, motioning to the seat next to him. “How bout you?”

“No such luck,” Whitney slurred a little, as she clambered onto the seat. “He helped me into bed, and then went to play on the computer. I was more than a bit tipsy though.”

“Yeah, it was obviously the drink that stopped him,” Ben commented wryly, clinking his bottle with Whitney’s glass. “What brings you over to me anyway?”

“Dunno. Just saw you sitting here alone,” she confessed, looking down into her glass “I know how that feels.”

“You’ll find someone, Whit,” Ben conceded, glancing towards his drinking companion. “The thing with Callum. It weren’t about you, right?”

“I know. That don’t make it hurt any less,” she replied, knocking back her drink. “What’s up with you anyway? Sitting here looking like the weight of the world is on your shoulders.”

“I’m separated from my fella, ain’t I?” Ben stated, pointing towards Callum who was trying to chuck a drinks shaker behind his back and catch it, much to the delight of the customers the other side of the bar. “Much as I like watching the Tom Cruise moves, I’d prefer it if he were over here with me.”

“Oh please, he’s only over there! You are such an attention slut!” Whitney laughed, draining her glass. “Get him to run about after you, do you?”

Ben chuckled to himself. She didn’t know how wrong she was. “It ain’t like that, Whit,” he assured her. “I’d do anything for him.”

She squinted towards him as if checking for his sincerity. Satisfied, she nodded, signalling one of the bartenders over for another drink. “Good. I’m gonna hold you to that! Don’t mean I’ve forgiven you though.”

With that he couldn’t blame her. It wasn’t so simple as him stealing something that was hers. Callum was his own person, with his own decisions. He didn’t belong to either of them, they were just lucky enough to be in his orbit. Ben’s guilt came from doing it all behind Whitney’s back and acting like they weren’t.

There were times though, during those months that he and Callum were carrying on, while Whitney was in Milton Keynes, that he felt the jealousy that maybe she felt now. They could pretend that it was just the two of them and they were in a relationship, but there was no mistaking the reality when they were at the flat. There were photos of the happy couple everywhere, Whitney’s sewing littering the home, her toiletries in the bathroom and the scent of her perfume on every couch cushion.

Most of the time he could ignore it. Most of the time he could pretend that it was just a space, that he and Callum were together, and that dominated, and everything else seemed to just blur into the background. There were times though, he could feel the jealousy seep in.

One such evening, he’d come around as usual, and after a few drinks out of a bottle of whiskey that Callum had received from a grateful client, they had ordered a take away. As Callum was dishing it up onto the plates, Ben found himself leaning on the doorway to the bedroom, staring at the double bed. It was like the realisation had suddenly hit him. That wasn’t his bed. It was one that Callum shared with Whitney, their marriage bed. It was their memories and theirs together.

“Did you only get one lot of spring rolls again?” Callum called out from the kitchen. “I tell you to get two lots every time. You always have a bit of chow mein and then start on my spring rolls, then back to the chow mein which means I only get left with one by the time I get round to eating them.”

“Do you ever think about me?” Ben asked, ignoring his boyfriend’s chattering about dinner. “When you’re with her?”

“What?” Callum asked, licking his fingers and putting the container down. He walked up to where Ben was standing. “What you on about?”

Ben nodded into the room to direct Callum’s attention. “When you was rolling in the closeted hay with Whit, did you think about me?” he asked again, as Callum leaned against the doorframe opposite him.

Callum smiled at him. “Of course, you know I’ve got feelings for you,” he replied, softly running his finger down Ben’s cheek.

“I’m not talking about when you were sitting having a pint in the Vic, or on a slow day at the parlour,” Ben said, pulling Callum’s hand down from his face. He didn’t know why it all bothered him suddenly. This pulse of jealousy just waved through him like a tidal wave engulfing all his feelings. “When you was in bed together. Did you think of me?”

Callum’s face dropped and it was like he just crumbled into himself. Ben felt the guilt wash over him in an instant, knowing how flimsy the line was with Callum. How wafer thin this line they had created between reality and their own happily little deluded world. He didn’t know why he felt so possessive all of a sudden, or why he needed to hear an answer out loud that he already knew.

Without warning, Callum was roughly pulling Ben by the hand and shoving him down on the bed, lowering himself over him, pushing their bodies together and kissing him with such intensity. He continued to cover every inch of Ben’s body with his mouth once their clothes were removed. The sensation was overwhelming, especially with the whiskey still coursing through his body. Callum had never been so vocal, whispering in his ear about how it was only Ben who could make him feel like this and it was only ever him he thought about.

What about before me?” Ben had asked, once they were laying still, Callum’s head resting on his chest.

“I don’t remember my life before you,” Callum had answered. There was a truth in his words that Ben understood. This seemed like a new chapter for both of them.

“Sentimental prick!” Ben replied, tugging at Callum’s hair before returning to stroke his fingers through it. “Seriously though, did you just lie back and think of Britain? Serving Queen and country and all that.”

“Whitney was the only person I’d ever slept with,” Callum admitted, and though there was a little surprise there, the confession made sense to Ben. “I’d never been able to before her. I just panicked and ran! She was sweet and kind though, but she didn’t…I couldn’t…I had to focus on something else, you know? I never meant to hurt her.”

“I know. It’s not your fault,” Ben said, pressing his lips into Callum’s hair. “The food’s gonna be stone cold by now.”

“It’ll heat up in the microwave,” Callum assured him, rubbing his arm comfortingly. “I’ll even let you have my spring rolls.”

The shrieks of the crowd in The Prince Albert brought him back out of his thoughts. “It weren’t your fault, Whitney,” Ben stated, raising his voice a little to be heard over the bass of the song. “It weren’t Callum’s either.”

She nodded back. “Well, I don’t think it was yours, either,” she conceded, though Ben suspected that could have been her third margarita talking. “Don’t get me wrong, I think you’re an absolute bastard, but it weren’t all you.”

Ben gave her a final nod, before she slid off her chair to go and chat to the people she came with. Giving his watch another glance, he downed the rest of the bottle, before getting off his own seat to head to the gents. There was a part of him that just wanted to grab Callum from behind the bar and take him home. He knew that his boyfriend was doing this for his mum though, as much as he selfishly just wanted him to himself tonight.

Drying his hands, the door swung open with a wallop as a man stumbled in and glanced around like he wasn’t sure whether he meant to come into the toilets. “Mate,” he slurred out, addressing Ben. “You don’t know where I can find me a cab…kebab?”

Ben wasn’t quite sure which he meant, so he took a stab at guessing. “There’s a chicken shop open till late just down the road if you’re peckish.”

The man looked like all his Christmases had come at once. “Mate, you don’t know how much I love you,” he replied, staggering over to Ben and enveloping him in a hug. “I’ll leave you one behind the counter, right? Cause we’re friends now yeah?”

Ben clapped the other man on the back in the hopes of removing him, as he heard the bathroom door swing open once more. The drunken reveller finally removed his arms, placing his hands on either side of Ben’s head. “You are amazing,” the man stated, though his eyes seemed to be pointed towards the mirror on the wall. He staggered back right into Callum, who was standing behind him.

Ben watched as the man stumbled out the door, and he shook his head in amusement. “Who was that?” Callum asked, pointing behind him.

“Not a clue, but I think he’d had a few too many of Tina’s cocktails,” Ben replied, before turning his attention back to his boyfriend. “You mine now?”

“I’ve always been yours,” Callum smiled back, holding out his hand for Ben.

A couple of hours later, they were walking back home, both a little tipsy. Ben kept on singing a song they’d heard at some point in the evening, at the top of his lungs, with Callum shushing him but then laughing along and joining in on the chorus.

They finally reached the flat and before Ben could get his keys out, he felt Callum turn him around before he lowered his head and started to bring their lips together. He placed both his hands on the side of Ben’s head to keep him in place as he relentlessly started to kiss him.

Ben reached for Callum, not wasting time with soft movements, and roughly started palming him through his trousers with one hand while the other was on the back of his head pulling him back down for a kiss that was messy, lips smashing together and breath escaping in audible gasps.

“We’re not doing it here!” Callum exclaimed with a giggle, though he wasn’t showing any signs of stopping as he lowered his head down to nip and suck along Ben’s collar bone. Both their breathing was ragged and hands seemed to be everywhere.

“I don’t see why not, you know you want to,” Ben replied. “Plus it’ll give Ruby a bit of a show if she twitches her curtains.”

They continued kissing heavily, and Callum turned them around and backed Ben into the wall with a jolt. He relished in the slight sting mixed with the coldness of the concrete that sored through the clamminess of his heated skin. Suddenly, Callum leaned back and started laughing.

“What?” Ben asked, not helping but to chuckle along as well to the infectious sound.

Callum moved his hand up to Bens face, swiped a finger along his cheek and then held it infront of his face. “Shiny, much?” he said, wiping his hand on Ben’s shirt. “Shower?”

Ben leant up to peck him on the lips. “Now that sounds like a good plan,” Ben confirmed as Callum put his key in the lock. “Now do you want me to leave the front door open so people can wander in and catch us? Would that help you along?”

“Oh shut up!” Callum replied, circling his arms around Ben’s neck from behind and leaning in to place kisses on the side of his face. They started to head along the hallway, giggling as Callum refused to let go of his embrace.

“Where’s the dog?” Ben asked looking around. He hadn’t seen Jet and usually she was up at the door whenever it opened.

Callum started to look around. “I don’t know,” he replied, loosening his grip. “Did you lock her in the bedroom before you left? “

“No,” Ben replied curiously, his mind rolling through different scenarios. “The whole square would have heard her by now if we locked her in. You know how anxious she gets when she can’t move around.”

Ben started to quickly move around their home, checking every room, just in case she had sneaked into somewhere and fallen asleep. Once he was certain that she wasn’t anywhere in the flat, he went to find Callum who was on his phone. “I’m just going to check with Lola,” he said, the receiver to his ear. “Maybe she came to pick Jet up with Lexi.” 

Ben continued to look around, though he had a sinking feeling in his stomach. He checked in anywhere he could think of, no matter how ridiculous. He tried in cupboards and in laundry baskets, but the dog was nowhere to be found. Wherever she was, she wasn’t in the flat.

Callum entered the bedroom just as Ben was looking underneath the bed for the fourth time. “Any luck?“ he asked, though by the look on his boyfriend’s face he knew his enquiries had been fruitless.

“Nah,” Callum replied, looking down at what he was holding in his hand. “Lola was still in the pub with Jay. She said Lexi’s sound asleep at home and they ain’t seen Jet since they were round here the other day. She’s gonna round up a few people to go and look for her though.”

“That’s good, yeah?” Ben said, nodding to himself to try and offer reassurance. He wasn’t sure whose benefit it was for, but his stomach certainly didn’t believe him. “She’s probably wandered out the door and gone and snuggled up in the Slater’s garden or something. Give Mo a right fright when she takes the bins out! What? What is it?”

Ben noticed that Callum was holding Jet’s collar in his hand. “Did you take her collar off?” his boyfriend asked, running it through his fingers. “Only it was left on the key counter by the door.”

“No,” Ben responded, shaking his head. “I only take it off her when she has a bath, and she hasn’t had one all week. Maybe Lexi did it when she was round the other day. She’s always trying to dress her up, ain’t she? She was probably trying to put one of your ties on her or something. What Callum? Why do you keep looking at it like that?”

“It’s her collar, it’s definitely the one we bought her,” Callum started, looking at the item with confusion. “But it ain’t got her name plate on it that we got engraved. Look.”

Ben grabbed the collar when his boyfriend passed it over, and he studied the name plate. It read _‘Favour’_. Ben turned it over, squinting to read the other bit of writing there. _‘Give Me A Ring’._

Ben felt his whole body grow cold at the realisation. He dropped the collar from his hands, and started sprinting through the flat until he got to the front door. Callum’s voice was calling out, he could hear it, but it was in the distance, like he was miles away.

Not even bothering with his coat, he bolted out the door, taking the steps three at a time until he got onto the street. It was dark, but still early enough for the lampposts to be shimmering around the Square. He looked around him; a few people were out, making their way home for the evening after Pride, but no one he recognised.

Starting to run, he moved up the street and began to call out Jet’s name. He had a feeling it was fruitless, but he had to try. He could hear his breath in his ears, and the pounding of his feet on the pavement matching the speed of his racing heart. “Jet!” he called out loudly, not caring if it woke the whole Square up.

“Ben!” he heard a voice behind him call. He stopped and looked around, surprised to see him there, especially after their last interaction. There was something about the look on the man’s face that led him to jog up further to see what he wanted.

“What Stuart?” he asked insistently, not wanting to waste any time.

“It weren’t me! I swear,” Stuart replied apprehensively, starting to walk backwards a little. “I just found her like that. I was coming round to get you!”

Stuart stopped and pointed down the road. It was a dimly lit part of the neighbourhood, so Ben had to squint slightly to see what the man was gesturing towards. In the middle of the road, he could see something dark. Something still.

Ben moved his legs quickly, sprinting towards the figure slumped in the road. It was like they were made of jelly suddenly and he couldn’t quite find his footing to move fast enough, feeling like he was trying to move through sand.

Finally, he got nearer and felt his throat close up at the sight. He skidded on his knees the last few feet until he reached her, the sting and burn not even registering as he heard the material of his jeans tear. Jet’s eyes were barely open, and just a soft whimper escaped her mouth which Ben realised was her struggling to capture a couple of breaths. He ran a hand down her ear in comfort, moving his head lower to whisper words of quiet affection.

Her eyes closed. The sound stopped. She was still.


	7. Two Hopes

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm sorry about Jet and I continue to be sorry!

It must have been only a minute or two, but Ben felt like he was sitting on that street for hours, his forehead pressed against Jet’s, her stillness becoming deafening to him. It didn’t seem real but it didn’t feel like she was just asleep. He didn’t understand why people said that. There was a warmth and life to the gentle breath that slumber brought. This wasn’t that. It was cold and vacant.

“Mate,” a voice said, close to his ear. Ben lifted up his head to turn slightly, catching the sight of Jay in the corner of his eye. “Come on, let’s go yeah?”

Looking back at Jet, he didn’t want to get up. Leaving would mean that it was over, the finality of what happened would be set in stone. She was gone and this was on him. There was no going back from that. If only she’d move and come back, then it would be alright. He could fix this.

“Jay,” he said, standing up and wiping his face with the back of his sleeve. “I need you to get that girl. What’s her name? Iqra’s bird!”

“What, Ash?” Jay replied slowly, looking back at Lola, whose mascara was running down her cheeks. “What you need her for?”

“She’s a doctor, ain’t she?” Ben stated insistently, waving in the direction of the Square. “She might be able to help. Can’t be that different, can it? She probably had to do more qualifications and that!”

“Ben! She’s gone!” Lola called out firmly, but he couldn’t hear that. He wouldn’t believe it. There had to be hope. “You can see she’s gone.”

“I have to try, Lo!” he shouted back, as she turned away shaking her head, the tears still falling. “Would you just go, Jay? Please.”

Jay looked down at Jet then, and back up at Ben. He clearly thought it was a fool’s errand, but he nodded his head. “I’ll go see if she’s in,” he said quietly. “Why don’t you take her back to yours? Ain’t right that she’s left in the middle of the street.”

Ben nodded as Jay set off, jogging down the road. He turned back towards Jet, her body still at rest. Walking towards her, he kneeled back down and softly rubbed the fur on her belly in the hopes that it would stir her. She was always jumping up on the sofa when he and Callum were snuggled up together. She would lie across their legs, not caring that her paws were jamming into their stomachs, and roll onto her back. Looking up at them expectantly, she wouldn’t move an inch until one of them started to scratch her tummy.

Ben wasn’t sure how he was going to get Jet home. At the moment, he didn’t think he could support the weight of his own body to make the journey back to his flat.

“Do you want me to carry her?”

Looking around, Ben saw Stuart still lingering behind him, staring at the ground. There was a small hint of a thought that crossed his mind. Perhaps he did this to Jet. Maybe it wasn’t Ben’s fault at all and it was just his imagination running away with him. It couldn’t be just a coincidence that it was Stuart out of all people who was standing over her. The rest of the road had been deserted.

Ben went to open his mouth, to shout out an accusation. He knew he was just looking for someone to blame; someone to scream at and pass all this guilt onto. Being on the other end of Stuart’s attacks, he knew what the man was like and how spiteful and vindictive his anger could be. However, he also knew what he looked like when doing it. He didn’t see a man full of rage in front of him. The was a docility to him. Ben knew he had nothing to do with what happened to Jet. That would have been the easy answer.

Nodding his head slightly, Ben accepted the help. Stuart crouched down and ever so gently scooped up the dog in his arms. Jet’s head drooped slightly before he made sure it was safely tucked into the crook of his elbow.

Stuart started to slowly make his way up the road, but Ben couldn’t seem to move. He could feel tiny bits of gravel imprint into his skin where his palms were leaning on the ground. Pressing down, he felt them dig their way in even further, the sting drawing all the pain in his body to his hands.

“Ben,” Lola said gently, resting her hand on his shoulder. “Let’s go yeah?”

She held out her hand and he grabbed it gratefully, helping to steady his legs as he got up. Once he was upright, he didn’t let get go of Lola’s grip, ambling hand in hand with her as they followed behind Stuart. The journey seemed to take forever, like time stood still and they were just walking through worlds.

When they approached the flat, the door was still wide open, as he must have left it. Callum. Ben’s feet automatically halted, as if his brain was warning his body of what was to come. What would he tell him? Lola pulled his hand gently, sensing his hesitancy for going back into his home. It would make everything real once Callum had seen what happened. He was impossible to hide from.

Stuart pushed open the door the rest of the way with his foot, and it gently hit the wall behind it. The noise alerted Callum, and he poked his head around the corner, phone in his hand. He had probably been ringing around everyone he could think of in the Square, wondering if they’d seen their dog and waiting at the flat hoping she would come back.

“Stuart?” he said, narrowing his eyes. Ben could tell the exact moment he spotted Jet and realised what had happened to her. His mouth dropped open, but no words came out. He shook his head slightly, before his eyes found Ben’s. Questioning and demanding.

“Where shall I put her down?” Stuart asked, in the quietest voice Ben had ever heard him use.

Lola dropped Ben’s hand and beckoned towards the lounge. “Her bed’s just over there,” she said, pointing to the corner, where Jet’s large cosy pillow lay. Stuart walked over and placed her on it carefully, moving her paws so she was curled up peacefully.

Ben realised that neither he nor Callum had moved since they had arrived back at the flat. He didn’t know what to say.

Callum seemed to finally break out of his shock. “What happened?” he whispered, his voice barely coming out in more of a crackle. Ben bit at his lip, and opened his mouth to speak until he realised that the words just weren’t to be found on his tongue. Callum shook his head expectantly, angry confusion furrowing at his eyebrows.

The front door swung back open then, and Ben was thankful for the interruption. He roughly swiped his nose on the back of his sleeve as he turned around at the intrusion. Jay came into the flat, giving a nod in their direction, holding the door open for the person who followed. Ash entered slowly, her eyes looking around the hall as if waiting for a trap to fall on her.

“Jay said someone was hurt,” she stated, looking both Ben and Callum up and down as if expecting to see some bloody wound that needed attention. She gripped on to her bag and stepped further into the flat.

“Yeah, yeah. In here,” Ben said, his adrenaline kicking in again. He guided Ash by the elbow into the lounge, where Stuart was still sitting on the sofa with his head resting on his hands. Without daring to look yet, Ben pointed down to the bed in the corner of the room. “She’s down there.”

Ash looked at the animal and then back up at Ben questioningly. “It’s a dog. I’m a doctor, not a vet. You know that, right? I was in the middle of a date before Jay burst in. I’m leaving.”

“Please,” Ben said, grabbing her arm to stop her, before quickly removing his hand when she glared at him. He lowered his voice to a whisper. “Please. Our vet is all the way across town, and it’s a Saturday night so they’ll be closed and there is no one else! No one!”

Nodding slightly, she gave Ben a sad smile, before kneeling on the floor with her bag. Ben still didn’t look. He didn’t want to. He knew what he’d see and what that meant. While he was turned the other way, there was still hope. Perhaps that was his downfall all along though. Turning the other way, avoiding the consequences, avoiding looking down the dark path to see the monsters at the end.

“I’m sorry,” Ash’s voice rang out, with a quiet firmness. “She’s gone.”

Now he looked. Ben turned to face what he had done. Jet looked so small, curled up on her bed, just like she had been on any other evening. He could almost kid himself that it was one of those times. He knelt down next to Ash and stroked his dog’s head. But there wasn’t the same snuffle of her nose, or the kicking out of her paw that usually happened. He reached over to the side and grabbed the soft cloth rabbit that she always chewed at, and tucked it under her chin.

There was a choked sob behind him, and he knew Callum was still standing in the same spot in the hallway. It had been hard enough for Ben to look at Jet; he couldn’t look back at Callum.

“I’ll give you a number of a friend of mine,” Ash said, pulling out her phone and scrolling through her contacts. “She’s a receptionist at a vets that’re open tomorrow. Give them a call in the morning and they’ll help you with what to do.”

She scribbled a number down on the back of a piece of paper that she pulled out her bag, and placed it into Ben’s hand. She gently got up, gave him a comforting pat on the arm, and walked towards the door. Ben just stayed where he was, softly brushing Jet’s fur with the back of his hand.

“I’m sorry I couldn’t do anymore,” he heard Ash say to Callum. “If you ever need anything, just let me know, okay?”

In the back of his mind, Ben heard the door slam shut. He still felt rooted to the spot. He wasn’t really sure how long he sat there for; it felt like both seconds and hours, but the truth was probably somewhere in between. When he got up, his legs felt a little steadier, but his heart dropped when he turned around and saw Callum sitting on the sofa, his eyes distant and face vacant.

There was no sign of Stuart, Lola and Jay. Ben wasn’t sure if they had left at the same time as Ash, or afterwards. The voices in his head just seemed to drown everything else out sometimes. They created a poisonous fog that just left him unable to see the light.

“What happened?” Callum asked suddenly. There was an undertone to the question, the same one he had asked earlier. Ben could tell by the mood of his boyfriend’s voice, that he expected answers.

“She was out on the road,” Ben responded. He didn’t want to lie, but now wasn’t the time to say anything else. “Stuart found her.”

“Yeah, I know that. Jay and Lola got him to help them look for her. I wanna know why she was out there in the first place,” Callum asked him, but he could only stare across at Jet. He reached over the back of the sofa and grabbed a throw, before gently placing it over the dog’s body, tucking it around her. “Ben!”

“Not now, Callum,” he replied forcefully, sitting back down on the couch and rubbing his face with his hands. There was a sparkle that caught the light when he looked down; the glitter of the evening was still staining his face. It felt ridiculous now, to have been all painted up, bright and proud. That wasn’t him. He had nothing to be proud about. He needed to get it off him. “Just leave it, yeah?”

Ben made his way off the sofa and headed to the bathroom, turning on the taps at the sink. The whoosh of the water seemed to fill the space with sound after the shrieking silence of the flat since he got home. He scooped some water up, splashing it on to his face, the droplets stinging his skin with their coolness. It dragged him back to the world a little; not something he wanted right now.

“What happened to her collar?” Callum asked, continuing to ask him questions after following him into the bathroom. “That weren’t her’s. Do you know?”

Ben lifted his head up from the sink to look at Callum through the mirror. The reflection didn’t quite look like him, there were differences, like an alternate world version. Perhaps that’s what made it easier to reply with an untruth. “No, I don’t.”

Callum’s reflection squinted at him. “Was it something to do with you? All these phone calls, the long days at work, the-“

“I don’t know, Callum,” he said harshly. “I ain’t exactly the most popular person in the world. I’ve got people queuing up to take a shot, so yeah. It’s probably my fault she’s dead!”

It was a half truth and he knew it. There wasn’t really any doubt in Ben’s mind what had happened, as much as he wished he could go back and change it. It had been too much already tonight; he couldn’t confess to Callum. The look of hurt in his eyes was enough. It was like all these plates he’d been spinning, rushing around making sure they carried on turning and he thought he’d been doing ok. But out of the corner of his eye, he noticed one had slowed down and he wasn’t able to reach it in time. It had smashed. He couldn’t risk losing another one tonight.

There was a brush against his shoulder, and he looked up at the mirror again to see Callum had rested his forehead on him. Ben lifted his hand to stroke softly at Callum’s hair. It was comforting and sparked a little life back into him. He wasn’t about to risk this feeling. It was the only good one he had.

Callum took Ben by the arm and gently pushed him to sit on the side of the bathtub. He let himself be manoeuvred about, not having any fight or feeling left tonight to reject or even respond. Running a cloth under the tap, Callum gently lifted Ben’s chin with his finger and started to wipe his face. Ben could feel his eyes sting, not from the water, but just the thought that he had someone he didn’t deserve.

“We should go to bed,” Callum said, as he used the cloth to wipe the glitter from his own face. “We’ll deal with everything tomorrow, yeah? It’s been enough for today.”

Ben didn’t remember his eyes closing or falling asleep. Even now, they still tried to flutter closed, his body aching for just a little more time for rest. There was a slight pain to his back where the join of the couch cushion had been pressing up into his spine. The location startled him for a minute, and his brain was scrolling through the list of reasons that he was sleeping here in the first place. It didn’t have to work for too long though, as his eyes captured the motive and caught his mind up. His stomach dropped.

Once his eyes had caught on Jet’s bed, they couldn’t shift away from the sight. When they had finished in the bathroom, he’d tried to take Callum’s hand and lead him into the bedroom. However, his boyfriend was insistent that they sleep in the lounge, not wanting to leave Jet alone. Ben looked at the stillness of the blanket covering the cushion in the corner of the room. A chill caught his body and his skin started to prickle all over. The room wasn’t quiet though, and there was a sound of gasping that caught his ear.

Sitting up suddenly, Ben realised that he was alone on the sofa. He hadn’t fallen asleep like that. The last thing he remembered was Callum’s fingers gently combing through the strands of his hair behind his ears, the sensation helping a little to sooth his mind. The room was almost in darkness, apart from the small lamp placed on the dimmest setting on the sideboard. He looked around until his eyes focused on the source of the noise.

Callum was knelt by the lounge window, his head half out of it, gripping onto the frame with pale white knuckles. His hair was out of place over his forehead, blowing gently with the small breeze of the summer’s night. He was breathing heavily but slowly, like the air was trying to punch its way into his lungs.

“Baby?” Ben called out as he hurriedly scrabbled the blanket off himself. He paced around to the window, kneeling down next to his boyfriend. Now he was nearer, Ben could see how pale Callum’s face was, and the beads of sweat clinging on to his forehead. His chest was moving up and down harshly every few seconds. “Hey, c’mon. It’s okay. You’re going to be okay.”

Ben clutched at Callum’s arm, rubbing up and down, feeling a small but constant tremble there. He didn’t know what to do. The dreams were becoming frequent now, and they were taking longer for Callum to come out of them when he woke up. They’d never been this bad though. “Babe, let’s go sit on the couch, yeah? I’ll get you some water.”

There was still no movement from Callum, he just continued to try and catch his breath like it didn’t want to stay in his lungs. There were wet tears falling down his cheeks and landing on the tightened fingers that still gripped the frame. Ben didn’t want to force him to move, he simply started to rub at his back and softly cooed words into his ear, hoping that he heard them.

Eventually, Callum’s breath started to quieten, as the air began to ease itself into his body without restriction. His fingers slightly loosened their grip and he brought his head back a little from the window. He fell to his knees and rested the side of his head on his arm. He looked exhausted, as if he’d run for miles and miles.

“Hey,” Ben said in a quiet voice. He tentatively reached forward and brushed at the wetness of Callum’s cheek, something on his boyfriend’s face catching his eye. He swiped at it with his finger, glitter being transferred over to his hand. He held it up for both of them to look at. “See? Only you could cry glitter.”

Callum gave a soft exhale of a laugh, that automatically made Ben feel a little better. He stood up, gripping the larger man’s hand in the hopes of pulling him up with him. It took some effort, but eventually Callum was on two feet, which Ben took as a win. He led them slowly into the bedroom.

Callum tried to protest once they got through the door. “Jet,” he said gesturing with his head back towards the lounge. “She’ll be alone.”

“We’re just in here, yeah?” Ben said. There was something so sad about the comment for both of them. Callum worked at a funeral parlour and Ben wasn’t exactly a stranger to loss. Perhaps it was because of those reasons, that they couldn’t let go. They needed these little rituals to cling to, and hold on to. Otherwise what else was there to hope for?

Nodding reluctantly, Callum let himself be led into bed. Ben snuggled close, gripping his boyfriend tight and rubbing his hands over his body not wanting to lose any contact. Callum was still though, only resting his forehead against Ben, his warm breath floating to slightly flutter Ben’s eyelashes.

Ben felt helpless. It seemed everything he touched smashed to pieces. What would be next?

The orange ombre of the sunset was still visible over the rooftops providing a dim light to the streets. It was late though, the absence of the night sky betraying the hour. Ben had told Callum he was popping out to pick up a takeaway, and glancing at his watch, he knew that he should head back if no one turned up for the meeting soon.

It had seemed quiet the last week since Jet died. The morning after, they had called the vet’s surgery that Ash had recommend to them. They came and got Jet, and talked about what they would like to happen next. He let Callum take the conversation over, and Ben just nodded along, feeling himself just clinging on for the ride than being able to contribute anything.

It had been a heart condition, the vet had said, nothing that they could have known about and could have struck at any time. It didn’t make Ben feel any better. He knew the truth; it couldn’t have been just a coincidence that it happened when it did, when she’d been taken from her home and left in the middle of the cold, dark road.

Callum hadn’t said anything more about the collar, which Ben was grateful for. It seemed that he believed the fact that it could have been any number of people with a vendetta against Ben, and that neither of them could know for sure.

He did though. How could he not know with the message on the dog tag? Ben felt himself seethe at the thought. Furious with himself for letting this happen; for letting something intrude on his happiness and his family, bursting its way into his life and bringing darkness with it.

There was a familiar set of footsteps, languishing their way up the alley. Ben took a breath and counted to three. He had to keep his temper, but the anger just kept trying to punch itself out.

“This is a late night call,” the voice said. “What did you tell the boyfriend? Had to go see a man about a dog?”

He snapped, he knew he shouldn’t but he couldn’t believe the hypocrisy of the man standing there taunting him; it was too much. Ben hurled his body off the wall and hurtled towards Buzz Cut, managing to knock his balance and force him into the bricks. “It’s over! Tell your boss, and make it quite clear. It’s done! You went too far and I ain’t having that.”

Buzz Cut seemed to still, just a consistent smirk on his face, despite the fact that Ben had blindsided him for a moment. He didn’t seem to be threatened though, a twinkle in his eyes just seemed to find everything amusing. Like he knew some big secret he was itching to let slip. “Not your decision, boy,” he replied, pushing Ben off him. “Not mine either. And you still need to pay.”

“What, killing animals ain’t enough of a kick for you?” Ben replied, stepping back a little, straightening out his clothing. “You didn’t take enough?”

Shaking his head dismissively, Buzz Cut rolled his eyes “I let your mutt out and left you a message as promised,” he replied. “Little runts have a tendency to break easy. That ain’t my fault. The Boss still wants his return for what you took.”

“The ring, again? I told you I didn’t take it! You know I didn’t!” Ben started to shout, lowering his voice back down as they heard footsteps walk past the alley. “I’ve repaid the debt, yeah? I ain’t paying someone else’s’. Go find whoever did take his piece of tat jewellery and go after them, yeah?”

“You sure about that?” Buzz Cut asked, the smirk growing on his face. “The Boss was trying to do you a favour, but if you don’t want his help, I’ll let him know.”

“Like I said, I’m done.” Ben replied, finally starting to feel that maybe he could shake this whole thing off once and for all. “I’m not going to pay for anyone else’s mistakes any longer. Go take it out on someone else. Now, as much as I’m sure our little clandestine meetings are a turn on for you, I think you need to get your kicks elsewhere. I don’t expect to hear from you again.”

Trying to keep his face determined, Ben turned around and started to walk away keeping his head high, so it didn’t betray the conviction he tried to speak with. He’d only taken a few steps before he heard Buzz Cut say his name. Turning around, he couldn’t even respond before he felt a sharpness across his lip and his balance failing him as he hit the ground.

“Sorry, about that,” Buzz Cut said, straightening his jacket out, as he stepped over Ben on the ground. “Can’t let you get away with thinking you can put your hands on me. Usually, if anyone did that then they’d be leaving in a body bag but we’ll call it even for the dog.”

As he walked away into the darkness, Ben put his hand up to his lip and glanced down to see blood speckled on his fingers. How was he going to explain this to Callum?

Ben tried to shut the door as quietly as possibly, hanging the takeaway bag off his wrist, to click the lock shut. If he could get to the bathroom quickly, then he could maybe wipe most of the blood off his face and just leave a small cut he could talk his way out of. Unfortunately, Callum seemed to sense he was there.

“Alright?” he called from the lounge, and Ben knew he couldn’t get away with disappearing without going to put the food down. “Right, this guy went for 50 grand, but didn’t even answer more than two questions correct in the first round. Why would you bother risking it?”

“It’s called The Chase, babe,” Ben replied, going to put the food on the counter, turning his back to Callum who was watching tv on the sofa. “Ain’t gonna be much of a show if they get through after two minutes, is it?”

“Did you get prawn crackers?” Callum asked, getting off the sofa and coming to stand behind Ben as he was removing the containers from the bag. He slipped his hands around Ben’s waist and rested his chin on his boyfriend’s shoulder.

“They give them free, don’t they?” Ben replied, screwing the bag up and placing it to the side, tilting his head to the side as Callum started to kiss his neck.

“Yeah, but there’s never enough in the bag, is there?” he complained into Ben’s shoulder.

“God, you’re so demanding,” Ben replied with a chuckle. He picked up a bag and waved it in front of his face. “There you are, your highness. Don’t say I don’t get you nothing.”

Callum squeezed his hips tight, before turning Ben around. He was just about to lean down and kiss him, before he stopped, confusion covering his face. There was clearly no disguising that Ben was hurt.

“What happened?” he asked, taking Ben’s hand and bringing him into the light. “There’s blood all over your cheek.”

“Mouthed off to some drunk, didn’t I?” he lied, gently removing Callum’s hand where it was prodding at his lip. “The guy was stumbling about, but still managed to catch me. Must be losing my touch.”

Callum frowned at him, nodding slowly, but the confirmation not quite meeting his eyes. He took Ben’s hand and led him to the bathroom, lowering the lid to the toilet seat down and motioning for his boyfriend to sit. “What were you mouthing off about?” Callum, asked opening the medicine cabinet and taking a few things out. He came and perched on the side of the bath, and looked at Ben expectantly as he started to tear open a disinfectant wipe.

“You know me, can’t open my mouth without pissing someone off,” Ben said with a wince, as the sting of the cloth Callum was using to wipe his lip rubbed onto his cut.

Leaning back slightly, Callum narrowed his eyes. “So what did you do to annoy this guy?” he enquired, and Ben could tell the speck of suspicion on his voice. Callum could be like a dog with a bone; he just wouldn’t let go of something or take a hint that someone wanted to drop the subject.

“Does it matter?” Ben replied, letting a hint of annoyance creep through in his voice.

“Yeah, actually it does,” Callum replied, his tone turning firmer. “Because you went out for a Chinese and come back with a busted lip. Because you ran out the flat and then come back with our dog dead. Because you disappear and I don’t always know where. You can’t not talk to me and pretend it’s nothing.”

“Oh and you talk to me, do you?” Ben replied, getting up and walking to the door. “You don’t sleep, you won’t talk about what you’re having nightmares about. I thought you were gonna pass out the other week when you had that panic attack, but you just shrugged me off when I tried to speak about it!”

Ben had tried to sit Callum down the next day and talk about what happened to him the night Jet died. It worried him that Callum just seemed to be getting worse, and he wouldn’t speak to him about anything. He would just shrug it off, like there was an expectation to be strong. That he wasn’t allowed to show his hurt. It was all coming spiralling out though. Ben didn’t want to make it worse. He didn’t want to add to his worry or his pain.

“It’s fine Ben,” Callum replied, following him out the bathroom and back into the kitchen. He sat back down on the sofa, his shoulders deflated and his head low. “I can deal with it. I just can’t handle worrying about you all the time. Are you in trouble?”

“No,” he said empathically. He could say that now without it technically being a lie. All the other business was done with now. He wouldn’t need to tell Callum anything, although the look on his boyfriend’s face suggested that he didn’t believe him. “No! I promise you, there’s nothing going on.”

Squinting slightly at him with piercing eyes, Callum gave a little nod of his head. It didn’t make Ben feel any better though. They were both looking tired and drained, and Ben thought about how much they had been through in the past year. It was taking its toll. Every miss step, every knock, every mistake had beaten into them.

Ben just wished he could go back; he spent his life wishing that, wanting to go back to the start, erase all the mistakes and stupid decisions. He sighed, and leaned back on his chair. It was an impossible wish, and he was tired of hoping for things that were never going to happen. He was tired of going through each day, not knowing which of his mistakes was going to appear around the corner ready to drag him down.

“Right,” Ben said forcefully, standing up. Callum gave a little jump at the intrusion of the sound, and looked up with confusion. They couldn’t just sit here feeling sorry for themselves and hope things would change and get better. “Get your shoes on.”

“What?” Callum questioned, still looking at him like he thought his boyfriend’s sanity had snapped. “Where we going?”

“Callum, will you stop questioning everything?” he huffed, as he got up and got his shoes for him, grabbing the keys on the way. “Just put them on. C’mon!”

Despite hesitating for just moment, Callum put his shoes on and pulled on his jacket. Ben wiggled his fingers at him, and was pleased when a slight smirk appeared at the corner of the other man’s mouth and he grabbed his outstretched hand. “The food’s going to get cold,” he muttered, as he closed the front door behind them.

Ben gave him a little shove with his hip. “Stop moaning, we’ll heat it up when we get back,” he said as they made their way down the street. Already, Ben felt a little lighter, just walking hand in hand with the person he loved.

“We’re going to the Vic?” Callum pondered as they approached the pub. “What’s going on?”

Ben stopped him, and took his other hand, leaning his chin up to look at him. “Stop worrying for two seconds,” he said, standing on his tiptoes to peck him on the lips. “And trust me.”

Callum looked down at him with a soft smile and leaned down to kiss him, lingering for a moment before leaning back just a bit. It was times like this that Ben wished he could stop time; there was just this beautiful lightness that Callum exuded without even knowing it.

“C’mon,” he whispered, breaking the silence, and let go with one of his hands to lead Callum into the door of the Vic.

The pub was practically empty; a few of the market boys were having a quiet pint in the corner, and they nodded a greeting towards Patrick who was nursing a rum while sitting on a barstool, reading through the paper. Callum tried to make his way to sit down, but Ben didn’t let him. He just kept a strong hand on his and led him around the side of the bar.

“Sorry, Mick. I’m just gonna borrow your pub for a second,” Ben said, as he dragged Callum around behind the bar, shuffling past the landlord who was propped up on his elbow by the beer pumps. “Don’t mind us.”

“No worries, son,” Mick replied with a nod of the head, as he poured another drink for Shrimpy. “Wouldn’t be a Tuesday night without you two having a domestic moment in here. I’m thinking of putting it on the blackboard next to the Happy Hour times and Karaoke Night.”

Ben stood Callum behind the bar. “Stay there, soldier boy,” he said with a wave of his finger, as he made his way out to the other side of the bar. Callum looked at him with confusion as Ben came to stand in front of him with just the wooden bar between them. He held out his hand. “Ben Mitchell.”

He saw Callum’s tongue dart out to lick his lips, before he leaned in slightly, propping his hands on the bar. “What are you doing?” he asked in a whisper, turning his head as if he expected the answer to be around the pub somewhere.

“You’re right!” Ben exclaimed, hitting his hand on the wood, then looking around the bar. “Trace! Come her for a second, would you?”

The baffled barmaid made her way down the bar, standing next to Callum. “Ben! What’s going on?” he asked, but a slight smile was appearing on his face.

“Well, I couldn’t exactly go and drag Whit from sewing on rhinestones on to some khaki tassels to stand next to you,” Ben started, nodding towards Tracey who started to wipe some glasses where she was standing, seemingly uninterested in what was playing out in front of her. “So, I’ve got a suitable stand in. Ben Mitchell.”

As Ben held his hand out again, Callum opened his mouth to speak, still clearly not catching on to what his boyfriend was trying to do. “What are we doing?” Callum asked quietly, and Ben thought about the hidden meaning in that question, one that he pushed down and hoped he wouldn’t have to answer.

Taking Callum’s hands again, he pulled him closer so he was leaning across the bar. “We can’t change anything that’s happened, right?” Ben muttered, rubbing his thumbs over the back of his boyfriend’s hands. “We can’t change the past, but we can try to start again. Forget everything that’s happened and move on. So, let’s try again, shall we? Ben Mitchell.”

He gave a smile as he held out his hand again, waiting for just a moment. “Callum Highway,” his boyfriend returned, shaking his hand, before gripping it tightly and then leaning forward to kiss Ben across the bar.

“That never happened the first time we met,” Ben smirked, when they broke apart. “So we’re already on to a better start! Cheers, Trace. You can toddle off now.”

The barmaid gave a roll at her eyes at them, as Mick wandered up to their end of the bar. “You finished with your GCSE Drama skit, yet? You wanna work a shift, Halfway?” the landlord asked, grabbing some mixers.

“Nahh Mick, we’ve gotta get home so he can tuck into my spring roll,” Ben replied, as Callum tutted at him. There was no malice in it though as Callum brought his hand up to brush Ben’s cheek affectionately. “Plus we’re heading off to Hastings tomorrow, and we still got to pack.”

That could be a new start for them. Now the business deal that had been hanging over him for months was finally over, Ben could focus on taking care of Callum, and a trip away would do them good. They could leave everything else behind and just enjoy themselves. If there was a whisper of a warning voice in his head, then Ben just shut it down and hoped it would stay quiet.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hastings next! Oh we do like to be beside the seaside...or do we? :|
> 
> @moodyblueangel on tumblr


	8. Two Kisses

“It’s the middle of the summer, why you taking a leather jacket?”

“We’re going to Hastings, Callum, not Marrakesh!” Ben replied to his boyfriend, nudging his coat nearer to the suitcase. “It’ll probably chuck it down the entire time we’re there!”

They had spent the last hour trying to pack everything they could possibly need for a week away, into one suitcase. They had been through the process of bickering about whether to take towels (“We ain’t camping, they’ll have them there, Callum!”), getting distracted by dancing when Ben put the record player on, and sitting on the floor, giggling about Jay’s latest funeral disaster at work, whilst eating toast and jam.

“If you’re not wearing it on the way there, then you’re not packing it!” Callum said, meticulously folding the arms on a shirt, then undoing it and folding it again. “It’ll take up half the space in the case!”

“Just shove it in at the top!” Ben replied, pulling the jacket back up into his arms. “Callum, not everything in the suitcase has to be packed with military precision. An angry mob ain’t gonna chase us out of the seaside with chip forks just cause you got a wrinkle in your favourite shirt.”

Ben went to throw the leather coat in the suitcase, but Callum pre-empted his move and smacked his hand away. “If you mess it up, then I’ll have to start again which will make us late. Either that I’ll make you do it, and neither of us want that.”

Ben held his hands up in surrender. “Alright. At ease, soldier. Fuck me, you can take the boy out the army…”

“Well, someone’s got to keep you under control haven’t they?” Callum smirked, placing a wash bag into the case. “Can’t have you running riot on the streets of Walford.”

“Oh, and that’s you is it?” Ben smirked, as he wriggled his way between Callum and the bed. He snatched the shirt out of Callum’s hands and threw it on the floor, his boyfriend giving a short huff of protest. “Go on, then. Bend over and get it if it’s bothering you.”

Ben waited a moment, as he saw Callum’s eyes change. Initially they darted to the piece of clothing on the ground, but after a few seconds, they darkened and pierced into his face. There wasn’t any doubt in Ben’s mind where this was headed, but he let out a gasp as he felt his back hit the side of the case, and Callum’s lips crushing down on his, before he even realised his feet had left the ground.

He felt strong hands gripping onto his head, as the weight of Callum pressed down on his body. It was forceful, and the pressure on his torso, beating down on his chest, was smothering his breathing, the air buzzing mindlessly with the adrenaline, rejecting its normal rhythm. Callum’s kisses were demanding in their intensity, lips crashing like waves against his, retreating for just a second before the rapids built with strength. It was forceful, and stifling. It was perfect.

He felt a coolness at the side of his cheek as Callum removed one of his hands, running it all the way down his lover’s side. Ben stroked his foot on the back of Callum’s calf, urging him on. He had barely realised that his own hands had been pulling at his boyfriend’s shirt, picking carelessly at the buttons and frantically sliding up the bottom ; anything to get more access to his skin, and he scratched his nails possessively over any part he could make contact with. With every charge of contact, Callum would grind his body in further, as if trying to dispel even the tiniest bit of space between them. As if he wanted them and only them in a vacuum, nothing and no one in the world to touch them.

After the last few weeks, the loss, the fear and the struggle, it was perhaps easier to imagine it was just them in this world, and nothing else could get in. He knew how powerless Callum had felt recently, Ben could see the frustration pour out of him. Ben scrabbled his hand down between them, the harshness of the denim scraping comfortingly on his skin as he tried to pull at Callum’s belt, the heat of their bodies radiating together. The pressure of a body on his, and the distracting way that fingers were combing roughly through his hair, weren’t helping progress anything as he liked or needed. He gave Callum a quick tap on the bum, trying to get him to move enough so they could at least remove some clothing.

The slight fear that breaking apart would shake Callum out of this mood, was quickly dispelled as his boyfriend quickly clambered off him enough to underdo his own trousers, before moving his fingers back to Ben’s clothing and helping him, roughly pulling down his jeans. Before Ben could even lift himself back up Callum was back on him. The side of the suitcase was digging into his thigh, and his hand grasped on to the lid to stabilise himself. He lowered his other hand between them, feeling the brush of Callum’s as he had the same idea. He fumbled as his fingers gripped Callum’s cock. It was all hurried and ungentle, as Callum took a hold of him to, and set back to messy kisses, that were the unrhythmic clashing of tongues and lips, and their breaths escaping and stealing away the sound into voiceless moans.

There was little finesse, but that just urged Ben on further. It reminded him of that time in the park, that first time, where they were both so lost, that gripping onto each other was the only thing that seemed right in their lives. He wasn’t sure they had let go since. It had been silent that night, or had seemed it, but the noise had been deafening, the same ones that filled the flat now. The jangle of their loose belts, the harsh rub of their denim jeans and smacking of skin encompassed the flat, and Ben could feel the sparks reach the end of his toes as his head was filled with nothing else but this feeling of building ecstasy.

As pleasure waved over him, he felt his emotions flash through every muscle, everything he had been burying down; all those feelings tried to claw their way to the top in a moment of vulnerability. It was all too much, the over stimulation and sensation pounding through his body, and now he could hear gasps where his body was fighting, the pleasure it was experiencing trying to be taken down by those monsters who were always there and always searching for his weaknesses. Ben realised that the gasps had doubled now, as Callum to had reached his climax, and was struggling to come down from it; the intensity, the emotion and the demons they shared causing them to try and wriggle closer, than ever wanting to tear apart.

It could get like this between them, and Ben could never quite put his finger on why. What was it about the two of them together that could create a feeling like all his nerves were being pulled from his body and encased in ice cold water? The power of it, the sharing of it, the fact they could strip each other bare with just a few touches, aroused and scared him in equal measures. It was unexplainable and inexplicable.

They lay on the bed for a few moments. Still. Just their breathing still racing each other, the delayed reaction from their exertion, and feather touches bringing comfort and reassurance. Ben could feel his eyes heavy and his muscles weighty as his body began to return to its normal self and fall back down to earth. The pinch of the case underneath him was gradually becoming more pronounced and causing a mark into his lower back. Ben stroked Callum gently up and down his arm, causing him to lift his head slightly. Ben smiled at the sight. His cheeks were flushed in a glow and his hair was dropping over his forehead. “Babe,” he said with a whisper. “Gotta move.”

Callum gave a slight grunt in acknowledgement, before rolling off into the empty space on the bed. Ben used his toes to hook the shirt up from the floor, before whipping it over to Callum to clean himself up, giving a smirk when Callum rolled his eyes affectionately at him.

Once Ben was clean himself and pulled his trousers back up, he looked behind him at the state of the bed. There was clothing spilled out of the suitcase and the items that were left, were now unfolded and in a mess. “I think there’s a crease in one of your shirts,” Ben motioned with a smile to Callum, nodding in the direction of the bag. “I think the case’s been injured in the line of duty as well.”

Callum gave a moan, as he reached over and tried unsuccessfully to mould the side of the suitcase back to its original shape. “I think the zip’s torn off in this section,” Callum muttered with a tut. “How’d you manage that?”

Ben opened his mouth incredulously. “Me? I know I’m good, but an out of body experience don’t mean that you weren’t actually there, Callum! It’s your fault, if anything. All that folding and flattening out the creases. Enough to drive a fella wild,” Ben said with a laugh, before his eyes caught sight of the time on the clock. “Oh shit! They’ll be here in ten minutes! Less probably. Lola’s almost as anal minded as you. At packing, anyway. And Lex has probably been up for hours.”

“Right,” Callum said standing up, and looking around him as if extra time was going to be appear in the bedroom. “You take a quick shower while I try and re-pack. Then I’ll jump in.”

“Or to save time we could always jump in together,” Ben replied, getting up and moving closer to Callum, winding his arms around his boyfriend’s waist. “Then I could help you pack. We’ll be done quicker. Plus we’ll be saving water. Gotta be mindful of climate change and all that.”

Callum bent down to give him a quick peck on the lips. “Oh yeah? When have you cared about the environment, eh?” he laughed, his eyes twinkling. “Last week you said you’d rather have a candlelit dinner with Martin than drive an electric car.”

“What?” Ben responded innocently, looking up at his boyfriend. “He’s almost slightly alright looking in a certain light. If that light was a burnt out candle and I had my eyes stabbed out.”

“You’re awful,” Callum replied, but there was no meaning behind it. Instead he leaned down and gently brushed their noses together. “Happy Hastings Holiday Day.”

Ben chuckled and gave a roll of his eyes, though his heart felt a swell of warmth. “Happy First Hastings Holiday Day,” he returned.

Ben was just hopping on one leg, trying to get his second shoe on as the third knock on the door came, this one even more impatiently than the first two. Once his foot was back down on the ground, he hurried to answer, opening the door to a stony faced Lola and Jay. “We’ve been standing here for five minutes,” his brother explained accusingly. He reached up and pressed the button by the door. “Oh look the bell has magically started working again.”

Ben gave a shrug and pointed to his ear. “Must not have heard it! Sorry, bruv,” he explained, as Jay shook his head in disbelief. “Not something I like to complain about.”

“Oh don’t give me that toggle!” Jay replied waving his hand at him dismissively. “You complain about every little thing incessantly. Where’s Callum?”

“He’s just making sure everything’s switched off,” Ben explained, picking the post up from the doormat, and giving the envelopes a quick glance. “We don’t wanna burn Jack’s flat down. Saying that, he probably wouldn’t mind. Probably be happy to get shot of us.”

Jay looked at him curiously. “You been out in the rain?” he asked, as he whipped a hand out to harshly pat Ben’s hair, and then took a glance at the cloudless sky. “Why you damp?”

Ben pushed him off roughly. “I’ve just had a shower, Jay,” he replied, gesturing with the post that was still in his hand. “You know, those things that make you smell nice and fresh rather than like a litre of embalming fluid was chucked over you.”

“It’s half eleven! I saw you three hours ago. Why would you have a shower in the middle of the-,” he started to say, before stopping as he saw Callum dragging the case round the corner, his own hair still damp and falling over his head rebelliously. “Oh right! I get it now. We were waiting on your porch for the best part of the day because you was getting your di-“

“Jay!” Lola hissed, motioning her head towards Lexi, who was twirling around the garden, a huge straw hat and sunglasses perched on her head which seemed to fall further down her face with every motion.

“Alright!” Jay said with an exasperated frown. “Can we finally get this little group on the road? I don’t fancy sitting in traffic if we don’t get there before rush hour.”

Ben nodded and grabbed his keys from the side. Hearing a crash behind him, he turned around to see a very sheepish Callum, with the suitcase in his hand, but the top wide open and all their belongings scattered along the floor.

“It’s broken,” Callum muttered, pointing to the offending item. Ben threw the envelopes down on top of the pile of possessions, ignoring the glare from his boyfriend at adding to the mess. “It’ll only take a second to fold it all back up.”

“Isn’t that the case your mum gave you?” Lola asked Ben, squinting to take a closer look at the item Kathy had gifted to them the week before. “Brand new she said that was, it looks like it’s been dropped off the top of the Shard now! Look at the side, looks like it’s had a right bang!”

“I’m waiting in the car with Lexi,” Jay exclaimed throwing his hands up in the air. “We ain’t even got off the Square yet, and you two are already making a pig’s ear out of things! Feel free to join me so we can actually have our summer holiday before November hits!”

“You can’t let everyone out before you, Callum!” Ben exclaimed, slapping his hands down on his thighs in frustration. “If you stop to let every little old lady in a Skoda pass us, we’ll be spending the night kipping on the side of the M25.”

“I’m in charge of driving, yeah?” Callum replied, trying to keep his eyes on the road and frown in his boyfriend’s direction at the same time. “You concentrate on navigating us.”

They had eventually left Walford about half an hour earlier, once Callum was happy all their belongings were suitably repacked, and Ben had wrapped ten metres of duct tape around the case to keep in closed. Lexi had lost a little of her excitement when she realised they weren’t going to get to Hastings within the first quarter of an hour. She was now happily listening to Little Mix on Lola’s phone.

“Not to be a total killjoy,” Jay started, as Ben gave a snicker at the comment. “But why exactly are we using a paper map that looks it spent the last thirty years in Phil’s glove compartment? Why don’t you just use your phone?”

Ben looked at Callum then, who let his eyes wander from the road long enough to exchange a small smile with his boyfriend.” Because it’s romantic,” Ben answered simply.

Jay screwed his nose up. “A bit of paper that smells like a stale ashtray, is romantic? Suicidal more like. If we get even five miles in the wrong direction then Lola will claw both your eyes out,” he said, nodding towards the sleeping woman next to him. “Your funeral. At least you’ll get an employee discount, eh?”

“What was that all about?” Ben asked, noisily chewing his burger as he leaned against the car. “Telling Jay that you were sure there were a lot of fit birds in Hastings he could have a go at. You on the turn again?”

Callum tutted and nudged Ben with his elbow causing him to choke a little while laughing. “Don’t be stupid,” he said, licking the crumbs off his fingers in a way that made Ben wish they were alone on their travels. They were currently on a food stop, and were closing in on their destination after a few hours on the road. “I’m trying to make Lola jealous, so she’ll see that Jay ain’t interested in any other girl and wants her.”

Ben shook his head. “You and your matchmaking,” he said, aiming and throwing his wrapper towards a nearby bin, wincing when he bounced off the top and rolled out onto the ground. “Why bother? If they’re gonna get together then they will! You can’t force people together, Callum. It don’t work like that.”

“They ain’t two randomers who only just met though are they?” Callum explained, leaning down to pick up the wrapper and place it inside the bin. “They care for each other, they’re both single and Jay adores Lexi. They’re perfect for each other. It’s fate.”

“You really believe in that?” Ben asked, looking at his boyfriend curiously. “Well if it’s meant to be, and set in the stars and all that, then you sticking your size twelves in the mix ain’t gonna make much of a difference, is it?”

“I’m just giving them a prod in the right direction,” Callum said with a defensive shrug.

Ben smirked up at him. “You can give me a prod in any direction you like, if that’ll make you happy,” he replied with a smile as he moved closer to Callum. His boyfriend slung an affectionate arm around him.

“Right we all ready to go then?” Jay said, returning with a clap of his hands as he started to get back into the car. “Lo and Lex are just in the little girls room, then we can get back on the road! Hastings here we come!”

Thankfully, they had managed to miss the rush hour traffic and made good time. Callum carefully pulled into the carpark of the Bed and Breakfast and turned off the engine. Ben laughed to himself as Callum joined Lexi in a cheer.

“Not exactly the Savoy, is it?” Lola said, leaning forward to peer through the window at the building with a crinkled nose. “Looks like it might collapse in a heap at any second. Plus we’re the only car in here. It’s the prime of summer; you’d think all the places would be chocker.”

“How did you find this place, Ben?” Jay asked, as they all got out the car. He went round and started to open the boot to remove their luggage. “I feel that I won’t be shocked if I wake up one morning to find I’ve been murdered in my sleep.”

“Will you all stop complaining!” Ben replied with a sigh. There had been other places available when he booked, ones that were nicer and had more facilities and looked like they weren’t likely to be featured in crime scene photos. This place was special to him though. For him and Callum, and the smile on his boyfriend’s face made putting up with any complaints completely worthwhile.

They finished getting the cases out the car and made their way to the door, the bell giving a sharp ring as they entered. “That weren’t there before,” Callum said, pointing up at the item above the door signalling their entrance.

“The guy who runs it probably thought it was a good idea to have some warning when he gets visitors, after what happened last time,” Ben replied with a wink.

“Jesus,” Jay exclaimed looking around the décor. “It looks like someone’s skinned Kat! I’ve never seen so much animal print in one place.”

“Let’s just get to our rooms shall we,” Lola remarked, with a slight sneer. “If I stand still long enough in this gaff, someone will think I’m up for turning tricks.”

“Might be your outfit more than the wallpaper,” Ben sniggered, managing to just about dodge Lola’s slap. He walked up to the desk, noticing the attendant looking at him with squinted eyes. Purposefully, Ben rang the bell causing the man to frown even further. “We’ve booked some rooms. Mitchell, Pearce and Brown.”

“You’ve been here before,” he said, looking between Ben, and at Callum who smiled politely, while desperately trying to stick back some of the tape on the case. “You and him.”

“What can I say? We were bowled over by the stunning hospitality and couldn’t wait to return,” Ben retorted, cocking his head daringly. “You didn’t get our Trip Advisor review? Damn, must have forgotten to press save.”

The man grunted and then fumbled below the shelf for some keys. “One single,” he said, waving the first set. Jay leant over to take them. “One double?”

“Yeah, that’s mine, ta,” Lola said, grasping the keys and yanking hard when the man didn’t seem to want to let go.

“One double with a rollaway bed set up,” he said, looking between Ben and Callum, and down at Lexi. “The littlun in there with you, is she?”

“Yeah,” Ben replied, holding out his hand for the man to place the keys in. “Anything you want to add?”

“Enjoy your stay,” he muttered unconvincingly. “Breakfast is served from seven. English only, not any of that continental rubbish. That a problem?”

Ben leant on the desk and cocked his head. “I’m gonna miss grabbing my croissant in the morning, but I’ll settle for a bit of grease to help things slide along,” he said through gritted teeth. “Although, you look like you serve a dinky sausage.”

“Yes, alright, thank you!” Jay exclaimed quickly, as he grabbed Ben by the arm and started pulling him towards the door leading to the rooms, Lola, Callum being left to drag the bags and shepherd Lexi in the right direction. Once they were in the hallway, Ben thrust his arm out of Jay’s grip. “Is that the reason you brought us to this place? So you could stroke your ego by bringing down some pathetic homophobe.”

“Yes,” Callum remarked, trying to shake a piece of tape off his hand. Ben stared at him with his eyebrows raised, until his boyfriend looked up from the silence. “What? Alright, it’s not the main reason, but it is the cherry on the top for you.”

“We learn about homophobes in school,” Lexi said, going over to Callum and taking the tape off for him. “Mrs Michaels says they’re fair.”

“She says what?” Ben asked with confusion, looking down at his child.

Lexi huffed at having to repeat herself, and she smoothed the piece of duct tape onto her dress. “She said ‘there’ is one. Well there’s three actually. ‘There’, ‘Their’ and ‘they’re’. Then there is fair, and another fayre, like what we have at school in the summer term. Remember, Callum? You helped me learn them from my spelling list.”

Callum nodded with a smile. “Them were homophones, Lexi,” he replied, stroking her hair. “Bit different.”

“Oh,” she replied, the cogs in her brain moving quickly. “What’s a homophobe then?”

“That fella out there,” Ben responded quickly. “Right, come on then. Let’s get to our room before our suitcase disintegrates completely.”

“See, this is why I should have gone and got them. There’s not enough salt on them,” Ben said licking his fingers.

After travelling all day, they were all ready for an early night. Lola had said she was just going to go straight to sleep, and Jay wanted to do some work for the parlour before bed, despite Ben criticising him for it. He reminded his friend that it was a holiday and no one was going to pop back to life before the invoice got through to their family, but Jay was adamant.

They’d both agreed to have Lexi stay in their room tonight, as Lola had to deal with her up at the crack of dawn and excited by her holiday. They’d managed to get everything unpacked, before Callum suggested he just pop out and get some chips. He’d returned half an hour later, and Ben and Lexi had already snuggled up on the bed, ready to start the film.

“Yeah, thought it wasn’t a good idea to have you walk through the lobby of this place by yourself,” Callum said grabbing another chip. “Didn’t want you being dragged off in a cop car. There’s loads on here anyway. You’re just being fussy.”

“Shh!” Lexi ordered. She was currently laying between them with a small potion of chips on her lap. “You’re missing the important part.”

“How has no one clocked that this octopus woman knows the mermaid?” Callum enquired, pointing towards the television. “She’s evil and sniffing around her fella, but they’re not seeing that it’s the redhead’s soul she’s trying to get at. He’s just a decoy. Ain’t that crab figured it out yet?”

“It’s Disney, Cal,” Ben replied, gathering up their empty chip wrappers and putting them in the bin. “Not an episode of Line of Duty. It’s got singing and talking sea creatures. You’ve got to suspend your belief slightly.”

“Daddy!” Lexi complained, throwing her arms up in the air. “You’re going to miss something and then you won’t know what’s going on!”

“Alright, alright,” Ben said, surrendering to his daughter’s whims. He clambered up on the bed, this time trying to climb between his two favourite people. “Come on Little Miss, scooch over so I can pay attention to how this mermaid gets her voice back and don’t lose her soul.”

Ben settled himself on Callum’s shoulder as Lexi clung to his side. He reached carefully down and brought the blanket over all of them, his eyes drifting shut as the gentle instruments started to play on the screen. For once, his mind stilled and dozed into contentment.

“It’s supposed to be summer, and now I got a barnet that looks like I’ve been swept up in a tornado,” Lola complained, using her hands to try and settle her hair back into place.

They decided to walk along the pier that morning. It was sunny and beautiful, but there was a harsh breeze in the air signalling that bad weather could be on its way. Ben gave a sigh as Callum kept on removing his hand from where it was cupped in his own, to try and make sure his hair stayed in place.

“Will you both pipe down about your hair! It’s a gorgeous day and you’re on holiday, not walking down the Paris runway!” he replied, forcefully reaching up and grabbing Callum’s hand back as he was trying to fix the last stray strand. “Now we’re going on a nice walk to the pier, and then for ice cream. Got it?”

All his family were silent and gave a nod. “You’re really getting into the relaxed holiday spirit then, mate?” Jay smirked, walking hand in hand with Lexi. “What next, you gonna whip a pistol out and force us to have fun at gunpoint?”

As they reached the end of the promenade, he noticed Callum come to a stop, gripping on to his hand tightly. “It’s ok,” Ben whispered softly. “It’s the right thing to do. We need to say goodbye, Callum.”

Nodding in confirmation, Callum rubbed his thumb gently over Ben’s knuckles and started walking. Now it was Ben’s turn to feel the reluctance, to walk down the wooden slants of the pier with the guilt of what he had done, even if it wasn’t directly at his hand. Their steps seemed loud, as if he were walking to his final judgement, the sunlight beaming down light a harsh spotlight to bring focus to his sins. This man who was the cause of pain. This man who killed the ones he loved.

As they neared the end of the pier, Lexi let go of Jay’s hand and started to run towards the edge. “Be careful, Lex!” Lola shouted, but to Ben it just felt a fog in his ears. “Don’t lean over the barrier!”

There weren’t many other people out at the end, just an elderly couple enjoying an ice lolly, looking out at the frothy waves. They didn’t spare a glance at their little group though, even when Lexi started swinging on the barrier singing ‘Part of Your World’.

“Right, well what do we do now then?” Jay asked, leaning against the side and squinting into the sun. “I don’t exactly know how these things go.”

“Well that’s a comforting statement for an undertaker!” Ben scoffed, looking around at the ground slightly, before sitting down near the edge of the pier, pulling Callum down with him. “You say that to all your clients do you, before you shove a coffin in the ground?”

“This ain’t exactly a usual funeral though Ben, is it?” Jay said with a huff, as he reluctantly came and sat down with them. “I ain’t never chucked anyone off a pier before, let alone someone who weren’t human!”

“Mate, I hate to tell you this, but you’re sitting on Dick,” Ben said nodding towards where Jay’s legs lay on the carved name, with a smirk.

“What?” Jay said, jumping up and looking around underneath him, as Lola started to giggle at her flailing friend. “What you on about?”

“Don’t worry mate, a little bit of wood near your arse won’t kill you,” Ben said, as Callum elbowed him in the ribs. “Ow! Alright! I’ll stop. That was the last one, I promise. Lexi, come over here, babe.”

The little girl ran over to them, tackling Ben in a big hug. “Is it time for ice cream, yet?” she asked, pressing her head to his.

“Not yet, darlin,” Callum replied, stroking her hair as Ben held her in her arms. “We’ve got to say goodbye to Jet first, ain’t we?”

That had been one of the worst moments of Jet dying, and there were plenty that Ben had stocked up. Telling Lexi. He had gone round to see her the day after and sat her down. It reminded him so much of when he was told that his mum was dead. They made sure he was sitting on a comfortable chair, as if that would have made any difference to the pain that would follow. He wasn’t sure who the woman was that held his hand limply. Some social worker, probably. He couldn’t remember her face, even now, it was just a blonde blur. He remembered the marble buckle on her shoes though and the smell of her perfume, this light lavender floral scent that seemed to be ingrained into his senses for all time.

With Lexi, he pulled her into his lap and gave her the biggest cuddle. “Princess, you remember in The Lion King, when Simba’s dad died?” he asked, not really knowing how to broach the subject. For all the loss he had suffered in his life, he’d be the first to admit he wasn’t the best at helping other people through theirs. He admired Callum and Jay with how they could comfort those in the throes of despair with just a few words. They always seemed to know the right things to say.

“He didn’t die!” Lexi replied firmly. “Scar murdered him and made Simba take the blame! It was a tramesty!”

“Right,” Ben said, wanting to get everything back on track. “Well you remember what that film said, about no one ever really being gone. That they’ll always be there in the stars looking down on us?”

Lexi just nodded, furrowing her eyes slightly at Ben. He forgot sometimes, how perceptive children could be, how sometimes they could just pick up on the feelings of the adults around them, even if they didn’t truly recognise what they were or why they were present.

“Well, Jet got sick, baby,” he said quietly, feeling the lump build in his throat, but he pushed it back down. He had to be strong. “Really sick. And she went to sleep one night, and didn’t wake up. She died darlin’.”

Ben could see his daughter’s chin tremble slightly as she was processing the information in her head. He didn’t want to overwhelm her, so he just stayed quiet and held her, promising that everything would be okay. He said it so many times he almost believed the lie himself. Almost.

“Daddy! Look!” Lexi said jumping up excitedly on the pier, pointing towards the ground, pulling Ben out of his thoughts “It’s the picture Callum has on his keyring!”

“I know!” Ben replied with a smile, as he drew his finger over the names they scored into the wood the previous year. “We’ve been here before.”

“Who are Richard and Mary?” Lexi asked with a jealous frown, following his example and waving her finger over the carving, as if casting a spell. “Why do they have their names with yours?”

Callum looked over at Ben then with a soft smile. “They helped your daddy and me when we were being idiots,” he replied to her as he linked Ben’s hand in his. “They help us be better. They helped to save our souls.”

“Wish I’d bought that bucket and spade now,” Jay muttered with a groan. “It would have given me something to vomit into.”

Lola leant over and gave him a smack on the head. “Just because your idea of romance is a quick bite down at ‘Spoons and a bottle of cheap plonk, it don’t mean other people can’t make dramatic gestures,” she tutted while shaking her head. “You can be spontaneous you know.”

“You want spontaneous, then I’ll give you spontaneous,” Jay replied, before leaning in and kissing Lola. Ben saw Callum’s mouth gape open before he slapped his boyfriend on the thigh pointing towards the couple.

“Are you two…?” Callum said, moving his gaze between the two of them. “Are you together? For how long?”

Jay gave a smile to his friend, as he put his arm around Lola’s shoulders, pulling her near. “A good few months now,” he said quietly. “We wanted to keep it to ourselves for a bit, make sure it was the right thing.”

“I can’t believe you didn’t tell me!” Callum exclaimed. He looked towards Ben accusingly. “Did you know about this?

“I figured it out a few months ago, yeah,” Ben admitted with a smirk. He’d been watching his two friends get closer, and he couldn’t help miss the stolen glances, the secret meetings and the clandestine touches when they thought no one was looking.

“Wait, you let us get separate hotel rooms, though you knew we were together?” Jay asked with a shake of his head. “Cheers for that, mate. I had to sneak back into a single bed at the crack of dawn this morning! And the shower don’t work!”

“Well I’m happy for you both,” Callum said with a smile, before turning to his boyfriend, his expression dropping a little. “Ben, we should get started.”

Taking a deep breath, Ben gave a short nod of agreement and reached for the bag they’d brought with them. “Are we going to say anything, or…?” he asked, hoping he wouldn’t have to speak. This was all his fault; he wasn’t sure he could hold his nerve to pretend it wasn’t if he had to talk at this moment.

“Nah,” Callum said, reaching up and stroking the back of Ben’s head with his hand. It was like he could sense that he needed the comfort; that he needed the strength. “We’ll just play the song, yeah?”

Ben opened the bag up and took out the small wooden container that they received back from the vets. There was a slight tremble to his hands, and he used all his energy to try and cause them to still. He passed the box over to Jay, looking him in the eye. Without having to say a word, his brother recognised what he needed him to do and gently took the urn from Ben’s grip.

Callum was tutting loudly next to him, scrolling through his phone with annoyance. Ben reached into his pocket and handed over his mobile to his boyfriend, who took it with a warm look for a memory that only they shared. He pressed a few buttons and music came ringing out.

Signalling towards Jay to start scattering the ashes, he cuddled up to Callum, tucking himself under his arm. Lola scuttled over and linked her arm in his, rubbing her fingers up and down his skin comfortingly.

Stopping his careful scattering in the sea for a second, Jay frowned at the sound of the music coming out of the phone. “Is this Elton John?” he asked, a hint of disdain in his voice.

“Bruv, I’ve heard Celine Dion waft out of your playlist before,” Ben said pointing a finger accusingly. “As much as you dived to turn it off, there’s no mistaking that opening of ‘My Heart Will Go On.’ Ain’t nothing wrong with Elton John.”

“Yeah, Jay. You watched that movie and all. Didn’t hear you complaining then!” Lola spoke up, joining in on the teasing. “What was it called?”

“Rocketman,” Ben replied. “Callum thinks the guy who plays him is right fit.”

Callum lifted his head up quickly from where it was resting on top of Ben’s hair. “No I don’t!” he responded defensively.

“Yes you do, baby,” Ben responded with a dismissive wave of his hand. “Trust me, I can tell.”

“I’ve got nothing against Elton bloody John!” Jay insisted. “I just thought you might choose a more appropriate song for the occasion, like Candle in the Wind!”

Ben raised his eyebrows at his friend before he burst out laughing. Callum and Lola were giggling along too. “Mate, she was a dog not a media starlet!” he replied, the laughter feeling warm but heavy on his chest.

“Well, what’s this one then?” Jay asked, coming to sit back down with the rest of them.

Before anyone could answer, Lexi leapt up and started to sway to the music. “Benny! Benny and the Jets!” she sang, trying to click her fingers in time with the music. “It was her favourite song.”

“On her Spotify playlist was it?” Jay quipped before Lola hissed at him to be quiet.

“No, Daddy used to dance with Jet in the kitchen to it,” she said, twirling around still. “He used to hold her paws and sing along.”

“Oh, so it’s Daddy’s favourite song really, is it?” Jay mocked with his mouth wide open. “Bit narcissistic, eh mate?”

“Uh, no actually, it’s Taron’s boyfriend over here that always played it!” Ben said tapping Callum on the knee. “I got natural rhythm, ain’t I? I’m not going to deny the world of that.”

As the rest of his family started to laugh again, Ben joined in, but he didn’t want to relive the happy memory. It didn’t feel one of joy. It felt like regret and unlived potential. The voice there that tainted those memories was clear in its intent. It was all his fault.

For the rest of the day Ben had tried to push away the feelings that had settled in his gut, festering away at his insides, hissing and spitting at him. After they left the pier, they all went for ice cream at a little dessert café on the seaside. Lexi ordered the largest sundae he’d ever seen and it took all five of them to finish it, Lola happily snapping pictures on her phone at every stage of the demolishment. It should have been one of the happiest moments of his life. All his family together, laughing and loved. Why did he feel like he shouldn’t have been there then?

As Lexi was staying in with Lola tonight, Ben had just popped out to pick up some sandwiches for him and Callum. The ice cream was still sitting heavy in his stomach so they’d only need something light. Passing by the reception desk of the B&B, he gave his most obnoxious smile to the clerk, adding a wink for good measure, before heading back to their room.

When he opened the door, her saw Callum sitting on the bed in deep concentration towards a piece of paper he was holding. He only seemed to notice that Ben arrived when the door slammed shut causing Callum to jump a little. Ben gave a nod as a means of greeting. Callum smiled back, it not quite reaching his eyes, while he hurriedly folded the paper up and placed it in his back pocket.

“That was quick!” he exclaimed, leaning back against the pillow. “You went to the nice place, yeah?”

Ben laughed as he took out a paper bag and threw it towards his boyfriend. “It’s a sandwich, Callum,” he responded. “It’s two thirds bread, you can’t go far wrong. Anyway, I sent you my location on your phone, so you could track when I was coming back. Were you not paying attention?”

“You only went to get some food!” Callum said, biting into his sandwich, smiling when the taste hit his tongue. “You got mustard and mayonnaise! I know how you hate ordering that.”

“Because it’s weird, Callum!” Ben said, throwing himself on the bed. “I look weird ordering it and you eating it is weird!”

“Yet, you still got it,” he replied, leaning over to kiss Ben on the cheek. “Love you.”

“Get your mustardy mayo lips away from me,” Ben said with a smirk, giving his boyfriend a little shove. “I got nauseous enough having to watch Jay try and swallow Lola’s tongue whole all after noon.”

“I can’t believe you knew about them and didn’t tell me,” Callum said with a shake of his head. “All that time you let me try and get them together.”

Ben picked at the crust of his sandwich. “It was cute watching you try so hard to get them to go out,” he explained. “I did tell you that you couldn’t force these things!”

“You and your secrets, eh?” Callum said licking his lips and brushing the crumbs carefully off himself.

Ben stilled at the comment. Something about it had flicked a switch inside him. He knew it was because it had an acre of truth, but it wasn’t something he wanted to dwell on or hear out loud. “What’s that supposed to mean?” he replied, his voice full of steel. He continued looking straight ahead, not daring to look at Callum.

“Nothing,” Callum replied, and Ben could hear in his voice how he recognised the change of tone in the air. “Just that you kept it quiet. Not the first thing either is it? You still ain’t told me about Jet’s collar.”

“I told you, I didn’t know who it was,” Ben said, the lie he was being caught him making him retreat further into his corner, lashing out as he went. “How long you been stocking that one up to throw back at me?”

“I ain’t!” Callum insisted, putting the rest of his sandwich down on the bedside table, and twisting his body round so he was facing Ben. “I just know you and you’re hiding something from me.”

Ben looked towards his boyfriend now, and swallowed down the feeling of regret that was hitting him hard when he saw tears starting to form in Callum’s eyes. He couldn’t afford to get sentimental now. “I’m keeping secrets?” he scoffed back. “When every other night you can barely fall asleep without scaring yourself half to death. Let’s talk about that shall we?”

“You know about that!” Callum replied, his voice full of pain, cracking with hurt. “Just cause I’m trying to keep a handle on it, it don’t mean anything more than what you’ve seen. You’re keeping things from me and pretending like it’s all ok.”

“Like you ain’t keeping things too?” Ben snapped back. “What’s that bit of paper about in your back pocket?”

“That ain’t nothing to do with this,” Callum countered, lowering his gaze so it didn’t meet Ben’s eyes. “Stop trying to twist it round on me! I know you, and there’s something you should be telling me and you’re not!”

Ben couldn’t let him know. He couldn’t tell him what he’d got involved in. How could he possibly? He’d be devastated at what happened to Jet if he knew it was Ben’s fault. He couldn’t have Callum knowing the worst about him. It would only make him worry.

Steely eyed, he turned to his boyfriend. “There’s nothing,” he started, trying to keep his voice firm in his conviction. “Perhaps you don’t know me at all.”

Ben pulled his leather jacket around him tighter. The night breeze had a bitterness to it, despite the summer months. He had been wandering around for about half an hour now, thinking over the fight with Callum. After his last comment, Callum had shrinked away, shaking his head and going into the bathroom, slamming the door behind him, and locking it loudly as a signal that he wasn’t going to listen to what Ben was saying. That he knew it was bullshit. Ben didn’t stick in the room, he took the coward’s way out and left.

They ate into his mind, these things. The things that haunted him. He hated how they made him push Callum away, how they made him lie and deceive. That wasn’t something he wanted. It was just something he had to do. Callum had enough to worry about, he didn’t need all the other business of top of everything else that was plaguing him. It was over now anyway. He’d cut all ties with Buzz Cut and his boss. It was done. Callum didn’t need to know anything. It would just be picking at healing scars.

Ben had been just walking up and down the streets for a while now, not really knowing what to do. He toyed with the idea of going back to the Bed and Breakfast and sleeping in the single room that Jay had, but he didn’t want to have to explain to his friend why he needed it at the moment. Ben knew Jay’s response. He’d simply roll his eyes and lecture him about why Callum was the best thing that ever happened to him, and to stop being an idiot and go and apologise.

There was truth in that of course, but Ben didn’t want to hear about another mistake he made, be blamed for something else he did wrong and fucked up. What he needed was a drink.

Remembering the small neon sign he noticed when he was walking up the road, he backtracked a little until he reached the door. Stepping in, he noticed the quietness immediately. This wasn’t some young and trendy bar trying to attract a student or young professional crowd nor was it your classic boozer filled with locals. It looked caught in the nineties with it’s décor, a small dance floor off to the side, and a few multi-coloured lights trying to set some kind of atmosphere.

Ben approached the bar, which was clear apart from one patron and a rather bored looking server. He slipped up on a bar stool and gave a wave of his hand to signal he wanted to be served. He ordered a double vodka and a bottle of beer, and he knocked the neat drink back quickly when the barmaid placed the glass in front of him. The burn of his throat felt good, and the sip from his beer bottle soothed it placatingly.

The phone in his pocket gave a short sharp ping, and he fished it out of his jacket pocket. Lola had sent him some pictures of the day, and he scrolled through them. They seemed like a lifetime ago, a snapshot of someone else’s memories. He shouldn’t be allowed them; these beautiful moments of joy. There were photos of Jay and him trying to win soft toys on the grabber machines at the arcade, and quite a few of him and Callum kissing on the dodgems at Flamingo Park. He stopped on a picture of Callum and Lexi in front of their giant sundae, both holding their long spoons and grinning into the camera.

“She yours?” a voice next to him asked enquiringly. Ben looked round to see the other man at the bar give a nod towards his mobile. He must have been locking at the pictures as he was scrolling through.

“Yeah,” Ben replied, with a small smile. “That’s my daughter. She’ll be almost nine soon.”

The man nodded knowingly. “My girl is seven going on twenty seven!” he replied with a laugh, throwing back his whiskey, and edging his stool closer to Ben. “Got a little boy too; only eighteen months but absolutely into everything! The in-laws are visiting tonight, so they’ll be spoiling them rotten. The wife’s given me the night off!”

“She’s growing up so fast,” he said, putting his phone back in his pocket, and signalling for another drink for them both. It was nice to just put everything else out of his mind and have a normal conversation for moment. “One minute she’s into bedtime stories and teddy bears, and the next all she’s interested in is the latest girlband or youtuber.”

“It’s a lot isn’t it?” the man replied, nodding in gratitude for the drink that Ben had bought him. “Parenting, when you’re dealing with all the other pressures. Every god damn thing that life seems to throw at you to drag you down.”

Ben chuckled to himself, and knocked back his second vodka, swigging down a large gulp of beer after it. “Mate, if all I had to worry about was my little girl, I’d be golden,” he replied, taking in the man in front of him. He couldn’t have been that much older than Ben, perhaps edging closer to either side of thirty. He seemed to wear an expression of worry that seemed familiar though, and perhaps defied his younger years. “I just feel like getting away, getting out my head and forgetting about all the shit that comes along.”

He could feel himself get a little buzzed now, but didn’t refuse when the man ordered him another drink. He downed it again, enjoying the feeling. Enjoying the way it kicked down and subdued those monsters nipping at his belly and slowed down his senses. He knocked back his vodka and then finished draining his bottle.

“It’s would be nice to be someone else for a while, wouldn’t it?” the man responded, his voice slurring a little. Ben wasn’t sure how long he had been here before he arrived, but it was clearly a couple of drinks worth. “Not worry about what people think or going to say.”

Nodding along, Ben couldn’t help but agree. He couldn’t imagine having a time when someone somewhere wasn’t going to judge him for his actions. “That would be amazing,” he muttered back. “I’m not getting my hopes up though.”

The man hesitated for a second, as if playing something over in his mind. He leaned in a little, signalling for Ben to come closer. “Can I tell you a secret?” he asked, looking into Ben’s eyes.

In hindsight, Ben should have guessed what was about to happen next. He should have known from the very instant he set eyes on the guy. Perhaps he could blame it on the alcohol, or perhaps his head was so swelled with other things, that he was completely taken by surprise when the man brought his hand round the back of Ben’s head and pulled him in for a kiss.

Before Ben could even realise it was happening, it was over, and the man leaned back, blurry eyed and expectant. Ben felt angry at letting this guy catch him off guard. There was fury scurrying through his bones at the situation, and how he’d got himself muddled in something again without thinking anything through. He was just about to give the man a piece of his mind, cut him down with a scathing comment, when a figure standing by the door caught his eye.

Callum.


	9. Two Memories

“Would you just stop, Callum!”

Ben was struggling to keep up. There was alcohol coursing through his body, setting his balance off kilter. His head was swimming and speeding up the road at a quick march wasn’t helping much. Callum was still a little way ahead, having longer strides and a sober body to help him maintain the distance.

As soon as he had spotted his boyfriend by the door of the bar, Ben had frozen. It was like time had suddenly stopped in that moment, and all he wanted was to wind it back. Callum looked stunned, his eyes spinning between Ben and the man next to him who was still leaning in closely. It was clear that he’d seen everything.

Callum opened his mouth slightly, as though he was going to speak, and Ben hoped he did. He wanted to see him scream at him, to storm in and punch the pathetic guy next to him in the throat and drag Ben out of there by the arm. He wanted Callum to just shove him against a wall and tell him how much he was disgusted by him, how he was just a failure of a boyfriend who wasn’t worth his time or his love. He needed Callum to tell him he was worthless and how much better he would be able to do if he found someone else. That was the only thing he deserved.

None of that happened though. Callum just licked his lips slightly, before taking a deep breath and turning around and walking back out the door. Ben grabbed his phone off the bar, before jumping down off the stool and trying to race after him. After only two steps, he had felt a hand grab him on his arm.

“Where you going?” the guy asked, looking up to him expectantly with a glazed expression. Ben almost felt sorry for him, the desperation evident with the way his fingers gripped into Ben’s sleeve. Almost. The thought of Callum seeing what he had done and walking out the door very quickly, raised a fire in him and he needed to take that out on someone.

Roughly peeling away the man’s fingers, and throwing them off him, Ben glared down at him, picking up a bottle and holding the end of it towards the man’s face. “Do us all a favour, yeah?” he scowled, gritting his teeth down on him. “Go back to your sad little wife, and your pathetic little life, cause mate, no one else will ever want you.”

The man seemed to sober up quite quickly, spinning back round on his stool immediately and gripping on tightly to his whiskey. Ben didn’t have time to think about him now. He wanted to hurt someone, needed to feel the burn of viciousness and spite, and he couldn’t think about how that felt when it landed on someone else.

Ben gave a small jog across the bar, swinging the door open ferociously. The slight chill of the breeze hit his skin, the balmy air of summer nowhere near to be found. He looked down the street. It was empty, just the orange glow of the street light filling the space. Looking the other way, he saw a shadow disappear into the distance.

He started to stride down the street, coming closer to the figure he now recognised clearly as Callum. Ben called out his name, but still he didn’t stop. He shouted it louder this time, not caring how late at night it was or whose sleep he was disturbing. He could wake the whole of Hastings for all he cared. Let them come out of their houses and have a go at him. The mood he was in he’d take them all on.

When Callum still didn’t stop, Ben tried to pick up his speed again. His boyfriend would have clearly heard him, especially with the night so silent. There was that stubbornness though in Callum. Once he decided something, then there was no stopping him. If he wanted to walk away and pretend like Ben wasn’t there, then that’s what he’d do, and nothing between heaven and earth would stand in his way. It made Ben feel powerless sometimes, this strength of will that Callum showed. It wasn’t something he had ever had to get used to in his life. He liked to feel in control, and with Callum he was so unpredictable and resolute, that any sense of power went out the window.

There was something beautiful in that though, just riding along on someone else’s waves. Everything seemed to go right when that happened. It was when he tried to swim in the opposite direction that he felt like he was drowning.

Callum was still striding ahead, reaching the beach now, and he turned to walk back along the promenade to the hotel. Ben was making a little ground, and realised he was still holding on to the beer bottle from the bar, not thinking to put it down as he left. He started to feel the sting of raindrops begin to hit his face, as a storm was slowing drifting in from the horizon. “Callum!” he shouted out again, hurling the bottle to the ground next to him, so it smashed into a thousand shattered parts. “Will you fucking stop?!”

His voice was almost cut out by the sound of rumbling thunder, and he was surprised when Callum’s footsteps slowed, stopping completely a little down the road. Ben started pacing towards him, though his boyfriend was still facing away, his hands in his pockets.

When he reached him, Ben swallowed down the air bursting into his body. He was breathing deeply from the swift walk through the town. Callum was looking up to the sky, ignoring that anyone else was there. He had stopped, but he wasn’t going to make it easy. “It wasn’t what it looked like,” Ben started to explain. Exhaling heavily, he stopped in the middle of the sentence, knowing what a pathetic cliché it sounded.

It clearly struck a nerve in Callum as well, who finally turned to look at him. Ben could see that his eyes were watery. Drops covered his cheeks, slipping down from his lashes, but were added to as the rain started falling faster onto his face, joining the tears consolingly. “It looked like you were sat in a bar kissing another fella,” Callum said, raising his eyebrows in challenge. “You gonna stand there and tell me I’m just seeing things?”

“He kissed me,” Ben replied, and Callum scoffed and shook his head in disbelief. “It’s true! I didn’t plan it to happen.”

“What, so only ten seconds before that happened, he just plonked himself down next to you? Then leaned over and stuck one on you?” Callum replied, his tone clearly knowing there was more to the story.

“It was a bar, Callum!” Ben cried. The rain falling heavier now, hitting his eyelids judgingly every time he tried to look up. “That’s what you do in bars. You talk to people! The same as you did when I caught you with Frenchy!”

“I didn’t have my tongue down his throat though, did I Ben?” Callum said vehemently, and he started walking away again. “I was talking to him about you. I was only talking to another guy and you got a knock on, but I’m not allowed to be angry that you’re all over someone else ten minutes after we had a row?”

Ben threw his hands up in frustration. “How many times do I have to say?” Ben replied, rubbing his hand on his forehead, the surface slick with rain. Callum was starting to pick up the pace again, but this time he managed to keep up. “He kissed me! I weren’t grinding him into the bar; it was a peck on the lips that was over before I even realised he done it. He was just some confused, closeted guy who was trying his luck on.”

Callum gave a wry chuckle. “You got a type then,” he replied, stopping again in the street. “Bored with me and thought you’d try your luck elsewhere.”

“Now you’re just being ridiculous,” Ben replied, sighing at Callum’s melodramatic reaction. “You’re angry, I get it. I’m annoyed too at some random trying to have his way with me when I’ve got a gorgeous, yet frustratingly temperamental boyfriend at home. But it was just that, Callum. Some guy who tried it on.”

There was silence then for a moment, and Ben was hoping that meant Callum had realised he was telling the truth. They could get out this rain, go back to the B&B and cuddle in bed, laughing about this stupid argument, like they’d done before when they’d had a row. What Callum said next though, changed everything. There was no going back.

“What about the guy in the alley?” he blurted out, running a hand through his sopping wet hair. “He just a guy who tried it on too?”

Ben stopped and was silent. Callum started to chuckle, holding his head in his hands and starting to turn away. Ben knew what his reaction must look like. Guilt. It was, he couldn’t deny that, but not for the reason he was accused for. He just didn’t know what to say, but he knew it couldn’t be the truth. “I don’t know what you’re talking about,” he relied plainly.

“Back home, you was up against a wall in an alley with some guy,” Callum clarified. Ben’s head started to spin. How could Callum have seen him with Buzz Cut? He always made sure he was at home whenever Ben went to meet him. “Pressed up against him, getting all ‘hot and heavy’ apparently.

Something clicked inside Ben’s mind “Stuart,” he replied, it becoming clear where his boyfriend had got his information from. There was no way that if Callum has seen him with Buzz Cut he would confuse it with cheating. He wouldn’t have just stood there or walked past either. “He’s been mouthing off to you, ain’t he? I bet he couldn’t wait to tell reveal what a cheating bastard I am!”

Callum frowned his eyes at him. “So you ain’t denying it then?” he asked in a voice so low and quiet that Ben could barely hear it. The wind was picking up and the waves were crashing relentlessly onto the shore. It felt like summer was well and truly over before it had even started.

“It weren’t what it looked like,” Ben replied for the second time that evening. Again, he almost kicked himself for not coming up with a better answer. Why didn’t he have one planned? Why didn’t he think that this would happen? He was so worried about Callum finding out, that he thought that if he just pretended it wasn’t a likely option, then it just wouldn’t happen.

“No? He a ‘confused and closeted guy’ as well was he? You just happen to fall against him while taking a stroll down a dark alley in the middle of the night?” Callum replied, his tone dark and hurt. “Then there was that time in the gents at the Albert, during Pride. I walked in to see some guy all over you.”

“You been stocking this up, have you?” Ben said, trying to turn the focus away from the man in question. “You just been holding all these little things that people whisper in your ear about me, so you can bring them out to prove what I really am?”

“I didn’t mention it, because I thought it weren’t true!” Callum continued. “I had a right go at Stuart and accused him of just trying to break us up!”

“Well, he was!” Ben replied. As good as Stuart had been the night Jet died, he was under no illusion that they were suddenly besties. His boyfriend’s brother must have seen him with Buzz Cut a few days after and thought he was right about the accusation he made towards Ben the first time. “You ain’t gonna believe him, are you? The bald headed freak spent most of the last year trying to knock me out!”

Callum looked like he was thinking for a second, looking deeply into Ben’s eyes. “Alright. I believe you,” he conceded, as his face softened. There was a truth, trust and honesty in his words, and Ben breathed a little sigh of relief as the pace of their walking slowed. “Who is he then?”

“It don’t matter,” Ben replied, picking up the speed a little, in the hopes it would distract Callum. It was fruitless though, and deep down he knew it. Once Callum had a question in his head, he picked and picked at it relentlessly.

“If it don’t matter, then you can tell me, can’t you?” Callum said, shoving his hands in his pockets as he walked. There was distance between them. It felt strange; the small separation along the street feeling like a chasm, the harsh breeze and rain trying to push them apart further. “Who was he?”

Ben had reached the fork in the road. The one he had been heading towards for months now, but hoping he’d never arrive at. Here he was, standing there though. He could take the right road. The one where he confesses everything to Callum; everything about what happened last year and why, and how he got into this whole mess. He could tell him that it was all his fault that Jet died and he’d made mistakes.

Just imagining the look on Callum’s face though, sent Ben reeling. The disappointment in him and the destruction he could have caused. Not only that, but he didn’t want Callum knowing in case Buzz Cut did start sniffing around again. He didn’t want Callum associating with someone like that. He couldn’t risk Callum getting hurt, that was the last thing he wanted. There was only one choice he could make.

“Stuart was right,” Ben said, stopping and staring out at the sea, unable to look at Callum while the words were expelled from his mouth. “I didn’t sleep with him or anything, but he was some guy I was messaging and met up with a few times.”

“What?” he heard Callum say behind him, his voice shaking with confusion at the confession. “What you talking about?”

“It was exciting,” Ben continued, forcing the barbed words out his throat as they dragged and cut into him painfully. “Something different. Same with that fella tonight. He weren’t just there, I messaged him to meet.”

There was silence for a second. “Nah, you’re lying,” Callum said, and Ben hated the conviction in his voice. He hated how he could easily deceive anyone with barely any effort, but not Callum. Never Callum. He couldn’t make it easy and just accept the little pain, he had to go and make Ben really stab some knives in.

“It’s got all a bit much. You and me,” he started to explain, trying to form the lie enough to convince himself. “All I wanted was a quick shag in the park, I didn’t know it was gonna end up like this. I’m young, I want to have a good time.”

“Are you kidding me?” Callum replied, grabbing hold of Ben’s arm and forcing him to turn around and look at him. “What’s going on? We’re living together Ben, we ain’t just had a couple of dances at a school disco. I know what you’re doing!”

“We ain’t Richard and Mary, Callum!” Ben shouted back at him. It was always so much easier to lie to Callum in his head. In actuality, it was close to impossible; he had pressing eyes and could read all his tells. This was important though. He couldn’t let him know the truth. Not now. He started to walk quickly down the road, hoping that it would distract his boyfriend enough. “We ain’t been married for 35 years. We’ve only got a 6 month lease!

“What, you saying you want to ditch me?” Callum asked, easily keeping stride with him. “This is ridiculous, Ben. Don’t try and make out you cheated, because you ain’t.”

“You’re the one that accused me!” Ben said, stopping briefly, before starting again when he saw the flicker of confirmation in Callum’s eyes. They were nearing the hotel now, and Ben didn’t have a clue what he was doing. He just wanted the questioning to stop. He wanted it all to be over. He just wanted to hide away. To run and run until it was all left behind. “Will you just leave it, Callum?”

“Are you in trouble?” Callum asked, as they reached the door of the B&B. “Is it something to do with your dad? With work? What?”

Ben hoped that his eyes didn’t give him away too much. He hadn’t answered any questions, he’d tried to misdirect and still Callum was getting close to the answer. “Maybe I just want a bit of space from you,” he replied, and his heart hit his chest in punishment for those words. Those deceitful words designed to purposefully hurt in order to save.

Callum took a step back physically, and Ben knew he’d finally achieved his goal. There would be no more questions tonight. He hated that he could do this. That he knew exactly the right buttons that could hurt the person he loved the most. Callum had turned around to face the other way now, running his hands over his face and through his hair. Ben stayed silent. The damage had been done. He just hoped he hadn’t gone too far and it wasn’t beyond repair.

Turning around quickly, Callum started to march towards the car purposefully. “Where you going?” Ben asked, as the rain continued to patter down harshly on his jacket. “Callum!”

“You want space, so I’m giving it you,” his boyfriend responded, unlocking the car door. “I’m going home. Take all the space you need, but you will tell me what’s going on when you get back.”

With that, he got into the car and drove off. Ben felt frozen to the spot, not expecting that reaction from Callum. Now, he really was alone.

The waves crashed towards Ben in a furious hurry, like a Roman Century ready to defeat its enemy. They slowed as they grew nearer, gradually being defeated before the remaining watery warrior just licked at the toes of his boots. The tide was retreating, and the sun was threatening to awaken over the horizon.

Sitting on the harsh stones, his whole body felt numb. He had been drenched with the onslaught of rain for hours now, and his body was covered in the chill that he no longer felt. He took another swig from the bottle of whiskey he clung on to, the liquid not even burning his throat any further, the influence helping to dull the feeling of his body though.

Ben’s arm ached as he moved it. He’d thrown rock after rock into the cold ocean, the splashes rippling one after the other. Anything to try and get this feeling away from him and drown it. Sink it deep into the sea. No sooner has one stone left his hand though, the sensation and pain reappeared in his body. The way he’d treated that guy in the bar, and most importantly how things had been left with Callum causing a deep sting in a festering wound.

Ben drank from the bottle again. The buzz wasn’t quite enough to dissipate the pain completely, but he kept with it. He continued throwing the stones, sitting on the freezing cold beach, because if he left he wasn’t sure what he’d do. There were other ways of disappearing from your thoughts, but all of those ways he’d regret. At least with the whiskey, the only remorse would be when the thumping of his head wouldn’t give in tomorrow. He would be able to live with that though. It would be a regret that would slowly disappear.

This wasn’t something he had done for a while; sat in the early hours of the morning, out in the quiet air, drinking himself into a stupor. The last time he did it, that was about Callum too. The time his heart broke when he hadn’t even realised that it was working in the first place.

He had spent that day locked up in one of the allotment sheds, which hadn’t been the best start. It was Callum and Whitney’s wedding day and he was off to meet him in the park early that morning. They’d agreed to meet up, but Ben was so nervous that the other man wouldn’t turn up. All he did was lay in bed, counting the minutes until he could go to the meeting point, like a little child waiting to go find their presents on Christmas morning. He knew how on edge Callum was though, and that did concern him. A slight breeze of doubt would tip him running back the other way when he’d already made it so far. They lay in each others arms the night before and made promises. They weren’t empty. They were finally giving in to this connection between them and it was overwhelming. It was freeing.

That was until the next day when he’d been hit over the head without warning. Ben didn’t remember seeing anyone, but when he woke up, he certainly felt the effects. There was still something coursing through his veins as well, something that helped extend his unconscious state. He knew straight away it had been Stuart. He was so literal; he believed that he could keep Ben away from Callum by just getting him out of sight. He couldn’t see what was in Callum’s heart so he thought it didn’t matter.

There was anger at first, once the soporific effect of the drugs wore off. Waking up amongst the earthy stench of root vegetables and the pungency of mould, wasn’t how he expected his day to go. He had staggered to his feet with uncertainty, pausing halfway when his stomach started to restrict and a wave of nausea hit his throat. Pushing against the flimsy wooden door, he was surprised to find the sun was low in the sky. It took him a moment to realise that it wasn’t because it was still early. He’d been in there the whole day.

Ben had wondered if Callum had been looking for him. He must have been worried when he didn’t turn up at the park picnic table that morning. Perhaps he would have been angry, and thought Ben had stood him up. Would he have gone round to his house to find him? There must have been some part of Callum that would suspect that Stuart had been the cause of this. In his bones, he had this burning need to find him, to tell him he was safe, and all the other things that he was planning to say once Callum had called things off with Whitney

As he approached the square, Ben could hear shouting and laughing. Getting closer, he realised there were a crowd of people, most of whom he recognised, but some he didn’t, standing around a car. With every step his heart became heavier as he realised what he was looking at. The feeling in his chest was now pounding harder than the one in his head. Hand in hand, Callum and Whitney walked out the Vic, with huge smiles of their faces as their friends threw confetti over them, the paper showering and fluttering down around them. Like they were in their own little world. With their own little rain cloud.

For a moment, Ben thought about lurching forward, grabbing Callum by the jacket and throwing him against the car. He’d been locked away and the other man hadn’t even noticed, just gone on with the wedding like Ben didn’t exist. That could happen, he could shout out to everyone what had been going on between them. Shatter the façade of a world that he was viewing.

Despite all this, he couldn’t do it. There were many people’s lives he would take great pleasure in destroying by shouting out their dirty little secrets. Not Callum though. Never him. Understandably Ben was angry at him, but he wasn’t really shocked. There was so much denial in Callum, that it was like a wall was surrounding him. Ben tried to so smash away at the bricks, but it was barely even a dent and the holes would be filled back in with cement just as quickly as he could make them.

When the car pulled away, he hoped to catch Callum’s eye, his mind heartlessly dreaming that if he saw Ben then he’d stop the car, get out and run towards him. That didn’t happen though, and he never expected it to. Those things happened to other people, but not to him. Never him.

As soon as the crowds cleared, he went and bought a large bottle of whiskey from the Minute Mart and walked, his feet taking him to the park. He sat down on the bench. Their bench. He knew that drinking probably wasn’t the best move to make, especially with the drugs that were still making him slightly wobbly, but he didn’t care at the moment. This day couldn’t get any worse.

It had been three o’ clock in the morning before he had staggered back into the square. The whiskey bottle had disappeared from his grip; where it had been dropped, he wasn’t sure. He’d spent the last few hours trying to forget about Callum and forcefully remove him for his mind. Every time he thought he was gone, he would just reappear. There was nowhere to run.

Ben didn’t even know why or how he ended up at Jay’s door, but after banging repeatedly, it had eventually opened.

“Someone better be dead,” his friend had muttered, the sleep rolling off his voice. Ben didn’t wait to respond. He simply barged passed Jay into the house and collapsed on the sofa. “Although by the smell, you ain’t far off. You been on one all day?”

Ben shook his head, swallowing slightly as his head was clouding over. “Only a few hours,” he replied. “Got let down by this guy.”

Jay raised his eyebrows, but didn’t throw him out like he half expected him to. “That don’t usually bother you,” he said, sitting on the seat opposite and leaning his head on his hand with a yawn. “What’s it you always say? Something about ‘some lucky fella out there not realising that he’s gonna be handpicked to have his mind blown by the legend that is Ben Mitchell!’ You not following your own hype?

“This weren’t a one off,” Ben started. He wanted to tell Jay everything, let it all out. He wanted someone to know, even if it was just for it to all feel real, rather than something he’d imagined in his head. “We’d been seeing each other.”

“Christ, who is this guy?” he asked, as Ben tried to focus in. “The Second Coming? Must be something special to get you in a right tizz.”

The room around Jay was blurring, like maybe he was asleep and this conversation wasn’t real. Maybe that’s what was making him say more than he planned. “He’s like a whirlwind and when we’re together, I can’t seem to stop. I can’t keep away. I know I should, but it’s like gazing at the sun.”

“Either you really have had a skinful or you’re heartbroken mate,” Jay replied, getting him a glass of water and putting it on the table next to him. “Just call him up, this fella who ‘makes the earth move’ and the ‘stars twinkle that bit brighter.’”

Ben reached out and hit his brother feebly at his mocking tone. “He don’t want me,” Ben concluded. “Why would he, eh? Look at the state I’m in? Then there’s the deal from when I was in Newcastle. I’ve got keep up with that before I get my head kicked in.”

“What deal?” Jay asked squinting at him with concern. “You ain’t in trouble are you?”

It wasn’t something he planned; the whole thing had been trapped at the back of his mind if he was honest. He hadn’t expected it to come back again. When he left the Square a few years back, it was without the money he’d stolen, well most of it anyway. He still wasn’t sure what had happened exactly. However, he knew once he was stopped and searched at the port, that Mel knew he didn’t have it anymore. Ultimately, he thought he was free.

There was a lot that went on after he left too, but that seemed like old news. He’d come back to the Square determined to show his dad how strong he was, that he could bring anyone down if he wanted. It didn’t work like that. It never did. Once he was face to face with Phil again, he just turned back into the same little boy that he always was. That little kid that turned up on his Dad’s doorstep after being told his mum was dead, hoping for love and never being able to find it.

Then there was Callum. He didn’t mean to fall for him. He hadn’t wanted to fall for anyone. Thinking back in his brain, Ben didn’t even understand how it happened. There was something intriguing about Callum, that stood out like a beam of light in a fog, and it was like everyone else was walking by and not noticing it. For some reason, Ben could see.

It had started as just wanting to toy with him a little, nothing huge, but trying to get a reaction. Trying to uncover the mask a little to see what was underneath. Before he knew it, he didn’t hold the power anymore. He probably never did. The mask had slipped off and Ben was enchanted by what he saw, mesmerised, and no matter what he tried, he couldn’t look away.

Stuart beating him up at Pride gave a little wake up call though. To everything. He’d been trailing after Callum hoping for something that wasn’t looking likely. He’d been circling around his dad in the same way, still searching for scraps and barely getting a morsel. Lola was going back to Newcastle to visit some friends and he decided to tag along. It would get him out the Square, give him a chance to reset his head and connect with a few business associates he knew up there.

While he was there, he was walking to a meeting about a sweet deal on a fleet of cars for the business. Before he knew what was happening, he was pressed into a wall with a gun to his back. He remembered letting out a chuckle to himself as he was led to a car and had a hood put over his face. Trouble seemed to follow him. Or maybe he followed it. He was never quite sure.

There was a little surprise however, when after a few hours drive, he was taken to a building where they finally pulled his hood off. He was surrounded by at least five men, all of them standing straight with military precision in their posture and focus. There was no point trying to run. He wouldn’t get far.

In the centre, was a face he thought he wouldn’t see again. Aiden Maguire, there complete with an audacious smile and presence. He hadn’t had much to do with him when he was on the Square, his dad kept him out of pretty much everything to do with the heist that he, Maguire and their motley crew had taken part in. That gave Ben the perfect opportunity. People never really got the measure of him, and he was able to steal from right under their noses.

During that meeting, Ben had tried to hold his own, a snarky comment here and there, and pretending that being surrounded by men who were probably armed to the hills and had itchy trigger fingers didn’t scare him. He found out that against all odds, Maguire had joined forces again with his ex-wife Ciara, the woman who had sent Mel after him. Ben was sure that the reconciliation wouldn’t last long, and he said so in a few choice words, earning him a swipe across his cheek. He still had the marks from being beaten up at Pride, so it was just one more to add to the collection.

Maguire made it clear that he and the wife were still a bit peeved, to say the least, at him stealing their money. This time he didn’t comment on the fact that they were trying to take it from each other, long before he ever came along. It didn’t matter that Ben only ended up with a little of it, not to them. It was the principle of the matter. He had got away with making them look like fools and he needed to pay for that.

There was a proviso though. If Ben agreed to do a little work for them in London, then he could repay the debt. Maguire had even made it sound like they were partners, though Ben knew he was trying to appeal to his ego. It had worked. With everything that had gone on the past few months, Ben wanted to show that he didn’t need anyone. That he could stand on his own and push his emotions away. Maguire couldn’t go back to the city, not after how he’d been chased out. Ben would do the work for him, use his associates to get the gear that the man provided out and about. A few things here and there that fell off the back of lorries, perhaps a couple of cars where the paperwork had disappeared. Nothing he hadn’t done before. Most the money would go back to Maguire, but he’d be able to keep a little.

Ben opened his mouth to tell Jay all about it but stopped before the words trickled out. It was his mess. It was an agreement he had made when he thought he had nothing and no one else that he truly cared about. When he still had itchy feet, and wasn’t convinced that he needed to stick around in Walford for too long. It was a regret he had. One he couldn’t get out of, that he just needed to play out and hope it could all just disappear when he had paid back what he owed. Selling on the gear wasn’t as easy as he first though, and he was worried that he may not achieve the target he’d been set.

“It’s fine,” Ben said, after a moment of thinking through Jay’s question. He couldn’t bring the people he cared about into his mess. “You know me, mate. Just a bit of drama. Nothing I can’t sort.”

At some point he passed out on Jay’s sofa, waking up in the morning with a stain of drool underneath his mouth, a splitting headache and a heavy heart.

Now sitting on this beach, in the cold and the wet, he wished he’d told him everything. It had all snowballed since that moment. He thought he had lost Callum then. He wasn’t entirely sure he hadn’t lost him now. Ben played with his keys in his hands, needing something to occupy his fingers as they were numbing due to the coldness of the morning air. He stopped suddenly, looking at them as he remembered something that Callum said earlier. He placed them back in his pocket and pulled out his phone instead.

The voice in the back of his head told him it was a bad idea, but he scrolled through the numbers and pressed dial. “I know what you did and how you got in my flat,” he said to Buzz Cut’s voicemail. “You’ve stopped everything against me now, yeah? You go after this other guy that stole their precious ring. I just want to live my life.”

After hanging up, he regretted it immediately. The inebriation fuelling his need to make the call in the first place. A few seconds later, his phone beeped with a message. It was from Buzz Cut; he opened it up.

_Already done_

Ben breathed a sigh of relief. He could let Callum settle down for a few days, then go back and apologise profusely. He could say with a clear conscience that he wasn’t involved in anything and the bloke Stuart saw him with was just a car dealer who though thought that Ben had undercut him.

Scrabbling to his feet, the stones felt weighty under his feet as they tried to press into the soles of his boots. Ben made his way along the promenade, back towards the Bed & Breakfast. He pushed the front door open with a bang, glaring at the attendant who was giving him the same look in return, and walking towards the room. Stopping suddenly, he realised that he didn’t have the key. Reluctantly, he made his way back the reception desk, requesting a spare. The sullen man passed it over with a roll of his eyes. Before Ben could reply with a comment, the office phone started to ring, so he left him to it.

As soon as he got into the room, Ben threw his jacket onto the floor and collapsed onto the bed. He had just lay down for a few moments as the light started to peek through the curtains. After a minute of laying on his back, he started to roll over towards Callum’s side of the bed. He buried his head in the pillow, clinging on to it with his hands. He knew it was childish, but he didn’t care.

Breathing in, Ben realised that he could faintly pick up on Callum’s scent. It was quickly disappearing though, as his senses became used to it and made it seem natural, blurring in with the rest of the room. He hated how it felt like another loss. He shuffled his head around in the pillow, trying to pick up on it again, wanting something or anything to make it feel like he was there with him.

A crackle sounded under the pillow, bringing him out of his quest for a moment. Ben reached underneath, putting his hand next to the mattress and searching around, stopping when his fingers brushed some paper. Bringing out his hand with the object inside, he discovered it was an envelope, slightly crumpled from where it had been stashed hurriedly.

Vaguely, he recognised it as having seen it before. He turned it over and read Callum’s name with the address of their flat on the front in neat, blue handwriting. Ben traced his finger over his boyfriend’s name, then the address. They had joked about giving the flat a name, like old couples did with the house they retired in. Ben said that with him, Callum and Jet living there, they should call it ‘Lost and Found’.

Ben lay back down on the pillow, holding the envelope close to his chest. It was empty of course, he knew where the contents were, he just didn’t know what they were. He’d have to sleep here without Callum. He hated that. They were both cut from a similar cloth thankfully; they didn’t want space in bed, they would both huddle up together. It came from that feeling of being alone for so long. The fear of finally finding someone, and then them disappearing if you let go for just a second. The thought of Callum tonight, alone in their bed by himself in their flat broke his heart. What if he had a bad dream? Or another panic attack? He’d be all alone. They were getting worse, but Callum would just shut off every time he tried to talk to him about it.

He noticed that his boyfriend’s half eaten sandwich was still sitting on the night stand from the night before. He wouldn’t have had anything else, and there was nothing left in the flat. Ben just hoped he went round to Mick and Linda’s; he knew they’d look after him. Otherwise he wouldn’t eat all day. He never did when he was stressed. This was all Ben’s doing. It was all his fault. He thought he pushed away Callum to keep him from worrying, but he’d just made things worse. The same as he always did.

Ben’s eyes began to flutter shut, as the ceiling of the room was rocking to and fro, almost lulling him into slumber. His mind began to drift off with the waning alcohol buzz. The dull thud circulating his head, was soon replaced with a loud banging as there was a knock at the door that shattered his bubble. The sound was relentless, and Ben pushed himself up off the bed to stagger towards the door.

As soon as he turned the handle, it bounded open and Lola stormed into the room, coming to stand in front of Ben with her hands on her hips. “What have you done?” she screeched in a tone that pierced right into his brain.

Shuffling back into the room, he sat down on the bed with his head in his hands. “Where’s Lex?” he asked, ignoring her question.

Following him further into the room, Lola, gave him a demanding look. “She’s watching cartoons next door,” she explained, her tone unforgiving. “Don’t try and change the subject! What you done to Callum?”

Ben raised his head, unsure how she knew anything. “Ain’t done anything,” he muttered, looking down to the ground. His curiosity got the better of him though. “He call you?”

“No, he transferred some money into my bank,” she replied, and Ben looked at her with confusion. “I messaged him to ask what was going on and he said he’d taken the car and wanted to make sure we all had enough money to get the train back home.”

Ben nodded. The act didn’t surprise him, nor the fact that he’d given it to Lola. “Is he ok?” he asked quietly.

“He’s your boyfriend, Ben! Why you asking me?” she enquired, and something about her tone showed that she knew a little more than she was letting on. “He’d stopped at a service station on the way back to Walford when he was messaging me. He said he weren’t sure if you wanted him no more.”

Sighing deeply, needing the breath in his body as his lungs constricted painfully, he felt his eyes sting and well with tears. “Of course I do,” he said, his voice almost a whisper. “I want him to come back.”

“Well, he’s bombing his way up the motorway as we speak, so I’d get on your phone quick if I were you,” she replied. When Ben didn’t move, she squinted her eyes at him. “Unless there’s a reason why he wouldn’t come back? What have you done? You ain’t cheated, have you?”

Ben shook his head. “I’d never,” he said firmly, before rubbing his nose with his hand. “I made him think it though.”

Lola threw her hands in the air, letting out a huff of frustration. “Why’d you make him think that?” she asked, but continued before giving him a chance to answer. “He’s the best thing that’s happened to you, Ben. You won’t do any better! He won’t find anyone better for him either.”

Ben coughed out a wry laugh. “Yeah, I’m a real catch,” he replied waving his hand towards himself to show what a state he was in.

Wrinkling up her nose, Lola’s conviction didn’t seem to change. “Yeah, well most people would run a mile and be right to!” she explained. “But you’re good for him, Ben. You got him through all that stuff with Whit and the coming out, you give him confidence and accept him for who he is. I don’t reckon he had that from no one before you.”

Before Ben could answer, Jay came bursting through the door, looking between them both solemnly. “There you are,” he said, slightly out of breath. “I just popped out to get some breakfast and the guy at the desk caught me on the way in. You know Callum’s gone?”

Ben groaned and lay back down on the bed. “What, does he want us to pay a single occupancy rate now there’s one less of us?” Ben mumbled, his headache still thumping through his mind. “Tell him to jog on.”

There was silence for a minute, and Ben raised his eyes to look at Jay who was chewing at his lip nervously, before he came to sit next to him on the bed. “The man on the desk got a call,” he said quietly, putting his hand on Ben’s arm. “Apparently Callum still had your room key with the B&B number on it, so the police gave the guy a ring.”

Quickly sitting up, Ben suddenly felt a punch at his chest, building and building with a knowledge and sense of what had happened. “What you talking about?” he asked Jay, though he didn’t want to hear the answer.

“Mate…there’s been an accident.”


	10. Two Debts

Ben gulped down the last of his coffee, the bitter taste helping to ground and centre his mind a little. It also took away the putrid smell of the hospital. For all the time he’d spent here over his years, he still couldn’t get used to the dominating scent; the citrus disinfectant mixed with watery vegetable soup. It lingered in every corridor, every crevice and every memory.

Jay patted his knee comfortingly. His brother could sense his anguish and panic, but didn’t need to say anything. He just watched as Ben squeaked about nervously on his plastic covered chair, the shape of the cushion moulded into disfigurement after years of use. Years of people waiting, tick after tick to hear the news they were dreading. Whether the final result ended up being positive or not, those weren’t the thoughts that swirled around in your head. It was always the worst possible one. The ones that would scar irreversibly, those were whispers that you thought about. The ones that were most likely to be true given the circumstances.

There was only so long that Ben could sit in the same chair, so he kept on jumping out and pacing down the corridor, never straying too far for fear of missing some news. The had arrived at the hospital around half an hour ago now. When they first asked at the reception desk, the woman at the computer hadn’t been able to find Callum on the system and Ben’s heart lurched into his mouth at the thought something had happened on their way here. Thankfully it had just been an error, the worker finding him and pointing them in the direction of the ward.

When Jay had told him there had been an accident, he thought that was it. Callum would be dead and he’d never get the opportunity to see him again. A million different thoughts were running through his head and all of them regretful. Ben hadn’t moved, he just stayed sitting on the bed, not knowing what to do or what to focus on. Emotions were striking him so hard that they left him instantly numb. It wasn’t until Lola sat down and held his hand that his body unfroze.

He’d looked up to see Jay on the phone, though he couldn’t make out the conversation. He just focused on the collar of Jay’s shirt and how it was slightly tucked in. When his brother hung up from the call, he did so with a slight face of relief. “Right, well from what I could gather he’s been taken to a hospital just outside of London, about half hour drive from home,” he said. “I’ll run out and see if I can rent us a car. You two start packing up.”

“He’s alive?” Ben asked, the words barely croaking out.

Jay stopped on his way to the door, coming back and kneeling in front of Ben. “He’s alive,” he confirmed with a decisiveness to his voice. “I don’t know much more than that but let’s be hopeful, yeah?”

Ben has simply nodded as Jay had headed to the door. He wasn’t much help in packing up anything; he couldn’t go through Callum’s things and start putting them in the case like he was packing them away forever. Eventually, Lola sent him next door to sit with Lexi as she grumbled about the suitcase practically breaking in two and having to tape it up again.

There he sat with his daughter, pulling her onto his lap and vacantly staring at the screen as she giggled at the tv show that was keeping her attention. He didn’t feel quite there though. He felt incomplete, just like a shell of a being that was missing its soul. Everything felt dull and drained of its colour, when his memory was sure it was filled with vibrancy just a few days before.

By the time Lola had packed all their things, Jay had arrived back with a rental car, explaining that he practically had to beg the place as they weren’t supposed to open for another half an hour. Ben was grateful. He knew his friend would have done anything to made sure they got back as quickly as possible.

When they got in the car, Lexi had kicked up a fuss at the fact they were leaving their holiday early. Both he and Lola agreed not to tell her about Callum, not until there was a bit more news, so there were plenty of tears and hysterics for most of the journey back. Ben felt even more guilty as he didn’t even try to discipline or placate his daughter. He just let Lola deal with it. That was the story of his life, wasn’t it? Let other people take the fall for his actions.

When they started to approach the hospital that Callum was staying in, Jay pulled into a supermarket carpark, giving a quick wave to a car approaching in the opposite direction. He’d called Kathy, explaining the situation and she’d agreed to come and get Lexi. There was no discussion about Lola and Jay taking her home; Ben knew that they were worried about leaving him alone and wanted to stay.

As soon as the other car stopped, his mum had leapt out of the passenger seat, as Ian stayed steely faced at the window. Ben got out the car, and helped out his daughter, taking her hand firmly. Lexi’s mood picked up a little when she saw Kathy, running into her arms, with her grandmother promising to take her for hot chocolate and cake on the way home.

There weren’t any words shared between Ben and his mum, and he was grateful. Not just because he didn’t want to worry Lexi, but because he knew that if she said anything he would break down, right here in the middle of Tesco carpark. And once he was gone, that would be it. He had to be strong for Callum. Kathy simply lifted her hand up and stroked his cheek, and that was enough.

Ben smiled up at Lola as she handed him another flimsy hospital paper cup. Taking a sip, the excessive temperature sizzled at his tongue. “It’s chamomile tea,” she replied, when he looked up at her in question. “It’ll help settle you a bit. Figured you’d had enough caffeine.”

“You think I’m going to take a swig of this and then dissolve into a hippy daze? Callum’s hurt, Lo!” he responded harshly, before the anger shook out of him quickly. “I’m sorry. Thanks for this.”

“We’re here for you Ben, yeah. He’s our friend too and we care about both of you, ain’t that right, Jay?” she asked her boyfriend, as he sniffed the cup she handed him suspiciously. “Yours is just normal tea with sugar! Like I’d buy you anything you can’t spell!”

“Mr Mitchell?” a voice called out from behind them. Ben turned his head to see the doctor he had accosted when they first arrived on the ward. He passed the cup he was holding to Lola with a shaky hand. “I’ve got some news on Mr Highway.”

The door was heavy as he pushed it open, the lights lowly dimmed in the room. Ben tried to walk in as quietly as possible. The move didn’t quite make sense to him, but it’s what you did when someone was unwell. The doctor had said that Callum was unconscious, that he’d been lucky and they didn’t think there would be any lasting damage. He was bumped and bruised all over, but nothing serious. He hadn’t been awake or alert when he had arrived at the hospital, and the doctors were worried about damage to his head.

In the hallway, the doctor had explained he was still unconscious, and the drugs they had given him would mean he would stay that way for a few hours. They wanted to keep him in for a few days just to make sure he didn’t have any further internal injuries. Ben had almost hugged her on the spot, but was too focused in wanting to see Callum.

Though he wanted his boyfriend to wake up, he still tiptoed over to the bed. Callum had a graze down the side of his face, and a mottled plum gleam near his eye that was sure to bruise. The sight of those things wasn’t what Ben hated most though. It was the fact that Callum was still.

Callum was never still, there was life pouring out of him in every single way. For someone who had to hide who he really was for so long, it was astounding at how much emotion and spirit that Ben could see on his face and through his movement during every moment of every day. He radiated with it, this energy that was enticing and intoxicating.

Placing out a hand, Ben carefully laid it over Callum’s chest, feeling the small rise and fall there. He did that when he slept sometimes, when he was at peace. Ben would just lightly brush his fingers against him, trying to follow the same rhythm with his own breathing.

Ben locked around and pulled out a chair from the corner of the room, the scraping sound seeming intrusive in the quiet room. The steady beeping of the machines that Callum was hooked up to was buzzing in his ears. The inhuman sound signalling that they were only one slight complication away from everything being ready to come crashing down.

Taking Callum’s fingers in his, he gently brushed them up and down with his own, one by one. He didn’t know if Callum would know he was here or not, but if he was aware, then Ben thought he’d recognise this movement. Maybe he’d wake up with a smile and twinkling eyes like he did when Ben usually did this in the dawn of a morning.

After sitting there for who knows how long, the door squeaked open intrusively and Jay popped his head round. “Mate,” he whispered, as he looked towards Callum and swallowed deeply. “There’s some people here to see you.”

Ben furrowed his brow at his brother, but he’d already disappeared by the time he opened his mouth to ask who it was. He got up, leaned over and gave Callum a kiss on the forehead, brushing his hair back into place. He knew it was unimportant in the grand scheme of things , but he could imagine his boyfriend waking up and being annoyed that his hair was out of place. He hoped that’s what would happen anyway.

Making his way outside, he half expected to see Stuart, or perhaps his mum come to see how Callum was doing. He wondered if anyone had told Stuart. As much as it pained him to say so, he deserved to know. Despite everything, he did love his brother. He may not always do the best for him, but Callum was the one thing that maybe Stuart would always love.

Standing next to Jay was a man and a woman, smartly dressed and looking round warily. Ben had been around the block enough times to identify the police when he saw them. His heart sunk a little. With the work he had been doing for Maguire recently, he knew he would have been under the scrutiny of the law at some point. It was inevitable. He had expected them to come knocking for months, truth be told. It was only a matter of time.

“Mr Mitchell?” the female asked, stepping forward and holding out her hand. “I’m Detective Inspector Hartnett and this DC George. Could we have a moment of your time?”

Ben looked curiously at the outstretched hand. Of the many times that Ben had been arrested, at no point was he offered a friendly handshake before they forced his arms behind his back and slapped the cuffs on. He reluctantly took her hand and gave it a loose shake, half expecting to be shoved against the wall and read his rights if he held it too tightly.

“I don’t want to leave him alone for too long,” Ben said, pointing in the direction of Callum’s hospital room, even though he wasn’t sure if they realised what he was doing here.

Hartnett smiled comfortingly at him and motioned for them to sit down on the chairs littering the corridor. “I understand, this must be a troubling time,” she said with a softer voice. “We wanted to talk to you about Mr Highway’s crash.”

It clicked for Ben then. They weren’t interested in what dodgy deals he did or that fact he’d been in and out of cop shops so many times he needed a revolving door put in. All they saw was a distressed boyfriend of an accident victim. These weren’t Walford coppers, they didn’t know him or his family.

“Do you know what happened yet?” Jay asked sitting down next to them and Ben was grateful. He wasn’t sure how many words he could get out at the minute, and Lola must have gone to get another drink or ring Kathy to check in on Lexi. “The copp...the police officer I spoke to on the phone said his car had hit a tree.”

“We wanted to get a little background, if that’s ok,” DC George said, opening up his notepad. “Do you know if there were any problems with Mr Highway’s car. Had it been checked over recently?”

“I gave it a once over before we left for Hastings,” Ben replied, knowing that the car was in good working condition. It was carrying his whole family, all the people he loved most in the world. He’d never take any risks. “I’m a mechanic, so I’d be able to tell if there was anything wrong. It was running fine.”

“I had a look at it yesterday, after the rain,” Jay interrupted. “It was just going to be sitting there for a few days, so I gave it the once over for something to do when my girlfriend was having a kip. There was nothing wrong with the car.”

“And how about Mr Highway,” DI Hartnett started. She stopped for a moment as if trying to choose the right phrasing for the words. “How was he feeling the last few days.”

Ben swallowed slightly, knowing what the implication of the question was. “We’d had a row,” he confessed willingly. “He was upset, yeah, but he wouldn’t do anything stupid. He’s a really careful driver, he’d stop if he felt he couldn’t concentrate properly.”

“Yeah, they’re always rowing. If he stopped driving every time those two had a bust up, he’d be living his life on the number 9 bus,” Jay offered, then noticing the glare Ben sent his way. “Not that that they don’t get on most the time. If they ain’t fighting, they’re…well they love each other, don’t you?”

Ben shook his head towards his well intentioned friend. “Mate, would you go get me another cup of that tea Lo got me before?” he asked.

Jay nodded in agreement. “Can I get you anything?” he asked the police, before heading down the corridor once they’d signalled they didn’t.

Ben looked back towards the detective and leaned forward. “He wouldn’t do anything stupid, the car was fine when he left and he drives like a sixty year old woman,” he said with conviction. “Whatever happened, it weren’t down to him, which I think you know. Was there another car?”

The two officers looked towards each other. “We’ve checked CCTV and there were no other cars around him. Mr Highway seems to have lost control of the vehicle,” Hartnett replied, before looking towards her colleague, in two minds as to whether reveal some information they had. “We’ve done an initial assessment of the car. There seems to be a problem with the breaks.”

Ben shook his head vigorously. “No way,” he replied. “I checked that car over. Everything was working fine. There’s no way the breaks would deteriorate in that time. Besides Jay checked it out the other day too and that would be the first thing he’d look at.”

Hartnett hesitated again. “We think the breaks were probably fine when Mr Highway left Hastings,” she replied. “The damage doesn’t seem to be naturally formed. They appear to be have tampered with, quickly and to have an immediate effect. I hate to ask, but do you know if Mr Highway had any enemies?”

Ben leaned back. This wasn’t anything to do with the car, this wasn’t anything to do with the row or some maniac on the road. This wasn’t about Callum. This was all to get at Ben. He knew whose work this was.

Ben tried ringing the number again, but the call just clicked out before even ringing. The number had clearly been disconnected, and he felt like hurling the phone in frustration. There was now no way of contacting Buzz Cut, no way of calling the Maguires and no way of getting back at them for what they did to Callum.

The air outside the hospital was still balmy, though there was a slight force in the air that suggested Autumn wasn’t a far journey away. Once the detectives had left, he’d gone to sit back in Callum’s room, whispering words of apology and begging him to wake up. The feeling he had when he found out that Callum was hurt had now multiplied once he realised it was all his fault.

There was part of Ben that felt foolish; the fact that he had believed Buzz Cut’s words when he told him it was all over and he had repaid the debt, and he was now going after the guy with the ring. He realised that text he received on the beach, _‘All Done’_, must have meant that the final payment was all done. That being the attack on Callum’s life. He had tried to take away something that meant the world to him.

Ben leaned back against the wall. He’d come outside to try and make the phone call and to get some fresh air, the atmosphere in the hospital stifling. He breathed in deeply, the last of the season’s pollen tickling his nose and whirling around his head. Closing his eyes, he let the warm sun beam down in him.

Without warning, he felt his head slam back harshly against the bricks. Popping open his eyes, Ben wasn’t surprised to see a grizzled gaze and a snarled mouth just inches away from his face. “What have you done to my brother?” Stuart spat out, his fingers tight around the Ben’s shirt.

Ben hit the man’s arm away from him and gave him a little shove. “He was in a car accident, Stuart,” he explained. He’s asked Jay to call Callum’s brother earlier, as much as it pained him to admit, he needed to be here. “He’s stable, but still unconscious.”

Stuart stumbled back a bit and ran his hand over his face. Ben almost felt sorry for him. There was care and love there, just masked with fists and aggression. Ben knew all about that. “What were he doing down this way?” he asked. “I though you was in Hastings till next week. You weren’t in the car with him?”

Pausing for a second, Ben started to look down, scuffing his foot against the ground. “He was on his way back home a bit early,” he explained in a quiet voice. “I was still in Hastings.”

Though he wasn’t looking, he recognised the superiority in Stuart's laugh, “You had another barney? Again?” he said, accusingly. “Getting a bit of a habbit, ain’t it? What did you do this time?”

There was part of Ben that appreciated Stuart’s accusations, that felt they were truthful and he deserved every tiny little critique that was thrown at him. The guilt in him could react in funny ways, and perhaps wanted to provoke an argument. “I weren’t the one who told him his boyfriend was cheating!” Ben spat back with clenched teeth. “I ain’t the one who saw me with a man and who’s brain automatically thought that cause I’m gay, I must be banging him on the side!”

“Weren’t you?” Stuart said with his eyebrows raised. “I saw you up against the wall-“

“You just had me against the wall!” Ben replied loudly, lowering his voice when a nurse walked by. “You trying to tell me something?”

Stuart started to shake his head. “It ain’t just that! Look at what’s happened to him,” he said, pointing in the vague direction of the hospital. “He was happy before you came along. He was fine.”

“No he weren’t!” Ben shouted back. “No he weren’t! The life we grew up with, Stuart. You, me and him. The family life we had; how could you be alright? He’s been holding everything in for so long. All that pain about coming out, everything he went through in the army and all. You were all so concerned that he looked alright, that you weren’t hearing him scream!”

“What and you came in and saved him did you?” he scoffed back. “The heroic Ben Mitchell! Do me a favour! He had people who loved him before you came along!”

“I never said you never loved him,” Ben said quieter now, the fight leaving him. “You just didn’t see him. He was that good at hiding who he really is. He still is; I don’t claim to know every little thing about him. He surprises me every day.”

“He’s my brother, Ben,” Stuart said, moving to lean against the wall next to him. “I’d do anything for him. I’d hurt anyone that caused him any pain or threatened to harm him.”

Ben nodded along. “Well, that makes two of us then,” he replied. “You should go see him. Sit with him for a bit.”

Stuart gave him a small nod in acknowledgement. It wasn’t forgiveness and it certainly wasn’t acceptance, but it was an agreement. That Callum was the most important thing in both their worlds, and they’d stop anyone that came in the way of his happiness. Including each other if necessary.

Ben went to get a cup of coffee from the cafeteria, but found himself sitting there for an hour. Lola and Jay had gone home, on his insistence, to check on Lexi and make sure she wasn’t too upset. As it turned out, she was sitting on the sofa with Ian and Kathy, eating a huge packet of sweets and having a marathon of Disney films and couldn’t be happier.

Picking at the side of his disposable cup, Ben looked at his watch again. He didn’t want to disturb on Stuart’s time with his brother, but at the same time he hated the distance between him and Callum. Before he came down here, he let the nurse know where he would be if anything happened or there was any news. All had been quiet so far, but he couldn’t stay away any longer. Lola had suggested he drive back with them, get a fresh change of clothes and have a shower, but he couldn’t. He knew he would still stink of whiskey and the beach, but he didn’t care what anyone else thought.

Throwing the cup in the bin, he started to stroll back up towards the ward. As he arrived, he saw Stuart pace nervously outside. He picked up his stride then, wanting to know what the problem was. “What’s happened?” he asked, as he approached the man, kicking himself for leaving the ward in the first place.

“He’s started to wake up,” Stuart said, though his face looked like he had seen a ghost. “I was just talking to him, reading him the football scores from my phone and I saw his hand move. I thought I was imagining it at first, but then his eyes started to open. Doctor’s in with him now.”

Ben felt his adrenaline pick up suddenly but tried to squash the hope that rose up. He didn’t want to assume everything would be ok yet. Fate already had him scorned in her sight, he didn’t want to tempt her wrath even further. He started to tap his hand against the chair, the sound echoing in the quiet corridor, the speed picking up with the racing of his heart.

The sound of the door squeaking open stopped his movement straight away, and he held his breath as the doctor came out of the room. She looked between Stuart and Ben, as if she was wondering who to address first. “Mr Highway is now conscious,” she said, speaking to them both. He heard Stuart exhale deeply, but the air was still catching in his own throat, waiting to see what else she had to say. “He is still a bit groggy, but out of the woods. We’re going to keep him in at least overnight, just to be sure, but everything is looking good.”

“He’s going to be ok, Doc?” Stuart repeated, as if he couldn’t quite believe it. Ben felt the same sentiment.

The doctor smiled and nodded. “Well he won’t be running a marathon for the next few weeks, but he’ll make a full recovery.” She moved her eyes between the two of them, trying to decide something in her head. “Ben? Mr Highway would like to see you.”

Ben swallowed and started to head towards the door. He didn’t understand why he was nervous. The doctor had basically given Callum the all clear. It didn’t do anything to dampen his guilt though. He understood what could have happened. This was just luck. He couldn’t let that happen again.

When he entered the room this time, the light was on and it immediately felt brighter. The head of the bed was partly raised, and Callum was sitting up slightly, though his eyes were still closed. Frowning slightly, Ben approached the bed slowly and ran his fingers along Callum’s hand. When he looked up, he was met with blue eyes.

“Hi,” he said, quietly linking their fingers together and softly smiling at his boyfriend. “First a van, now a car. You really got it in for the motors I give you, ain’t you?”

Ben was pleased when Callum let out a little laugh, and gripped his hand back. “That van was stolen!” he replied back, his voice husky and cracked. “How’s the car?”

“It’s got a large tree size dent in it according to the coppers,” Ben replied trying to keep the humour in his voice. When the police had told him the damage to the car, he’d almost been sick. There was no ambiguity in their suggestion that a few inches either way and Callum could have been killed on impact. It was easier to joke about, pretend it was some unlikely act. “I’m one hell of a mechanic, but I think I’m gonna struggle to bring it back to life. I’ve sent Jay down to attempt a bit of mouth to mouth through the exhaust!”

“I’m sorry,” Callum said, his voice still low. Still sad. “I’ll pay you back the money for it. It might take me a while, but I’ll get it all back to you.”

Ben frowned and then pulled his hand away. “What’s that supposed to mean?” he asked as Callum’s eyes darted away from him. “You don’t have to give me nothing. You’re my boyfriend.”

“Am I?” Callum responded, a little fierceness evident in his tone. “I thought you didn’t want anything serious. You said you wanted space.”

“That was bullshit and you know it!” Ben replied, trying to meet Callum’s gaze. Eventually the lack of eye contact frustrated him enough that he reached over, placing his fingers on his chin, and roughly turning Callum’s head towards him. “I was being an idiot, yeah? We had a row and I was lashing out. You know that, Callum. I know you know that.”

“All right then,” his boyfriend replied, wincing as he tried to sit himself up even further. “Tell me.”

Ben shook his head slightly, not really understanding the comment. “Tell you what?”

“What you wouldn’t in Hastings,” Callum confirmed, as Ben’s stomach dropped again. “Tell me what you wouldn’t then. Who was that bloke in the ally? What you been hiding from me?”

Ben ran his fingers through his hair in frustration and sighed. “This ain’t the right time, Callum,” he said firmly. “You’ve just woken up after being in a car crash.”

“The car didn’t crash,” Callum said with conviction. “There weren’t no one else about. I tried to brake and it wouldn’t work. I was heading towards this field, some farm with cows in, and I swerved into the tree. I know how that could have ended up, so I want you to tell me now. What’s going on, Ben?”

Now it was his turn not to look his boyfriend in the eye, he just looked down at the mottled grey of the hospital floor, the dull shine neutral against his gaze. He was silent. Now, more than ever he didn’t want to confess anything to Callum. How could he possibly tell him that he almost got him killed?

“Well there’s nothing more to say then is there?” he heard Callum say, and he wasn’t sure that his voice had ever been so cold. “Just go.”

It wasn’t until a tear dropped onto the grey floor that he even realised he was crying, the words had stung that much. “Cal-“

“Just go, Ben,” Callum continued. “I don’t want you coming back.”

The flat was quiet and it seemed sterile and empty. It didn’t feel like home. All around him was his things, all that he owned in the world and they didn’t mean anything. Ben was all alone here.

Even the first day they moved in, it had always felt like home, though most of their things were still in boxes or shoved away until they had time to find their proper place. Ben had put on the record player that he’d bought for them, pulled Callum up from the floor and they’d started to dance.

“We should finish unpacking,” Callum had whispered into his ear as they swayed gently to the music playing in the background. “Make this place feel like home.”

Ben gripped on tighter, not wanting any space between their bodies. “It does already,” he added.

He couldn’t stand to be there a moment longer, not without Callum. It wasn’t home, it wasn’t a comfort or a place of safety. It was just four walls filled of memories that were disappearing from his grasp.

It was his fault. All of it. Ben realised that he’d pushed and pushed Callum away in the hopes of keeping him near. It was a foolish, idiotic move, but the only card he knew how to play. Now it had lost him everything.

He thought back to his dad, how he’d grown up watching all his relationships playing out. All the secrets, all the lies. Ben had seen how he’d kept his life separate from his relationships. He’d make it clear to those women that there were things he didn’t discuss at home and they accepted it. Some quietly, some with tears, but in the end they’d always relent to him. They would resign to the fact that Phil didn’t share all his life with them.

That’s not what Ben wanted deep down, it was just all he knew how to do. There was something to learn from his Dad’s mistakes though. None of those women were still around, they’d all been pushed and pushed away. The façade of what was there had shattered with the distance that was palpable in the relationship.

Now, his Dad was alone. He was stuck in that big house all by himself. Louise had moved back with the baby, but when he had gone around before they’d left for Hastings the atmosphere was an unhappy one. They’d both lost the person they thought was faithful to them, and it was both because their relationships were based on lies, deceit and distrust. They weren’t real.

Sharon was still away, sunning herself on the other side of the world and Keanu was nowhere to be seen. It was Louise he felt the most sorry for. In her spirit of youth, she had waltzed into a relationship totally oblivious about the true character of who she was with. He’d hidden secrets from the start and strung her along to suit his own whims and protect his own feelings.

Ben hated the thought he had become that too. That he was like his dad, or Keanu, and just treated Callum in a way that best suited him. That wasn’t his intention, and he knew that his objectives hadn’t been to protect his own heart. His boyfriend had just been through so much, he didn’t deserve to carry Ben’s burdens as well. That didn’t seem fair.

Callum wasn’t one of his dad’s exes though. He wouldn’t just sit ideally by and accept Ben’s excuses without challenging them and he saw through Ben with a transparency that was overwhelming. It worked the other way as well, they both could sense when something wasn’t right and neither were willing to let it go. It made the relationship intense and powerful, but for two people who had been broken for so long, it wasn’t always easy.

Now, he’d screwed things up completely and he couldn’t see any way back. This had been simmering for a long time, the secrets he held, and ones he knew Callum had too. The way their relationship formed, they fell in love before even going on a date or considering a relationship. Everything was reversed and it was like an avalanche that kept building and there was no way either of them could stop it. They’d tried, but it was impossible. Now though, they were trapped under the snow.

Grabbing his jacket, he marched out the door into the Square. He couldn’t go to see Lola or Jay, they would just be full of questions and critiques, as well meaning as they were. The Vic was out too, with Mick and Linda wanting an update and wondering why he was there instead of with his boyfriend. The Albert was one place that was definitely out. He didn’t want to make any more mistakes, or have anyone else accuse him of cheating. Seeing the neon light calling to him, he headed towards the club instead.

There was a Hen party going on, so the atmosphere was full of shrieks and giggling. For some reason there was a DJ playing, probably as a requested part of the celebration, and his old fashioned tones over the microphone were already grating. That being said, Ben still staggered up to the bar to order a double vodka, knocking it back the second it was dropped in front of him.

“You know you’re the only guy in here, don’t you?” a voice said behind him. “Half the girls thought you was the stripper when you walked in. You’ve never seen such disappointed faces than when they saw it was you.”

He gazed to the side and signalled to the bartender to get them both a drink. “Where’s the Stag Party at? I could always go there. I’m sure I wouldn’t disappoint,” he replied with a smirk. “What can I get you, Whit?”

“G&T, please,” she replied to the waiting barman. “It’s Gina from the market’s Hen. She keeps on going on about how tomorrow’s going to be the happiest day of her life. Poor cow.”

Ben coughed out a laugh at that, as he looked over at his drinking companion. “You’re getting cynical in your old age,” he replied, clinking his bottle against her glass. “What happened to the Whitney who flew head first into a relationship convinced that he was her one true love?”

“She realised that she hadn’t even reached thirty and was giving Ian a run for his money in the wedding stakes,” she replied, taking a strong gulp of her drink. “I’m starting to realise that the perfect man and the perfect relationship don’t exist.”

“It does,” he replied, and the answer stunned himself as well as Whitney. “I mean, it ain’t perfect, nothing or no one is, but you can find the perfect person for you. The perfect relationship for you.”

“Yeah, well, I thought I had that last time, didn’t I?” she said raising a critical eyebrow at him. “Callum was the perfect boyfriend; kind, gentle and caring. He’d run around doing whatever I asked of him.”

Ben shook his head. “He was hiding from you, Whit,” he responded, trying to be gentle. “He was so obedient so you wouldn’t notice who he really was. Yeah, he is all those things you said, but he’s also feisty and passionate, and will complain for four hours if you leave your socks on the floor. He’ll talk his way through your favourite movie and give you puppy dog eyes until you let him have the last scoop of ice cream. He’ll storm off like a petulant child in the middle of an argument and he’ll just question you incessantly until you give in.”

Whitney smiled over at him knowingly. “Well if Ben Mitchell can find someone that makes him go starry eyed, then maybe there’s hope for me” she replied. “Don’t be offended if I don’t introduce you to him until my silver wedding anniversary though, eh?

Perhaps it was the alcohol, or perhaps it was an underlying understanding that they had between them, but Ben leaned over and gave her a kiss on the cheek. “Stay there,” he commanded, as he got up and went over to talk to the DJ, writing something down on a napkin as he went. When he returned, he grabbed her hand and pulled her to the dance floor. “Come on!”

As they walked to the centre of the club, the last track finished and the DJ started to talk again. “This next song is for Whitney from Ben.” he powered out through the microphone, reading from the napkin. “Stay strong, Whit and leave the past in the past. You’ll find someone who deserves you and I’ll…I’ll promise not to shag this one. This is Little Mix with Shout out to My Ex.”

Whitney looked at Ben with wide eyes for a second, before bursting into a fit of giggles starting to dance with him as the music kicked in. He continued on for a minute before pulling her in for a hug, clinging on tightly. “What’s that for?” she whispered into his ear.

“For making me realise what I’ve got,” he mumbled back into her hair. “And maybe I need to fly head first into it.”

He gave her another kiss on the forehead and left her on the dance floor, smiling and moving happily to the music as she was joined by some of the girls from the market. Checking his watch, Ben knew there was only one place he needed to go. Home.

The ward was dark and he tiptoed down the corridor as quietly as he could. As soon as he left Whitney, he went to grab a cab, not wanting to wait for the night bus to come along and creep its way to the hospital. If it had been Walford General, he would have walked, clearing the effects of the alcohol, but as Callum was still at the hospital near to the crash, he had to get a taxi.

Thankfully, there weren’t many staff around, the ones that were working were attending to patients, so he was able to walk past the nurses’ station without anyone noticing and slip into Callum’s room. The lights were dimmed, and his boyfriend was laying on his side away from Ben. He wasn’t asleep though, he could tell just by his breathing that he was still awake.

“Cows,” Ben said loud enough that Callum would have to hear him. “You crashed the car into a tree to avoid mowing down a field of cows, didn’t you?”

There wasn’t any movement at first, and he began to worry. “What was I supposed to do?” a voice mumbled back. “I ain’t just gonna plough through them and have them bounce off the windscreen!”

Ben waited to approach closer until Callum had rolled over and pulled himself into a sitting position. “I’ve seen you swipe down a 10 ounce steak on many an occasion, but suddenly you’ve gone all vegan and swerved to hit a tree so poor old Daisy didn’t get tire tracks on her,” he replied, pulling over the chair and sitting down next to the bed.

“Just get out, Ben,” Callum replied with a sigh. There was no conviction in it though. “What are you even doing here?”

“Someone reminded me of what a temperamental pain in the arse you were,” he started, as Callum began to shake his head. “And I realised it wouldn’t be fair for me to inflict that on anyone else. So I’m going to take one for the team and stick with you.”

Ben gave him a grin, but Callum was still looking sullen. “I’m being serious, Ben,” he replied. “You can’t just keep pushing me away and then expect me to keep coming back every time. It ain’t funny.”

“I’m not laughing,” he replied in a hushed tone, as he took Callum’s hand. He was pleased it wasn’t knocked away. That was a positive sign. “And I’m not leaving. You’re stuck with me and all.”

“Just the parts you want me to know though, yeah?” he replied wryly. “You want me just to nod along and be fine with the fact you’re hiding things.”

“That’s not what I want at all,” Ben responded, taking a deep breath. He was terrified with what he was about to do, and knew it could all end badly. “I want to tell you everything.”

Callum looked at him curiously, the way he always did when he was trying to figure out if Ben was telling the truth. “Why now?” he questioned. “Why not before?”

“Because I realised that I can’t be without you,” he said, linking their fingers tighter. “And maybe I won’t always have control of that, but if I have a choice then we’re going to be together. I’m gonna tell you everything and then if you don’t want me, then it’s out of my hands.”

“I’m always gonna want you,” Callum said, bringing his hand up to rub gently on Ben’s cheek. “But what I need is for you to be honest. Who’s that guy that Stuart saw you with in the ally?”

“He’s some lackey for a guy I was doing some work for. Some slightly not legal work,” he said tentatively. “I don’t know his name, but he was my main contact. I got into some debt, before I even knew you really, and I was paying it off by doing some jobs here and there.”

Callum nodded his head, but Ben couldn’t look him in the eyes. He didn’t want to see the disappointment that would be in his face. “Did you repay him? Did you clear the debt?” he asked.

“I thought I did, but sometimes I couldn’t do it on time,” he explained, chewing down on his thumb from his other hand. “And then when I’d repaid everything they still wanted more. This guy, he was the one that let Jet out that night. I don’t think he meant to kill her, but it still happened.”

“Why didn’t you tell me?” Callum asked, rubbing his thumb along Ben’s fingers. It was comforting in a way, but he felt guilty too. He didn’t deserve comfort, especially with what he was about to reveal.

“I thought it was all over,” he explained. He didn’t want to tell Callum that he didn’t want to put any worry on him. That wasn’t fair and this was on him in the end, for all the excuses he had made. It had been his choice. “He said it was over. Until this week.”

“The brakes on my car?” Callum guessed. He nodded in confirmation, the movement finally letting out a sob he didn’t know he was holding on. “So he ain’t done? This fella?”

Ben wiped his cheeks and nose on the back of his sleeve, and then found the courage to look up. He was surprised to see Callum’s face wasn’t filled with disgust or condemnation. That’s what he deserved and that’s what he felt about himself. “He’s done now,” he replied. “I can’t get back in touch with him. I think he’s gone to make someone else’s life a misery. I am so sorry, Callum.”

“All I wanted was you to be honest with me,” Callum replied, using his fingers to swipe away another tear from Ben’s cheek. “This all started before we was together, right? I can’t blame you for who you was when I weren’t around. Its over now, and that’s all that matters.”

“I almost got you killed,” Ben said, and he couldn’t seem to stop the tears that kept falling from his eyes. “That was all my fault.”

“Well, you and a herd of Friesians,” Callum said with a smile, though Ben could barely look at his bruised face. “My own fault for steering into a tree.”

“I don’t want to lose you,” Ben confessed. “I’m getting tired of us trying to run away from each other. It don’t work Callum. How many times have either of us tried to walk away, to keep away from each other? I don’t want to be away from you; it’s the only place I feel like myself.”

Ben got up from his chair and started to perch on the bed, giving Callum a little shove to signal for him to move over slightly. With a slight wince, he moved over to the other side of the mattress, giving Ben room to lie down. They lay there in each others’ arms, peppering kisses and touches in the dim light.

“I missed you,” Callum whispered, as he felt his eyes flutter closed.

Ben gave a little smile, as he felt his own eyelids grow heavy. “I missed you more.”

The nurses on the night shift must have looked in and seen them together, but thankfully felt sympathy with their situation and just left them be. However, as the sun started to creep through the window the nurse who seemed to hate Ben came on to shift. To be fair, she was on duty when Ben first got to the hospital when Callum was brought in and he hadn’t approached her in the best of moods. If he was in her position, he’s probably hit him awake with a sick basin and threaten to inset a catheter if he didn’t get his filthy shoes off the bed, as well.

With Callum laughing, as he was chased out the room, Ben went to the cafeteria to get a cup of coffee and a bacon sandwich. He was almost tempted to get one for Callum as well, but he sensed that the nurse would probably ban him permanently he if tried to sneak it in. After he finished eating, he stopped by the gift shop and then headed back to the ward.

When the nurse saw him approaching, she raised her eyebrows at him. He placed a box of chocolates in front of her and muttered words of apology and thanks for taking care of Callum. She glared at him slightly. “You sit in the chair. You let him get rest and if those filthy boots get within spitting distance of my clean sheets you’ll soon learn where the morgue is. Are we clear?” she said firmly.

After nodding his head, she signalled for him to go in. As Ben entered the room, he was pleased to see Callum sitting up and looking upbeat and alert, gazing at his phone. The grazes on his face and arms still made Ben wince as a reminder of what could have happened. “Stuart’s been telling everyone I’m in hospital. I’ve got loads of messages, some from Canning Town and a few old army mates that want to meet up at some point,” Callum explained brightly. “The nurse said I can go home today or tomorrow, depending on what the doctor says when she comes round later.”

Ben pulled the chair over to sit by the bed and then leant down and gave him a kiss on the lips. “Well, that’s good, ain’t it?” he replied with a smile. “Someone’s trashed our car though, so I hope you’re ready for the two hour walk home.”

Callum gave him a little slap on the arm. “If only I knew someone who had a whole forecourt of cars at his disposal,” he said with a grin.

“See! I knew you was just with me for my cars and money!” Ben responded rubbing Callum’s arm up and down. He let his smile drop for a minute though, a question reappearing in his mind. “Babe, what was in that letter you got the other day?”

The door suddenly burst open with a huge pink balloon appearing before anything else. “Surprise!” Linda screeched out as she bustled into the room. “Oh Halfway, look at your face!”

“That’s really going to make him feel better, ain’t it? Looking on in horror at his boat,” Mick said, as he appeared behind his wife. “How you feeling, son?”

“A lot better, cheers Mick. Hopefully be able to go home soon,” Callum said eyeing the item that Linda was waving about. “What’s with the balloon?”

“They didn’t have any ‘Get Well Soon’ ones in the shop,” Mick explained, pointing towards the ‘It’s a Baby Girl!’ balloon clutched in his wife’s hand. “But Elle insisted on getting one anyway.”

“It’s festive!” Linda exclaimed, placing the item down in the corner.

“He’s had a bump to his nut!” Mick countered back. “Not celebrating his bar mitzvah!”

Linda tutted at her husband, before going to give Callum a hug. “Well the important thing is that he’s alright, ain’t it?” she replied. “After what he’s done for us, we owe him.”

“That weren’t what you was saying when he was kipping on our sofa and pining over this one,” Mick said, gesturing towards Ben. “You wouldn’t shut up about the living room turning into Heartbreak Hotel.”

“Yes, alright, Mick!” Linda hissed back, before turning to smile at them both. “Don’t pay any notice to him, Halfway. You know you’re always welcome at The Vic. Our home is your home.”

“Well, actually it is his home technically, ain’t it?” Mick added in. “We would have been out on our ears a few years ago if it weren’t for him.”

Ben frowned slightly, not quite understanding the comment. “What do you mean?” he asked, and he noticed Callum looking down and licking his lips and Mick’s face suddenly drop.

“Well all that trouble we had with paying off the debt for the Vic,” Linda replied looking towards her husband who was shaking his head. “We couldn’t pay it; we were all ready to leave.”

“Yeah, I remember,” Ben said, thinking back. It was a little hazy in his head, but he knew about the financial difficulty, Mick trying to get the money by teaming up with his dad and Maguire. When he left Walford, they were still struggling. He hadn’t considered how they managed to stay. “What’s that got to do with Callum?”

“Well it’s down to him we got the money, weren’t it?” Linda said with a laugh, as Mick gripped her arm in warning.

“You gave them the money?” Ben questioned Callum. “That was what? A couple of hundred grand? You have a win on the lottery?”

Callum opened his mouth to speak, but no words came out at first. He gave a quick glance to his friends. “There was an old family heirloom that I sold. I know it’s a lot of money, but Mick and Linda are like family to me. They always looked out for me when I was a kid.”

“No I get it, I do,” Ben replied. He understood that when you had a bad childhood, those few people who showed you some care and love were the ones you trusted most and would do anything for. “A family heirloom, eh? What Stuart been tickling up the Antiques Roadshow in his spare time?”

There was silence in the room as the other three people looked at each other with questioning gazes. “It was his Grandad’s,” Mick said suddenly. “He was always hording up a load of gear, weren’t he, Elle?”

“Yes! Absolutely,” she replied a little too enthusiastically. “I always said that, didn’t I? I always said that you’d probably find the Holy Grail if you pottered around long enough in his attic.”

“So you discovered some Ming Dynasty vase amongst some old photos then?” Ben asked, wondering if the hint of suspicion he felt was creeping into his tone. There were alarm bells ringing, but he couldn’t quite put his finger on what. There were pieces of the mystery missing in his mind.

Callum gave a laugh. “No, nothing like that. It was just a bit of jewellery. A ring.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> @moodyblueangel on tumblr
> 
> @blueangel0909 on twitter


	11. Two Doors

The heat of summer had all but disappeared as a cool breeze blew gently through Ben’s hair. The Square was busy, and though milder, the sun was still shining brightly down on the market. Shivering a little, he pulled his jacket further around him and sat back on the bench letting the world just beat around his body. There was the feeling like he was sitting in a snow globe, and someone had just turned everything upside down and his life was floating in pieces around him.

Thinking back to the hospital yesterday, it felt like someone had just snapped in a piece of the puzzle. Although looking at it, the picture just didn’t make any sense. Mick and Linda had started talking yesterday like they assumed Ben knew about Callum providing them with the funds to keep the pub. Why wouldn’t they assume that? Giving away a couple of hundred grand to people you care about might come up in conversation with someone you’ve been going out with for a year. It was clear by the awkward looks that followed the confession, that there was more to it.

Linda has jumped up and started to tidy the hospital room, commenting about the outsourcing of the cleaners and using her finger to test for dust on the surfaces

“You didn’t know about it then?” Ben had asked, looking towards Callum who was picking at a thread on his sheet. “This ring of your grandad’s? He just kept it squirrelled away?”

“Yeah, well, he was a secretive man really,” Callum responded, his smile not reaching his eyes. “Do you remember when we found out he was running some underground poker tournament, Mick?”

The landlord gave a chuckle. “Yeah, that’s right! The old Highway Bellagio, trying to make Canning Town into the Las Vegas of the east end,” he replied, taking Callum’s cue. “He was running it out some backroom in the veteran’s centre. All the rest of the old geezers would be out front ballroom dancing to Bing Crosby, and Grandad would be out back flipping chips like he was Sinatra entertaining the Gambinos.”

“A right dark horse then?” Ben asked, and though he was using this opportunity to dig a little deeper, he couldn’t help but want to know more about Callum’s family as well.

“Oh, and what!” Mick commented. “Old war hero, looked like butter wouldn’t melt, but could have got away with murder if he needed to. Smart as a whippet that way, he was. Clearly it missed a generation or two though, as Jonno and Stuart are about as subtle as a brick wall!”

“He must have been good, if he could keep secrets from the ones he loved,” Ben inferred, watching as Mick and Callum shared a look. Before he could ask anymore questions though, the hospital door swung open.

“Oh, you’ve got a lot of visitors today,” the young doctor commented, squinting slightly at the bright pink balloon blocking her way. “I’m afraid I just need a few moments alone with Mr Highway though. Let’s see if we can’t get you home.”

Ben waited outside with Mick and Linda while the doctor was with Callum. Despite everything that happened today, he just wanted to get him home. He couldn’t deny there was some nerves there though. After the fight in Hastings, it still felt like a few things were lingering in the air. Both he and Callum were good at that; having a huge argument and then brushing the remains under the rug in their haste to be close again.

Thankfully the doctor gave Callum the all clear and was discharged right away, Mick and Linda giving them a lift back to Walford. Ben couldn’t help but notice that the radio was on loudly, and the landlord was singing along in full voice to prevent any further conversation. When they pulled up in front of their flat, they both gave Callum a hug before making a quick exit.

When they got inside, Callum gingerly made his way over to the sofa and slowly lowered himself on to it with an exhale. It had been a long week for both of them, and though there were so many things to talk through and so many things that needed to be done, Ben couldn’t help but go with what his impulses wanted. He made his way over the couch and sat down next to his boyfriend, curling himself into this chest.

Ben slowly stroked his fingers down the front of Callum’s shirt as he felt the hair at his neck being lightly tousled. Their breathing and up and down of their chests were in sync, and for the first time in a long time Ben felt himself relax, even if it was just for a moment. Even just for a minute.

When he opened his eyes, the room was in faded darkness, a dusky, smoky light creeping through the window. They fluttered shut again for a second as his brain tried to catch up. Ben’s cheek felt warm and his muscles were slumbered. Cricking his neck slightly, he peered up to see Callum still fast asleep, head resting on the back of the sofa and breath coming out in lazy exhales. Ben hadn’t seen him so soundly asleep for a long time. He suspected the drugs the hospital gave him were partly to blame, but maybe things were getting better as well. Perhaps he was through the worse of the torture his soul had been plaguing him with these last few months.

There was a buzz next to him, and Ben tried to fumble around to reach his phone. It was just a little out of his reach, so he tried to gently extricate himself from Callum’s arm. He stretched a bit as he shuffled down the other end of the sofa and looked at his mobile, the light from the screen feeling harsh against his eyes.

“Who is it?” a sleepy voice next to him asked. Ben could feel a hint of uncertainty there, of past lies and secrets causing the slight concerned tone.

“It’s just Lo,” Ben replied, turning his screen around so Callum could see. “She’s just checking how you are. She says Lexi wants to come over and see you tonight, but I’ll tell her to leave it a few days.”

“No, let her come round,” Callum said, leaning his body over the other way and resting his head on Ben’s shoulder. “It’ll be nice; you, me and Lex cuddled up on the sofa watching a movie. We can get a take away in. I’m fine Ben, honestly.”

“Alright, well I’ll remind you of that at seven tomorrow morning when she’s belting out songs from the Aladdin soundtrack,” Ben replied, typing back a message. “I’ll just have to wait another night to get you all to myself.”

Ben felt a hand move his chin down and he saw Callum’s light and passionate eyes look up at him. “I’ll always be yours,” he said, leaning up to give a quick peck on his lips. “But that don’t mean you can pick the movie, so don’t start getting any ideas.”

“Urrgh,” Ben replied with a moan. “I mean, how many of those Avenger films are there? We must have watched them all by now!”

As it turned out, it was Lexi who commanded the television. When she came into he flat, she threw herself towards Callum who lifted her up, though Ben could see the slight strain on his face. They had now been happily picking at the potato wedges from their take away, watching some animated film Ben had never heard of for the last hour.

“Daddy, what’s your favourite colour?” Lexi asked, chewing on her food, snuggled under Callum’s arm.

“I don’t know, darlin’” Ben replied, leaning over and grabbing the last piece of pizza from the box. “Depends on my mood.”

Lexi looked over at him, her mouth open, aghast at the response. “You have to have a favourite colour!” she said, plonking another wedge into the dip. “Everyone has a favourite colour! Callum’s is blue, because he wears a lot of blue. It’s like Mrs Marsden at school. She’s always wearing these yellow flowered dresses and going on about how she loves yellow like the sunshine. She never shuts up!”

“Yours is probably red by that assessment then,” Callum added in. “I open up our wardrobe and it looks like it belongs to Deadpool.”

“Babe, you know you’re the only person in the room who understands that reference, right?”

“What’s your favourite food then?” Lexi asked, her eyes lowering slightly as she yawned.

“Anything that stops moving long enough to put into his gob,” Callum said, before Ben had the chance to respond. He looked over slightly at his boyfriend with an affectionate smile.

“Do you want to rephrase that?” Ben replied, raising his eyebrows and giving a salacious grin back. “Speaking of which, you’re mouthy tonight. That better last till later.”

“You do eat alot,” Lexi replied, lolling her head against Callum’s arm, lifting one eye at Ben.

“Oh I’m being ganged up on am I?” he replied, giving Lexi a tickle. “You’re both going to give me a complex!”

His daughter giggled a little and he carefully leaned in closer, so he was cuddling up to them both. The bright animated images from the tv screen blared out to encase the room, and he just wanted to stop time at this moment.

“Daddy,” Lexi muttered, the sleep clear in her voice. “Who’s your favourite person?”

“Uncle Jay,” Ben replied without missing a beat. He quickly leaned back as both Callum and Lexi sat up and gave him matching offended looks. “I can’t think of who else I’d pick.”

Giving them both a mischievous smile, he snuggled back up to his two people.

This time when he woke up, it was pitch black in the room and he was stretched out on the couch. Ben sat up looking around a little. The television had been turned off and there was no sign of Callum or Lexi.

He cleared the sleep from his throat and pulled himself up, staggering slowly down the hallway. Ben pushed open the door to Lexi’s bedroom quietly and saw she was sound asleep, with her nightlight creating a soft glow in the otherwise darkened space. He pulled the door back closed, clicking it shut as quietly as he could.

Callum must have put her to bed once he had fallen asleep. It wasn’t the first time that had happened, but usually his boyfriend would ease his way back to the sofa, snuggling back to Ben’s side and falling into a rhythmic sleep.

Creeping along the hallway, Ben could see the dim flash of light peaking through their bedroom door. Poking his head around the corner, his eyes instinctively crossed to the bed, his forehead crinkling in confusion when he saw it empty. It wasn’t until then that his brain adjusted to what was in the room, rather than what he expected.

Over by the wall was Callum, sitting on the floor and tracing the carving that Ben had made of their names when they had moved in. His eyes were reddened, and his movements slow, almost dreamlike. Every time he saw Callum like this, he felt like a failure. He felt like this was all his fault and he didn’t know the right thing to do.

“You know I think if we ever move out, we might have a hard time convincing Jack that was there when we moved in,” Ben started, nodding towards the carving. Callum gave a quick quirk of his mouth, just to acknowledge he had heard Ben, but he didn’t turn his head. “Though I think he’d find some other way for shirking us out of the deposit anyway.”

Callum carried on tracing their names, and it was worrying to see. Ben wanted to ask if it was a bad dream or another panic attack, or something else bothering him. Before he could though, Callum spoke up. “Why did I carve on this wall?”

Ben was a little slighted by the question. “It’s our weird thing ain’t it?” he responded curiously observing his boyfriend. “Scraping our names together into things. First Hastings, and then the world, eh?”

Shaking his head slightly, Callum gave him a slight look his way. His eyes looked dulled, none of the usual sparkle and hope in them and it made Ben feel sick to his stomach. “Nah, I don’t mean it like that,” Callum replied, leaning back against the wall now, his tracing strokes seeming to have fulfilled their purpose. “I remember you sitting here before I scratched our names. Why this particular wall in our room?”

Widening his eyes at the unexpected question, Ben started to walk towards where his boyfriend was sitting. “I don’t know,” he answered honestly, dropping himself down to sit against the wall and mirroring Callum’s stance. “I don’t think we had one.”

“I know the reason,” Callum replied assuredly. “It’s because you can see the door.”

There was a part of Ben that wished he had been confused by Callum’s comment. He wanted to be able to reply that you could see the door from all the walls in the room, or make a witty comment about him being the one that needs glasses. But he couldn’t. He hated that he knew the inference behind the answer. He hated that he knew why he chose this wall, and he hated even more that Callum knew why.

“You and I would think that,” Ben replied, and he softly nudged Callum’s foot with his own. “We always think about that stuff without ever really thinking about it. Jet used to do the same thing. In any room she went, she’d lay down where she could best see the door but far enough away that she could jump up if anyone came in.”

“It’s an obvious place,” Callum conceded nodding towards where they were sitting.

Ben felt a little anger build up in him. “No, it aint!” he replied with a huff, rubbing his hand over his face. “Not to everyone! We just feel like it is because it’s what we know. Where did you used to sit? Where did you used to go and sit when you were a kid?”

Callum looked down at his hands and started to pick at his thumb a little. “In the bathroom.”

“Why there?” Ben asked though he knew the answer. He reached over to pull Callum’s hand away from where it was scratching at his own skin. “Why there? Most kids would say their bedroom, or the garden or sofa. Why did you used to sit in the bathroom?”

Linking his hand with Ben’s, Callum inhaled deeply. “Because it was the only room with a lock on it.”

“Right,” Ben confirmed with a nod of his head. “A lock for kids like us was like a breath.”

“It gave a warning but it didn’t last,” he agreed. “Do you remember that feeling? When the lock stopped them from coming in, but then they started to kick the door in and you knew it wouldn’t last?

“I remember the bang,” Ben mused, squeezing Callum’s hand. “That final kick that eventually burst through. It was like a pop; a balloon exploding. That always made going to kid’s birthday parties interesting. Well, not that I got a lot of invites anyway, so it was probably for the best. Bad enough being the weird kid with a hearing aid and glasses. Being the one that also crawls under the table after getting scared during a simple party game doesn’t really change many people’s opinion.”

“Your own little bubble was burst and you didn’t know what was going to come next,” Callum said, rubbing his thumb over Ben’s to let him know he understood. To let him know he was there. “Sometimes he’d just wreck my stuff, especially if Stuart was about. That hurt worse though, you know? I didn’t have a lot and all those little things meant something. They were the only things that were mine.”

“My dad smashed my CD player once,” Ben admitted, and he hadn’t thought about that moment for a long time. Hadn’t wanted to think about it. It was still always there, filed with the other memories that he tried to lock away behind an overflowing door. “I didn’t care about the player really, my gran had one I could use, but it had my favourite CD in it and it snapped in two. It was one I used to listen to with my mum when I was young.”

Callum squinted his eyes at him thoughtfully and his mouth upturned into a little smile. “It was the soundtrack to ‘West Side Story’ right?” he asked, a little twinkle appearing in his eyes.

“Yeah, alright Sherlock!” Ben grinned back, nudging Callum in his ribs. “Lucky guess! I mean it weren’t ever going to be Tupac was it?”

Callum nodded back, but his smile dropped a little, almost as if he was living Ben’s memory for him. “It’s a different kind of scar, those ones,” he concluded.

“Well we got plenty of the other kind too,” Ben replied. Neither of them had untainted bodies. There were scars on torsos, lingering on arms and hidden in faces. A lot of them came from prison for him, and from the army for Callum, but quite a few from long before those experiences. He always hated his own, deliberately turning away from them when he dressed or looked in a mirror, but he treasured Callum’s. He would kiss and soothe them, hating the stories that breathed off them. Knowing there had been fear. Knowing there had been pain.

“Sometimes it would be better if Stuart wasn’t really around, you know?” Callum replied. “He used to look out for me and take beatings, but I could never predict either of them. It was like there was two people to creep around. Not that Stuart would ever have hurt me, but he’d rile up dad a lot. It sounds weird, but when it was just me and dad, I knew that it couldn’t get any worse. When Stu was there, a bit of hope snuck in. When it was just me, I would just creep around expecting it to happen. Most days it didn’t, but it would always be there in the pit of your stomach.”

“It was the words that burnt the deepest,” Ben said, his eyes catching on small marks on both his and Callum’s hands. “Still do, I think. I can take a beating, that ain’t nothing in comparison. Or when your arm is pulled with such force you think it’s just going to pop right out of its socket. It was never just those things though. There would always be words that went with it. They stuck. They couldn’t be wiped off with a bit of witch hazel or dulled down with an ice pack. They wouldn’t scrub off.”

“You think no one else notices,” Callum suggests, before shaking his head slightly. “Well you do in a way; you think everyone is thinking those same things about you. All those words you hear over and over again, that hide and whisper in your mind. And you look at other people and they don’t look the same as you. They don’t flinch the same. They don’t look like they’re hiding from anything. They don’t see that’s what you’re doing. They don’t see you at all.”

Ben leaned his head down on Callum’s shoulder in solidarity. “I saw you. And you saw me,” he said in almost a whisper. “Remember when we met? I told Whit you weren’t her usual type.”

Callum choked out a laugh. “Charming as ever!” he said, as Ben felt the vibrations of a chuckle through his chest. “I can’t believe I didn’t chuck myself at you on first sight with lines like that!”

“I didn’t mean it like that,” Ben said, snuggling a little more into Callum’s shoulder. “I saw you from the beginning. I recognised you. You were different, but not to me. I couldn’t place why. I couldn’t get why, but I knew there was something.”

“Weren’t your magical gaydar sparking off then?” Callum replied, the smirk evident in his tone.

“Well that and all,” Ben said with a smile. “But I think it was looking at someone who was so broken in more ways than anyone else could know. You didn’t look it. I didn’t look it. But that’s what we were.”

“Don’t you mean are?” Callum asked sceptically. “Ain’t exactly a normal couple are we? We’re curled up on the floor in the middle of the night.”

“Normal’s over rated,” Ben replied. “We might be a bit broken here and there, but you are curled up on the floor with Walford’s best mechanic, and don’t you fucking forget it. Ain’t nothing I can’t fix.”

It had been almost a week since that conversation, and Ben was still playing it over in his mind. As much as he wanted to bring up the ring with Callum, he couldn’t bring himself to pile on more pressure at the moment. Questions had still crept into his brain though, and it just wasn’t sitting right with him. He had to find out more, and he couldn’t ask Callum until he had more information. He couldn’t upset him more if there was no reason to in the first place. That lead him here, sitting on the bench in the middle of the Square, watching Mick open up the Vic.

Before he could change his mind, Ben kicked off the bench and slowly strode towards the pub. He pushed the door open confidently, wanting to seem like he was just popping in for a pre-lunch time drink rather than sneaking around trying to investigate into his boyfriend’s secrets. He felt a wave of guilt wash over him just thinking about it. He knew he should just go home and talk to Callum, but with how tender things had been recently, he didn’t want anything to rock the boat.

It was no surprise that he was the only one in there. Well, apart from Shirley who was littering the other end of the bar, her nose stuck in a newspaper. He chose to sit as far away from her as possible; if anyone was ever able to sniff out the stench of a rat on Ben’s breath, then it would be Shirley.

“Alright, sunshine,” Mick offered as a greeting, as he dried a few pint glasses. Ben hopped on a stool and leaned casually against the bar. “You fed up of Himself already? He ordering you around and making you bring him packets of crisps in his sick bed, is he?”

Ben gave a small chuckle. “He’s fighting fit now,“ Ben replied, and Mick grinned affectionately in response at the news. “Doctor gave him a clean bill of health, so he’s celebrating by making some Lego action-hero figure monstrosity that Jay’s brought round. I thought I’d leave them to it before I’m tempted to steal and hide one of the pieces. Would drive them crazy for hours!”

“Fair play, son. I was always a Meccano man myself!” Mick replied, stacking the final glass. “What can I get you? Usual?”

Ben nodded his head as the landlord uncapped a bottle of beer and placed it in front of him. He reached for his wallet, but Mick shook his head and waved away his attempt at payment. “Are you sure?” he questioned, and thought about the opportunity this would provide. “Well, I suppose my boyfriend does technically own this place, so perhaps everything should be on the house from now on!”

“Yeah, or we might chuck you out on your ear, if you keep trying to play that card,” Shirley called up from the other end of the bar. “Mind you most the cocktails Linda makes we end up having to give away anyway, so fill your boots if you like! Just don’t come crying back when you’re chucking up crème de menthe at two o’clock in the morning.”

“I’m just saying!” Ben replied with his hands raised in submission. “I lived here once you know, and now I find out my other half has a financial stake.”

“You ain’t expecting it back are you?” Mick responded with a chuckle. “I’ll tell you what, I’ll pay you back in crisps. I’ll chuck a few bags of salt and vinegar at you and Halfway every time you pop your bonces in. How ‘bout that?”

Ben gave a smile in response. “Yeah alright then. Chuck in a bag of pork scratchings a week and you got yourself a deal,” he said, before chewing at his lip, thinking about how to phrase his next question.

“It’s strange to think of Callum having all that money invested in this place,” Ben replied, trying to sound casual, though his heart was beating a little fast and his nails were picking at the condensation soaked label on his bottle. “So where did his grandad get this ring from?”

Mick shook his head and started to look down, finding some dry glasses to wipe. “Don’t know really, son,” he said, and out of the corner of his eye, he could see that Shirley had stopped turning the pages of her paper and was following the conversation. “I think he just had it for years rattling around in some box.”

“He was a dock worker, weren’t he?” Ben questioned, taking a sip of his beer. “After the war, I mean. Like his dad did before him. The family business and all that. They had that bit of gold knocking about and still busted a gut day in and out?”

“Well, you know, how it is with somethings. They got sentimental value, ain’t they?” Mick replied, looking towards the door as if hopeful another customer would come in. “We’ve all got little nic nacs dottering about, ain’t we? I tried to throw away some of Lee’s old toys from when he was tiny the other day, but Linda weren’t having none of that. Went off her nut she did!”

“A two hundred grand ring’s a bit different to a few toy soldiers though, aint it?” Ben said, taking a longer gulp of his beer, the frothy richness giving him a sense of confidence to keep up his questioning. “Callum told me that one time a bailiff was knocking down the door. Jonno weren’t working, full on the booze all day, and Stuart was doing some time at Her Majesty’s. He said that his grandad came and got him for a bit. Kept him there for a few months, but on a pensioner’s cheque could barely afford to feed him, and had to clothe him bits that were either too small or three sizes too big that a caring neighbour give ‘em. You’d think he would have pawned that ring then, wouldn’t you? Specially as Callum meant everything to him. That’s what you do for someone you love. Same as Callum did for you.”

“I think he would have if he’d known,” Mick replied, and Ben could tell he was lying. He knew, despite his heart wanting the far-fetched tale to be true. He knew. “I don’t think he had a clue what it was worth.”

“So how’d Callum know?” Ben asked again, feeling they were going round in circles. “And I’m guessing Stuart would have seen the ring at some point. Happy for you to have the money was he? I might have to congratulate him on his one act of generosity.”

Before Mick could answer, the door to the pub swung open. “Shrimpy, me old mucker!” the landlord called out a little too enthusiastically. “What can I get you?”

As the landlord had now ended the conversation with the distraction of a customer, Ben downed the rest of his bottle and headed round the bar towards the door. A sharp hand caught his arm, and he slowly turned his head to see Shirley’s accusing eyes lasering at him. “Talk to him,” she said, softer than her expression suggested. “Just talk to him. You and him. You’re more alike than most people realise.”

Once he had left the Vic, he expected his feet to take him home, but he found himself standing outside his dad’s door. His phone beeped gently and he brought up the screen to see a picture of Jay and Callum lounging on the floor surrounded by tiny pieces of plastic. He couldn’t help but smile, though his expression faded as soon as his hand touched the door handle. The sorrow bleeding of this house was infectious and the atmosphere burrowed into his veins as soon as he entered the kitchen.

Louise was sitting on a chair, the baby perched on her lap trying desperately to clasp pieces of hair in her small chubby fingers. Ben gave a small smile to his sister that wasn’t returned. She looked tired, to put it mildly. Exhausted, as if any sleep she had got had been drained from her soul upon waking. “Alright?” he asked. “What you been up to?”

“I took the baby to see Karen today,” Louise replied, the hint of cry in her voice. Ben was sorry he asked now. “She says that Keanu will be back soon, but she didn’t say where he’s been. Do you think he’s with her?”

“I don’t know, Lou,” he replied, before shaking his head. “No, probably not. Sharon’s with Michelle in Australia, ain’t she? Keanu would probably end up in Vienna if he tried to follow her there. Dad in?”

Louise just simply nodded, her expression not any brighter. Ben felt guilty for leaving her like this, but he had other concerns right now. He walked along to the lounge, seeing Phil sitting at the dining room table looking through some papers. “Ain’t seen you for a while. What do you want? Finally remembered we’re here, have you?”

“Morning Dad,” Ben said in a mock cheer. “Always pleased to be welcomed into the family home with loving arms.”

“What do you want, Ben?” Phil gruffly responded, placing down the paper he was holding and leaning back in his chair with a huff.

“I want to talk to you about Callum.”

Phil let out a joyless laugh. “What do you want to talk to me about your boyfriend for?”

“Don’t worry dad,” Ben replied, turning his head a little to try and read some of the paper work. “I ain’t about to ask for advice on my sex life so you can take that look of fear of your face. Callum came here when he was on leave from the army, yeah? He stayed with Mick and Linda. When was that?”

“He’s your boyfriend!” Phil exclaimed, screwing up his face. “Why don’t you ask him?”

“Because I’m asking you!” Ben said, with a little bang on the table. It was like all his muscles had tensed up when entering the house. “Dad, please!”

“You should know!” Phil replied, picking his papers back up. “You were living here!”

Ben looked back at his dad with confusion. “Wait,” he started, trying to fit the pieces together. At the moment he felt that he had all the answers, but they were scattered all over the floor out of sync. “He was here on the Square before I went away? I never saw him. Did he have anything to do with the Maguires?”

Phil shook his head, as if mocking Ben’s ignorance. “Sometimes it’s the ones you least suspect that have the most secrets,” his dad replied, almost wistfully. “He ain’t as soppy as he makes out, that fella of yours. He was in the army.”

“Yeah, but he weren’t exactly a mercenary!” Ben replied, looking at his dad and trying to read his face. “He was in the catering section for a lot of the time.”

“Not all the time though, were he?” Phil replied. “He was in the army for a good few years. A soldier is still a soldier. They ain’t just trained to cut a few onions. What else can he do?”

After he left his dad, Ben carried on walking around for a little while. He stopped in at work for a few hours, hoping it would distract his mind briefly. He just ended up staring at the same piece of paper for half an hour. His phone kept on beeping every now and then, as Callum documented the progress of his and Jay’s project. With every photo there was more added, more built and the structure was coming together. It was the antithesis of how Ben felt about the questions that plagued his mind.

As the sun started to lower itself below the sky, Ben eventually made his way home. When he opened the door, he could see that Jay had left and their creation was sitting proudly on the kitchen table. “Looks good!” Ben said, greeting Callum with a kiss on his cheek. “And so it should with two grown men working on it all day.”

Callum gave him a wry smile and went to sit on the sofa, holding his arm out along the back of the cushions. Ben shuffled off his coat and kicked off his shoes, dropping down on the couch and leaning into his boyfriend’s side. There was silence for a few minutes, but it didn’t feel awkward. It never did with Callum. They understood how each other was feeling and could just be happy with their thoughts.

Eventually Ben broke the silence, thinking back to what Shirley had said to him earlier in the day. “Look we need to talk,” he said gently, knowing how quickly their talks could turn volatile with a few wrongly placed words. “There’s things I need to know. I was honest with you, yeah? And that helped sort things out a bit. I’ve got questions, Callum.”

His boyfriend nodded, as if he had been expecting this which made Ben’s heart settle slightly. “This is about the letter, isn’t it? The one I got in Hastings.” Callum replied, and that wasn’t what he expected at all. He let his boyfriend carry on speaking though. “Ben, it was from my mum.”

Ben opened his mouth to speak, but he didn’t know what to say. “Your mum?” he repeated, as if maybe he hadn’t heard Callum clearly the first time.

“Yeah,” Callum confirmed, and from his tone it sounded like he couldn’t quite believe it himself. “She’s in prison. She wants to see me.”

“When was the last time you saw her?” Ben asked, knowing that Callum rarely mentioned her.

“When I was three, maybe four,” he replied, squinting his eyes as if trying to pull up a long forgotten memory. “Yeah, I must have been four years old. Stuart was inside and it was just me, her and dad. She was as bold as anything. I remember being really young, before my brother was in prison. Her, Stuart and Dad all laughing and joking loudly around the table. I felt like such the odd one out.”

“Try being me around the Mitchell table suddenly busting into a show tune,” Ben commented with a smirk. “Look at us, eh? Little black sheep that we are.”

Ben paused for a second, a question pulsing against his brain. “Callum,” he said so quietly that he barely heard himself. “Why did you leave the army?”

Pandora’s box had now been smashed and he really wasn’t sure what would come out of it. “What, the big scar down my side weren’t enough of a clue?” Callum replied, with a slight huff of a laugh, but Ben could tell there was no humour in his tone. “I was medically discharged. Something to do with the nerves in my leg.”

“I saw you,” Ben confessed, though he knew Callum found this out. They had never properly spoken about it though. “In the playground. You were crying and smashing a bottle against your leg.””

“Yeah I got that from the little digs,” Callum replied, affectionally poking Ben in the arm. “You never told anyone?”

“No,” Ben replied firmly. “I would never do that. It felt like I was looking in a mirror. I recognised it. Nothing wrong with your leg now though. Was there then?”

Callum shook his head but didn’t say anything, and Ben could tell he was trying to keep his composure. If he said a word then everything may just spill out.

“Callum. Why did you leave the army?”

He broke down then, and Ben felt guilt punch its way into his stomach. He knew it was all locked up in there. All those pain and memories. The panic attacks and the dreams were just trickling through a small gap.

“I weren’t like anyone else there,” he said, snuffling out the words between tears.

“You aren’t like anyone else anywhere,” Ben said with a soft smile. “There’s gay people in the army though. You wouldn’t have been the only one.”

“It weren’t just that,” Callum replied, sniffing. “I just looked at everyone and they seemed to be so confident and always know the right thing to say or to do. I just felt like everyone was watching me all the time, wondering why I was there. I kept on trying to fit in, but it didn’t work.”

“You can’t be something you’re not,” Ben said firmly. “Well, that’s not true. Some people can. They can mimic and hide and blend in effortlessly and they’re content with that. Not you though, Callum. You’re far too special. It’s impossible for you to be someone you’re not without it causing you pain. You’re a stubborn bastard; you know what feels right.”

“It weren’t like I couldn’t stand everyone. I tried to fit in and have a laugh. It all came so naturally to them. They’d talk about their pasts and back home and it all just flew off their tongues. What could I possibly talk about with my life? There was no girlfriend waiting back home, no Sunday dinners around my parents’ house. It was like every time I was asked a question, I had to filter it through in my head, trying to find something that would be accepted.”

“Weren’t there anyone you could be yourself with?”

“Yeah,” Callum gave a little smile. “His name was Chris and we were in the catering together. He was just the friendliest guy, but he’d tease me. He would never push me for anything, just let me waffle on about nothing most the time.”

“He was in love with you,” Ben replied with certainty. Because of course he would have been. Of course. How couldn’t he have been?

Callum gave a slight shrug and an almost imperceptible nod. “I guess,” he replied shyly. “He could have had anyone he wanted though. He was out. Family knew and everything. I think deep down he was just waiting for me to be ready.”

Ben felt a little of his stomach drop, the little feeling he got when he questioned why Callum was with him and the paranoia that someone better would eventually come round the corner and catch his eye. “Sounds amazing. I gotta get ready to roll up my sleeves and fight for you when he comes calling?” he replied, trying to keep his tone light. “Or I could just play him a recording of you snoring; probably make him run a mile anyway.”

“I don’t snore!” Callum said insistently, but Ben couldn’t help see his face drop as he started to pick at the skin of his thumb. “That won’t happen anyway. He’s dead.”

There was a click in Ben’s head and it all fell into place. “I’m sorry,” he replied, though he knew those words were so over used, so mundane. Yet they were the first utterings that anyone had to use in this situation. “Was it in the war?”

Callum shook his head, sniffed again and cleared his throat. Ben could tell he was trying to keep it all in, trying to bury everything deep down. “Nah, he’d come back home on leave. February last year and he got in a car crash. Ridiculous when you come to think of it. You spend months and months being in an area that everyone says is the most dangerous place, where you’re supposed to live day by day not knowing if it’s your last. Then you come back home and break.”

“How’d you find out?” Ben asked. It was before he came back to the Square, while Callum was with Whitney.

“His sister came to find me last summer, wanted me to go to a memorial service for him they were having a few weeks after,” he confessed. “She knew about how he felt about me. I think she knew how I felt about him and all. I never went though. There was so much going on in my head at that point what with the wedding and-“

“Me,” Ben said, thinking back to the previous summer. “I didn’t know.”

“Why would you?” Callum replied back. “I just blocked it out and put it to the back of my mind.”

“You think I shouldn’t have seen it?” Ben replied, and he should have. Perhaps he did; there were always parts of Callum that he recognised that other people didn’t. Callum picked harder at his thumb. Ben reached over and roughly grabbed hold of his hand. “Stop! You loved him, yeah?”

Chewing at his lip and not meeting his eyes, Callum gave a nod. “Then you’ve got to admit that. You’re holding it all in. You can talk to me; I ain’t gonna judge or be mad or jealous.”

Ben lifted Callum’s hand up to kiss his thumb. His boyfriend looked so lost; he’d come into this conversation wanting to try and find out more and bring him closer, but everything he said seemed to make him drift further away.

“He was the first person I think I loved,” Callum admitted. “I could almost be myself with him, you know? I felt like he saw bits of me that I’d tried to keep hidden.”

“Oh yeah?” he replied with a smirk. “What bits were those then?” 

“Ben!” Callum warned, though there was a slight upturn to his lips. “It weren’t like that. We didn’t do nothing. We never even talked about it. I always thought everyone knew, thinking it and laughing about it. There were little digs here and there, at school and the army, like whispers, but I could ignore them you know? Even Dad’s little comments and Stuart looking at me sometimes like I’d grown a second head, I could deal with. I could lie and joke and ignore. No one ever called me out or said it to my face. No one ever looked me in the eye and just knew.”

“Oops,” Ben said with another grin as he settled Callum’s hand against his cheek. “To be fair though, you did storm into my house after I give you a van and shoved me against a wall. It weren’t exactly a cryptic clue.”

“You sold me a stolen van!” Callum said with a chuckle. “I was angry.”

“Babe, you were horny,” Ben replied, as Callum took his hand away and gave an affectionate shove. Crawling back towards him, Ben gave him a kiss on the cheek and put his arms around his neck. “Good thing you get your rocks off to a bit of danger, eh? Was he a bit of a bad boy? Chris?”

Callum shook his head. “No, not really. He was always up for a laugh, but he’d never do anything reckless,” he replied, stroking Ben’s shoulder gently. He let out a small laugh, as if the memories were finally being allowed to wash through his brain. “It was the other way round actually. He was always warning me not to do anything stupid!”

“Yeah, well you’re a good boy, ain’t you?” he said, giving his boyfriend a kiss on the neck. “You’d never got yourself into trouble, would you?”

There was a small moment of silence in the air. Ben knew his question was leading and there was guilt in the pit of his stomach for still searching for answers when Callum was being so open. His boyfriend seemed to think a little, before turning back to him. “Well, there was this one time I got in a bit of trouble,” he started, and Ben raised his head to look him in the eyes. “Some geezer I had the hots for tried to shift a hookie motor onto me and I almost got nicked! It’s alright though, I’ve pinned him to a few things and sorted him out.”

Ben let out a breath he didn’t know he was holding as Callum moved towards him and started to push him back on the sofa. “I take it all back,” Ben said with a laugh. “You aren’t a good boy at all.”

They carried on kissing, before Ben noticed him wince a bit. “Still hurting from the tree attack?” Ben asked, brushing his cheek softly. “You’d tell me if there was anything else bothering you, wouldn’t you?”

“Course,” Callum said, before quieting Ben with a kiss. “Oh, by the way we’re having a dinner party next week.”

“A dinner party?” Ben questioned. “Have we turned into William and Kate all of a sudden? Better make sure it’s not the footman’s night off.”

“You told me to meet up with those army mates, didn’t you? The ones that messaged when they found out I was in hospital.” Callum replied with a tut, and Ben vaguely remembered suggesting it. “It’s just gonna be a bit of pasta or something, I weren’t gonna pull out our good china!”

“By good china, do you mean the 12-piece dinner set Ian gave us when we moved in. The ones he was only getting rid of because they were getting new gear in at the restaurant?” Ben asked. “I hate to break it to you gorgeous, but the next best thing we got is half a dozen Frozen paper plates left over from Lexi’s birthday party. How do your army mates feel about eating lasagne off of Elsa’s face?”

“We’ll use what we’ve got!” Callum said, pressing a kiss to Ben’s forehead. “I’m not gonna hide anything. They’ll have to take us as we are. I’ve invited Jay and Lola along and all.”

“Well they’ll be so distracted by Jay snorting up his meal like he hasn’t eaten for three weeks, they won’t have time to look at anything else,” Ben said, as he snuggled his nose into Callum’s shoulder. “You sure there ain’t anything else you want to tell me. You can you know.”

Though he couldn’t see, he could feel that Callum had lowered his head a little to look at him. “No, you know everything,” he replied.

Ben wanted to believe him. Not because he would feel betrayed or angry if it turned out to be a lie, but because he didn’t want there to be anything else in Callum’s life that had caused him pain. He had enough. Too much. Squashing down the niggling feeling, the common sense one that knew what the right answer was., he let it go. Things didn’t add up, but maybe that was just life.

“Do you just want be to set you up a little trough on the floor to eat, or should I get the nose bag out?”

Jay grabbed another handful of crisps from the bowl, shoved them in his mouth as he glared at his brother. “They’re nibbles, Ben,” he replied, crumbs spluttering from his mouth. “You’ve put them out to be eaten before dinner, so I’m eating them!”

Ben shook his head, and grabbed the bowl off him, placing it on the coffee table. “They’re for Callum’s guests who haven’t arrived yet!” he stated, smacking Jay’s hand away from them when he tried to get them back. “Not for you to snuffle up like a ganet!

“Will you both keep your voices down!” Lola hissed in a whisper, approaching the sofa with a glass in her hand. “Callum’s freaking out already as it is! He keeps on muttering something about Gordon Zola being a melt. Is that one of his army pals?”

Ben rubbed his forehead. “Gorgonzola! It’s a cheese, Lola! Give it five minutes and you’ll see it disappearing into your boyfriend’s gob!” he replied, pulling her down onto the couch next to him. He took a deep breath and sighed. “He’s stressed out a bit because he hasn’t seen his mates since the army.”

“Yeah, and last they probably heard he was dating Whitney. It’s gonna be a bit of a shock when they’re expecting some bubbly, red haired beauty and he introduces them to a glaring, arsey brunette, ain’t it?” Jay remarked, picking some crumbs from his teeth. “Might not be a glow up in their eyes!”

“Thanks for the support, Jay. Really appreciated.” Ben replied, with a roll of his eyes. Callum wasn’t the only one that was nervous. He’d never been introduced to someone Callum knew before they were together. Obviously, his initial meetings with Stuart and Jonno hadn’t exactly been conventional. They both tried to take his kneecaps out so it wasn’t how the introduction to your in-laws usually went. The Carters he already knew, so while spending time with them as Callum’s boyfriend was new, it wasn’t anything compared to this level of anxiety. “You got any words of encouragement to add Lo, or shall I just wrestle the knife from my back now.”

“He’s just being a gobshite, ignore him,” Lola replied waving off Jay’s protestations. “I do have a question though. Why you serving guacamole in a gravy boat?”

Ben gave a sigh and a glare at the offending item. “Stuart’s housewarming gift,” he replied nodding towards the cow shaped dish which he was sure was judging him. “I got a telling off from the other half for not putting it out when he came round to dinner, so this is my penance. Having to lock eyes with that vile thing all evening. Still an improvement from gazing at baldy’s beady eyes though!”

There was a loud knock at the door that made Callum drop his spoon on the floor. “Shit!” he said, flailing his hands around, unsure what to do first. “They’re early!”

Ben got up from the sofa and approached his boyfriend, taking his hands in his. “Relax,” he said calmly, linking their fingers together. “You’ve made a lovely bit of dinner, you’ve got me and your friends here to support you and you look as fit as fucking anything. Go get the door, I’ll tidy this up.”

Callum still looked like someone had danced on his grave as he gave a nod and wiped his hands on a tea towel. Ben took the cloth from his hands and whipped it against his boyfriend’s bum as he started to walk towards the door. Callum turned around and just laughed at him, and he was pleased he could help take away a little of the anxiety, even for just a moment.

Quickly grabbing some kitchen towel, he mopped up a bit of spilt sauce, picking up the dropped spoon and throwing it hastily into the sink. He gave his hands a last clean on the tea towel as he heard voices and greetings coming from the door. Ben took a deep breath and quickly ran his fingers through his hair, making sure it was in place whilst trying to ignore Jay and Lola’s stifled laughter at his anxiety.

As he paced towards the entrance hall, Callum rounded the corner just in front a friendly looking man, with short blonde hair. He was almost as tall as Callum, and he slapped his boyfriend on the back at the end of a joke that he must have started almost as soon as he got through the door.

Callum’s eyes flittered towards him, then back to his friend. “And this is my Ben,” he stumbled, with a chuckle. “Um, my boyfriend, Ben. This is Quicksy…um Alex, who I was in barracks with right from my training.”

Ben gave Callum a quick wink to show him he was doing well and everything was okay. He held his hand out to the man, who grasped it warmly. “It’s nice to meet, Alex. I’m eager to hear any and all embarrassing stories you’ve got about Callum when he was a new recruit.”

Alex gave a chuckle, letting go of Ben’s hand to slap Callum jovially on the back. “We’ve not just got them from when Halfway was a rookie,” the man said, with humour in his voice, and Ben could detect a slight northern accent. “We got hundreds right through that’ll give him a shock, haven’t we Spud?”

Callum suddenly jumped a little, realising that in his panic, he hadn’t introduced his other colleague. “Oh God, I’m an idiot,” he said as he beckoned the man to come through to the lounge. “Ben, this is James.”

As the man stepped into the light, he held out his hand and looked expectantly towards him. “Hi Ben,” he greeted, eyes narrowed and smile pursed. “I’m sure you’re dying to find out more about Callum.”

With gritted teeth, Ben glared at the man. Realising he was being watched and not wanting to cause a scene, he reluctantly shook Buzz Cut’s hand.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Apologies for taking so long to update! I hope everyone is staying safe and well xx


	12. Two Soldiers

Ben stabbed his fork into his plate, earning himself a warning scowl from Callum at the squeaking scrape. He really was trying to be on his best behaviour for his boyfriend’s sake but to say the evening had taken an unexpected turn was an understatement.

When he saw Buzz Cut walk into the room, it was like a nightmare. Those ones where life seems normal and then the monster appears out of nowhere. He couldn’t quite add together the image of this thug who had been torturing him for the best part of the year, suddenly appear in his home grinning, smiling and joking with his boyfriend.

“Oh sorry,” he heard Callum say. The words woke Ben out of his shock a little, the realness of the moment eventually settling into his sight. “This is Jay, and that’s Lola, they’re friends of ours. Well, family really.”

As Jay shook both men’s hands, Lola looked at Ben quizzically, noticing he had stepped back and was quiet. She gave him a curious stare and mouthed out a question to check he was alright. Ben gave a little nod, but he was far from comfortable with the situation, feeling like he was just about to sit a ticking time bomb down at the table and serve it a bowl of pasta and a glass of beer.

Once he got over the initial shock, he began to wonder why Buzz Cut was here and started to link it all together in his mind. When this man who was intruding on their lives found out he put Callum in hospital, he must have contacted his boyfriend, wanting to rub salt in the wound even further. Clearly, he’d been playing Ben all along, lording over the fact that he knew Callum, and teasing him with the fact. If he hadn’t have guessed that the ring the Maguires had stolen was taken by Callum already, this would have put the final nail in the coffin to confirm it. The jigsaw was all snapping into place and he really didn’t like the picture he was starting to see.

There was a sudden and quick pain to his shin and he looked up to see Jay glaring at him across the table. He knew he wasn’t exactly being the bright and cheerful host that he wanted to be for Callum, but it was hard to make polite chit chat with someone that wanted to kill you.

“So why’s your nickname Spud then?” Lola asked, taking a sip of her wine. “Ain’t exactly got the hard man soldier image has it? You a little pussy cat really, are you?”

Buzz Cut laughed and every decibel stuck like glue in Ben’s ear. “It’s quite dull really; my last’s name’s Piper, so I was always gonna have a potato theme to it. Its preferable to Maris anyway!” he replied, grinning at Lola, and Ben wanted to scrape the expression off his face and scream at him to not even blink in the direction of his friend. “The lads in the regiment didn’t have to use much of their imagination for that.”

“Don’t call a soldier a pussy cat, Lo,” Jay warned, while scoffing back his third piece of garlic bread, crumbs falling over the table. “He might want to have a go and kick off! Have you seen the size of his muscles, I ain’t gonna take a brawl outside and defend you!”

“Oh come off it,” Lola said, pouring another glass of wine, giving a good tap to the bottom of the bottle to make sure it was empty. “He’s a mate of Callum’s, he’s hardly gonna hurl himself across the table for a scrap is he? Besides, I’d got more chance of taking him on than you have. You’d scarper like a tom cat in the night if anyone asked you to defend my honour.”

“What about you Ben?” Buzz Cut asked, bringing all the attention back to him. “Would you defend Callum’s honour if necessary?”

Jay let out a blowing snort of a laugh at that. “Mate, I’d love to see that!” he chuckled. “You clawing your way like a scrappy little rat against a big army guy!”

“I’d do anything to protect, Callum,” he said boldly, holding Buzz Cut’s expression to know he was serious. “Anything.”

Feeling a brush of a hand softly tousling his hair, Ben released the breath he didn’t know he was holding, and turned to Callum with a small smile, moving his hands over and rubbing at his thigh affectionately.

“So how’d you two get together then?” Alex asked, and Ben looked at him curiously. As far as it seemed, it appeared that he was a decent guy, he’d been quiet so far, not revealing very much at all but the fact that he walked through the door with Buzz Cut still heightened his suspicion towards the man. “I have been out the army for a while though. Last I heard, Halfway was getting married to some local girl! You weren’t going at it behind her back were you?”

As Lola started coughing into her wine glass, Buzz Cut put a huge grin on his face. “Oh I’m sure Ben and Callum would never do anything immoral,” he gritted out. “They just don’t look like the dishonest type.”

“Well, we found each other and that’s all that matters,” Callum replied to Alex, and Ben furrowed his brow a little at the smile on his boyfriend’s face that didn’t quite reach his eyes.

“No offence, Halfway, but I can’t say I’m hugely surprised,” Alex said, downing his beer. “Always knew there was more to you than meets the eye. Must be nice to be able to tell the truth about who you really are.”

“Honesty’s the best policy,” Buzz Cut added in. “You’ve got to be truthful in a relationship or it just get’s torn apart, don’t you think Ben?”

“Tell me more about you, ‘James’,” he replied, sitting back in his chair and trying to get back the upper hand. This was his flat and he wasn’t about to relinquish control to anyone who thought they could walk in here and threaten him. “I feel I know nothing about you. Just your name.”

“Why don’t I wash up first?” Callum offered, standing up and starting to clear the table. “Then we can all sit down with a drink and have a chat.”

“Why don’t we all go over the Vic?” Jay suggested, passing his plate to Lola who then started helping Callum clear away with a roll of her eyes. “Could deal with a decent pint, if I’m honest.”

Ben started to feel the panic in him build. He didn’t want to let Buzz Cut over the pub with Callum and Mick. Something was bound to be revealed by one of them, and he had to keep his boyfriend away from it all. “Me and Callum will stay here and do the washing up,” he suggested, gaining him a frown from Jay and Lola. “You lot go over.”

“You ain’t never offered to do the washing up in your life,” Jay remarked suspiciously. “Oh God, is that some kind of code for funny business? Actually, scrap that. I don’t want to know! Get your coats quickly everyone!”

Callum tutted and elbowed Ben in the ribs. “No, it ain’t code!” he said, though by the way Callum now gently rubbed the place he’d poked him in, Ben was even starting to convince himself that there were different ulterior motives for sending them all packing. “We’re just washing up!”

“Doesn’t seem fair that Callum does some more work after he made us that delicious meal,” Buzz Cut added in. “I’ll tell you what, you go over the pub Halfway and I’ll help Ben with the clearing up.”

Ben felt his body freeze then, the brushing of Callum’s fingers on his ribs just fluttering the tense muscles. “Nah, that ain’t fair,” his boyfriend protested. “You’re our guests.”

“He’s right, Callum,” Lola replied, reaching out to tap his hand. “Come on, you deserve a drink. I’m sure you can bear to be away from each other for half an hour.”

“Well as long as washing up does mean washing up!” Jay intercepted, earning a loud sigh from his girlfriend. “What? I’m just saying!”

“Don’t worry, Jay,” Buzz Cut said, though his tone was far from reassuring. “Ben and I will just have a little chat. That’s all. I know he’d never do anything to hurt Callum, and truth be told I don’t think we’re quite each other’s type.”

“Are you sure?” Callum said, looking earnestly at him. “I can stay if you want me to?”

Ben shook his head before his boyfriend leaned down and gave him a kiss on the lips. It felt more intense than just a peck goodbye and Ben reached up into it, trying to convey so much meaning into those short few seconds.

“Yeah, alright, enough with the ‘washing up’ you two!” Jay complained. “I’d like to be over the pub while there’s still beer left in the tap and I’m not forced to chuck down one of Linda’s cocktails.”

Callum still stared into his eyes, gripping his right hand tightly. He gave one final squeeze before giving Ben a kiss on the forehead. “Don’t be long, yeah?”

Ben kept his smile up until they had all made their way out the flat and the front door finally closed.

“Ain’t exactly playing hard to get are you?” Ben said, after a moment of silence that Buzz Cut just spent smirking as if he owned the place. “I’m starting to think you’re growing quite fond of me.”

“Well I seem to be getting screwed over good and proper every time we talk, so there might be something in that,” he replied, narrowing his eyes slyly as he ran his hand along the back of the sofa. “But I’m a simple girl. I’m all about the gold. I want my money.”

“Maguires money, you mean?” Ben replied, scowling when Buzz Cut picked up a photograph of him and Callum from the sideboard. “You’re just the hired lacky, sweetheart. And I’m getting pretty tired of dealing with the monkey when it’s the organ grinder I owe.”

“Yeah, well if they don’t get their money, they I don’t get paid,” Buzz Cut explained, before he started to tap the photograph. “Besides, it was you who told me to come here in the first place. ‘Go after the fella who’s got the ring’. Those were your words, weren’t they?”

“You could have told me about, Callum,” Ben replied, thinking back to all of Buzz Cut’s snarky comments. “The fact he had the ring. How’d he get it?”

The man in front of him just laughed. “You clearly don’t talk to your boyfriend. Trouble in paradise is there?” he said, passing the photo quickly from hand to hand. “You know I always quite liked Halfway. Harmless dozy thing, always did what he was told, too scared of letting all his secrets out to do any different.”

“You don’t know him!” Ben replied firmly, the anger building in his voice. “You don’t have a clue about who he is!”

“Well, neither do you apparently,” Buzz Cut remarked, unphased at the tone aimed at him. “But what you do know is that he owes two hundred grand that he stole from us. So let’s deal shall we?”

Ben looked him in the eye and paused, thinking through his options. “We don’t have that kind of money,” he explained, dreading what was coming next.

Buzz Cut looked around the flat, a haughty disdain on his face. “Well, I can see that,” he stated, as if he was offended by the building he stood in. “Both quite careless with the money you stole if your living arrangements are anything to go by. We have the same deal as you had with the Maguires before; we give you some gear, you get rid of it for us.”

“No,” he replied. He promised Callum he wouldn’t get caught up in this anymore. “It’s too much risk on my side. If the Old Bill come knocking, then I’ll go down.”

“Let me put this another way,” Buzz Cut replied. “Either you take on Callum’s debt, or I go to the man himself and ask him for the money. And for every week he can’t pay the full amount, I will break a different bone in his body. Then, if I still haven’t got all the money by Christmas-“

Dropping the picture from his hands, the frame smashed against the floor, a thousand splintered pieces of glass scattering like ants across the ground. The photo inside was crumpled, a tear appearing in the middle.

“So what will it be, Ben? You gonna let Callum pay the price, or shall you and I come to a gentlemen’s agreement?”

Ben nodded, his gaze hypnotised by the light hitting the shards on the ground, his brain spinning with how something that was so together could become broken so quickly. “Fine,” he replied, his voice coming out in a gulping whisper. “I’ll take on the debt.”

“Good man,” Buzz Cut replied, exaggeratedly stepping over the smashed photo and walking towards him. “Let’s just keep this between you and me, shall we? I don’t want Daddy dearest riding in to the rescue, and I think we can both agree your precious boyfriend doesn’t need to know anything. We wouldn’t want him getting into another of his accidents would we?”

“That friend of yours, Alex, he in on it to?” Ben asked, fully prepared to bolt out the door now if Callum was in danger.

“He’s more Halfway’s friend than mine,” Buzz Cut replied, and Ben still wasn’t convinced. “I only served with him for a little while before he got out the army. Probably spends his days pottering around the garden tending to a rose bush. Not quite my scene, so you’ll understand we ain’t really pen pals. What you don’t believe me?”

Patting Ben on the shoulder, he started to make his way towards the door. “How long have I got?” Ben asked. “To pay the debt and shift the gear. How long to get the money to you?”

“You’ve got until Christmas Eve,” Buzz Cut replied. “If I don’t hear from you by then, well then you’ll certainly be hearing from me. Oh, and in the spirit of full disclosure, my nickname doesn’t have anything to do with potatoes. They call me Spud because I once battered a guy with a spud wrench. They had to scrape bits of him off the pavement. Just thought you should know that.”

With that he left, slamming the door shut as he disappeared. Ben hurried to where the frame lay smashed on the ground, kneeling down and picking the photo out, brushing off the shards that lay there. He caught one piece in his thumb, a shiny red drop appearing and smearing onto the surface. Ben held the picture to him, wondering how both he and Callum ended up in the same mess; both ending up with things shattered around them.

When Callum had got back from the pub that evening, Ben had just explained that ‘James’ wasn’t feeling that well and decided to have an early night. It turned out that Lola and Jay had taken off after one drink too, leaving Callum and Alex to have a catch up. Luckily, his boyfriend hadn’t questioned him any further, so he didn’t have to lie his way through another conversation. The remnants of the photo frame had been swept away and disposed of in Ruby’s wheelie bin, and the next day he had bought a new one, telling Callum it matched the décor of the flat better.

One day, he returned home to find Callum curled up on the sofa with an envelope in his hand. Ben’s initial concern was that it was from Buzz Cut, despite his agreement that they keep the deal between them. The other man wasn’t exactly reliable and it would be typical of him to send Callum something through the post to make him suspicious and continue to put Ben under pressure.

To be honest, he was feeling the strain of the debt again, the entire process taking him back a few months. It was like he was going in a circle, trying to do the right thing and getting his life on track, but at every junction his past pulled him forcibly back by the scruff of his neck. Ben had received the gear from a courier the next day, knowing with the small size of the packages exactly what he was trying to sell on before he even looked. Small little parcels that would ruin people’s lives, scratch into their veins and ensure they would never be the same again. There were people he knew, there weren’t any he could trust, but he knew they would be interested. He just couldn’t bring himself to call them yet, instead hiding the gear at the back of the Arches. There was two months to get rid of it, and he knew the repercussions if he didn’t.

Looking at Callum, he didn’t look angry or annoyed in the way he would if he had found out that Ben had betrayed him again and was sneaking around doing something that was the wrong side of law. Instead, Ben noticed that there was a slight sorrow on his face, not regret or guilt, but one of heady contemplation.

The last time Callum had received an envelope and looked like this, it has been a letter from his mother. Ben knew that he kept that one tucked away into the second drawer of his nightstand, but it still picked at his mind. It was just another decision that was eating away at Callum; another regret and another choice that he blamed himself for.

They had talked a little about the last letter. Callum still wasn’t sure if he wanted to go visit her, the pros and cons weighing heavily in his head. There was a curiosity there about why she wanted to speak to him, why she was in prison and what she had to say. Neither Callum nor Ben could fathom why she had left it so long without getting in touch, and what she wanted now after all this time.

Callum remembered very little about his mother, him being so young when she left, but what he does recollect he shares with Ben sometimes, in the deep of night when their secrets stay just between them and the pillows. He talks about her hair; the flame red, flowing locks passed down from Scottish descent, that used to hang brightly over her shoulders. And her laugh. He remembers that filling a room, deep and loud but it wasn’t a frequent noise. Joy was never a regular sound in their house.

“You alright?” Ben asked, finally rounding the corner, making Callum jump and grasp the envelope so the paper wrinkled a little. He went and sat on the opposite side of the sofa, kicking his shoes off onto the floor. “What you got there? Jack ain’t sent us an eviction notice has he? Would think he’d want to hand deliver that and glue it to my forehead.”

The joke fell a little flat, but it forced Callum to open up a little where he was sitting, moving his toes down to just rest on Ben’s thigh. “You’re lucky he don’t do it with a staple gun,” he replied with a small smile and it relieved any of the tension. “It’s from Whitney actually. Well, her solicitor. It’s divorce papers.”

“Oh,” Ben muttered, and that wasn’t quite what he was expecting. He knew Callum and Whitney were still married, of course he did. The process of applying for a divorce took time, but he never really thought of them as married, he supposed. It wasn’t something that crossed his mind, or perhaps it was something he blocked out from his mind, like he did when he and Callum first got together behind Whitney’s back. It was easier to just not think about her. “Well we knew it would happen eventually right? You know Whit, she’s probably laser targeted her next fella already for dragging down the aisle.”

“Yeah, it weren’t unexpected,” Callum said shaking his head, before rubbing his toes gently along Ben’s thigh to show him he wasn’t upset. “It just feels like a failure, like when I was discharged from the army. It’s things that I wanted, but it still felt like quitting.”

“Do you want me to start singing Tammy Wynette to you? Would that help?” Ben replied with a smirk, dodging Callum’s foot that moved up to nudge his head. “You ain’t having second thoughts, are you? Want me to pack you a little overnight bag and see if you want to give Whit another go?”

“Shut up!” Callum replied with a glare, but there was no malice in it. “I do know it’s the right thing, obviously I’m where I want to be. It’s just another failure to add to the list.”

“Yeah, a dried up divorcee before you’re thirty,” Ben remarked, pulling Callum’s foot back against his thigh and giving it a rub. “Not exactly a great catch, are you?”

Callum gave him another kick as his face burst into an unintentional smile. Ben felt happy that he could pull him out of his funk a little, if only for a short time. “Well I’m sure there’s someone out there that’ll have me. I’ll just have to be on the prowl when we go out tonight, won’t I?”

Ben stuck his tongue out and then crawled up the sofa, settling under Callum’s arm. “Nah, I might as well keep you,” he conceded. “Not fair to project you onto the men of Walford. I’ll take the hit for the team. Besides, it’s Jay’s birthday, it wouldn’t be fair to be sniffing out guys and distract him of your attention.”

“It’s not my bleedin’ birthday! Why do you keep saying it is?”

Jay drained the last of his beer, giving a shake of his head across to his brother. The night was still early, and Ben had planned to make it a long one with Callum, Lola and Jay in tow. He just wanted to get all the business with Buzz Cut out of his brain for a while and enjoy spending time with the people he loved in the world.

“This is your birthday celebration,” Ben replied, finishing the last of his drink as he shuffled closer to Callum’s side when his arm dropped lazily around his shoulders. “That’s why I bought you that drink. You’re welcome.”

“It’s one bottle of larger, Ben, not a magnum of champagne,” Jay replied, pointing the empty container towards him. “It was my birthday three weeks ago! You were there! We had a little party with Lexi, Bill and the kids. You chucked a wobbler because the cake was lemon drizzle, remember?”

“It had zest in it!” Ben spat out, screwing up his face at the memory. “Why would you put something that feels like you’re chewing on a bit of plastic in a perfectly good cake? Besides, it’s a double celebration tonight. My man’s free and single.”

“Is he?” Lola replied, finishing off her second glass of wine. “Finally come to your senses and giving him the elbow are you, Callum?”

“Yeah, very funny. Don’t give up the day job, Lo. Wouldn’t want the women of Walford to go without their lopsided perms so you can take up a comedy career,” Ben retorted back with a roll of his eyes. “His divorce has come through, hasn’t it?”

“Bloody depressing celebration, Ben,” Jay replied. “A birthday a month late and someone’s marriage ending.”

“Here we are!” Linda interrupted, carrying a tray full of drinks. “On the house as it’s a celebration!”

“See? Someone agrees with me!” Ben replied, pointing towards the landlady. They all took a sip of the glassed she handed around. “Jesus, Linda! What’s in this Bloody Mary?”

“Ah, well see it’s not quite a Bloody Mary,” she said looking around her, as if trying to find her husband to rescue her. “I call it a Bloody Bellini!”

“So what’s in it?” Lola replied, chewing on the celery stick poking out of it to try and take some of the taste away.

“I’m assuming tomato juice at least,” Callum said, picking up his glass and looking at it curiously. “This stuff is tomato juice, ain’t it? You ain’t chucked red sauce in there or something?”

Linda tutted. “No, I haven’t put any ketchup in it! What do you take me for, Halfway?” she snapped back. “I have worked in a pub all my life you know! It’s got tomato juice, sparkling wine, and then peach to make it a Bellini. Only Martin didn’t have any peaches on his stall, so we used apricots and a bit of banana to firm it up.”

“This needs more vodka,” Ben suggested, reluctantly taking another sip. “Possibly another half a bottle per glass to make it palatable!”

“Oh well, we’re running a bit low on vodka,” she replied sheepishly. “So we chucked a bit of crème de menthe in. Suppliers gave us the wrong order again. I swear I’m gonna swing for them one day!”

“Tell me this don’t have Worcestershire sauce in it and all,” Jay asked, stirring his drink suspiciously.

“No!” Linda responded, quickly. “I didn’t have none, so I just chucked a bit of soy sauce in instead. Can you taste the difference?”

Ben pushed the glass back towards her. “Bring us a bottle of vodka and four shot glasses would you?”

The pounding rhythm of the music hit and scraped his throat as the alcohol swirled his brain, making his body move as if it was almost separate from his thoughts. The other people in the bar seemed to just become a fog in the background, like ghosts gliding through the room.

Ben was used to evenings like this; a steady stream of spirits to take the edge off. Partly to numb and partly to stifle the pain. He wouldn’t have been on the dancefloor though back then. That wasn’t his style. He would have kept to the outskirts of the venue, lingering to the walls and in corners to mask his shame and pain. Disappearing into those gaps in the hopes he could easily forget whatever mistake he was about to make.

Those times, those wasted and throwaway nights, were in the hopes he could feel something, or not feel anything at all. It never worked. The alcohol never quite numbed enough for the pain to disappear completely and never lasted long enough to make him forget. There were hook ups; men’s lips and mouths and hands used to try and force a feeling. They were just like scratching an itch though. If there was relief, it was brief and momentary, the act just causing the need to heighten straight after.

Being at the Prince Albert, in a place with the same dynamics as all those past forgotten nights, brought those feelings of loss and loneliness back for a second. But having Callum there made them all disappear and blur away.

After having a couple of shots at the Vic, they decided to make their way to The Albert. The atmosphere in the pub wasn’t the liveliest at the best of times, and Linda’s cocktail making skills were making the punters come in and then leave in quick succession, as if there was a revolving door put in.

They had all sat in a booth once they had arrived at his mum’s bar, some upbeat song from ten years ago bleeding loudly from the sound system and encasing the room. It was a busy night and the hectic pace of the club sent his pulse racing though his body even more. Lola and Callum had gone to the bar, and he couldn’t help watch his boyfriend. Watch as he placed an affectionate arm on Lola’s back. Watch as he smiled gently at the guy behind the bar taking his order. Watch as he didn’t even notice when some random sidled up next to him trying to get his attention. He just watched him.

“You worried he’s gonna do a runner if you take your eyes off him?” Jay shouted over the music, leaning in close to his ear. “I wouldn’t bother mate. You could skin a litter of puppies and he’d still look at you like the sun shone out your arse. You ain’t gonna go punch that geezer who’s trying to have a go, are you?”

Ben thought about it. Considered going over to the bar, the vodka spiking through his body and slam the man’s head against the wooden surface and let him know that he should keep his hands to himself. Callum still wasn’t giving him any attention though, laughing and joking with Lola, so he swallowed the jealously down. “I wouldn’t get us chucked out on your birthday, bruv,” he said with a smile towards Jay, giving him a slap on his back.

“It ain’t my bloody birthday!” he replied, as the music suddenly switched off completely, the sound echoing for a few seconds before the silence became encasing. “What’s going on?”

Slowly, Ben could make out a couple of voices start to sing, and then more people joined in with the familiar tune until the whole place was singing Happy Birthday. As the song continued, Lola and Callum were making their way back to the booth, carrying a huge tray filled with shots and cocktails, with sparklers coming out from every glass, throwing light everywhere. They put the drinks down in front of Jay as the song finished, both beaming from ear to ear.

“I hate my life,” he told them all, a small smile appearing on his face as he tried to put out the sparks on his birthday drinks, as the music suddenly sprang to life again.  
  
  


It could have been minutes or hours that they all sat there laughing and drinking. It was like time was moving sporadically and mischievously, blinking away the clock in one second and then standing it still the next. Ben could see his hand move up to brush Callum’s hair back into place before his mind even realised it was doing it. They were all in that fuzzy, tactile stage where emotions just dripped out and everything just felt so strong. His boyfriend was looking a little flustered, his cheeks blushed and lashes heavy. Ben couldn’t take his eyes off him.

He tried to follow the conversation, but it was it was racing past him like a formula one car. He caught it as it was lapping round and could hear what was being said, but ultimately he was just an observer. The buzzing of his skin made voices feel distant, but touch and their bodies felt visceral. The brush of Callum’s hand on his felt electric, the sting and spark compulsive and exhilarating.

When Callum was laughing at something Lola had said, Ben couldn’t resist it any more. He reached out turning his boyfriend’s head towards him, quickly silencing his questioning look by leaning up and meeting their lips together. Ben deepened the kiss, sitting up on his knees and turning his whole body towards Callum and threading his hands through his hair, bringing him as close as possible. He could feel Callum’s hands move around his body, but it was like they were kissing in half time, when he felt the touch, his fingers had moved to a different part, the ghost of the feeling lingering and tingling.

Finally pulling back, he tried to focus on Callum’s face; his darkened eyes and rose lips, glistening and shameless, still slightly parted as if willing to be claimed again. Ben didn’t want to sit around in the corner anymore. He didn’t want this to be hidden against the wall or lingering in the dark. “Do you wanna dance?”

They were on the dancefloor before Ben could even register his response, floating words called at him by Jay as they left the table, barely brushing his ear or registering in his mind. He didn’t really know the song, by now they had all just churned into one continuous pulse anyway, just chugging the rhythm and movement through his body.

Ben wasn’t even sure if the two of them were even moving that much, just pressing their bodies together as if the space was more crowded than it actually was. All his focus was on Callum’s eyes though. He knew that look that rested there, that took over and called out to him. Ben had seen it when they were alone, so often that he’s lost count in many moons since, but he knew it was usually just for him in private. The alcohol, the emotion and just them together was making Callum lose any inhibitions he had, and it was addictive for Ben, not wanting to wait a moment longer to scrabble at his boyfriend’s shirt and pull him down to him, their lips clashing together as both their hands fumbled impatiently against each other’s bodies. They were teasing each other, daring each other and it was more intoxicating than anything else he had consumed that night.

They were in public, right in the middle of a packed bar, but it didn’t feel it, or at least it didn’t seem to matter to either of them. When they finally broke away for a moment, Ben could sense people looking, could see that they were something of a spectacle. He could even make out the guy that was eying Callum up earlier. Or he thought he could. It may have just been someone else that replaced him in his head.

Ben didn’t care that they were looking. This wasn’t like all those nights that he shoved in the back of his mind and wanted to forget before they were even over. He wanted every moment of this to be seared in his brain. He wasn’t hidden in a corner fighting the feeling of shame and guilt and trying to drown it out. This feeling wasn’t going anywhere. He didn’t have to rush for it. He didn’t have to delay it. And he certainly didn’t want to hide it.

He could imagine that if Jay and Lola were still here, then they’d be rolling their eyes. Ben didn’t even look over to the booth to check if they had left though, pulling his boyfriend in tighter and slipping his hands down low to his bum, as Callum leaned in close nipping at his neck, the domination just pulling him further into the spell he fell under.

Their hands found each other’s, and they locked fingers tightly. Ben thought they were going to sit back down, his face flush and sweaty and his body swaying under the intensity. Callum quickly pulled him back in by the waist though, tight against his frame and Ben could feel him against his hip. He loved how turned on his boyfriend was by this, and he unashamedly moaned against his lips, knowing that if the room was a little quieter, the sound would echo around.

Ben slipped his hand underneath Callum’s shirt, scraping his nails against his waistband provocatively so his boyfriend was under no misconception about what he wanted. He was glad everyone was looking, All that time they had to hide, both separately and together, they deserved to be out here in the open like they were the only two people in the world and no one else mattered. They didn’t. Not now.

Feeling a little dazed, he drew back a little, standing on tiptoe to whisper in Callum’s ear. “Let’s get some water,” he said, slowing everything down before it became unbearable. Suddenly they were at the bar, the wooden surface pushing into Ben’s stomach slightly as Callum surrounded him from behind, leaning down and kissing and sucking on his neck relentlessly. He vaguely remembered ordering some water and two shots, and when they appeared before him, he gulped back some of the water as he tapped the card machine with an unsteady hand, Callum still holding his body tight to his, rubbing his hands on his hips possessively. Ben downed his shot and then sipped the last drop of his water as the payment went through.

Turning his body around, he pulled Callum up from his neck to his lips, wrapping his arms around his waist as he felt his back now be pushed harshly against the bar. “Would you get away from here so the rest of us can get a drink,” a voice reprimanded them with an aggravated tone, and Ben glanced to the side to see a man behind them looking with annoyance.

Ben was just about to give him a few choice words, when Callum let go of him a second, picked his shot up and downed it. He then grabbed Ben’s fingers with one hand, and flipped off the man with the other, as he dragged him away from the bar.  
  


Breaking into fits of laughter that he thought he’d never be able to stop, he only felt it die down when Callum pulled him outside and the cool air hit his face, sobering him up a little immediately. “What kind of influence am I having on you, eh?” Ben remarked as he continued to be led down the road a little. “You are such a feisty drunk.”

“You’re a lot more tipsy than I am,” Callum said, looking down at him with a flushed smile. “Besides, I’m allowed to have a bit of a drink. I’m a free and single man!”

“No you fucking ain’t!” Ben replied, and no sooner had the words left his lips, he suddenly felt himself be pushed backwards down an ally, not even acknowledging what was happening until his back hit the wall with a bruising sting.

“I’ve been thinking about this since Stuart told me about you and that bloke down here,” Callum huffed out, his breath quick and harsh and his eyes focused. He moved his head forward slightly, nipping delicate kisses by Ben’s ear in harsh contrast in the forceful way his hands were shoving and keeping his hips pinned against the wall. “Wanting to do this since then.”

“You ain’t still angry about that are you?” Ben asked, as Callum’s hands roughly started to undo his belt, pulling jaggedly. “You know it weren’t like that. It was a business thing. Some guy angry about the money he thought I owed.”

“I’m furious about that,” Callum said through gritted teeth, as he undid Ben’s jeans and shoved his hand in unceremoniously. Ben couldn’t help but gasp back a moan, his head hitting the wall at the sensation, as Callum started roughly stroking him. It was messy, awkward and haphazard but it was bliss. “But not for that reason. The idea of him having his hands on you, of trying to hurt you, that’s what makes me angry.”

Almost instinctively, Ben reached out and started to undo Callum’s jean’s pulling them down a little to give him access. There was noise from the road to the side of them, and blurring figures that passed, but he didn’t care as he pulled Callum out and started to move his hand in the same staggering tempo. “You’re so sexy when you’re like this,” Ben spluttered out, as he felt his boyfriend go back to sucking and nipping at his neck.

“You know me and I know you like no one else does,” Callum said with staggered breaths, leaning back a little so that Ben could see his eyes. They were strong, and determined, and his hand was still moving relentlessly and stroking with insistency, their bodies pushed together uncomfortably, but they didn’t feel that. He didn’t feel the scraping brickwork pinching its way through his shirt to scratch his back, or the fact his neck would be sure to ache tomorrow from being pushed back. He didn’t feel the roughness of Callum’s palm making everything just a little too sensitive. All he felt was a surging rhythm, the same he’d been feeling all night, grow stronger and more intense. “I won’t let anyone come between us, ever. Promise.”

The kiss Callum planted on his nose, was delicate and sweet in contrast to the fierceness of the movement of their hands as they stroked and rubbed and caressed each other, fumbling and rocking off beat, both grunting audibly and dirtily while never loosing contact with their eyes.

When Ben finally came, he tipped over the edge of the continual buzz in him that had been building all night. His movements for Callum continued, shaky and earching with his groping, but it managed to pull Callum over with him. Ben just lent his head back, letting the feeling wash over him in waves with the knowledge that this wouldn’t disappear in a regret. It stayed and was warming and when he felt Callum’s forehead fall on his shoulder with a chuckle, he knew he could never go back again.

“I’m hungry,” Callum muttered out, his voice muffled into Ben’s shirt. He couldn’t help but laugh at that. Gingerly he pushed off the wall a little, tapping Callum on the arm to remind him to move. There was a little bit of sober thought coming through his head that they were just leaning here with their jeans around their thighs down an ally, and the clubs would be chucking out soon, with the world and his wife wandering by.

“I’ve left my jacket in the bar,” Ben said, as they sorted themselves back into some kind of presentable state. “Come on, we’ll go back and grab it and then I’ll treat you to a slap up dinner.”

“You’re just eating all the chips with the sauce on!”

“I’m not!” Ben scowled back across the picnic table. “I said I’d get you your own one, but you’re the one who wanted to share a kebab like we’re some kind of low rent Lady and the Tramp!”

“Aww, we’ll get a collar on you yet,” Callum said reaching across and ruffling his hair.

“Kinky,” Ben smirked back, planting a kiss on his boyfriend’s palm. They were sitting in the park in the moonlight, perched on a park bench eating a take away they had got once they’d left the Albert for the second time. The alcohol had worn off a little, but was still there to give the night a fuzzy glow and for him to want it never to end.

Ben’s mind couldn’t help but come back to the issue of the stolen ring now a little of the alcohol had worn away. It wasn’t that he was afraid of asking Callum for his reaction, he just didn’t want to hurt him. The dreams were still happening. They weren’t getting any worse, but they were still relentless and often. The panic attacks happened less frequently, but every time they did, it scared Ben to death. The fact that Callum couldn’t seem to catch his breath, and the look of horror in his eyes. Every time he brought up going to see someone it just ended up in an argument that left Callum more upset, so in the end he was just there, comforting him and trying to sooth the impossible better.

He did hope that maybe Callum would end up just telling him, and he tried to perhaps unsubtly bring the opportunity into conversation now. “What’s the worst thing you’ve ever done?” he asked, grabbing another bit of donner meat from the polystyrene container.

Callum seemed to think about it for a second, chewing on a few chips as he made up his decision. “Cheating on Whit with you,” he said finally.

Ben widened his eyes. “Oh cheers, babe,” he said smacking Callum’s hand away when he reached for another chip.

“I don’t mean it like that, do I?” Callum replied, linking their fingers. “I meant I wish that I’d got with you as soon as we met and broke up with Whitney then. I spent months hurting both of you, and that’s something that will never go away. I regret cheating. I don’t regret that it was you.”

“Fair enough,” Ben conceded, pushing the kebab back nearer to his boyfriend. “But what about something really bad. You ever done anything proper bad?”

“Well, you always harp on about how bad you are and I’ve done you a lot,” Callum replied, leaning to peck Ben’s cheek, with a smirk.

“Oi Oi!” a voice loudly exclaimed behind them. Ben looked around to see Jay and Lola staggering up to them, boxes of fried chicken in hand. “We found you then after you rudely abandoned us on my birthday.”

“We wondered where you got to,” Callum said. They had a brief look round the Albert once they went back in there for Ben’s coat, but the pair were nowhere to be seen. Jay and Lola came and sat down at the bench now, joining them.

“We went to get some food to mop some of that vodka up,” Lola replied hiccupping slightly. “I wish we got a kebab now I’ve seen that, don’t you?”

“You’re the one that chose McKlunkies!” Jay exclaimed. “I just followed you in!”

“Right, well as much as I’d love to sit around here and chat about Walford’s finest cuisine all night, my arse is getting cold, sitting on this bench, so we’re gonna head off home,” Ben stated, starting to get up.

“You’re getting old mate!” Jay chuckled. “You never used to clamber in till the early hours.”

“I’ve had a bit of a dance, a piss up, a hand job and a kebab,” Ben replied as Lola screwed up her face and Callum started shaking his head, getting up and following his boyfriend. “It’s basically been my ideal evening, and I don’t need to stay out any longer cause I’ve got my fella to go home and cuddle with! Don’t do anything I wouldn’t do. If that bench could talk…”

When Ben’s eyes opened, the first sensation was that someone was rocking the bed while simultaneously spinning the room around. He felt like he was sat in the middle of a merry go round, as still as a statue as everything around him spun and twisted. Fumbling towards the nightstand, his fingers hit the arm of his glasses and his unsure fingers grabbed them before he precariously balanced them on his nose.

Trying to sit up, his head decided that it had turned into a medicine ball during the few hours sleep he had got; it was heavy and swaying and he had to put it back down on the pillow for another moment. Gathering all the effort he could, he used his arms to pull himself up into a sitting position, his stomach lurching slightly before deciding to finally settle.

The room was still dim, and there was no sign of the dawn sunlight creeping through the window. Ben glanced at the clock. He had barely been asleep a few hours and his body was certainly feeling the effects of the night before. Why was he awake then?

Without even needing to glance to the side, he realised that the bed was empty. The feeling of dread set in again, as it had the other nights he found a cooling, empty sheet. If it was a bad dream that Callum had, then it must have been vivid to wake him up after he’d drunk enough to knock him out earlier. It was more than likely a panic attack. The pacifying effect of the alcohol wearing off and just leaving him with a mess of emotions.

Ben pulled himself out of bed, ignoring the fact his body was screaming that it wasn’t quite ready. He made a note to check he had some of that strong coffee at the back of the cupboard, ready for the morning. As soon as he left the bedroom, he could see the light coming from the bathroom. Their life would be so much easier if they had an en-suite. Making his way there, he pushed open the door.

Callum was lying on the tiled floor, cheek down, looking at him with bleary eyes. “I think I’m dying,” he proclaimed dramatically. Ben smiled softly at him, pleased that it was just the delayed effects of the night’s drinking that had caused him to be out of bed. This he could deal with.

“You’re not dying,” Ben replied, bending down and placing the back of his hand on Callum’s forehead. “No one who can crawl their way to the bathroom to chuck up after a night out is going to kick the bucket.”

“Do you think it was those drinks Linda give us that made me ill?” Callum asked, his eyes hopeful as he pushed himself up on a shaky arm, clinging to the side of the bath to bring himself up to full height. He wobbled slightly as he walked towards Ben, only making it halfway before he had to lean on the wall.

“Could have been I suppose,” Ben said, taking hold of his hand to encourage him along. “It might have also been the other three cocktails, two beers and five shots of vodka you chucked down your gullet. Take your pick.”

Ben led him into the lounge, giving him a little shove to go sit on the couch, while he went over to the sink. Callum automatically leaned over, his body falling into a horizontal position on the sofa, and rested his head on the cushions with a groan. Returning with a glass of water and a washing up bowl, Ben gently lifted Callum’s head up, resting it back on his thigh once he sat down.

“You should have some water,” Ben said, stroking his hair gently.

“It’ll make me be sick again,” Callum replied with a slight whine.

Ben gave a chuckle. “Well that’s why I brought the bowl over,” he replied. “Don’t want you chucking up over your divorce papers.”

“I wasn’t the best at being married,” Callum muttered out, the intoxication of the evening making his voice heavy once more. “Not a good husband.”

“Yeah, shagging the local heartthrob before and after you get married ain’t gonna make you the star pick in Newlyweds Monthly,” Ben replied with a smirk, tangling his fingers through Callum’s hair and then sliding them down his cheek. “I’m not even sure why I bother with you.”

“Liar,” Callum mumbled. “You’re a terrible liar, I can always tell when you’re lying. I’m a much better liar than you.”

Ben wondered what Callum would do If only he knew about the secret he was holding now. He wouldn’t just accuse him of being a liar; he could just walk out on him. It was a risk he had to take. He couldn’t let Callum get hurt. “Okay, babe, whatever you say,” Ben said, giving him a placating rub on his arm.

“You won’t leave…and…me…the truth,” Callum slurred, his eyes becoming heavy and tired, fighting a losing battle to stay open. Ben gave him a little tap to get him to repeat what he was saying. “Promise you won’t leave me.”

“Of course not,” Ben said, softly. “I’m not gonna leave you. Promise.”

“You’re mad…with what I’ve done,” Callum whispered, and again Ben gave him a little shake to try and make the words come out. “I don’t want you to be mad at me.”

Ben smiled. “You’ve just had a bit too much to drink, babe. I ain’t mad. As long as you don’t hurl your guts up on my leg!” he replied. “I’d do anything for you.”

He thought Callum had drifted off for a moment before his voice mumbled one last phrase. “You’re such a good husband.”

And if any words were going to keep Ben awake, it would be those.

  
  
“What you got a face on you for?”

Ben glared back at his sister, but didn’t tell her what was wrong. How could he? He had received a text this morning, reminding him that he still hadn’t got any money for Buzz Cut. The gear was still hidden in the back of The Arches. As long as no one attempted a spring clean in the hours he wasn’t there, it would stay that way.

It had to be the Arches, though he spent more of his time at the Car Lot. There was no way he was keeping anything there. That was Jay’s place. He couldn’t risk it. He wasn’t about to let him take the rap for Ben’s own stupid mistakes. He wasn’t going to bring down anyone else he loved into this. Not Jay. Not Louise. And certainly not Callum.

“Having to try and enjoy my lunch while hearing your stories about baby sick ain’t exactly going to put me in the best mood, is it?” he remarked, trying to move the subject on him. “How are you anyway?”

“You had a personality transplant or something? Since when do you want to talk about my life?” she preened back, before her face softened. “Managing. Just.”

“You’re better off without him Lou,” he replied, trying to reassure her.

“Oh well, if Callum leaves you, I’ll repeat that sentiment!” she responded back harshly. “If that were me saying it, you’d have skittled off in a huff by now.”

Ben couldn’t disagree with her, and he had a feeling in his belly that’s where it was heading for him. Absently, he played with his keys, trying to hide the fact he was considering her words too closely.

“Why exactly have you got a West Ham keychain?” his sister asked, screwing up her face.

He put the keys down with a shrug. “Picked up the wrong set again,” he replied, not even noticing when he left the flat that morning.

“What’s yours got on it?” she replied. “Keys to your flat, the car lot, the Arches and the symbol of the anti-christ?”

“Yeah, very funny. I’ll try not to stagger over as my sides split,” he said, leaning back and folding his arms.

“Seriously, Ben. What’s got you in this mood?” Louise asked, brow furrowed. “Look at my life! I should be the one that’s moping over my sandwich! Whatever the problem is, maybe talk to dad. Ask him for help if you need it.”

Ben stared back at her opened mouthed. “Are you joking? Those sleepless nights are making you go doolally!”

“I mean it, Ben. It might help him deal with everything; remembering he’s got other children, other family. That he ain’t so alone,” she assured him. “It’ll do him some good, to show he can still help and be useful.”

Ben considered it and just the thought of letting someone else taking on a little of his problems took a weight off his shoulders. There was part of him that knew his dad would consider him weak if he admitted that he was in debt again, and couldn’t go through with the deal. Yet, Ben knew that his dad would help him, and he and Callum would be safe and out of this mess. He decided to go round there after lunch. Maybe he wouldn’t help him, but perhaps he could finally start to get his life sorted.

The sound of the door opening behind him didn’t give him cause for concern at first. It wasn’t until he saw Mick look fitfully between him and whoever had just come in, that he realised there could be a problem. “I don’t want any trouble, alright son?” the landlord warned him.

When Ben caught the look on his sister’s face he knew exactly who had entered the pub.

“Lou, go home!” he ordered, without even needing to turn around.

“I just want to talk to you, Louise,” Keanu remarked, coming to stand by the table. “I want to see my daughter.”

“Well which is it? You want to talk to your daughter or you want to talk to my sister?” Ben said, gritting his teeth. “There’s only two choices there. Even you can count that high, Keanu.”

“This isn’t anything to do with you, Ben,” he replied, dismissing him with his hand.

“This is my sister. Family means something to me,” he spat back. “I don’t think of a family as something I can just shag my way through!”

Keanu turned away from him. “I just want to talk,” he said quietly to Louise. “Can we please just go somewhere?”

Ben gave a humourless laugh. “She ain’t going nowhere with you.”

“I can speak for myself! And I’m going home!” Louise shouted, sliding out of the booth, and raising her hand from stopping the two men who were about to go after her. “Alone!”

When she left the pub, Keanu continued to try and follow her, but Ben blocked his path. “Get out of my way, Ben. I just want to see my baby.”

“Which one?” he scoffed back. “The one here or the one half way round the world. Grow up, Keanu!”

“I need to grow up?” Keanu said, glaring in Ben’s direction. “This is coming from someone who chucks a paddy when he doesn’t give him the attention he wants. Anything goes wrong, and off Ben runs to Phil. Come back and talk to me about growing up when you stop running to daddy with every problem.”

Turning around, he made his way out. Ben gave a nod to Mick to stand down. As much as he hated to admit it, Keanu had got into his head a little. He couldn’t go and ask his dad’s help. This was his mess, and he’d be the one to get out of it.

“Shush, shush! I think I hear the door!”

“That weren’t this door,” Callum said draping the last bit of tinsel around the office. “That were from the market. He’s probably caught in the line at the caff.”

Ben flipped on the fairy lights, stood back and admired their work. There was a small white tree in the corner, adorned with an angel missing a halo and only one wing, a wobbly Santa sitting on the desk and tinsel of every colour draped around any surface it would stay up on. “Callum, it’s the caff,” he replied. “Not Starbucks. All Marie’s got to do is flip a switch on the coffee machine; it don’t take that long.”

“He’s gonna go off on one when he comes back,” Callum said, raising eyebrows in warning. He’d been saying the same thing for the last half an hour, and at least three times when Ben mentioned it the night before.

“It’s Christmas, Callum!” Ben remarked, waving his arms around him. “How can anyone possibly get mad at a few decorations on what is supposed to be the most wonderful time of the year?”

Before his boyfriend could answer, there was a loud bang that this time they both recognised as the distinct sound of the parlour door slamming. Ben quickly gestured his hand at the old cd player that was plugged in, signalling to turn it on. Callum gave it a whack with his elbow and ‘The Twelve Days of Christmas’ started belting out of the tinny speaker.

Slowly, the door opened and a bemused Jay poked his head in, his face becoming even more befuddled as he took in the room around him.

“Merry Christmas!” the room’s occupants both shouted, and Ben walked over to Jay, planted a large Santa hat on his head and gave him a brief hug. “Happy Christmas, Bruv. Here’s to a cracking New Year, eh?”

Jay looked at him slowly, then turned his head towards Callum quizzically as if expecting him to explain, before looking back at Ben again. “It’s bloody November!” he exclaimed, shaking his head before going to sit down on his chair. He cursed under his breath when he found a small reindeer toy sitting on it. “It’s November bloody twenty sixth!”

“Exactly!” Ben said, perching on the desk with a grin. “It’s your annual work’s Christmas dinner, ain’t it? You can’t have it too late, everywhere will be booked up. They might not fit us in!”

“You don’t even sodding work here!” Jay shouted, shaking some glitter off a coffin brochure.

“I’m his plus one, ain’t I?” Ben said nodding towards Callum. “Come on, shake a leg before your face looks so miserable that Big Nige mistakes you for a punter and shoves you six feet under.”

“Are you in this on this too? I expected better from you, MIck!” Jay scolded when they entered the Vic.

The pub looked the same as usual, a few of the old market boys supping slowly at a lunch time beer, but otherwise still quiet. The only major change was the one table that had a snowman tablecloth on it, three crackers and bits of holly.

“You know me, son,” Mick said, pressing the left antler on the headband he was wearing. ‘Ruldolph the Red Nose Reindeer’ started clanging out, as red LEDs cheerfully fluttered through the fur. “I live to serve my locals.”

“I’ll get us some drinks, yeah?” Callum said, running his hand down Ben’s back. “You go sit down.”

Ben smiled as his boyfriend went to chat to Mick, before sitting down at the table with Jay. “Are you enjoying your surprise, then bruv?” he said with a smile. “I accosted Tracey earlier and she’s gonna shove a couple of drumsticks on your plate for you. Got the fancy Bisto and all she has! No expense spared for you.”

“Well it weren’t exactly a surprise, were it?” Jay said, brushing some holly out the way. “You did the same thing last year! And don’t start making out this is all for my benefit! You wouldn’t even let me have one of your crisps the other day; you hit my hand with the stapler when I went for the bag, so there ain’t a hope in hell you did all this for me.”

“No, why’d I do it then?” Ben said, as his phone vibrated in his pocket. He pulled it out to glance at the message. Jay gesticulated wildly towards the man standing at the bar getting their drinks. Ben sighed. “Alright! Alright! It makes him happy and you get some free grub out of it, so stop your whining or I’ll bring Big Nigel with us next year.”

Ben looked at his phone and didn’t recognise the number. The simple message of _‘One month to go’_ appeared, and there was no mistaking who the contact was. There wasn’t much need for the reminder either. He knew what he had to do and he knew how long he had left. There was just part of Ben hoping that there would be some way out. Some magical loophole that meant he didn’t have to sell gear to some untrustworthy dealer, or that he didn’t have to sell it at all. He’d made a promise to Callum and he was so close to breaking it, and if he didn’t then someone was going to break his face. Or something he cared about a lot more.

“He don’t look that happy at the moment,” Jay said nodding towards the bar. “He had a falling out with Mick or something?”

Ben turned around to see Mick and Callum with their heads close over the bar, both wearing serious expressions and deep in discussion. He could tell that Mick had been panicking slightly recently over all of Ben’s questions about the ring that bought this place. It wasn’t that he wanted to worry the landlord, or get him to break his confidence to Callum. He just needed to know. There were too many secrets going around.

Callum picked up the drinks and then bought them back to the bar. “There we go, Mick said we could have them on the house!” he said, placing them gently on the tablecloth, trying to avoid the holly that littered the space.

“Well you do own the place, so I should hope we’d get a freebie every now and then,” Ben said. The words spilled out of his mouth before he thought and Callum’s smile dropped momentarily. If for no other reason than to give his boyfriend some peace, they needed to get this out in the open.

“What did you just say?” Jay asked, before Ben waved his question away. “Are we going to pull a cracker or what? And don’t you dare say ‘I already have!’ or whatever other comment you got. Callum! Will you stop shaking it! It ain’t a sodding snow globe!”

“On the box one of the prizes was a Swiss Army knife!” he mentioned, picking up Jay’s cracker to rattle it. “I always wanted one as a kid, I’m hoping it’s in one of the three we left out.”

“You was in the army, mate!” Jay replied in disbelief. “You had bigger weapons than something you get in a Christmas Cracker.”

“Yeah, not the Swiss army though,” Ben replied, snatching his cracker into his hand before Callum could reach for it. “They only arm you with chocolate, cheese and a weapon you can uncork a bottle of wine with!”

“Well let’s hope your one has a calendar in it, so I can beat you round the head with it every morning,” Jay said with a huff, before raising his glass. “Right, well. Merry bloody Christmas!”

As Ben clinked his glass with the others, he noticed another text appear on his phone screen.

_'Tick Tick'._

“Shall we have linguine instead? I know it’s supposed to be spag bol, but I prefer the shape, don’t you?” Callum said, shuffling through the cupboards. “I’m still quite stuffed from that lunch though so I won’t start it for a while.”

“Callum, where did you get the money that Mick and Linda used for the Vic?” Ben asked. He had enough, he couldn’t deal with the fact he knew there was something Callum was hiding from him. It just kept lingering between them, and it just seemed to escalate to an unbearable level since lunch.

“I told you,” Callum said calmly, but his actions gave him away, as he opened and closed cupboards without really looking inside. “It was from my grandad’s ring.”

“Don’t lie to me,” Ben replied, and he could hear the tone darken in his voice.

“I’m not,” Callum said, turning and facing him open eyed.

“Don’t lie to me!” Ben repeated even louder, and his mind shivered as he realised the hypocrisy in the command. “Not you. Not to me. Callum, where did you get the money.”

Holding Ben’s gaze, he could see his boyfriend thinking something through in his head, deciding if this was the moment he should tell or not. He came and sat down on the sofa opposite Ben, the meal forgotten for now. “It weren’t a lie,” he said quietly. “Not really. It were from a ring.”

“And where did the ring come from?” Ben asked, though the puzzle pieces had long come together. There was still a piece or to missing, but the picture was more than clear. Callum was quiet, as if he couldn’t still quite get the words out. “From the Maguires, yeah?”

“I stole it,” he admitted. “I can’t say I knew it was gonna be worth a quarter of a million. Did your Dad tell you?”

Ben shook his head. “Not in so many words,” he responded. “You didn’t rush to give it back then. How the hell were you involved in all of that?”

Callum looked at him, squinting slightly as he muttered out his answer. “I was working for Mrs Maguire. You want to tell me how you know all about it?” he said, sitting back accusingly.

It was Ben’s turn to give reluctant answers now. “Well, all that gear she was transporting, Aiden wanted it, didn’t he?” he replied vaguely. “And he put a motley crew together with my dad.”

Nodding in confirmation, Callum sighed. “Yeah, they took everything from the van,” he replied a little regretfully. “Mick said he only got involved so he could get some cash to keep The Vic, but one of them made off with the money. It had to be Maguire, there weren’t no one else who would have done it.”

“It weren’t him,” Ben said, a slight wry smile appearing on his face.

Callum scoffed at that. “What you trust him do you?” he asked, unconvinced at the answer. “A crook as bent as that?”

“Not as far as I could throw him,” Ben confirmed. “But he didn’t take anything.”

Frowning in disbelief, Callum started to pick at the skin on his thumb. “Well, if he didn’t who did?” he asked, before a look of realisation hit his face, and he abruptly sat up straight. “Ben! You didn’t!”

“Uh, excuse me! Don’t get all high and mighty when I just found out I’m living with Clooney from Oceans 11 and had no clue!” he replied, pointing accusingly at Callum.

“What did you do with it?” he asked, deflecting the accusation.

“Just my luck, it got stolen back. I heard that the Maguires got it all back in the end anyway,” he replied, not wanting to admit that he certainly knew they had got everything back.

“You didn’t get to keep any of it?”

Ben was going to deny it, but he couldn’t with Callum. He smirked. “I kept hold of a necklace.”

“A necklace?” Callum replied, as if he couldn’t quite believe it. “Same kind as my ring?”

Ben nodded. “I gave it to my mum before I left.”

“So you’re telling me that Kathy’s got stolen goods rattling around in her jewellery box?” Callum asked.

“Nah, me and my mum are more alike than you’d think,” he replied. “She went and sold it, didn’t she?

The realisation came over Callum’s face. “The Prince Albert? Seriously,” he said with a laugh. “You’re mum opened a gay bar with a knocked off piece of jewellery?”

“You did the same thing!” Ben exclaimed. “We both gave a ridiculous amount of money to those people we care about! What are the odds? You know that we own half a million quids worth of businesses between us, Callum! We’re sitting here in this tiny poxy flat that we rent from a guy who hates my guts, and you won’t even let me buy brand name crisps when I go shopping in case it breaks our budget!”

“I like our tiny, poxy little flat!” Callum replied defensively.

“That’s the point though!” Ben said with a sigh. “It ain’t ours!”

“Well, it’s the only proper home I’ve ever had, where it don’t feel like I’m taking up someone else’s space,” he said, grabbing Ben’s hand. “I feel like it’s ours. I feel safe. When I’m with you, I feel safe.”

Ben dropped his gaze guiltily, focusing on the little grooves on Callum’s finger. “I don’t feel like I keep you safe,” he whispered, and the honest confession caught in his throat judgementally. “When you have those dreams or panic attacks. The way you been getting worse the last few months. That ain’t me keeping you safe.”

“That ain’t anything to do with you,” Callum responded dismissively.

“What is it to do with then?” Ben asked, clinging on even tighter to his boyfriend’s hand. “Was it going back to when you stole the ring? Was it the army? How did you end in a sodding heist anyway?”

“I forgot I even did it at first,” Callum said, and Ben could tell he was still avoiding the question; still trying to avoid talking about what he was going through now. “Taking the ring, I mean. After I shot Mick, and he was in a bad way, bleeding all over the place, it weren’t at the top of my mind that I had it.”

“Wait, what do you mean you shot Mick?” Ben asked, thinking he must have misheard somewhere along the way.

“When they all come at us in the van,” he confessed, as Ben’s mouth dropped open. “I only shot him a little bit.”

“You can’t shoot someone a little bit with a gun, babe,” Ben explained, not really meaning to be condescending, but that’s what it sounded like when it left his lips. “Either you did or you didn’t. It ain’t like a water pistol where you get someone a bit damp.”

“Yeah, I got that when there was blood pouring out of him,” Callum said, shaking his head, and pulling his hand out of Ben’s grip.

“Why’d you shoot him?” Ben asked, trying to soften his voice slightly. The last thing he wanted to do was hurt Callum, or take him to a dark place.

“It was my job to take care of the stuff we was transporting,” he replied, before huffing. “You know the stuff you ended up nicking?”

“Yeah alright!” he said holding his hands up, before a grin appeared on his face. “Sorry, I didn’t predict I’d end up falling for the guy I nicked it from! How’d you get the job?”

“From some guys in the army,” he said with a shrug. “They were recruited by the Maguires; been used by them for years. Even though they weren’t together, Mrs Maguire still used the same contacts.”

“And these army guys recruited you? You was still in the army though weren’t you?” he asked, confused at how his boyfriend would get mixed up with people like the Maguires.

“Yeah, but I was on leave and just needed to have something to do. And I heard about this job,” Callum paused for a second. “When we’re on leave it just feels so strange. You’re so used to just living on the edge all the time in the army. Then when you come out of that, you feel like an animal that’s been living in a zoo and all of a sudden you’re returned to the wild. There’s none of that structure that helps you survive. One of the guys gave me a number and I got in touch.”

He paused. The memory of it clearly flooding back a little, and it couldn’t all be good. Ben grabbed hold of his hand again, holding it tightly so he couldn’t be shaken off. “The first couple of jobs were just a few packages. A couple of us would drive and drop them off. Simple really.”

“They give you a gun?” Ben asked, knowing that type of job was never simple.

“Yeah,” he said with a nod as if it were the most obvious item in the world to receive when you started a new job.

Ben waited for more to come, but Callum seemed reluctant to speak much further. “And you were alright with that?”

“I was in the army, Ben! They don’t set you off with a ham sandwich and a sling shot,” he replied with a huff. Ben nodded. Perhaps he did try and protect his boyfriend a little too much.

“I know you was in the army,” he answered softly. “I guess I just don’t think about it as much as I should. You were in catering though weren’t you?”

“I was in Afghanistan, Ben, not flogging burgers down the market. It’s a different place,” he replied, as his eyes seemed to travel back there. “You have to be ready for anything at any time, and they prepare you for that. If you’re needed, you go!”

“Maybe I just don’t like to think about it,” he whispered, as though that would wind back time and make it untrue. “What you went through then.”

Callum’s eyes lowered and his expression looked lost. Ben rubbed at his thumb, trying to make him stay with him and not go missing in his head. “I don’t either,” he admitted. “But it don’t go away.”

Ben didn’t want him to think about the army anymore. Any compulsion he had about Callum talking about how he felt and what he was going through had retreated. It was cowardly on his part, perhaps, but he didn’t want to be responsible for bringing all these feelings out when he wasn’t sure they could be fixed. Sometimes things just stayed broken, and Ben wasn’t’ ready to admit that. “So you did these jobs for Mrs Maguire, yeah? I assume you knew it weren’t just a litter of hamsters you were couriering?”

Callum gave a small nod. “When most people go on leave they go back to their wives, their boyfriends or their kids,” he explained, and Ben could almost hear his boyfriend brethe deeper as he opened up doors to the past. “Or even if they don’t have that, then they got parents or friends they look forward to seeing. It takes away a bit of that itch; that feeling of being on edge, being ready all the time, like a kettle that clicks off so it don’t over boil. Being around people you love simmers some of that tension away, the other guys used to say.”

“I suppose going back to Jonno and Stuart didn’t really do that?” Ben said, with a roll of his eyes. He couldn’t think of anything worse at the best of times, let alone coming back from a warzone.

“Nah, can’t say I ever looked forward to spending time back with my dad. Stu was alright, he was always happy to see me, but we just used to spend all day in the pub,” he said, the monotony of the memory showing on his face. “All the fellas there just wanted me to talk about the army or they’d try and get me to have a go at the barmaid.”

“When my grandad was alive I used to go and stay with him for a bit. That was good. He was a right little hustler, always three steps ahead of everyone else, though he used to look like butter wouldn’t melt. We used to go down the community centre and I’d dance with all the old girls and we’d bake together. He used to ruffle my hair and say how soft I was, but I knew he could see it in my eyes. How similar we were,” Callum replied, and his eyes shone, the tears trying to hide. “He was in the war too see. Him and his mates never talked about it unless they had to. They had all these medals between them, boxes and boxes of them, but they never liked to look at them.”

Ben daren’t interrupt. He had his own demons, those ones that tore apart his insides and would never sleep. In a way, it was almost more painful to hear about someone else’s monsters. Especially when you cared about that person more than you did yourself.

On Remembrance Day, they all used to take the medals out and dust them off,” Callum continued. “But it weren’t pride on their face when they put them on. It weren’t to show heroism, though they were all heroes. It was almost as a penance. Something to weigh the soul down as a reminder to never forget those times of horror. Ridiculous really. As if they could ever forget.”

Ben nodded, though it wasn’t necessarily through total understanding. He’s had awful things happen in his life, and they haunted him, those constant pale companions. What Callum was talking about was on a different scale.

“Stu and dad used to send me back to the army with a slap on the back and telling me I was serving Queen and country,” Callum remarked, a slight look of scorn bleeding from his face. “Real men’s work’ they called it. Grandad never did that. He used to grip my hand and give me a look. Like I might never come back. He never wanted me to go back.”

“I wish you’d never gone, but then maybe we wouldn’t have met, and I’m selfish so I wouldn’t have wanted that opportunity to slip by. It almost happened, didn’t it? We missed each other. When you went to go stay with Mick, then I left.” Ben said, biting his lip and reflecting on what could have been. “My gorgeous little criminal. I can’t believe you never told me.”

“It never really came up,” Callum said, shoving Ben when he gave a choke of disbelief. “It didn’t! What was I going to say? ‘Pass the salt and by the way did I tell you about the time I was involved in a heist and shot my best mate?’ Ain’t exactly normal dinner conversation!”

“Don’t give me that!” Ben replied, wagging his finger at him. “You’ve called me out for not telling you everything, which you were right to do. Anything else I should know? Have a hand in Hatton Garden? Plotted to steal the crown jewels? Replaced the Mona Lisa with a forgery and got the real one tucked under your bed?”

“No!” Callum said, turning his eyes down as if he were offended by the accusation. “How about you? Anything else I should know?”

Ben thought about Buzz Cut and the new deal. It would be so easy to admit that all now, to bring Callum in and share the burden. Then he thought about what Callum said earlier. This was his home. Ben was his home. His safe place. He was going to keep him safe no matter what. Even if it ended with his boyfriend hating him. Ben had to take that risk.

“No. Nothing else.”


	13. Two Presents

“You know it’s Christmas Eve that you’re supposed to creep up in the middle of the night to check if Santa’s come? It’s still three days to go. Callum?”

Ben approached cautiously. The kitchen was dimly lit, just the glow from the fairy lights letting him make out the shapes and silhouettes of the familiar objects. The lights flashed merrily in the darkness, unaware and oblivious to the melancholy filling the rest of the vicinity. In the middle of the kitchen floor, Callum sat, surrounded by a hotchpotch of containers, bottles and jars. The scent of clawing citrus and peroxide hit Ben’s nose, blocking out any of the spiced cinnamon and cookie air fresheners that Kathy had brought round to add to the festive feel. Despite the rest of the decorations, the bleached odour made the place feel sterile, like a hospital or prison, and those weren’t places that Ben could ever feel settled in.

Callum was on his knees with his arm stretched into the empty cupboard. The scraping of the rough scrubbing echoed harshly in the room, as he ploughed his arm back and forth, hair falling rebelliously over into his forehead.

“I forgot this one,” he said, still moving the cloth repeatedly and consistently over the spotless surface. “Remember, when I did all the cupboards out before I put the decorations up? I just realised I missed this one.”

“And that needs to be done at two o’clock in the morning, does it?” Ben asked, trying to keep his voice neutral and as non-judgemental as he could. When Callum spoke, his words were choked and broken, like his speech was fighting with his breath to escape his lips.

“Busy tomorrow, ain’t we?” he replied, his words chopped and sharp with the fight to form over the exertion of exhaling.

It wasn’t a surprise that this was happening. Earlier in the evening though, Callum had seemed relaxed and happy. That’s how he had seemed anyway. Tomorrow was the day they were going to visit his mum in prison. Ben understood the pressure of that a little, though nothing about the situation was Callum’s fault. He knew that his boyfriend still blamed himself, even if it wasn’t knowingly; the sting of culpability was ricocheting though his body at all times and it now chose to explode at two am this morning.

Ben never thought of himself as cautious, but now he slowly made his way closer to Callum. As he got nearer, he saw even more visual reminders of the internal battle that Callum was continually fighting. The hand that wasn’t scrubbing was ticking to his side, and there was sweat and tears dripping tenaciously down his face. Even from here, he could see the redness start to appear on the hand that was cleaning the cupboard.

There was only so long that Ben could ever be patient, and he now used quick strides to carry him the final distance into the kitchen, falling to his knees beside Callum. “Stop,” he ordered, his voice firm but quiet as he placed his hand over Callum’s fingers. The movement stopped immediately and the whole room stilled, just the sound of breathing breaking the air.

They stayed like that for a few moments, the Christmas tree merrily twinkling and almost taunting their stance. Eventually, Callum started to turn his head around. Ben noticed his eyes, the normal bright blue seeming like frozen, misty water, the white of his eyes reddened and sore with tiredness. As soon as they met Ben’s and clicked together in a gaze, Callum just fell apart.

Before he even realised he was doing it, Ben pulled him into the crook of his neck letting Callum just cry. He just gently brushed his lips to his forehead to let him know he was there, barely even a kiss. Callum’s fingertips dug into his arms in a way he knew would bruise, but he wanted him to have something to cling onto; to anchor him to this world and what he had in it.

After a while, his boyfriend’s breathing started to settle a little, It was still audible and had a hectic edge, but the calmness was coming in. “I’m sorry,” he mumbled into Ben’s shoulder. “Not knowing what’s going to happen, it’s doing my head in. I can’t stop thinking about it and what might go wrong.”

Ben could empathise with that. Callum hadn’t seen his mum for years and years, and she was just a spark of a memory in his mind. There were so many ways the meeting tomorrow could go and the unknowing and ambiguity of the result had to be sieging Callum’s mind. 

“Come on,” Ben whispered into his ear, scratching the back on his neck affectionately. “I think my knees are close to fusing into this position permanently.”

Callum leaned back a little, running his hands roughly over his face and through his hair with a deep sigh. He looked exhausted, like he’d completed a triathlon without any training, and almost everything he had was drained out. Ben stood up, wincing slightly when his knee clicked in annoyance, and reached out to try an pull Callum up, both giving a small smile when they almost toppled over with Callum’s weight.

Ben turned Callum around as he took hold of his hands, linking their fingers and then wrapping his arms around his boyfriend’s torso pressing his nose into his back. He could feel the vibrations of Callum’s chuckle as he manoeuvred them forward along the hallway, pleased that even for a moment Ben could lighten his mood.

Stepping into the bathroom, Ben lifted Callum’s fingers to give a swift peck, as he shuffled the bath mat over to the shower. The grip of their other hands remained, Callum holding on fiercely. “You think I’m going somewhere?” Ben asked as he turned on the shower, giving a smile and a rub with his thumb to show he was only teasing.

“I hope not,” Callum replied returning the soft and light expression. “That ain’t in the plan.”

Ben grinned, testing the water with his hands. “And when have I ever been predictable, eh?” he said, getting closer to his boyfriend and helping him to lift his t-shirt over his head. He circled his arms around his waist, leaning his head forward to lay on Callum’s chest, and just stopped for a breath. “Gotta keep you on your toes somehow!”

When Ben leaned his head back, he saw Callum roll his eyes. “Oh yeah, we really need some extra excitement in our lives don’t we?” he leaned down to gently kiss Ben’s forehead. “Lucky I can keep up with you, ain’t it?”

Giving a laugh, he helped Callum finish undressing. Ben posed a silent question, asking if he wanted him to stay and after getting a nod of confirmation in return, started taking off his own clothes. When he was finished, he clambered into the shower after Callum, sitting down awkwardly on the tiled surface. He swore that if he ever had enough money to buy their own place, he’d get one with the biggest shower, so they could both fit without being in a tangle.

He knew Callum took comfort in a shower, and it was becoming almost a ritual; a way he knew would soothe his boyfriend. Often Ben would just sit by the bath, or even outside, pretending that he wasn’t watching and counting every breath that Callum took when he was in this place. Times like now though, he would get in beside him and just sit under the water, getting soggy. It was worth it though, to know that Callum just wanted him close and it was a request he could grant.

“How you feeling?” Ben asked, gripping on to his hand, after they had been settled in the shower for a few minutes.

Callum raised his head off the back wall, lifting his heavy eyelids. “I’m tired. I just want it over,” he said, his words matching the tone of his voice. Ben quickly furrowed his eyebrows at the sentence, gripping on to Callum’s fingers tightly, and his heart racing at the inference. His boyfriend seemed to quickly recognise what his words had sounded like and started shaking his head. “I didn’t mean it like that! Just this feeling. Just feeling like this.”

Settling slightly, Ben’s heart seemed to relax, but there was still a gnawing fear there. “Don’t bite my head off,” he started wearily. “But I really think you should talk to someone. I know we discussed it before, but it ain’t just gonna go away. Even I know sitting in a shower with me for an hour won’t fix everything.”

Thankfully, Callum seemed to be having the same thought, and nodded his head a little. “I will go. Soon,” he promised, though it was a little too vague for Ben to really believe it. “Everything is just so up in the air at the moment. It really ain’t the right time.”

“Don’t make excuses,” Ben said, a little firmer. He knew that Callum was worried about this meeting with his mum, but procrastinating wouldn’t help anything. “You’re not sleeping, and when you do, it just ends in a nightmare. And when you’re awake you just end up like this. It ain’t going anywhere. Life is always going to be shit for different reasons. One thing gets better and then two more things come along to worry about.”

“I’ve got you,” Callum said forcefully, pushing his head back again. “That is all that matters.”

Ben reached over and cupped his chin with his hand. “There’s only so much I can do,” he admitted, though it made him feel inadequate. He wished he would do more. “You need help.”

Callum’s eyes searched out Ben’s and clung on as if trying to convey all the meaning he couldn’t with his words. “You help me,” he said with a whisper, but the conviction was punctuating in every syllable. 

“The only way I can do that is by telling you that you need to talk to someone proper,” he replied, knowing there was only so much he could do. He couldn’t have an ego when it came to this. Callum was too important to believe that he could fix everything. “Someone that don’t give you a sarcy comment half the time.”

Callum shook his head even as Ben was still speaking. “What would my dad say about therapy, eh?” he asked, and Ben could see he was trying to throw every excuse he could think would make his argument. “What would your dad? We didn’t grow up like that! If I ever went home and told my dad I was feeling a bit down, his response would be to knock ten bells out of me and then hand me a beer. I don’t know how I’m supposed to sit in front of a stranger and talk about everything when I’ve got his voice ringing in my ears. Would you do it?”

“I have,” he admitted as Callum’s head quickly shot in his direction, surprise etched in his eyes. “Well it weren’t a choice, but you end up inside twice at the age I did, trust me there’s plenty of people wanting to sit you down and have a chat.”

“Did it help?” Callum asked, looking genuinely curious. It gave Ben a little hope that he could be convinced.

“It helped me deal with what I’d done a little, though I think I went through the whole process kicking and screaming. I ain’t exactly a mental health poster boy though am I?” he replied with a shrug.

Callum paused for a second, wiggling his fingers so they were tighter around Ben’s. The water still cascaded around them, like it was curtaining their conversation. A place where secrets could be shared. “Do you think much about it?” he asked in a whisper. “The things you did.”

They had talked about it a little, his past. He knew Callum wasn’t naïve to his actions that had changed and altered so many lives. “I try not to, not too much,” he confessed. Making it through each day would have been impossible if they were always at the front of his mind. “But yeah. They come creeping back sometimes.”

“How do you push them away? When you’ve done something that ain’t quite right? How do you get rid of that guilt?” he asked. They weren’t judgemental, his questions. They were genuinely curious. “Even for a little while?”

“Because I can’t change what I did, Callum,” he answered honestly. “I can wish it and foolishly hope and beg for some ridiculous miracle to happen or time to be turned back. That ain’t never gonna happen though, so I can either spend my time wallowing and digging myself into despair, making the same mistakes all over again. Or I can move on.”

Callum huffed a wry laugh. “You make it sound so easy.”

“It ain’t,” Ben replied, certainty and firmness in his voice. He rubbed his hand over his face, flicking off the excess water. “I was watching this interview the other day about this cellist.”

“Going all upper class on me, are we?” Callum said with a smile, reaching out and stroking Ben’s hair to the side.

“Shut up!” he scolded, sticking his tongue out and playfully swatting his hand away. “He was saying how he spends hours a day practising, and the bloke interviewing him didn’t understand why, cause this fella was known as one of the best in the world. This cellist replied that he had to practise to stay the best. It’s not something that once you reach that point, you stay just there. It’s like Beckham practising free kicks every day. “”

“Wow, a football reference!” Callum exclaimed almost proudly. “A bit of an out of date one, but points for effort.”

For once Ben didn’t respond to the tease, he just wanted to make his point clear. “If you let the demons get you and take over, just a little bit, then they get stronger. You need to fight them every day. And that ain’t easy. Especially not for guys like us, with how we grew up. Never stood a chance really.”

“Well that’s comforting,” Callum replied with a sigh. “I guess I just want to feel like everyone else does.”

“Everyone has their own cross to bear,” he assured his boyfriend, rubbing his leg in comfort. “Ours are just made of steel iron, that’s all.”

Callum put his hand back on Bens cheek, caressing it lightly. “I don’t like the thought of you carrying anything like that around,” he said, as Ben leaned into his touch. “I hate it. I just want to stop it.”

“It’s never going to go away completely for either of us. We’re both a bit messed up; that’s what you said to me once. How many other couples do you think are sitting in the shower at two am?”

Brushing his thumb over Ben’s lips, Callum stilled his gaze for a second, as if trying to convey all his meaning again through his eyes. “I’m sorry.”

“It ain’t just you! I’m in here as well!” he exclaimed, leaning out of the spray of the water a little.

Giving a shy smile, Callum leaned forward and gave a kiss to his knee. “I know. I love you for it and its why I’d carry your cross for you. I wouldn’t let you ever go through anything alone.”

“Really? Cause now we’re both very awake, fancy getting our Christmas cheer on,” he replied, pulling Callum to him as much as he could in the confined setting. Kissing his lips, he let their foreheads stay together. “Let’s go back to bed, eh?”

“I’m so glad you said that! This water is freezing!”

“Fucking Jack!” Ben said, gritting his teeth as he staggered up. “I swear he put in the cheapest boiler possible. Come on, I’ll make you a hot chocolate.”

The city grey sky seemed to loom hesitantly over the carpark with heavy clouds floating murkily overhead. A seventies Christmas song rang out from the radio, the cheery music filling the car, that seemed to feel out of place despite the festive season. 

They had been sitting in the prison carpark for over ten minutes now. When Ben had parked the car, he waited for Callum to make a move to get out, but he just sat there with his belt on, gripping the visiting order in his hands and folding and unfolding the same corner. They had been silent since then, just listening to the annoyingly cheerful wittering of the DJ, his voice grating on the ear.

“We don’t have to go in,” Ben said, breaking the silence. “Just because we’re here, it don’t mean we can’t go home again.”

“She knows I’m coming,” Callum answered petulantly, as if he were a child with no choice.

“So what?” Ben replied. “Callum, she ditched you before you could read. You don’t owe her anything.”

“Don’t give a great impression, does it?” he said, tearing the corner of the paper a little. “Being too scared to even visit her. “

“She’s going to be brought out from behind bars, Callum,” he remarked, hands gripping the steering wheel to remain calm. “She can hardly pass any sort of judgement to you. Are you worried what she’ll think about us? I can stay here if you want me to.”

“No!” he exclaimed, with an obvious annoyance at the suggestion. “I’m proud of us. I want you there with me. I know it’s unusual way to meet your boyfriend’s mother though.”

“Well your dad wasn’t exactly conventional either,” Ben remarked with a quick raise of his eyebrows. “How’d I end up with the only fella who makes my family look like the sodding Waltons?”

Callum took some deep breaths, his eyes determined and focused, before he turned towards Ben. “Okay, let’s go.”

Ben felt his hand shake a little as he closed the locker that held his possessions, his mind gripping on to the present and doing its best not to flip the pages straight back to the past. There wasn’t time to think about himself now. This day was about Callum. Turning to his boyfriend, he gave him a reassuring smile, that promised everything would be fine. He wished he wasn’t such a good liar.

It wasn’t just the place. It was the little things. Having his fingerprints taken, as though he was going to run out the building with an inmate under each arm. The watchful eyes of the guards who didn’t seem to discriminate their scorn between visitors or prisoners. Just being here felt like he’d done something wrong, that he was paying a price. The scariest part of the whole experience was how natural it felt.

It terrified Ben; how quickly he could become consumed by just a building and how his body reflexively felt it deserved to be here. It was a different prison, a different detention centre, but they all had the same feeling. Like the walls were whispering and calling in a way he could hear; laughing and recognising that he was meant to be there. Ben wasn’t religious, not even the slightest, but he imagined this is what it felt like to walk into hell. The horror and eternal persecution would be excruciating to see, but there would also be guilt settling in your stomach knowing that you were sent to the right place.

Before the guard even asked him what to do when they were searched, he knew the process. It was ingrained in him, to go into default mode; to know how to stand, where to put his hands and how to hold his stance whether it was a search, an arrest or a detainment.

They were shown in to visiting area, a part of the prison they tried to glorify with small homely touches, while the grim reality still bled through the façade. One of the legs on Callum’s chair must have been wobbly because Ben could hear the rocking on the plastic, cheap lino as his boyfriend’s foot jiggled under the table.

Gently brushing the back of his hand on Callum’s thigh, it seemed to settle him for a moment. All that energy went elsewhere, and as the prisoners were being led in, he started to quickly pick at the skin on his thumb, giving a glance to each passing face.

Callum stilled. Walking towards them was a lady in her late fifties, with dull red hair pulled back in a tight bun, her face pale with harsh set wrinkles. The blue mandatory tracksuit hung loosely off her frame, as her gaunt cheek bones tightened as she squinted towards their table.

“Callum?” she asked, her voice deep, harsh and throaty. Her eyes were almost happy though, underneath a protective glare, and with a small wisp of hopeful expectation.

Looking up, Callum nodded, just barely, in confirmation, and Ben could start to see the recognition in his eyes. She must have looked different in so many ways, but Callum was sure to have that face from his young childhood etched onto his brain. “Hi mum,” he said softly.

Sitting down, she looked expectantly across at her son, as if unsure what to say. It was tense and Ben started to hear the rocking of the chair again, as Callum’s nerves got the better of him.

“I’m Ben,” he said, trying to break the silence and holding out his hand. “Good to meet you.”

There was a hesitation on the woman’s face, as her eyes looked him up and down. They were the brightest blue and piercing, but not soft like Callum’s. They held a harshness and a bitterness within them. After a moment, she took Ben’s hand to shake, the coolness of her skin feeling shocking on his palm. “I’m Maggie, Callum’s mum.”

“Are you keeping well?” his boyfriend asked. “They looking after you alright?”

There was something almost maternal that fell over Maggie’s face, as if a memory was playing out. “I’ve got a bed, clean clothes and food to eat. Things could be worse,” she replied, forcing her lips into a smile. Ben didn’t doubt for a second that there were times in her life she had none of those things. She wore her story on her face, and it didn’t look like a good one. There was a light accent there, from somewhere in Scotland he couldn’t identify, but it was layered by clearly living in London for a long life. “How about you? Tell me what you’ve been up to?”

“I was in the army for a while,” Callum said. Though he didn’t speak about it much, and though it wasn’t a happy time for him, Ben recognised the move to impress. He knew that Callum hoped she’d be proud of that. “I worked behind the bar for a bit, but I’ve got a job in an undertakers now.”

“Wow, bet you see some things in a day,” she said with a smile. “It’s good you got a career. I’m proud of you.”

Callum beamed, and Ben noticed his cheeks pink a little. He didn’t take compliments well, but he knew this would mean something to his boyfriend. “Why you here, Mum?” he asked, his face earnest. Callum always struggled to keep a question in when it was playing on his lips.

“Being stupid, as usual,” she explained, almost lightly, as if she’d forgotten to put the milk back in the fridge. “I was running a bit low on money, but saw a lipstick and some fancy wrinkle cream in Boots I liked the look of. I’m not getting any younger you know! I’m not proud of myself, but I pocketed it in my handbag. Got all those fancy cameras now, haven’t they so I didn’t make it far.”

“I would have got it for you,” Callum replied quietly. “If we’d been seeing each other. I got my job, and Ben’s got his own business, haven’t you? We got a flat as well. Its only rented, but it’s ours.”

Maggie looked at him, regret sinking into her face. “You’ve definitely got higher up in the world than I ever have,” she replied to him. “I’ll tell you what, love? I’m gasping for a good cuppa. You couldn’t go grab us one could you? I think they have apples there as well. I remember how you used to demolish them when you was a nipper. Like a lil’ piglet, he was always snuffling them up!”

Callum nodded eagerly, before standing up. “Do you want anything?” he asked Ben, his face clearly a little uncertain about leaving them alone. Shaking his head, he gave Callum a reassuring smile as he started to walk out the room. Turning back to the table, he met Maggie’s laser gaze and could tell he was being sized up.

“You the boyfriend?” she asked in a tone that was harsher than it had been since she sat down.

Ben automatically felt like he was ready to go on the defence, folding his arms and keeping his head high. “Yep. That surprise you?”

Maggie scoffed at that comment. “I’ve been around darlin’, not a lot surprises me,” she declared. Ben could tell that she must have been fierce when she was younger; strong and resilient and no one’s fool. Her posture was weaker now though, her back a little hunched like she was carrying defeat on her shoulders. “What were you in here for?”

Ben cocked his head in surprise, opening his mouth to respond, but the words not coming out right away. Maggie’s face seemed to retreat slightly; it didn’t gain a softness but she seemed to be reading him and finding him less of a threat with each passing second. It was like she had a good understanding of people, of what made them tick and who they were underneath. He knew someone else like that as well.

“Manslaughter,” he admitted finally, and he couldn’t help looking down when he admitted it. “When I was younger. How’d you know?”

“I know the look, sweetheart,” she replied with a slight smile of understanding. “You got your hackles raised as soon as you walked in here and looking about like someone might holla you down at any second. You treat him right?”

Ben leaned forward at that question, leaning his arms on the table. “I don’t let anyone hurt him.”

“Good. He deserves that; I may not have seen him since he were a littlun, but he’s a diamond that’s for certain,” she said, before looking at Ben’s expression. “Go on then, spit it out.”

“Why did you leave him?” Ben asked, though he knew it wasn’t his place. It shouldn’t be him demanding answers, but he had to find out. “You know what sort of man Jonno is? Why’d you leave him there when he wasn’t even out of short trousers?”

There it was, that flash of regret again. Just momentary though, before that strong-willed resolute expression came back. “I had to get out and get away,” she answered, and Ben started to shake his head. It wasn’t a good enough answer, not with the consequences. Maggie looked at him like he was naïve, a cynical smile of experience appearing. “It weren’t a simple choice, boy! I weren’t out after five minutes, trust me. It was a long time coming. I’d put up with it my whole life. I went from my dad’s back hand straight to my husband’s back hand with no respite in between.”

Ben didn’t blame her for leaving that and those men. He understood wanting to get away from that life. There was still an unanswered question though. “But why leave Callum there? Why not take him with you?”

Maggie closed her eyes, as if reliving a decision that has crossed her mind more times than she could count. “You think that would have been any better? Jonno wouldn’t have stopped coming after us. Not cause he cared for the lad, but just to spite me. I weren’t exactly a travelling missionary either, darlin’. The things I got up to wouldn’t have been any better to expose him to. Better the devil you know, in this case.”

Tapping his hands on the table, he looked over Maggie, her arms hidden in her sleeves, the darkness around her eyes and the twitching of her fingers. “You really in here for shoplifting some lippy?”

There was almost a hesitation before she started to speak, as if she wanted to keep up the lie and believe the pretence herself, even just for five minutes. “Look at me love,” she conceded gently. “You’re a bright wee lad. What do you think I’m in here for?”

Ben didn’t need to answer that question, nor would she have wanted a response. Under the oversized jumper there would sure to have been a littering of scars and track marks. Her face and body would have told the story of hundred or more men that didn’t have the soul to treat her more than a temporary possession that could be bought, used and disposed of when it was convenient. The eyes told that story more than any other though.

“When you take a battering all your life, every day, on every level, on every part of your body, you need something to numb the pain, aye? From when I was a nipper, me Da and me Uncle, to when I was married, to my husband’s pals, to when I needed to put food on the table when Stuart was tiny. I’ve been tossed about from pillar to post my whole life by these men who think the owned me. None of them got a good bone in their body. None of them had no soul.”

“He does!” Ben replied firmly, pointing behind him. He was sympathetic to Maggie and all she’d been through, but he didn’t understand why she wouldn’t want to grasp on to the one beam of light in her life. “Callum does! Even growing up in that house. He’s broken, but he’s good and he’s strong, and he’ll never take the easy route. I wonder where he got that from. He looks a little like you, I can see that. Who else does he look like?”

Maggie looked at him then, a glint in her eye. A twinkle that sparkled out at his comment. “You know, I think I like you! You are a smart one!”

“Is that another reason why you left?” he speculated, thinking that maybe something was fitting together. “Just in case when he grew up there weren’t much of a resemblance to Jonno. You left him to take the brunt of it.”

“I never knew for sure, sweetheart,” she conceded. “Still don’t really, but looking at him. I dare say you’re right. You met Jonno then? I bet he loved you!”

Ben gave a chuckle at the obvious shared feeling of disdain. “The respect given was mutual.”

Maggie glanced down, picking at the chipped nail of her thumb, before nodding to the door behind Ben. “You gonna tell him?” she asked, perhaps even with a hint of hope that the task would be taken off her hands.

He shook his head. “That’s not my place,” he answered. Some secrets were better left unspoken.

Ben felt sharp fingers grasp on to his hand and she clutched at him him determinedly. “Promise me you’ll protect him,” she said, all that harshness back in his voice. Only this time Ben realised it wasn’t a dark severity. It was desperation.

“He’s stronger than you think,” he assured Maggie, her fingers trembling with the tension in her grip, like she needed to cling on to someone who would understand. “Than even I think. We all underestimate him, but he’s strong and he’s smart.”

“I don’t doubt that. But we all need someone who cares. He was the sweetest lad, right from when he was a baby. With Jonno, and Stuart and all the other men who traipsed in and out of my life, it didn’t give my heart much hope when I fell for him. I weren’t a slip of a girl at that point either. But Callum was different right from when he was born, I could feel that. My little Dove I used to call him. I used to see all the other mums on the bus drag their screaming toddlers here and there. Not that one though. I’d say ‘Come on my little Dove’, and off he’d flutter, just scurrying along after me. He’s the only wee bit of hope I’ve ever seen in this awful world. I just want to know he’s cared for. Ben, promise me?”

Before he could answer, Callum came back, carrying a carrying a cup of tea and putting it in front of his mum. There was a little redness around his eyes. Ben knew it wouldn’t have taken him that long to get one drink. “I didn’t know how you liked it,” he said, and the sadness on his face, at that lack of knowledge, was palpable.” So I give it a bit of milk and two sugars.”

“Perfect, darlin’,” she replied, picking up her cup and blowing on it. The steam fluttering to the side. “Just how I like it.”

Ben had to admire how convincing she was, even with a white lie. That was someone who had been lying every day of their life to build that amount of believability.

“They didn’t have any apples,” he said hesitantly, as if he didn’t want to disappoint his mum. “Had an apple muffin though so I got that. Do you want some?”

“Nah, thanks sweetheart,” she replied. “No got much of a sweet tooth. You enjoy it darlin’.”

“I’ll have some,” Ben said, wanting to take that little bit of disappointment away that Callum would be feeling. He nudged him with his arm. “You know I never say no.”

Callum started to blush a little, giving Ben a slight shove with his foot under the table, before breaking off a bit of the cake and passing over the rest to his boyfriend.

“How’s your brother?” Maggie asked, still blowing on her tea. “He still about?”

Callum nodded. “Yeah, he’s doing good,” he answered. Ben wasn’t sure that’s how he’d describe Stuart, but he wasn’t about to interrupt the moment. “He’s living near to us now. Do you want me to pass on a message? Shall I ask him to visit?”

No, love,” Maggie said, shaking her head. “That boy can find something if he wants it, believe me.”

The guards were now calling for people to leave. “Shall I come back mum?” Callum asked standing up. Maggie gingerly raised herself off the chair. “I can visit after Christmas if you like?”

“I’d like that, darlin’” she said, letting him pull her in for a gentle hug. “Best check though. They might let me out before you can come back.”

“Well, if they do, then you can come see our flat, can’t she Ben?” he said turning and looking expectantly. Ben gave a smile and a nod, not willing to break his heart here and now.

“That’ll be nice,” she smiled back at him. “Ta for the tea.”

“It was nothing.” Callum said, shaking his head. Ben recognised that look. Guilt. He thought he should be doing more.

Ben leaned in to give her a hug, and she pulled him closer to whisper in his ear. “Don’t let him get his hopes up too much, yeah?” she muttered. He knew that they may never see her again. And that could be for the best. “And, Ben. Remember your promise.”

“I’ll be honest, it don’t look like a Lamborghini,” Ben said, sighing dramatically, before breaking out into a grin.

Callum kicked him, but just barely brushed him with his toes. “Is that likely with the twenty pound budget?” he answered, playing with the edge of the cushion he held.

Ben shook the flat package a little, more to frustrate his boyfriend than anything. “Oh and if there weren’t a price cap, you’d splash out on one would you? Planning on selling a kidney are we?”

“Would you just open it?” Callum said, digging his toes into Ben’s thigh, as he glanced at his phone.

Ben smiled at Callum and began to carefully tear the blue sparkly paper. It was Christmas Eve, and keeping with tradition, this was the day that they opened their presents from each other. It wasn’t a long tradition, they’d only started last year after all, but it felt like one that was going to stick. At least Ben hoped it would. There was something special about it just being the two of them, their own little celebration.

Callum had been in a slightly brighter mood since they had gone to see his mother at the prison. Ben hoped that was one event that could relieve the stress, though he was far from unpressured. This time of year was bitter sweet for his boyfriend, he knew that. Last year, his whole world had imploded, and Ben knew that childhood Christmases were never joyous occasions that they may have been for other children.

Ben wanted to be the one to change that. Perhaps it was egotistical in a way, to think he could change years of bad experiences, but he wanted to bring in the good memories so when Callum saw a Christmas tree he didn’t think of whiskey soaked punches and withheld tears.

Last Christmas Eve, he and Callum had spent the afternoon together, opening their presents and then just spending the next few hours in bed. There had been promises from Callum’s lips about telling Whitney about them, and Ben remembered being so convinced, though every nerve in his body had resisted. Callum had the effect; Ben seemed to be hypnotised and just believe everything he said, whether his gut was telling him different or not.

When he had seen Whitney come back, running up to Callum and grabbing him and kissing him, he had wanted to scream out the window. For a brief second, he almost threw it open and shouted, crying out that Callum wasn’t hers. That he belonged to Ben and he was his to hold. Though as he watched them walking away hand in hand, he realised that Callum didn’t belong to anyone.

All he could do was stagger back to the bed, and crawl up into it. Ben had dug his head into the pillow, closed his eyes and pretended that Callum was still in there with him. It wasn’t the same though, the whisper of a memory on the sheets wasn’t any replacement. His mind couldn’t help but imagine what Callum was doing now; probably laying in bed, cuddled up with Whitney and he was all here. Alone.

Ben had text him and perhaps it was the bitterness hoping Whitney would see. Perhaps she would look through his past texts; all those words they had exchanged that would be more than clear exactly what had been going on. He didn’t want to force Callum’s hand, or put him in that situation, but he was selfish. He just wanted him.

Later that night, the rest of his family had returned. Bobby had snuck upstairs with barely a creak of the stairs. Lola had so many shopping bags clutched in her arms that he could barely see her hands. Lexi had come bounding in with tales of songs and snowmen, and Ian trundled after her swearing that he would never again set foot on the tube.

When they had all gone to bed, and there were mince pies, a beer and a carrot for Rudolph all set out, it was just Ben and his mum left. They were sitting on the sofa with the soft twinkle of the tree as some repeated Christmas special from thirty years before was playing on the television.

“Do you think love lasts forever?” Ben had asked, his brain twirling through the day with an uncertainty.

Kathy had stopped gulping down her wine mid sip. “That’s very profound for eleven at night,” she had said, looking at him curiously. “You met someone?”

“Yeah,” he confessed, and was surprised he admitted it so freely. “He ain’t available though. He’s got a girlfriend.”

“Oh Ben,” his mum had said rolling her head back. He knew he disappointed her. He disappointed himself more. “Is there any hope he’ll leave her? More than likely she knows. She would have known something is wrong.”

Ben shook his head firmly. “No,” he had replied, fiddling with the corner of the cushion. “Not with him. He’s far too good at keeping a secret.”

This Christmas, he wanted it to be different. Yet here they were again with something else hanging over the relationship. As much as he wanted more than anything to ignore Buzz Cut’s deal, he’d finally decided to go ahead with it. Leaving it too late though, he had finally managed to get his contact to agree to come pick up the gear on Boxing Day. Messaging Buzz Cut, the response had not been happy. He reiterated that he wanted the money before Christmas, but Ben hadn’t heard anything further, so that little bit of pressure was off. Unfortunately, it had transferred into a different worry.

Ben couldn’t deny that the thought of prison terrified him. He didn’t know his contact well, just a mate of a mate who was an acquaintance; it wasn’t exactly someone he was confident to rely his freedom upon. If his contact was caught and squealed, then it would be game over. There would be no out or escape. There was no question he would go down for this, and the prospect of going back there, to that place, that building and that mindset clawed at his body. It lingered over him like a noose, even more so after the visit to the other prison the other day. However he felt about it, Ben had to put that to one side. The deal had to go ahead. He couldn’t let Callum get hurt. He wouldn’t do that no matter what the cost.

“You don’t have to unwrap every corner so carefully,” Callum laughed as Ben eased the sellotape off. He enjoyed doing this, taking his time and prolonging the anticipation and the suspense.

“You know I like my foreplay!” he said back, grinning.

Finally, the paper was off and Ben’s eyes scanned the present in front of him, as he getting rubbed his thumb over the cover, tracing the familiar lettering of the West Side Story soundtrack.

“I know it ain’t the same as having the original one that your mum got you,” Callum explained shyly. “But I don’t suppose you’ll mind when you shove it on the player. You can put it on now if you want.”

Ben hugged the record to him, as if it would disappear suddenly or be ripped away. The gesture of the present was meaningful, and he almost felt just like a little kid again. There was an understanding there, that he knew Callum empathised with. He could stream the songs nowadays with just a press of the button. But to have something tangible, that he could call his and couldn’t be taken away. That meant something. Very few people he met had understood that. Callum did. Ben knew he did. Some people when they heard his CD had broken when he was a kid wouldn’t appreciate the symbolism of that. Callum got it. He got him

“Thank you,” he said quietly, not quite wanting to let go. “I’ll put it on later yet. This evening.”

“I got you another present as well!” Callum exclaimed, smiling proudly at his first success.

“Oh yeah. Come on, hand it over then. I’m feeling spoiled.”

Callum paused for a second and screwed up his nose. “It ain’t here. We’re gonna have to go out for it,” he explained.

“It is a Lamborghini!”

Giving him another poke with the heel of the foot, Callum’s whole face broke into a smile. “Unless you or I win the lottery, it ain’t gonna happen. Where’d you go in a car like that anyway? You gonna zoom it round Martin’s stall?”

“Take my boyfriend out for long drives, stop in the country, find an empty field,” Ben replied, wagging his eyebrows.

“Well you’ll just have to take me in a battered old Ford Fiesta, won’t you? Do you want to go get your other present now?”

“No, you open your one first,” Ben replied, handing the carefully wrapped parcel over. He didn’t want to wait any longer.

Callum started clawing at the paper, grinning like a Cheshire cat as the scraps and strips fluttered up in the air. “You are a monster, you know that?” Ben understood though. He remembered a childhood of Christmases and presents. He wasn’t entirely sure how many Callum had. There certainly wouldn’t have been many presents under the tree on the ones he experienced.

When Callum eventually discarded the paper, he grinned with delight as he pulled out a Swiss Army knife. Ben breathed a sigh of relief at the reaction, He really wasn’t sure about this. He knew Callum had mentioned it at lunch a month ago, but it just didn’t seem right somehow.

Talking it over with Jay, his brother seemed to think it was a great idea; it was something that Callum had said he’d always wanted, it fit the budget and it seemed logical. There was another part of Ben that felt it didn’t have the personal touch he wanted to go for. Callum had only mentioned wanting it a little while ago, so it wasn’t something that would be that unexpected. In fact, Jay said if Ben didn’t get Callum one then he was going to get one for his employee and friend.

Seeing the happiness on Callum’s face now made up for all his worry. “You got it for me,” he said, gripping it tight, then leaning over to give Ben an enthusiastic kiss that almost made him lose his balance. “I can’t believe you did it.”

“It’s got your initials engraved on it,” he said pointing to the side of the red tool, as Callum opened up all the compartments. “Do you like it?”

“It’s just what I wanted,” he said grinning back at him. “I’m gonna put it on my keys.”

“You’re not going to be able to leave the house anymore, you’ll be so weighed down with all the things I give you shoved on there,” Ben chuckled. “Or I won’t, as I pick them up more than you do these days! I’ve also got you another present.”

Callum glanced down at the knife and then back at Ben. “And you kept in the budget?” he asked, crinkling up his nose in suspicion.

“Yes I did, before you get on your high horse,” Ben remarked, going to the cupboard. “I assume you’ve done the same with your mysterious second gift?”

“Course! I’m not the rule breaker here,” Callum said with his hand ups, as Ben passed him a gift bag.

“Hmm, well I know you too well; you’re certainly capable,” Ben remarked, before pointing to the bag. “It’s just in there, I ain’t wrapped this one before you start digging in with your teeth!”

Ben started twiddling his fingers, as Callum reached in the bag and brought out the box inside. As much as he was nervous for reaction to the Swiss Army knife, this gift was the one he knew could end in an argument.

Furrowing his brow at first, Callum squinted towards the box, before his face turned into a smile as he examined it. Covering every inch of the surface were pictures; some of him and Callum together, lots of Lexi and Jay and Lola, a few of the Carters. He’d even thrown of couple of Stuart onto there for good measure. The box was surrounded with everyone Callum loved, and everyone who loved him.

“There’s stuff inside if you want to open it,” Ben said quietly, clearing his throat. “It ain’t just a box.”

Callum carefully opened the lid and peered inside, his eyes darting around the different items it contained before looking up at his boyfriend questioningly. “What is it?”

Ben got up from where he was kneeling on the floor and clambered to sit closer to Callum, reaching inside and pointing to the first object. “Crisps, salt and vinegar obviously, to snack on and make sure you have something to eat. I couldn’t put ice cream in here without it turning into a messy slush, so I got them little sweets that taste like it. There’s a little bar of chocolate in there; that was Lexi’s choice. She said you can use it to keep the dementors away.”

Callum was nodding along with him, but Ben still wasn’t sure he quite understood. He held up one of the little bottles in there. “So in this one is a bit of my shampoo,“ he continued, showing him the container before picking up another one. “This one is some kind of fancy essence. I got you one of apple and one of pear. And the last one apparently whiffs of rain. Lola found them all for me.”

“I pulled out my old mp3 player,” Ben said, reaching towards the small blue device that had some headphones attached. “I put a few songs that I know you like, and some that we listen to when we’re together,” he continued, before picking up the next item. “And this guy Lexi picked out as well. He’s got really soft fur and she’s named him Patches. Don’t be surprised if he goes conveniently missing when she comes over!”

Ben watched as Callum lifted the small cuddly rabbit out of the box, rubbing one of the ears between his fingers, as though a memory was soaring through him. “There’s a little pot of Play-Doh in there, that was Jay’s choice, clearly! It was a pack of three, but he’s kept the others for himself!” he said with a chuckle. “He also put in a few bits of Lego that click together, and some book about football.”

Licking his lips, he found he was slightly nervous about the fact that Callum hadn’t said a word yet. “And finally, there’s this picture,” Ben said, pointing to it the paper that had both their image on it. There were many he loved, but he knew Callum liked this one especially. They both looked young and free. “I know there’s loads of photos on the box, but I think this is a really good one.”

“It was from that day we moved in here,” Callum said, smiling. “When we both got our home. Why’d you do all this?”

Ben swallowed slightly, knowing he would have to tread a little carefully. “It’s a Happy Box,” he told his boyfriend, taking hold of his hand. “So when you’re feeling not good, it’s got all things that could help. So if it happens, say you have a dream or when you’re panicking a bit, and I’m not around, you’ve got something there. Or even if I am around, you might prefer this!”

There was a hidden message in there. Ben didn’t know what was going to happen in the next few days. If his contact couldn’t be trusted after the deal, or he was picked up by the police in the new year, when they traced it back to him. It was possible that Ben could go down and leave Callum alone. Failing that, if Callum found out about all the things he had been up to, then he could just kick him out. He wouldn’t blame him.

For now though, he was still concerned at the reaction his boyfriend would have with the present. Callum was still staring at the box, clutching on to Ben’s fingers. “This is why I’d do anything for you,” he muttered after a moment, as a tear crept slowly and quietly down his cheek. “Anything. No one knows me like you know me.”

Ben thought his heart might stop beating so fast once he knew Callum’s reaction was positive, but he found it speed up even further at his words. “Yeah well, knows me like you either,” he added shyly, chewing at his lip.

“Well obviously! Can read your little face like a book, can’t I?” Callum said with watery eyes and a smile, lifting his hand to gently brush Ben’s face with his finger. “I’ve always felt that no one had a clue about me, not even the tiniest bit. Until you.”

“Full of surprises, you are,” Ben smirked back, “But I do get it, Callum. I might not understand everything you’ve been through, but I do get it.”

Callum sat up a little, putting the lid back on the box and carefully setting it down. He placed both his hands on Ben’s face and looked into his eyes. “You make me happy,” he said with conviction, emphasising every syllable. “I don’t need anything else.”

“Couldn’t fit myself in the box, could I?” he replied, looking down a little and feeling his cheeks getting warm.

“I mean it Ben,” Callum said, raising his chin so he didn’t have an option but to look into his boyfriend’s eyes. “Just you and me. Nothing else matters.”

“Except for my second present,” he said with a smile, leaning forward and kissing Callum, not lingering too long otherwise he felt he would never let go. “Come on! You know I ain’t a patient man!”

Standing up and pulling Ben with him, Callum still didn’t let go of his hand, linking their fingers like he was afraid they’d lose each other if he let go. He quickly checked his phone, before nodding towards Ben’s coat. “You might want to wrap up,” he said with a grin.

Walking hand in hand, they entered the park. Ben remembers past Christmases, where the weather was mild and grim, with spits of rain falling temperamentally from the sky. This Christmas Eve seemed different though. The air was crisp, the cold cutting through sharply and biting at your skin. The sun was beaming down, but the warmth was blocked by the frozen earth.

Ben shrugged his body into his coat even more, his breath escaping visibly. He snuggled his hand further into Callum’s, the only warmth there seemed to be in the day. There weren’t that many faces out, not here anyway, with most people doing some last minute shopping or running around visiting family and friends.

The park was almost empty though, as Callum pulled him the final few steps, nodding towards what was in front of him. Ben could see a table cloth laid out on a picnic bench, with a few items placed on top. Pushing him towards the seat, Callum was still grinning as he gestured for Ben to sit down, and he took a seat across the other side.

“This is my present?” Ben asked with a frown, looking at the items on the table. There were two cups of hot chocolate, the steam exhaling invitingly and starting to warm his nose. Next to the mugs, were two small tubs of ice cream, with little plastic spoons resting on top. Finally, there was a bag of chips sitting in the middle of the table, the grease bleeding through the paper. “How did you get these here?”

“No, it ain’t your present!” Callum said tutting. “I just thought we might as well have something nice to eat while we’re here. Jay put it out.”

“So that’s who you’ve been messaging this morning!” Ben said, as it became clear. It was unusual to see his boyfriend text as much as he had done that day. “That was good of him. Jay can’t usually be convinced to do anything romantic in his own relationship, let alone anyone else’s.”

Callum grimaced a little then. “Well I did have to do something in return,” he commented, and Ben wasn’t sure he was going to like this. “I promised I’d pop to the funeral parlour tomorrow morning so Mrs Roberts can view her mum,” he replied guilty. “It’ll only be twenty minutes or so, and she really wanted to see her on Christmas.”

Ben felt himself sulking a little. He already had to give up Callum last Christmas, and now he was going to lose him for part of this one too. “Just for twenty minutes?” he asked, picking up his hot chocolate and taking a sip, the cup warming his hands. “If it’s any longer then I’m going to come in there and drag you, Mrs Roberts and her dead mother out of there and lock up. Clear?”

“I won’t be there long, promise,” he said, gulping down his own hot chocolate, before reaching over, undoing the paper and grabbing a chip. “We’ll be at The Vic by then anyway, so it won’t be like you’ll be by yourself. You won’t even notice I’m gone.”

“Yeah, great, I can sit and make chit chat with Shirley for half an hour,” Ben replied with a huff. They had decided to go to his mum’s in the morning, open presents with Lexi and have some breakfast, before spending the rest of the day at The Vic. He considered going to his Dad’s, but it wouldn’t exactly provide the happy festive day he wanted to give Callum. They were going to go there on Boxing Day instead. It wasn’t as though Phil would be alone; Louise and the baby would be there, as well as Billy, Honey and the kids. “Remind me to kick Jay in the shin at some point tomorrow. Wait, so what is my present then?”

Callum sat up, his whole body shining with a little bit of excitement. “Look underneath the table,” he said lowering his eyes down.

Ben frowned a little. They’d been sitting at the picnic table for a few minutes now, and he had definitely been swinging his feet. There was nothing under there. Picking up a corner of the tablecloth, he peaked underneath, not noticing anything apart from the lower part of Callum’s body.

“There ain’t nothing there,” he exclaimed sitting back up and shrugging his shoulders. “Unless my present is to suck you off under the table. Not gonna lie, wouldn’t be the worst gift but I think we’d both freeze certain bits off in this weather.”

Callum sighed at him, before reaching for another chip. “You didn’t look properly!” he answered frustratedly between chews. “Have another look!”

Ben rolled his eyes before flipping over the end of the table cloth and leaning down, letting some of the sunlight shine down under the table. Letting his eyes dart about for a few seconds, they suddenly stopped, homing in on what he knew he was supposed to see.

Lifting his body back up, he started to smile, as Callum was nervously breaking up a chip in his hand. “You’ve put our names here,” he said, gesturing his head down towards the ground. When he looked under the table, written into the cement, were their initials with the year 2019 scratched in, complete with halo and devil’s tail. “How did you do it?”

Callum gave a little shrug, as if repaving some of the park was something you did every day. “I had a bit of help from Stuart actually,” Callum replied timidly. “Had to dig out some of the ground that was there in order to refill it.”

“From Stuart?” Ben replied with incredulity. “What did you tell him? That you were digging a hole so he could chuck my body in? I can’t believe he helped willingly!”

“He loves me and knows I love you,” Callum explained. “He called in a few favours so we could refill the ground and I could carve our names in it. They had to do it really carefully at night; the drill made a right racket, Stu said even the dealers selling their gear were put off and scarpered out. Do you like it?”

“I can’t believe you broke the law for my present!” Ben remarked. “I love it! I hate to break it to you now though, but you got the wrong year. It’s 2020, babe.”

Callum cocked his head at him, suggesting that was something he had thought of already. “I know what year it is!” he said, hurling a chip at Ben. “2019 is the year we met though, weren’t it though? It was the year we, you know, at this table.”

“Ah, so we’re like a good bottle of wine with the corking date chucked on,” Ben remarked, with a smirk and a hand gesture.

“More like one of those blue plaques they put up,” Callum said, giving Ben an affectionate shove with his foot at the memory.

“You weren’t tempted to just carve our names into the table. You could do it now with the Swiss Army knife, if you like.”

“I ain’t gonna blunt it when I’ve just got it!” Callum replied defensively, horrified at the suggestion “You need to keep the blade sharp.”

“What for? You planning on carving the turkey with it tomorrow?” he teased.

Callum shook his head. “No, just want to keep it in good working order,” he explained. “I didn’t carve on the table because around here it’ll probably be set alight within five minutes. It’s a bit wonky and all.” Shaking the table and rocking it to and fro to prove his point, Callum sat back and looked at Ben. “This place means something. I know it’s a run down park with graffiti, fly tipping and crackheads, but I didn’t notice any of that then. And I don’t notice anything else now. Just you.”

Ben leaned forward and took his hand. “You and me against the world, solider boy, that it?” he whispered, before breaking into a grin and giving Callum a wink. “I tell you what though. This table didn’t rock until we had at it!”

As he dodged another chip, Ben couldn’t help but try and trace their names with the heel of his boot. They were here together and nothing could rip them apart.

“Jay! The dessert spoons don’t go there do they? The other side of the napkins!”

Ben gave a chuckle as he took a sip of his beer, leaning on the bar and watching the action around him. Linda was currently following Jay around, after he made the mistake of offering to help set the large table they had assembled in the pub for Christmas dinner. She apparently wasn’t pleased with some of the choices he was making.

“Think back to your etiquette classes, bruv,” he called out from his stool. “Try and remember where you used to stick the salad fork!”

“I’ll tell you exactly where I want to stick it in a minute,” Jay hissed back, before lowering his voice when he noticed Lexi and Ollie nearby. “You could give me a hand, rather than just sitting there and heckling!”

Ben waved away his protesting. “Mate, I’m having to do without my boyfriend at Christmas because of you, so you ain’t getting any sympathy from me.”

Jay threw down a fork, making Linda squeal at the indelicate intrusion on her table. “He offered! He’s got a good relationship with the client and he’s a decent bloke and thought I might want to have a drink on Christmas morning,” he replied. “You’re spending the rest of the day with him, I’m sure you’ll survive.”

Ben conceded a little bit and sat back against the bar, just as Callum came back in from helping Mick in the kitchen. They had spent the morning at his mum’s, who had fussed suitably over his boyfriend, while downing a few glasses of Buck’s Fizz. Ben wasn’t sure how many times that morning he’d heard his mum tell him how he needed to never let Callum go, but it was more than the number of drinks she had consumed.

“Alright? Having a good time?” Callum asked as he came up to Ben and linked his arms around his neck. “Sitting back and watching everyone doing the work looks like your idea of a good day.”

“Yeah, very funny,” Ben scowled back, before sliding his arms around his boyfriend’s back and pulling him closer. “Any more lip and I won’t kiss you under the mistletoe.”

Callum raised his eyes above him to find a rumpled strand of fake mistletoe blue tacked just above Ben. “Did you stick that up there?” he laughed, leaning down and giving him a few small kisses, which just made Ben feel lighter already. “Your desperation is almost hot.”

With that Callum shifted even closer, tousling his fingers through Ben’s hair as he moved in for a deeper kiss, his desire clear in the determined grip he had of his boyfriend. Leaning back a little, Ben squinted at him slightly. “You had a drink?” he asked, tasting the rich hoppy flavour on his lips that matched his own. “Thought you were staying sober for the woman going to view her mum?”

Callum shrugged a little, then rested his cheek on top of Ben’s hair, hugging him close. “I only had one, besides it’s not exactly the merriest thing to do on Christmas day is it?” he replied quietly, popping a kiss to Ben’s head.

“Why don’t I come with you?” Ben asked. It wasn’t exactly how he wanted to spend the festive day either, but he was worried about Callum. Being in the company of grief wouldn’t exactly help him with his own demons. It would just give them something to feed on. “Keep you company while she’s in and wailing on the coffin.”

He couldn’t see him, but Ben could feel his boyfriend shake his head. “No, I’ve got to do this by myself,” Callum mumbled, and Ben could barely make out the words. “It won’t be long, then it will be over, and we can enjoy the day.”

Callum sighed and pushed himself up, leaning down to give Ben a final kiss. “I’ll miss you,” he said, stroking his cheek.

Ben leaned into the touch. “Miss you more,” he replied quietly, putting his hand over Callum’s to hold there for just a second longer.

When Callum finally took his hand away and left the pub, all Ben felt like doing was running after him. He was surrounded by family and friends who he loved and adored, but Callum was the only one he wanted to be with at the moment. The only one.

Getting up to follow him out, Ben made it to the door before a voice called behind him. “Right, mush, come on then,” Mick’s tone rang out. “I’m playing you in as super sub, now Halfway’s done a runner in the middle of peeling spuds.”

Ben looked towards the door, and then back at the expectant landlord. With a sigh, he dropped the handle from his hand, and swaggered back slowly to the bar.

“Can I ask you something?”

Ben had been chopping carrots for what seemed like hours now, though in reality it was only a few minutes. Though listening to Mick’s stories about Shirley kicking off that morning when Linda bought her some anti-aging cream, certainly made the time pass slowly. He kept glancing at his watch, hoping that twenty minutes would pass.

Mick started fidgeting nervously as he was draining the potatoes, clearly anticipating what Ben might ask him. “Listen, Ben. I think if you want to know anymore about his Grandad, then you should really have a bit of a natter to your boy, alright son?” he replied, shaking the colander harshly.

“No, it ain’t that,” he said, putting the knife down. “I just wanted to ask what he was like when he came and lived here. When he was on leave from the army.”

Mick threw the potatoes in the oil and seemed to think over Ben’s question. “Well, he was like Halfway,” he replied, coating the fat around the fluffy edges. “Bit all over the place, bit hectic but a pure class diamond.”

Ben nodded, knowing he had to phrase the question more specifically. “Did it stay with him though? The army, and everything that happened,” he asked hesitantly, not wanting to betray Callum’s confidence and go behind his back.

Closing the oven door, the landlord leaned back and folded his arms. He started nodding, as if finally realising what Ben was asking. “I’ve known that kid since he was knee high to a splinter, and one thing I can tell you is that he ain’t half good at hiding,” Mick admitted. “That boy’s been told he ain’t got no bottle so many times through his life, that he believes it. He’s been to war, he had to survive that house when he were young and everything else he was struggling with, and he still won’t harp up when something’s wrong cause he thinks it’s his fault.”

“He is brave,” Ben muttered quietly, though he knew he was preaching to the choir somewhat.

“Well we know that, don’t we sunshine, but he don’t,” Mick said, with a shake of his head. “He won’t think twice about throwing himself in danger to help someone else cause he’s got the idea in his nut that’s what everyone does. Is he suffering a bit?”

Ben didn’t want to say too much. It was for Callum to tell his friend if he wanted to, but he nodded in confirmation. “I just want to help him, and I don’t know what else to do,” he replied, and he heard a slight choke come out in his voice. He cleared his throat to disguise it, but he was sure it sounded through. Thinking about Mick’s words, it all added to what he knew about Callum.

The night before they were sat up all cuddled on the sofa, just ending a call to Lexi. She had told them that she’d put her mince pie out for Santa and was all ready for bed. When they came off the phone, they sat together quietly, just watching a Christmas movie by the light of the tree.

“Did you believe in Father Christmas when you were little?” he had asked his boyfriend during a quieter part of the film.

Callum had nodded enthusiastically. “Course, part of the magic of Christmas when you’re little, ain’t it?” he had replied. “I never used to get nothing from him though. I just thought it was cause I was naughty, as everyone at school always came back from the holidays shouting about all their toys they got.”

Ben had almost been stunned how his boyfriend told the story like it was ordinary and expected, and not the sad and appalling childhood memory it actually was. The fact that he had assumed that he was to blame, the fact he had received nothing yet still went into the next year with hope, summed him up.

“Mick!” a voice shouted out through the kitchen door. Before the landlord could answer, Shirley staggered in, a hint of tinsel around her neck. The festive feeling didn’t seem to travel to her face. “Are you and Mary Berry here gonna gossip all day or can we eat soon? If I have to watch Linda teach Jay how to fold a napkin into a swan for much longer I’m going to garrote both of them with the fairy lights.”

Callum had returned just before dinner looking exhausted telling him that the client wouldn’t stop crying, so he had made her a cup of tea and had a chat. Ben could see the fatigue in his boyfriend’s eyes that didn’t appear in his words. Instead he just hugged onto his side while the Carters brought out all the food.

“That was amazing, Linda,” Jay said, sitting back and patting his stomach after they had finished. “Carrots were cut a bit on the shoddy side, but you can’t have everything, can you?”

“My blood, sweat and tears went into those,” Ben replied, placing his knife and fork down. “Just the ones you ate though. I put honey on everyone else’s. Play with your tweezers or something.”

Jay waggled the Christmas Cracker gift haughtily across the table. “I think they’ll come in handy. It ain’t exactly a Swiss Army knife, but I can do emergency splinters!” he replied. “Here, Callum, let’s have a look at the one he got you for Christmas then.”

Callum reached into his pockets before tutting and elbowing Ben. “Keys,” he said, not having to explain any further.

Ben rolled his eyes and reached into his pocket, pulling out his boyfriend’s keyring. “Sorry, I will pick up the right set one of these days!” he said, throwing them to Jay so he could examine the knife. He looked towards Lola who was tipping her glass almost upside down, trying to get the last drop of prosecco out. “It’s Christmas, Lo. Treat yourself to a nineth glass for Christ’s sake.”

Lola narrowed her eyes and glared at him. “It’s nice to know that your humour fails all year round and don’t make an exception for holidays,” she snarked back. “I only started drinking cause Callum opened the bottle earlier. It’s rude not to finish it!”

“We’ll clear up in a bit and then get the karaoke out ready for when we open up!” Linda exclaimed excitedly. “I’m really looking forward to it this year. Last year was a total shambles! No offence, Halfway.”

Feeling his phone vibrate in his pocket, Ben pulled it out, wondering if it was from his dad. He hadn’t heard from him all day. More than likely it would be his mum, who would be well on her merry way by now.

He froze a little when the message came up on the screen.

_‘We made a deal. He’s made his list and checked it twice. Who’s been a naughty boy then?’_

Ben thought the dinner he had just eaten was about the project itself up from his stomach. He thought when he didn’t hear back from Buzz Cut, that he had accepted that the money would be a few days late. It turns out he was wrong.

“You alright?” Callum said, rubbing his back. “Stuart just text me. He’ll be over later with Rainie to have a drink. You sure you’re alright.”

Taking a couple of breaths, he turned and smiled at his boyfriend, tucking his phone into his pocket. “Yeah, of course,” he replied, his voice shaking slightly. “Just preparing myself for your brother and his girlfriend’s duet of ‘Island in the Stream’ on the karaoke.”

Callum nodded, his eyes flickering slightly around Ben’s face. “I’ll tell you what, I’ll take Lexi upstairs with Ollie,” he said, giving Ben’s hair a caress as he stood up. “Put a DVD on for them, snuggle them on the sofa with a load of sweets! I won’t be long.”

Ben tried to give him a reassuring smile, but he didn’t know how much it worked. Instead, he tried to busy himself with helping The Carters tidy up, the thought of what would happen now running through his brain. At least Callum was safe, he was just upstairs with the kids so there wasn’t any way for Buzz Cut to get to him at the moment.

“Why you got a face like a ferret chewing a lemon while it’s getting its knackers ripped off?” Shirley asked, elbowing him in the ribs. “What you done?”

“Nothing,” he answered quickly, as he started to place the chairs back to their tables. As it turns out it was far too swift a response for Shirley, who raised her eyebrows suspiciously.

“Who’s taken a bit of mistletoe out my Harrods table centrepiece?” Linda shrieked, holding the green wreath carefully in her hands. “There’s a hole in it now. Jay was that you?”

Ben shrugged towards Shirley. “Well, I did that,” he said with a wry smile, though could feel bile creeping up his throat. “You know me, Shirl. Trouble just seems to find me.”

Before she could answer, there was a loud knock on the door. “Mick! Mick!” Linda squealed. “You’ll have to tell them we ain’t ready to open yet! I’ve got to get all my song lyrics ready first!”

The landlord ambled to the door and the knocking became more insistent. “Alright! Keep your hair on, I’m getting there as quickly as I can. I’m weighed down with two tonne of brussels!” he shouted out, as he unlocked the door.

As soon as it opened, Ben knew what was about to happen. His body instinctively put his hands in the air, and he turned itself around before the first police officer had even spoken. “Ben Mitchell?” he had asked, walking towards him when he gave a nod of confirmation. “You are under arrest under the suspicion of the possession and intent to supply a Class A drug. You do not have to say anything…”

The man’s voice seem to just drift off in the distance. The only thing Ben noticed as he was being led out the door was the face of the man standing at the other end of the bar.

Callum looked heartbroken. And it was all his fault.


	14. Two Choices

Ben tapped his fingers on the table, hoping to project a tone of annoyance rather than the nervous energy his jiggling foot conveyed.

Surprisingly, the police hadn’t made him wait long to interview him. He was half expecting to be thrown in the cells overnight, one that stunk of sick and had urine stains down the tiles. A Mitchell getting arrested would be like a Christmas bonus to the police; he was surprised they weren’t trying to draw it out, relish in the experience and take photos to stick in their monthly newsletter.

An arm subtly reached out and placed authoritative fingers on his hand, warning him to still. Looking around, he met Ritchie’s eyes and he automatically knew that now wasn’t the time to test her. Ben had only been here an hour when he was escorted to a room where he found the lawyer waiting, looking thoroughly frustrated at having to be there, despite the fact she was probably being paid a small fortune by the hour.

It hadn’t been Ben who had called her, so he could only imagine what was going on back at the Square. Jay must have called his dad, told Phil what had happened, and the mess he had got himself into today. It wouldn’t have been unexpected to him. Typical Ben behaviour to screw up a simple job, bring attention to the family and get nicked on Christmas, ruining everyone’s day. It hadn’t surprised him that he had got caught and been arrested but it had been a shock that it had happened before he’d even struck the deal.

It had been a set up, perhaps all along, although more than likely Buzz Cut was just pissed off that Ben had rebelled a little and changed the deadline date. Knowing Ben still had the gear, he would have just needed to tip off the law. It wouldn’t have taken much convincing; they were probably off their seats and flying into their cop cars before the call was even finished. He couldn’t believe he didn’t think of it. Why hadn’t he realised this would happen as soon as the deal was changed? He had been like a sitting duck.

The fact was he had been so distracted by Callum, that he didn’t consider the consequences of his own actions properly. It wasn’t like him, that wasn’t who he was. Ben always thought of every possibility, would always be two steps ahead of the enemy but his mind had become preoccupied and he’d gotten weak and careless. Leaving the drugs in The Arches after he’d missed the deadline, and then even after Buzz Cut’s warning today. That was a rookie error that he just shouldn’t have made.

Callum’s face though, that would have happened no matter what. It was like all the worry and pain had rushed there, taken root in his eyes within just those few seconds. Ben knew he had promised; he’s looked him in the eye and swore he wouldn’t keep secrets and all his debt was payed off. Now, he’d probably have to explain the lie over a prison visiting table at best. At worst, Callum would just refuse to speak or see him, just cutting him out of his life after the final straw.

Two detectives entered the room and sat down opposite Ben and Ritchie. The one nearest gave him a quick smile. That was never good. They all knew who he was, what family he was a part of and what had happened in his past. There would be no soft approach they might give some kid on his first offence. They would go in hard and not give him an inch of room to manoeuvre.

“This interview is taking place at sixteen forty six on the twenty fifth of December two thousand and twenty at Walford Police Station. Present are Detective Inspector Gregory Hart, Detective Constable Amanda Johns, Ben Mitchell and his lawyer Richmal Scott,” the lead officer stated, before quickly turning off the smile and wasting no time. “Where is it Ben?”

Squinting his eyes slightly, Ben was a little taken aback by the first question. “Where’s what?” he asked, his curiosity getting the better of him.

“Ben,” Richie warned. They had discussed the interview technique before hand and agreed the best response was no response at all.

“The large amount of heroin we believe fell into your possession recently,” the detective informed him, sitting back and crossing his arms, just waiting for the right words to fall out of Ben’s lips. “We heard from a little bird that you were making a bit of extra pocket money on the side. Daddy not giving you enough of an allowance?”

Ben knew what he was trying to do, and how he was trying to provoke him. The new information that they hadn’t found the drugs gave him the upper hand though. “Is that what this fine establishment is now basing their arrests on? Rumours and rumblings?” he started, sitting back and matching the detective’s stance. “Is that where all my taxes are going? Tut, tut. I might write to my local council, have a whip round for all of you if you ain’t got the resources to do your job properly.”

“Where are the drugs, Ben?” Detective Hart asked again, his eyes scuttling between him and Ritchie. “We know you took them into your possession.”

Scratching his chin, he pretended to look up in thought. Ben knew he shouldn’t provoke them, shouldn’t push his luck, but the annoyance at having his day ruined, and possibly his life, had to release somewhere, even if he could feel Ritchie’s eyes burrow into the side of his head. “I may have two packets of paracetamol and some out of date antibiotics in my medicine cabinet,” he answered holding his hands up in mock surrender. “Guilty as charged.”

The detective wasn’t amused by the little display, but it was clear he didn’t have many cards to play up his sleeve. “Do you know the maximum prison sentence for intent to supply, Ben?” Hart asked, moving on to his next tactic.

“Is it two weeks in one on those minimum security gaffes?” Ben smirked back. “The ones where all the inmates get to prance through fields and graze on clover?”

“It’s life, Ben,” he informed him, as a hint of glee flowed through his tone. “It’s not going to be like when you were a kid. There won’t be all those social workers keeping an eye and fighting your corner. You won’t measure your time in there in just months. You think a couple of years in a youth detention centre, where the guards held your hand and you were shoved together with a few kids who had their hands slapped for a bit of shoplifting, was bad? The men you’ll be locked up with break bones just for fun.”

“Is this necessary to the investigation?” Richie interrupted. “I suggest unless you have any questions for my client pertaining to the arrest, you think about your tone, Detective. My client has not been charged.”

Hart chuckled wryly. “I’m merely letting Mr Mitchell aware of the sentencing for the alleged crime in the interest of full disclosure,” he replied, catching Ben’s eye. “You could be knocking on middle age when you get out this time. You won’t have your whole life in front of you. That little daughter of yours will be all grown up, won’t she? Doubt she’d be able to point you out on the street. And that boyfriend of yours, you think he’s going to wait about?”

Ben snarled then, any lighter tone evaporating quickly. “You don’t know anything,” he said through gritted teeth.

The smile was getting bigger on Hart’s face, knowing he had hit a nerve. “Oh come on now, let’s be realistic shall we?” he replied. “Soldier weren’t he? Not exactly got a predilection to a life of crime. You’ll be banged up and within a couple of months he’ll be shacked up with someone who can give him a bit of a stability, a home he doesn’t have to worry is gonna be raided, and someone he can be proud to have on his arm. You think he’ll hang around the prison gates waiting for you for fifteen years? By the time you get out, all you’ll be is a faded memory of a big mistake.”

Ben wanted to defend the accusation, to tell him that Callum would never leave him, but his heart didn’t quite believe that. He knew the detective was just trying to stir a reaction, but he wasn’t wrong. If he did go to prison, Callum wouldn’t still be there when he got out and it was naïve for him to believe otherwise. An anger entered his body at the thought, though he knew it was irrational to be furious at his boyfriend for a possible future action which Ben couldn’t blame him for anyway.

“Where are the drugs, Ben,” the other detective asked, her voice soft. He couldn’t believe they were trying to play ‘good cop bad cop’ against him; it was so cliched that he could almost laugh. “Look, if you tell us now then we can help you out. The sentence won’t be anywhere near life; it’s even possible we might even be able to avoid a custodial sentence altogether, but you have to help us. Where are the drugs, Ben?”

It crossed his mind just then, to admit everything. He knew they were just softening him up with suggestions of no prison time. That was a pipe dream; if he got convicted he would go down, whether he sang like a canary or not. It could be reduced though, especially if he admitted guilt. And perhaps it wouldn’t be long enough for everyone in his life to forget him.

Before he got the chance to respond, the door to the room swung open and a uniformed officer put their head around. “Sorry, boss. Can I have a word?” she asked.

“Interview paused at 16.57,” Hart replied, before getting up and crossing to the police officer. Ben couldn’t hear much of the conversation, but he picked up on some when the detective raised his voice. “Who in the hell is Detective Swift? This is my case!”

After a few more moments, Hart came and started to collect his files, a look of thunder in his eyes. “It seems you’ve been blessed by high up, Mitchell,” he said, shaking his head in disdain. “We’ve checked all your properties and can’t find the drugs and a different task force has taken over the case and deemed you no longer a suspect. You’re released without charge.”

Flinging open the door on his way out, he almost hit the other detective who was scuttling out behind him. It was clear that all had not gone to plan on his end, but Ben wasn’t about to question it. Ritchie left soon after, warning him to stay out of trouble, and seeming eager to get back to her Christmas celebrations. He was hoping he could get a lift back home, but by the expression on her face, it told him not to push his luck.

Collecting his belongings, he staggered out slowly towards the exit. Ben could feel the looks of disdain he received through the corridor, clearly he wasn’t a face that could go incognito through these parts. As he pulled his coat around him, ready for the chilly walk home, he stopped when he saw a familiar face in the waiting area.

Sitting slouched in a chair, with his legs stretched out and arms harshly folded, was Callum. Ben froze for a second, not sure what to say or what to do at that moment. He hadn’t expected him to be there, and immediately questioned why he would be waiting, before shaking it off. Of course he would be there. He was always there.

Callum seemed to catch sight of him out of the corner of his eye, and quickly got up and headed out the door without saying a word. Ben stuttered a little in his movements, taken aback by the lack of contact and tentatively followed him out the building. Though he should have known that Callum would be waiting for him, he should have also known he wouldn’t get a soft, delicate and warm welcome. He may have only seen him for a few seconds, but Ben could tell exactly the sort of mood Callum was in, and it wouldn’t be one of gentle kisses and holding hands.

When he got outside, he saw Callum pacing across the road, not even looking behind him to see if Ben was following. He stopped when he reached a car that Ben recognised was one from the car lot. “Get in the car,” Callum said, finally looking towards him.

Ben didn’t want to go any further with this mood still between them. He hated it when Callum was in this temperament at him, it made him feel worthless in a way and guilty for every little thing he had done, wanting to take back all his actions immediately. “I think we should talk about this,” he offered, hoping to get everything out in the open now, so neither of them had to spend many more moments feeling like this.

“We will talk about this, Ben, but not here with half of London’s police force walking by,” he explained gesturing with his hand firmly, his eyes fierce and determined. “Get in the car!”

There was a hesitance again to Ben’s footsteps, an urgency and a need to try and explain. “Maybe we should walk,” he suggested. “You had a drink or two earlier didn’t you?”

Callum sighed loudly before walking towards Ben. “That’s the least of our worries. Get in the car,” he said quietly, trying a different tact.

The mellowed tone wasn’t quite fooling him though, as Callum’s eyes still burnt and his forehead was still tense. “You’re mad, I get it,” he conceded.

“I’m not mad,” Callum replied with a tense jaw and a with a tone that wouldn’t fall anyone.

“You sound like you’re mad,” Ben muttered.

“That’s because I want you to get in the car!” Callum shouted, hitting the bonnet with his hand, as a few people started to stare.

Ben nodded and then rounded to open the passenger side door. There was no point in arguing at the moment; Callum was clearly not in the mood to talk right now. All he wanted to do was explain, and it grated him slightly that he wasn’t being given the opportunity to do that.

It wasn’t Callum’s fault, he knew that, but he didn’t need someone to come in and collect him like he was a little boy suspended from school, ready to take a lecture on the car ride home. He clicked in his belt and then leaned his elbow on the window, staring out of it as he heard Callum get in and start the engine.

They had only been driving for a minute or two, when Ben decided he couldn’t stand the silence. He didn’t want to wait until they got to the flat to find out whether all his clothes and possessions were bagged up and out on the pavement. It wasn’t usual to drive someone home and then dump them, but then he and Callum weren’t exactly ordinary in anything they did in their relationship.

Ben wasn’t even sure if Callum knew what was happening with him. Obviously he knew why he had been arrested, the officer had hardly whispered it delicately in the pub, but he didn’t know if his boyfriend knew that they hadn’t found the evidence yet.

“They didn’t charge me,” he said, the words feeling like they boomed through the air in the car. He was careful what he said, ridiculously cautious that he wasn’t about to lie with his confession. “There wasn’t any evidence.”

“You must have known that this was going to happen,” Callum, said, barely in a whisper, clearly reading between the lines of what Ben was saying. There was no question that he knew Ben was involved with drugs at some point when he didn’t deny it straight away. “When you got involved in drugs, you knew that you could get banged up for a long time.”

Ben shrugged his shoulders. It was worth the risk to keep Callum safe. “I thought I could handle it,” he confessed. It thought back to what one of the detectives had said in the interview “It weren’t a huge job, I might not have even got a prison sentence.”

Callum turned to look towards him, shaking his head in disbelief. “Oh yeah, you knock out five kilos of smack and they just wag their finger and sit you on the naughty step for half hour,” he snarked back. “It weren’t worth the risk trying to sell it.”

Stopping himself from screaming, he rubbed his face in his hands. Callum just didn’t understand. He didn’t want him to either. Ben did what he needed to do, knowing the risks. The only question now was why he had been set free. Even he could admit, he hadn’t exactly hid the drugs to his best ability in The Arches. From Ritchie, he had found out that the police had searched there, amongst other places. Why hadn’t they found them?

Something clicked for Ben then. There was only two people who had a key apart from him. One of them was Keanu, and he didn’t think it likely that the man would dig out a few kilos of heroin and throw them in the wheelie bin without asking a few questions. The other person was much more likely to remove them; Phil.

Ben wanted to make sure they were really gone, before he went and approached his dad. This was just something he would do, and something he was sure to hold over Ben’s head. “Go towards The Arches,” he ordered Callum, as they were nearing home.

“What? No! The police have been all over that place, Ben,” Callum replied. “It ain’t going to look good if they see you sniffing around there on Christmas Day. Let’s just go home.”

There was no chance he was going to relent with this. He needed to know. He needed to be sure. “Well either you drive there, or I jump out of this moving vehicle, break bones and have to crawl my way there.”

“Don’t be so dramatic, we’re at traffic lights!” Callum said with a tut. “Most you’d break is a nail if she started hurling yourself out the door. Fine, if that’s what you want.”

Callum pulled the car around towards The Arches. The car barely stopped before Ben clicked off his belt and opened the door, pacing up to the garage. He felt his anger rise at the fact the police had left the door open after their search. “Look what they’ve done!” he said pointing it out to Callum. “Left it ajar so anyone could come in!”

“Yeah, you wouldn’t want just anybody wandering in,” Callum replied, and his tone was still darker, still ill at ease. “They might raid your cannabis greenhouse; then where would you be?”

Ben ignored the sarcasm and headed towards the locker at the far end of the garage. It was wide open, and had clearly been searched. Wherever the drugs were, they weren’t here anymore.

Thinking it through, it was obvious what happened now. When Jay told Phil about the arrest, his dad must have come around here after he phoned Ritchie. He would have known this is where he would keep the drugs, and had managed to get them before the police had turned up to raid. Now all he had to do was find his dad and explain.

Heading towards the door, he didn’t make it two steps before Callum stuck his hand out and grabbed his arm. “Where you going?” he asked, his brow furrowed as he clung on to Ben’s jacket.

“I’ve got to go find my dad,” he answered, his voice firm. “Do you know where he is? Is he still at home?”

“You mean his house?” Callum replied, his jaw clenched. “That’s not our home is it? I think we need to talk Ben.”

“You’re the one that didn’t want to when I tried earlier!” he exclaimed, trying to wriggle his arm out of his boyfriend’s grip.

“I didn’t want to do in the middle of the street, and I don’t want to do it here,” he hissed back. He clearly wasn’t pleased with Ben’s attitude. “Let’s go back to the flat.”

“We will, but not now,” Ben explained, as Callum screwed up his nose at the rejection. “I need to go find my dad first. It’s important.”

Callum let go then, quickly, as if he’d been burnt. “What, and we ain’t?” he asked, the hurt evident in his voice.

“Don’t twist things, I just need to find my dad, Callum,” Ben said as his boyfriend stepped away and sat on the desk. “I swear we’ll talk later, but I have to do this now.”

Callum looked completely deflated then, as if he was the only kid in the class who hadn’t been invited to a birthday party. He started to stride towards the door, before stopping and taking a deep breath. “He’s at The Vic.” Ben nodded his thanks and turned to follow his boyfriend out. “Are you going to lock up, or just leave it open for anyone to walk in? Your business, not mine.”

Ben would have laughed at the twisted meaning in those few words, if it hadn’t punched him in the gut. Callum nodded to the desk, and Ben reached down the get the keys, before locking the door, his temper fraying a little at the edges.

They walked over to the Vic in silence, just the shuffling of their heels on the tarmacked road. Ben was slightly surprised that Callum was coming with him, expecting him to storm off back to the flat. Perhaps that’s what he hoped he would do. There was a thickness in the air between them like something was going to blow eventually.

Pushing open the door to the pub, he could automatically see that his arrest hadn’t dampened the festive atmosphere as Jean and Kat were belting out ‘Total Eclipse of the Heart’ on the karaoke, and there was laughter and merriment, with drinks flowing freely. It felt almost intrusive being here, in a place with such a different vibe than the darkened world he had been standing in two minutes before.

Seeing his dad in the corner, by the bar, he started to make his way over, before a hand stopped him. “Ben! What have you been up to?” Kathy slurred at him, a large sherry in her hand. “I’ve been worried sick.”

He glanced at the alcohol and back up at him mum’s face. “Yeah it looks like it,” he replied, his tone harsh and unyielding.

“Ben!” Callum warned, as he put his arm around Kathy. He knew his boyfriend had a point; it wasn’t his mum’s fault, but at that moment the happiness and normality around them was jarring with his brain. He felt out of place. He felt alone.

Making his way the final few steps, he leaned on the bar next to his dad, earning a scornful glare from Linda who was standing by the till. It wasn’t as though he has planned the police to ramraid their Christmas celebration. He didn’t plan any of this.

“They let you out then?” his dad asked simply, as Callum’s gaze was intense and harsh from across the bar at both of them.

“Didn’t have nothing on me, did they?” he said, trying to hold his head up high. “Did you get rid of it?”

Phil looked around the bar when hearing his question before turning towards his son. “It’s been dealt with,” he replied quietly, and Ben realised that Kathy and Callum were now both glaring in their direction. Disposing of the drugs wasn’t something his dad would want to draw attention to, for multiple reasons. He didn’t disclose any more details and Ben knew better than to ask.

Ben patted his dad on the arm, before lifting himself off the bar and breathing a sigh of relief. It was one weight off his shoulders at least. He ordered a beer from Tracey, placing the money down before moving back through the bar. Another hand grabbed him again, and he turned to meet Callum’s eyes.

“Why don’t you just put a set of reins on me?” Ben suggested, getting tired of every step he took being questioned. He had managed to do it; the police had no evidence of the drugs and Buzz Cut’s plan hadn’t worked. It had been with his dad’s help, but he had done it. He didn’t need a babysitter to follow his every move. “I’m going to the gents, if that’s alright with you?”

Ben shrugged off Callum’s grip, and made his way to the toilets. He wasn’t quite sure why he was so angry at his boyfriend. That’s just where his annoyance seemed to be transferring to tonight though. In his heart, he knew it wasn’t anything Callum was doing. He was just angry at the day being ruined, and his boyfriend not understanding that he did it all for him. That was all on Ben though. He hadn’t told Callum. And he wouldn’t either.

Washing his hands by the sink, he heard the door swing open, glancing up at the mirror to see who had entered. “I genuinely was just using the toilet,” he said, keeping his voice level, while his words were teasing. He remembered all those clandestine meetings in here last year; all the secrets and lies, hidden looks and even more hidden meanings. “It weren’t an invitation for a bit of a grope.”

There seemed to be a beat of a few seconds as Callum held his gaze in the reflection, and time paused. It was frozen, everything and anything and it was like it all became clear for just a second; all those little pieces fell into place and he could see the whole puzzle, before it all dropped away again like a dream after you wake up. Time seemed to start again so quickly, perhaps a nanosecond before Ben himself did, that he didn’t even realise his back had hit the wall, until the thud ricocheted through his body.

There was anger in Callum’s eyes, as he gripped hold of Ben’s shirt tightly, but something darker heightened through; more intense, deeper and primeval than any passing annoyance could ever be. This he recognised. It was almost simultaneous, their lips meeting, and they crashed together at the same time. Ben clawed at the collar of Callum’s shirt, needing to have him closer, wanting no space between them at all.

Callum’s hands moved to his hips and held them in place forcefully, dominantly, as they parted briefly with loud breaths escaping between kisses. “Swear to me there’s no more drugs anywhere,” Callum said, leaning down to nip at his neck. It wasn’t gentle; it was possessive and cautionary, and Ben could feel a mark appear almost instantly.

“What?” he replied, not matching the question with the acts of their bodies. His hands were scrabbling by Callum’s waist, trying to reach more of his skin.

“Swear to me that you don’t have any more drugs hid anywhere,” he repeated, stopping what he was doing and leaning back, breathing heavily and looking Ben in the eye.

“I swear it,” Ben confirmed, and he could say that honestly. “I swear on my life.”

He moved in to kiss Callum again, but a strong hand stopped him. “Swear on my life,” he said, his tone full of conviction and his face more serious than he had ever seen.

It wasn’t something Ben wanted to do, and he knew his boyfriend understood the severity of that request. “I swear on your life,” he answered, the words sticking in his throat, though they were the honest truth. He had to swallow them down, as they scraped his insides.

Callum gave a nod, seemingly believing him and he slowly moved back to kiss Ben, the act more tender now and he brushed his thumb against his cheek. The focus was lost for Ben now, as those swallowed words came roaring back up. He pushed Callum back from him a little. “What, don’t you trust me?” he asked.

Narrowing his eyes at him, Callum started shaking his head. “It ain’t about that,” he replied. “Of course I trust you. I believe you.”

It had hurt Ben, having to swear on his boyfriend’s life like it was some chip that could be traded in a poker game. It was too precious and too vulnerable to make a deal with the devil like that, and Ben wanted to take the words back. It felt like they were somehow tempting fate, though the promise had been honest. He was furious at Callum for making him do it; for making him treat his life so insignificantly.

“You ain’t acted like you believe me,” Ben replied, his anger bubbling now, simmering further and further. “Ever since you picked me up you been acting off.”

Callum rubbed a hand over his face and sighed. “What am I meant to act like? I’m bailing out my boyfriend after he was handcuffed in the middle of Christmas lunch!” he shouted, his voice growing louder and annoyance growing more evident. “I’m supposed to be mad at that aren’t I? It would look a bit strange if I got in the party atmosphere. You want me to get on the karaoke and sing Jailhouse Rock?”

“You weren’t bailing me out; I weren’t charged with anything!” his voice growing louder, as his rage was now burning through him. It was like lava flowing down a volcano. It couldn’t be stopped. “You knew what you were signing up for Callum. Don’t pull the innocent card out, like you expect me to be head of the neighbourhood watch! You know who I am!”

“Yes I do! I do!” Callum roared back, slapping his hand to his chest. “I’ve always known, and I’ve always been able to deal with it! That’s the problem you have! That I see through you! That I know all this crap about playing the hard man and doing dodgy deals for the fun of it, is all bullshit. Where do you get off trying to play someone else around me?”

“I’m playing someone else!” Ben cried back, and if he stopped for a second, even a moment, he knew there would be tears building in his eyes. “That’s really rich, that is!”

Callum stilled, his brow furrowed. “What’s that supposed to mean?”

Ben scuffled his foot against the wall, his eyes catching on the skirting. “They painted over it, Mick and Linda have,” he said nodding towards where they carved their names the year before. “Can’t barely see it anymore. It’s almost like it never happened. We ain’t the same people as we were then.”

“This about me now, is it?” Callum asked. “You’re turning it back on to what I’m doing?”

“That’s the point,” Ben shouted, raising his hands up before slapping them back down. “You ain’t doing anything! You should be over at the flat throwing my clothes onto the pavement for what I done today! Instead, you’re putting your head in the sand and pretending that I’m some perfect boyfriend! Like I’m a miracle worker who can save your soul! I can’t save anything that broken!”

There were tears then, but they appeared in Callum’s eyes, not his, and that’s the last place he wanted to put his pain. His boyfriend just nodded, and started walking towards the door as Ben’s regret filled up within his body. Ben took hold of his arm to stop him leaving. “Callum, I didn’t mean-”

Immediately his hand was harshly pushed away and Callum raised his finger, stooping slightly to look Ben deep in his eyes. He hated seeing the pain and sadness swirling in there. “I know exactly who you are,” Callum said, emphasising every syllable with his hand. “You don’t get to tell me what I don’t know!”

Throwing open the door, he disappeared out into the pub. Ben hated that the conversation was left like that, annoyed that Callum just walked away from it like it was over. The comment from earlier was still sticking and building, that bubbling again, as he grabbed the door handle and stormed out after his boyfriend.

“I ain’t finished!” he cried, when he reached the bar and saw Callum making his way back through the crowd. Over on the karaoke, Kush and Martin were doing a rendition of ‘Don’t Go Breaking My Heart’, the noise filling the area. Ben raised his voice even further. “Don’t you dare fucking walk away from me!”

Callum stopped then, but so did the whole bar, as they turned to look at them both. Martin and Kush, lost their place in their lyrics and trailed off as silence hit. Ben was breathing heavily, the anger having escaped and dissipated. Now he was only left with that regret again. The story of his life.

Turning around, Callum started to approach him. “I ain’t the one pulling away,” he answered, his voice quieter now, but firm. “You’re lying to me! And that’s fine, I can deal with that. I get that, despite what you might think. That ain’t the problem. The problem is you’re lying to yourself about what’s going on. I ain’t the one with my head in the sand. Don’t bother coming home.”

He wanted to scream out everything there. Then he remembered his promise to Callum’s mum. To protect him, even if it was from Ben himself. Callum may not think he need it, but he did. That stumped any other vows he made. He could break his own heart to keep Callum’s soul intact. He simply watched as his boyfriend waited, before shaking his head and walking out the door.

There was a hand on his wrist, as he felt the the tears build in his eyes and everyone was watching. “Come on,” the voice said softly. “Come sit down.”

He let himself be pulled along to a corner booth, as he quickly swiped away the tears which were now falling quickly. In the background, he could hear Linda recruit some more singers for the karaoke, trying to move the atmosphere back into a more festive vibe.

“Here we are then, back sitting in the same place a year later,” Whitney said, lifting her glass to her lips with a small smile. “I promise I won’t try and scratch your eyes out this time.”

Ben’s lips turned upwards a little in recognition of the absurdity of where they were now to where they were then. That night had ended with Callum putting space between them too. It was different then though. During last Christmas, he knew Callum had wanted him, but there was still doubt festering around in his words and actions. He was still trying to please everyone and taking their lead for what to do.

This Callum tonight, had been defiant and so sure of his words and choices that it made Ben stop and think a little. Perhaps he was still treating him like that confused man whose whole world fell apart last year, rather than his boyfriend who had slowly rebuilt both their lives.

Mick came over and put a whisky down in front on him, but didn’t meet his eye. Ben appreciated the gesture and understood why there was no comforting words to accompany it. Bringing the glass up to his lips, he took a quick sip, placing it down on the table before anyone could see how his hand was shaking.

“You’ve had a bit of a day then,” Whitney said, as she brought a small pack of Kleenex out from her bag. “First Christmas with your boyfriend where he don’t have a wife, had to face Linda’s cooking, got arrested while tucking into a mince pie and then had a slanging match in the loos. You two weren’t half loud!”

“I bet he never shouted at you like that,” he said, taking the white hankie she offered him. He quickly rubbed it over his eyes, before balling it into his fist so no one could see. The comment came out a little like he was jealous. It was ridiculous he knew, but he felt Callum slipping away and it made him petty.

“You both do tend to a have a barney or two, don’t you,” she said with a droll chuckle. “Can’t say there’s been many occasions I ain’t seen you bicker.”

“You said that last year, you remember?” Ben replied, his memory shuffling to and fro quickly between all those days he had spent with Callum since they met. It was like one of those microfiches at the library, spinning wildly as you tried to capture a glimpse. It all felt mixed up in his head. “You said, how could we expect to last when we couldn’t spend two minutes without rowing.”

“Well, you’re still together aren’t you?” she replied. “And no, he didn’t ever shout like that with me. Don’t that tell you something?”

Ben nodded, picking up his drink and having a longer gulp. “Yeah, I piss him off more than you do, and disappoint him more than you do. Seems pretty simple to me.”  
  


“That ain’t it. I never saw him like that until he was with you,” she remarked. “It took me a long time but I get it now. The reason he’s like that is because he don’t need to hide anything from you. He wants you to know everything. He trusts you and wants to fight for you because he cares about you and your relationship. You bring out all those emotions in him, every little last one; he feels them all for you.”

“I keep messing up,” Ben said, downing the final drops of his whiskey and slamming his glass down. “I can’t be the person he wants me to be.”

She rolled her eyes at him then, and gave him a shove with her hand. “What? You think he went into this thing with you believing you was Mother Theresa?” she said. “Come off it! If Callum had wanted some nice, decent bloke he wouldn’t have touched you with a bargepole.”

“Cheers, Whit. It’s nice to see I ain’t gone up too high in your estimations.”

“You know what I mean,” she replied. “I don’t think he’s mad at you for the stuff you think he’s mad about. Did that make sense? This prosecco’s gone straight to me head!”

There was a ting that rang out between them, and for a second Ben thought it was his phone and Callum had messaged him. Before he could reach into his pocket, Whitney picked up her mobile from the table and smiled as she read the message.

“You got a fella on the go?” Ben asked with a smirk. “January wedding is it?”

Placing her phone down she looked back at him, unflapped by his comment. Ben noticed how happy she looked. He didn’t think he’d ever seen her this way. “No, I’m free, single and window shopping!” she remarked with a giggle. “Following in your footsteps ain’t I?”

“You’re using a dating app?” he asked surprised. “Well, well, well, I’ll be peaking out my window to spot you doing a walk a shame of a morning.”

“It ain’t nothing like that!” she scolded. “It’s nothing serious; just a bit of chatting. It’s fun, ain’t it, just to have a flirt. Besides, I’m starting me course in January at the community college. Business Studies to help with my stall and the accounts and all that.”

“Walford’s next millionaire, eh?” he said, smiling. He was pleased for her. What he and Callum did never sat right with him though he knew it was better for everyone in the long run. “See, turns out we did you a favour. You’re out there getting qualifications, developing a business and probably a litter of men prepared to fall at your feet. Me and him are at falling apart.”

“Stop being so dramatic and feeling sorry for yourself!” she told him. “You messed up, you had a row and it’ll all blow over like it usually does with you two, when you both realise you can’t spend more than three minutes apart before you start making doe eyes at each other. You’ll have made up before morning. Trust me.”

As much as he would have liked to have believed Whitney’s words, and as much as they had been true in the past, Ben spent the night tossing and turning on Jay’s sofa without a word from Callum. He could take some of the blame for that; several times he opened up his phone and started to type a message, asking him if he could come home and saying he was sorry.

Then he remembered it was Callum who walked away, who was giving up on him and he threw it back on the table, staggering up and digging around in Jay’s kitchen until he found half a bottle of vodka. Ben just sat there for the next hour, the television muted, letting the alcohol burn its way down his throat and numb his body.

When he woke the next day, his head pounded and he just shut his eyes again. Faintly, he could hear noise around him, but he just threw the duvet over his head and let his body sleep until it started to heal itself. The second time he awoke, he gingerly shrugged the blanket off, his eyes heavy and mood even more so when the events of the day before came flooding back.

In front of him on the coffee table was a note from Jay, telling him that he’d tried to wake him up, and had gone over to Phil’s house. Ben groaned at the reminder he was supposed to go to his dad’s for a big family Boxing Day lunch. There wasn’t anything he could think of that he wanted to do less than go and play happy families. His dad was just a reminder of how much he had screwed up the last couple of days, making errors that Phil never would. There would be Honey and Billy there, always with a quick word to pick up the mistakes of his life. Louise would roll her eyes in a way that screamed ‘I told you so’. Jay and Lola would try and berate him, nagging on about how he was treating his boyfriend. It would be just like it used to be at these meals; before Callum, before he had someone there to make him feel worthy.

The only thought that made him get off the sofa and head for the shower was the fact that Lexi would be there. He was thankful for the fact that Callum had taken her and Ollie upstairs yesterday just before the police came in and arrested him. That’s not what he wanted her to see; he wanted to be a better version of himself in front of her.

Once he was dressed again, he headed out onto the Square. There were a few looks sent his way; he hadn’t exactly quietly scampered through the day yesterday so in a way he couldn’t blame them. They’d be muttering and condemning and calling him every name under the sun.

It wasn’t until Ben glanced at his phone that he realised what time it was. He would have missed lunch, of that he was certain. Now instead of just walking in the house and having to face looks of disdain for his actions yesterday, he would now have to do that but with added scorn for his late arrival.

Pushing open the kitchen door, the first sight he noticed was Lola sitting at the table with her head in her hands, and Jay with his arms folded slouched back in his chair. This certainly wasn’t the merriest lunch atmosphere, even for his family. “Alright?” he asked, before noticing Honey was standing behind the door at the sink, scrubbing a pan. “I ain’t missed the game of Twister have I?”

Lola sent him a glare. “No, you have missed most the day though, including Sharon turning up saying she wants a divorce.”

“Sharon?” he questioned, not expecting that as a response. “What happened?”

“Oh we all sat down for a round of turkey sandwiches and got the Quality Street out, didn’t we?” Jay snarled back. “What do you think happened? It all kicked off into a slanging match. Your dad saying she wouldn’t get a penny and Sharon threatening to take him for everything he owned.”

“Do you want a sandwich, Ben?” Honey asked, pointing to the fridge with a pink rubber gloved hand. “We’ve got plenty of ham.”

“No thanks, Hon. Did Lex hear?” he asked Lola, who thankfully shook her head.

“Billy took the kids out and down the park as soon as she came in,” Lola replied. “I ain’t never seen him move so fast. Louise took the baby with them.”

“We’ve got honey-roast, gammon, Wiltshire bread crumbed and panna cotta,” Honey continued. “It won’t be any trouble.”

Ben shook his head again. “No, I ain’t hungry,” he replied. “Where’s dad now? Is he alright?”

“Don’t you mean pancetta, Hon?” Jay said, squinting in confusion. “He’s in the front room with, Callum, who thankfully managed to stop him from breaking anything or anyone.”

“Yeah, right help you were!” Lola scoffed at her boyfriend. “Honey got more involved than you did. All you ended up doing was hiding behind the trifle and then whacking the glass bowl with a spoon to try and get everyone to shut up.”

“Self defence lessons at the community centre for two months,” Honey added proudly. “Really makes you assertive in these situations. I started last time after the quinoa incident. Did you want some trifle, Ben?”

Ben ignored the offer after hearing Jay’s words. “Wait, Callum’s here?” he asked slowly.

“Yeah,” Jay replied as if it was obvious. “At least one of you in that relationship can tell the bloody time.”

Ben shrugged off the dig, and started to stroll towards the lounge. As he walked in, he saw his dad and Callum in hushed whispers at the dining table. Phil looked up when he noticed he had entered the room, raising his eyebrows. “You’ve decided to grace us with your presence then.”

“Sounds like I missed all the fun,” he replied, before turning to Callum. He looked good, but there was a little redness around his eyes. Ben hated himself for almost feeling a bit of relief by that. It meant that he still cared, that he hadn’t just gone home and forgotten about him. “What you doing here?”

It had maybe come out of his lips with more of an accusatory tone than the inquiring one he was trying to deliver. Callum’s face automatically went into a defensive frown. “I was invited,” he clarified. “Or did you just want me to sit at home by myself? You know, the flat that was raided by the police. I’m not welcome at family events cause you threw a strop yesterday, is that it?”

“I weren’t the one who walked off!” Ben said, raising his voice at the accusation. “You left me there in front of everyone and yet it’s my fault? You told me not to come home!”

“And since when do you ever do what anyone tells you if it don’t suit you?” he remarked, shaking his head and turning away like he couldn’t even look at him. “You didn’t exactly put up a fight did you? You didn’t even try coming over.”

“How are you putting this all on me?” Ben shouted back. “Why am I the one that has to do the running?”

Phil slammed his fist down on the table, making them both jump. “Will you both stop it!” he bellowed. “There’s been enough aggro in this house today! You’re both acting like a couple of kids! Why don’t you both sit down and have a talk before Honey starts launching in here with her kung fu moves again!”

Ben could feel Callum’s eyes on him, and he knew it was his move. He wanted to go sit down, and his heart was beating so fast as if the motion would force him over to the table. Unfortunately, his brain was still in protection mode and he hesitated, just a moment too long for his boyfriend’s liking.

Pushing his chair back, Callum wore a look of thunder. “Yeah, it’s me that don’t want to talk it out,” he huffed out, making his way towards the door. “There’s only so long you can keep trying to run away from this, Ben. Don’t bother coming back home. I mean it this time. I’ve changed the locks.”

The sound of the door slamming rebounding through his body as his dad looked at him, shaking his head. “What!” he spat out, annoyed at his dad, annoyed at Callum, at the world and everyone in it. But most of all himself.

“Usually you got to be wed to argue like a married couple,” his dad said unhelpfully. “Sort yourself out Ben.”

Ben heeded Callum’s warning and stayed away for the rest of the week. He didn’t know if that’s what his boyfriend actually wanted him to do or not. “Why don’t you get your mopey bollocks off the sofa and go see him,” Jay had said to him, one day, clearing away an array of dishes and bottles from around him where he’d taken up residency on the couch. Ben didn’t though. He was in this hell, this limbo where he was damned for his actions, but at least there wasn’t a finality to it. What he was really afraid of was going to see Callum and it all ending for good.

“Oi! Stig of the Dump! I need to borrow your leather jacket for later,” Jay said, punching the duvet he was laying under. “Ben! Do you hear me? Are you dead under there, cause you certainly smell like it.”

“Go away and bother a few corpses would you,” he mumbled, turning over to face his brother. “What do you want my jacket for?”

Jay sighed at him. “Do you even know what day it is?” he replied. “You can look at a calendar while having a heartbroken strop like a twelve year old. It’s New Year’s Eve, ain’t it?”

Ben looked at him like he was crazy. He hadn’t actually known what day it was, the last four having past in a blur with no beginning and no end. “So what?” he asked. “You gonna have a resolution to stop dressing like a street urchin, are you?”

“It’s the costume party in the Vic tonight, or did you forget that as well?” Jay huffed, wrinkling up his nose at the smell coming from the sofa. “Everyone’s going dressed from different decades. You remember, Linda signed us all up on Russian Night when she was plying us all with those vodka jelly things. Me and Lola got the 1950s.”

Ben moaned and rolled back over. The last thing he wanted to do was go to a party. His plan to see in the new year was to sit on the sofa, down a bottle of whatever was left in the cupboard and then pass out before Big Ben’s bongs. “No, you can’t borrow it,” he replied, with a groan. “I ain’t having you drop cocktail sausages down it while looking like a community theatre Danny Zuko.”

“Who?” Jay said a sigh. “Fine. I think I’ve got a baseball jacket somewhere. That’ll have to do. You planning on getting up at any point next year, before you and the couch just start to meld together as one?

Ben didn’t respond, and a little while later he heard the door slam shut as Jay left for the evening. His eyes were just starting to doze when he heard the familiar beep of his phone. Scrabbling his hand out, he reached it and opened one eye to see who it was from. The sight made him sit up quickly and feel more awake than he had all week. Buzz Cut.

_‘Meet me tonight and bring the package. Not a request.’_

Ben’s heart started beating faster. It wasn’t as though he had forgotten about Buzz Cut and everything that happened at Christmas. He just thought it was over. He’d gotten Ben arrested, he must have known the deal couldn’t have gone through once the police were on his back. He now expected the gear back, and Ben didn’t have it.

_‘I don’t have it. It’s been got rid of. We’re done.’_

He clicked send and winced as soon as he did. It was a long shot that his response would be accepted, but it was all that he had.

_‘Fine. Then just bring yourself. The Arches at 9. Don’t be late and don’t bring anyone. I’m watching.’_

That didn’t sound good to Ben’s ears. He was turning up without the hundreds of thousands of pounds of drugs he’d been told to sell, and without the money he would have got for them. There was only one way this was going to end.

Should he tell his dad? That would be what Buzz Cut would expect though, for them both to come rumbling up at the same time. Then he wouldn’t turn up at all. He really didn’t want to run to Phil again either. Ben’s phone beeped again, and he glanced at it wondering what threat would be next. He didn’t expect it to be Callum with words that left him feeling colder than any Buzz Cut had sent.

_‘Come over. We need to talk.’_

There was no kiss at the end, no explanation and no feeling. He knew what this signalled. It was why he had been hiding on Jay’s sofa. They’d reached the point where Callum had enough and realised that Ben was dragging him down. That he would always drag him down.

Glancing at his watch, it was still early. If he thought his Christmas was bad, it would have nothing on this New Year. He now had to go get dumped by his boyfriend and then go get his face smashed in, or worse. Why was nothing ever easy?

Ben got dressed and left the house, walking slowly over to the flat. If he’d been in limbo this past week, this was like going to his final judgement where they looked over every thing he had done this past year and decided Hell was even better than he deserved. It had all gone wrong, it had all spiralled out of control and now here he was ready to be purged. That’s what you get for trying to ignore things and tuck them away. That’s what you get for trying to lull the monsters to sleep rather than killing them. Eventually they will wake, and they’ll be hungrier than before.

When he got to the flat, he noticed the door was ajar and he could have swung for Callum then. Buzz Cut was lurking about, pissed off and wanting to get revenge and his boyfriend was practically giving him an open invitation to walk in. Ben knew his anger was misplaced, and it was pre-empting whatever was about to happen. That was his problem sometimes; he’d go on the offence even if there was the slightest chance of attack.

Entering the flat, he instinctively threw his keys on the counter. It was just a little reflex action, but it automatically felt like home. Turning the corner into the lounge, he was surprised how bare it was from when he remembered leaving it on Christmas day. Callum was sitting in the chair, still and waiting.

“What happened to the decorations?” he asked tentatively, shuffling slightly into the room. Ben felt like the further he went in, the more real this would feel, and he didn’t want it to happen. He wanted to go back and hide under the cover on Jay’s sofa and pretend that things could get better.

“Didn’t much fancy seeing them up,” Callum replied, his voice even. He wasn’t shouting at Ben, so that was something. It made him feel sad though, hearing his boyfriend’s solemnness at the mention of the Christmas tree and the other ornaments. It had been important to Ben, to make Callum have a proper Christmas that would wipe away all the bad memories from when he was a kid. If anything he had only made the experience worse. “You gonna sit down, or just hover in the doorway?”

Ben came and sat down on the sofa. It felt bizarre in a way, like he was a stranger in his own home, but also that this was the most comfortable he felt all week. He looked at Callum, poised to speak, his hands linked together and ready to break his whole world. And he cracked. “Please don’t leave me,” he said, quiet and pleading and before he could even worry about the desperation it entailed.

There was barely any movement from his boyfriend, just a flicker of his eyes towards him and a slight crease in his brow. “What you talking about?” he replied, as if the comment wasn’t specific enough.

“I can’t-“ he started before his voice was crushed by the lump in his throat, and he had to take his gaze away from Callum and look down at the floor. He could everything just rush through his body, all those feelings and secrets that he had pushed down this last year. “I can’t lose you. I don’t want to be without you.”

“I ain’t going anywhere,” he heard Callum answer, as he felt two plodding hot tears fall on to his hand. He frowned for a second before taking the risk to look back at his boyfriend.

“You’re chucking me right?” Ben said, needing the confirmation, though he didn’t want to hear the words.

“No!” Callum replied, and he got up off his chair and settled next to Ben. “Why would you think that?”

Ben rubbed his face with his hands, wondering if this was just his mind playing tricks. “We ain’t spoken in a week, and then you text me with ‘We need to talk’,” he said, his voice clearly broken with the sound of tears. “Then I come over and you’re sitting down like you’re about to sentence me to the guillotine. ‘We need to talk’ means you’re gonna chuck someone!”

“You think I’d clear off that easily? I just meant that I thought we should talk. I missed your voice,” he said softly, any of the fierceness in his face dissipated. “Whitney got confused about the same thing once. I thought it was just a bird thing. I thought you wouldn’t read in to it like that.”

Leaning his head back, Ben took a deep breath, feeling the air enter his lungs in the first time in a week. “I can’t believe you did that to me,” he said, and he leaned his cheek into the touch as Callum softly stroked his cheek. “I was proper having kittens!”

“I’ve missed you,” Callum said gently. “I couldn’t stand these last four days being without you. I’ve hated it.”

“I was only over the road,” Ben replied, perhaps pushing his luck a little. “You could have called if you weren’t so stubborn.”

Callum tutted and gave him a little shove. “Don’t start all that again!” he said, though his eyes were light enough for Ben to know there was no kick behind his words. “You were a right ratty little brat on Christmas Day!”

“I may have been a little on edge, I’ll give you that,” he replied with a laugh. “I’m sorry. For everything.”

Callum ran his fingers gently through Ben’s hair. “I know you are. I know,” he confirmed, as he shuffled closer. “I hate fighting with you; I didn’t mean to lose my temper, I was just trying to make you understand.”

“Understand what?” he asked, as he leaned his head on Callum’s shoulder.

“That I get it. That I get you and you ain’t got to protect me from that,” he said gently, almost a whisper in Bens ear, like it would settle in and he would believe it. “I don’t like it when you separate us, like I’m someone that won’t understand. Makes me feel guilty. You can tell me anything. Ben-”

“What you got to feel guilty about?” he asked. “Apart from making me sleep on Jay’s sofa for a week. I swear that thing was dragged in there from the tip after the rats wouldn’t even kip on it. Given me a right pain in my back!”

“Well Jay was complaining how you’re a pain in the arse, so I guess you’re even,” Callum replied with a smile. “Ben, we need to talk about tonight.”

“Oh God, the costume party right?” Ben said with a groan. All he wanted to do was cuddle up on the sofa with Callum, not see in the new year dressed like Sonny and Cher. “What decade did we get given again? Please tell me it ain’t the sixties. Not really feeling the happy clappy flower power tonight.”

Callum shook his head. “No, it’s the nineties. Just shove on your old blue jeans with the holes in, a white T-Shirt and your leather jacket. That’ll do,” he replied, before leaning back and picking at his fingers slightly. “Are you sure you want to go tonight?”

Ben scoffed at the suggestion. There wasn’t really a part of him that fancied showing his face in the pub after what happened last week. In the back of his mind, he knew he had to though. At least there, he’d have an excuse and opportunity to sneak off to meet Buzz Cut. That wouldn’t be possible if it was just the two of them here. “And miss out on seeing Ian dressed up as some Victoria workhouse owner? Perish the thought! You want to go don’t you?”

Callum seemed to hesitate then, and Ben looked at him curiously. He hoped his boyfriend wasn’t having doubts or second thoughts. “It’s all planned out, ain’t it?” he said, giving Ben a kiss on the forehead. “No backing out now. God, you stink.”

Ben widened his eyes at the comment, pulling back in mock horror. “Well, now I know the real reason you ain’t chucking me! No one else would put up with the insults you send my way!” he said pulling himself off the sofa. He gripped Callum’s hand tightly, hauling him up too. “Right then, I suppose I better get in the shower. Just for your lip, you can join me and scrub my back!”

“I won’t lie, mate. This syrup’s giving me some jip,” Mick said, putting the drinks on the bar with one hand while his other hand clawed and itched at the long brown wig on his head. The Vic was packed out tonight, with Linda beaming around the tables, relishing the role of hostess.

Ben nodded and smiled as the landlord knocked off one of the flowers that was attached, shaking his head when it fell into his sunglasses. “The sixties must have been a hard time for everyone,” Ben consoled. “Sexism, homophobia, racism, and the problems of having hair down to your waist.”

“Peace and love, peace and love,” Mick said, leaving them alone to go serve down the other side of the bar.

Ben turned to Callum who had started to sip at his drink. He leaned into him and wrapped his arms around his waist. “The very best things were made in the nineties,” he said, smirking up. He just felt like clinging on to his boyfriend now, after the days apart.

“Oh we kissed and made up have we?” Jay’s voice said behind them. “Thank Christ, for that. I was going to get the fumigators in if you were still on that sofa after the holiday.”

Ben turned to see his friends making their way towards the bar. Lola was very barely managing to avoid knocking drinks flying with the huge poodle skirt she was wearing, as Jay was dressed all in black, with a cardigan and his hair quiffed back. “Look at you two! You look just like Sandy from Grease!” he exclaimed. “And you don’t look bad either, Lo!

“Yeah bloody, hilarious that!” Jay remarked, signalling to Tracey that they were ready to order. He looked Ben and Callum up and down with a sneer. “What year you come as? 2020? You both look like you normally do! I see you wear that bomber jacket most days, Callum!”

Ben rolled his eyes. “It’s the nineties! You could be anyone you wanted to be,” he said looking towards his boyfriend, as Callum smirked back. “Never go out of fashion, us two!”

“Well, your look of choice last week was almost an orange jumpsuit, so I wouldn’t get too excited,” Jay remarked, before nodding towards Callum. “He had to practically beg Ritchie to go defend you on Christmas Day. She was just on her way to the Cotswolds or somewhere. You’d be singing Auld Lang Syne behind bars with Stabby Steve tonight if she ain’t agreed to delay her holiday.”

“I could have defended myself! I could have been a good lawyer!” he grinned back, holding Callum closer.

“You’d be your only client though wouldn’t you?” Lola said with a laugh. “You wouldn’t have time to defend anyone else!”

“Give a whole new meaning to getting yourself off, wouldn’t it?” Ben replied, sipping at his drink, before pulling a face.

“Is that lemonade?” Jay asked curiously. “What’s the matter, your liver finally moved out in protest?”

“I just thought we wouldn’t have a drink till later,” Callum answered with a shrug. “We’re just going to pace ourselves, aren’t we?”

Ben nodded with a sigh. Frankly he could really do with a drink to calm his nerves, but he promised Callum. He just hoped this meeting later meant he was able to come back and have a drink rather than scrape his face off the garage floor.

When Jay and Lola had moved over to chat to some of the other guests, Callum had popped to the gents, giving him a quick peck before he left. Ben wasn’t left on his own for long as Billy staggered over to him.

“Alright, Bill?” Ben asked, looking his family member up and down curiously. “What decade you from exactly?”

Billy clapped his arms down in frustration and rolled his eyes. It clearly wasn’t the first time that evening he’d been asked to explain his costume. “I didn’t know it was a decades evening, did I?” he exclaimed, adjusting the horns slightly on his devil outfit. “All Linda said was I had to dress up like the naughties! I thought we was all being villains and that! I mean who’s naughtier than Satan?”

“Well, Lucifer was an angel at the start, Bill,” Ben said. “Flapping around, all goodness and light. Looks can be a bit deceiving though can’t they? Don’t take much for a halo to slip down and become a bondage collar does it?”

Leaving to go order at the bar, Billy gave a grimace. Ben spotted Callum chatting with Jay in the corner. Glancing at his watch, it was still half an hour before he had to meet Buzz Cut. The suspense was making him jittery though. He just wanted to get it over with and see what he was being summoned to do.

It had crossed Ben’s mind that he would turn up and Buzz Cut would just kill him. That was sobering, but so extreme it almost didn’t register. He had dismissed it though. If he had wanted to kill him, he would have done it at any point, he wouldn’t have sent an embossed invitation with where and when. The fact that he didn’t know what he was walking into made him more nervous than anything.

Downing the last of his lemonade, and then scowling at the glass when he remembered there was no alcohol in it, he gave a final glance at Callum chatting happily before turning away. It wouldn’t do him any good to look back.

“Lo,” he said, grabbing on to her when her skirt flicked around and knocked three packets of crisps onto the floor. “I’m just going to go check on Lexi, yeah, and then move my bits from Jay’s back to the flat.”

“What bits? Your three day old pizza that’s stuck to the coffee table? You didn’t exactly pack to purpose when you moved in for a week,” she answered, trying to puff up her petticoat even more. “And Lexi’s fine with your mum, ain’t she?”

“I won’t be long, only an hour,” he replied without answering her questions. “If Callum asks, just tell him to stay here and enjoy himself. Cause if both of us go, Lex will get too excited and Mum won’t be able to get her off to sleep, will she?”

Lola nodded slowly, looking at him sceptically. That was all Ben needed for confirmation, taking off through the crowd and disappearing through the door.

As he approached the Arches, his footsteps seemed to echo loudly on the streets. In the distance, he could hear laughing and screams of revellers out, on their way to parties and clubs. Getting here early meant he could prepare himself, focus his mind for when Buzz Cut arrived. Reaching into his pocket, he pulled out his keys to open up the garage.

“Shit!” he cursed, when he realised it wasn’t his keys he was holding. The one day he had to pick up the wrong set, it had to be this one. Now he would have to wait outside his own business, like a child locked out the house. It wasn’t the dominant impression he wanted to give.

When he got closer to the door, he realised it was slightly open. It had been unlocked. Ben knew that he’d tried to get the upper hand and arrive early, but this time he was one step behind. It didn’t bode well.

“Look at Cinderella, arriving early for the ball,” Buzz Cut smirked as soon as Ben entered the garage. “Worried you won’t catch the last pumpkin home before you turn back into a little mouse?”

Ben walked closer, trying not to flinch when Buzz Cut suddenly moved and motioned to lock the door behind him. “You know, you didn’t have to be so cryptic in your message,” he said, trying to keep his tone level. His fist was clenched by his side, his nail roughly scratching his palm to centre himself. “If you wanted someone to kiss at midnight, you could have just asked.”

“We’re here for business, Ben, not pleasure,” Buzz Cut said, as he walked back towards him. Ben felt like his feet were carrying him backwards, and he now felt trapped into a corner and unable to see the door. His mind flew back to a conversation of broken memories and shattered souls. He always needed to see the door. He had nowhere to run. “Seeing as you mislaid the little package I sent you, I think you need to make it up to me, don’t you?”

“I don’t owe you anything!” he exclaimed, gritting his teeth. “You got me nicked before I could sell on the gear! What was I supposed to do? Shove it in the sugar pot and hope the law don’t notice when they search my flat? I had to get rid of it.”

“You think that was me?” he laughed, though there was no humour in it. “You think I want that much attention drawn to our business? No, whatever low rent contact you scrounged from the gutter, he did you up like a kipper. That’s alright though. You do one little thing for us; no selling, no gear, no moron contacts, and we’ll call it even. In fact, I’ll even throw in a bit of a sweetener.”

Buzz Cut pulled out a package and handed it to Ben. Hesitantly, he opened it, finding stacks of fifty pound notes inside. “There’s got to be two hundred grand here,” he replied, the sound of the crowds outside making their way to their celebrations seeming to echo in the empty garage. They felt so near, the footsteps and the clicks and taps of the revellers. “You’re just going to give this to me, forgive the debt and leave me and Callum alone if I do one little job for you? What is it?”

“There’s a copper that’s sticking their nose into my business, into the Maguires’ business,” he said, leaning back slightly. Ben took the opportunity to turn slightly so he was now facing the door. Buzz Cut was still looming over him, so he couldn’t see it, but at least he knew it was there. “The same one always on all the paperwork and search warrants; probably some desk job that’s trying to turn himself into Morse before he gets retired off. Trouble is, it’s making our business a bit tricky. He needs shot of. Detective Swift, their name is. All the details are in with the cash.”

Ben laughed at the absurdity of the request. “You want me to take down a copper? Do you know what would happen if I get caught? They’d throw away the key!” he exclaimed, lacing the envelope down on the table. It felt wrong even just holding it. “No way. I ain’t doing it.”

“Alright, let me put this another way,” Buzz Cut said, stepping closer and reaching into his own waistband. “You can do this one little job. You and the boyfriend can buy yourself some nice little house, go on a bit of a holiday and I’ll be able to get on with my business without the plod sticking their beaky noses in. Everyone’s a winner. Or you refuse, I text Callum from your phone to come over here and then blow his pretty little face off before he can even blink. Which one will it be Ben?”

Ben didn’t have to look down, to know that Buzz Cut was holding a gun, that much he wasn’t exaggerating over. “You wouldn’t do it,” Ben replied. “You wouldn’t get away with it. You gonna shoot me as well?”

Buzz Cut laughed again, and Ben hated the sound of it as it vibrated through his body, hitting the bile that was screaming to pulse through his throat. “I ain’t gonna shoot you!” he exclaimed. “Where’s the fun in that? It’ll be much more enjoyable to see you sent down for killing your boyfriend. A little birdie told me you been fighting this week, lovers tiff and all that. Won’t look good will it? Quarrelling lovers, texting him from your phone to meet where his body’s found, you with no alibi and your fingerprints found on a gun that I stash near here. Mate, even after setting you up, I’d believe you did it with that evidence.”

“You wouldn’t get away with it,” Ben replied, practically feeling Buzz Cut’s breath on his face. It’s all he could hear now, the outside sounds seemingly fading away.

“It wouldn’t be the first time you’ve killed someone you cared about would it, Ben?” he replied. “With your record, the jury ain’t got to think twice. And them lot around here; your daughter, your mum, all those sad pathetic little friends. They’ll all be convinced you did it. So what’s it to be Ben?”

As he opened his mouth to answer, Buzz Cut’s face seemed to go blank, his eyes fluttered and fell heavy, and his mouth sagged. It wasn’t until the man’s body hit the floor, that Ben realised something had happened. His adrenaline and breath was pulsing in his body so loudly, he felt like he was swimming in a dream, not quite able to focus on this world. It wasn’t until a pair of hands harshly grabbed his arms and shook him, that he was able to register his surroundings, his focus moving to Buzz Cut slumped on the floor.

“Ben! Are you alright?” the voice asked with urgency. “Come on! We’ve got to be quick! We don’t have much time left!”

After his gaze followed the trail of blood coming from Buzz Cut’s head, Ben moved his head up slowly and focused instead on Callum’s determined blue eyes in front of him.


	15. Two Sides To Every Story

“Ben? Are you okay? We’ve got to be quick, Come on!”

It was perhaps the heightened adrenaline from the situation and the threats he had just received, or maybe it was the surprise of seeing Callum in front of him, but Ben just couldn’t seem to take everything in; his mind was clustered and frantic. His eyes just kept darting from his boyfriend in front of him to the man slumped on the floor, feeling like something had been cut out somewhere, like when you dozed off in a film, waking to find you’ve missed some of the action and nothing makes sense.

Ben pushed himself off the side, trying to stand up, his legs feeling wobbly as his muscles seemed to freeze. Buzz Cut was still not moving on the floor, the viscous blood trickle from the side of his head not flowing any further, but the significant puddle was enough to suggest that it wasn’t just a graze. You don’t get that much blood from hitting your head on the floor, he thought, as his brain started to wind up again, the pieces flicking to and fro to try and connect the timeline.

One aspect which certainly helped paint the picture was the large, gleaming silver wrench in his boyfriend’s hand. That wasn’t something he had noticed before, but he couldn’t help but let his focus slide to it now. Callum was gripping it tightly in his fist, his hand slightly shaking and for the first time since he came in, Ben saw how scared he was. There was a determination in his face, but it was masked by fear, and more than a tinge of guilt.

Without even knowing why, his heartbeat pounding in his head, Ben walked the few steps over to Callum and knocked the wrench out of his hand. It hit the floor with a shattering clunk, the ricochets faded off one by one, screeching and collapsing with the pitch of the metal as it tenaciously kept rocking on the ground. Callum looked down at it, as if it had suddenly just appeared on the floor and he hadn’t seen it before in his life. He raised his hand, still poised in a grip, and Ben could tell it was only just sinking in what he had done.

“You were early,” Callum muttered to himself, the first words since those he spoke to Ben when he entered the garage. “You weren’t supposed to come meet him till nine.”

Callum nodded down to Buzz Cut in clarification, still motionless, as if there were someone else he could be talking about. “I just wanted to get it over with,” Ben explained, not sure if that made any sense, before turning his head sharply. “How did you know I was meeting him at nine?”

“It don’t matter,” Callum replied dismissively, as he bent down closer to Buzz Cut, his breath escaping his mouth with a tremble. “We’ve got other more important things to worry about now than your covert calendar commitments.”

Ben frowned at the comment, more and more questions firing into his head, about this situation that both he and Callum were now in. There was a pressing one, though, that needed urgent attention. “Is he dead?” he asked, having to spit the words out, knowing the ramifications of either response.

Callum shrugged, his shoulders tense and face fraught. “I don’t know, how am I supposed to tell?” he replied, the anxious tone clear in his voice at the mere suggestion that he could be responsible for a kill.

“You work in a funeral parlour!” Ben exclaimed, lowering his body to try and meet Callum’s gaze. “I should hope that you’d recognise a dead body when you see one. I’m starting to think that Big Nigel’s conspiracy theories of burying people alive are bang on the money!”

“They don’t fast track delivery to us, Ben!” Callum shouted back, falling back in the ground and resting his arms on his legs. “They ain’t fresh when they get to us! I can’t exactly take his pulse and get my fingerprints all over him.”

Ben held his hands up in submission, knowing it was partly his fault for his comments. “Keep your voice down!” he hissed. “Unless you want half the square walking in on this. Right, well we can’t just leave him there until he starts to go blue and wonder if he’s gonna zombie up.”

Callum glared at him for his tone, but frankly Ben had far too many questions to take all the guilt at the moment. His boyfriend stood up suddenly, eyes wide, before pulling his mobile out and scrolling through to find a number. “Who are you calling?” Ben asked, worried that he was going to get an ambulance around while they were standing over a possible dead body complete with murder weapon. He went closer and tried to grab the phone.

Callum waved him away and shushed him. “Hello? You alright?” he said into the speaker, his tone light, and Ben almost rolled his eyes. At least it clearly wasn’t the police, but he wasn’t sure that now was the best time for a casual chat. “Yeah I know, but you remember you said if we ever needed anything? Well, I need a big favour now.”

Something clicked in Ben’s mind, a memory from months before and he knew exactly who his boyfriend was calling, as he told them their location. “You sure you want to bring someone else into this?” he asked, leaning on the desk with one hand when Callum hung up the phone, before starting to type out a message.

“Don’t really have much choice do we?” Callum responded, pointing to Buzz Cut like Ben had forgotten about him, and looking accusingly back. “Someone went away from the plan and now we’ve got to try and do everything on fly, ain’t we?”

“What plan?” Ben asked, throwing his hands up in the air. “Callum, you’ve wandered in here and just booted your army mate over the head with one of Keanu’s old tools, and you’re acting like this ain’t a big shock.”

“He ain’t my mate!” Callum barked back, and though he didn’t seem surprised by the situation, Ben could hear the wobble in his voice and the stress in the muscles of his face. “I told you, didn’t I? I didn’t have any friends in the army apart from Chris. I had people I worked with, got on alright with, but they weren’t my friends!”

“Why the fuck did we have two of them over for lasagne and garlic bread then?” he replied back, knowing his voice was raising in volume too. “When the hell have we ever thrown a dinner party before, Callum? I thought I was doing it for you! Who is he to you?”

“You remember I said there was a guy that recruited us from the army to work for people like the Maguires?” Callum said, looking down with disdain at the man. “That were him. He pulled in guys like me, who didn’t have no one else, soldiers that were suffering and in pain. Then he tortured them in different ways. I weren’t in a good place.”

“Well he ain’t exactly in the best place now,” Ben replied, though he didn’t pity the man one bit. “Did you want him dead?” he asked simply, though the question was anything but easy to hear or say.

Callum nodded a little, before almost regretting the thought. He ran his fingers through his hair, letting out a couple of deep breaths. “That don’t mean that it should actually happen though,” he replied with conviction. He glanced closer at the man, a little relief flying into his face. “Look, his chest is moving. You can see he’s breathing at least.”

“Do you still wish he was dead?” Ben asked. He didn’t share the same sense of comfort that the man on the floor could still get up and walk around and would still be able to torture them.

“There was this guy, one of the ones he recruited, got in a bit too deep. Couldn’t find a way out,” Callum said. He cleared his throat, and the meaning behind the words meant he didn’t need to go on any further. “He was messed up from the army, probably even before then too, but James kept pushing and pushing once he was in. There’s better guys than this scumbag that have ended up dead.”

Ben looked towards the gun on the floor that had scuttled out of Buzz Cut’s grip when he collapsed. He nudged it with his foot. “Do you want me to do it?” he said quietly, as though he was just checking who should lock the door at night.

Callum went wide eyed and looked at Ben. There was a pause, maybe even just for a second where he could have been considering it, before it fluttered off. “No!”

“Why not? For what he put us through, for what he did to all those army guys and to Jet,” Ben replied, his anger building, based on all those months of torment. “For what he’s done to you Callum, I’ll do it.”

Callum walked over and stood between Ben and the gun, acting as a shield, a warning just in case Ben didn’t heed his words. “No. I’m not going to let you do it,” he replied forcefully. “That’s not you, and he’s messed up enough good men, he ain’t having a crack at you and all.”

“I hate to alarm you but I ain’t that good!” he said with a crack of laughter. It was hollow though, not matching the tone of his words. “And I’m certainly more than messed up already.”

“Yeah, well, what does that make me then?” Callum said looking down towards the wrench as a reminder. “You’ve had pain, Ben. And that’s made you do some questionable things and you’ve made shitty choices. But that ain’t you. Besides, you could have had a crack at him earlier before I came in.”

“I didn’t have my revolver in its usual holster!” he snarked back. It wasn’t the first time he had been on the end of Buzz Cut’s threats, and he hadn’t exactly come out of those unscathed. “The guy’s got a foot on me. What did you expect me to do, bite at his ankles?”

Callum rolled his eyes and then put his hand into Ben’s jacket, ignoring the raise of an eyebrow. He pulled out the metal jangling ring and waved it contrarily in front of Ben’s face. “The Swiss Army knife has a blade in it, don’t it!” he responded, as if Ben had been given clear instructions. “Why do you think I give it you? In case he come along and I weren’t there!”

“You didn’t give it me, I gave it to you for Christmas!” Ben remarked. This night had done a number on his head, but he knew he couldn’t have imagined everything in his life. “These are your keys. I know I always pick them up by mistake, but it was only luck I did it tonight. Is that how you got in here? You had my keys?”

Callum nodded, and then closed his eyes for a moment. “It weren’t luck. And it weren’t you taking my keys, I’ve been taking yours and you just pick the only ones left on the counter. I’ve needed to get into the Arches. So if you had my keys most the time then I needed you to have a weapon, just in case things turned nasty. That’s why I hinted about the Swiss Army knife.”

“I knew you didn’t want one!” Ben said, slapping his hand on the desk. “I knew it! Jay convinced me to get it for you.”

“I was an actual soldier. I had one when for years when I was in the cadets!” Callum replied. “I hoped you’d take the hint, if not I knew Jay would get it if I mentioned it when he was around. “

“You were actually expecting me to fight a guy that had a gun with something that doubles as can opener?” Ben asked with incredulity. “Really?”

“What was I supposed do?” Callum replied, shrugging at the plan. “Buy you a jewel encrusted dagger for Christmas? You don’t think it would look a bit shifty if I asked you to strap a six inch knife to your ankle?”

“I think I would have preferred you told me the truth rather than expecting me to slowly burn him using sunlight and the magnifying glass!”

“You wouldn’t have had to use anything if you stuck to the plan!” Callum reminded him loudly. “You weren’t supposed to come meet him till nine and you snuck off early!”

“What plan, Callum?” Ben asked, cocking his head and narrowing his eyes. “Are you going to explain to me what’s going on?”

Callum looked at his watch, conveniently deciding that he didn’t have the time to answer. “Not now,” he replied. “We’re going to have to change everything as soon as we get him sorted.”

“You’re keeping secrets,” Ben said accusingly. The last few minutes of his life had turned everything around. There were things that grounded and centred him that were now crushed and crumpled.

“No more than you did,” Callum muttered back, contempt clear in his voice. “I’ll tell you everything later, I swear.”

There was a slight tap on the door, and Ben kicked the gun and the wrench behind him as it swung open. Ash stepped in reluctantly, looking around her like she was walking into a trap. “You’re not going to ask me to try and bring a car back to life this time, are you?” she asked, looking in between Ben and Callum. “Or another animal. Doesn’t quite fit my job description.”

“Nah, we got something right up your street this time, darlin,” Ben commented sarcastically, dodging Callum’s elbow. He nodded towards Buzz Cut on the floor. “We need your professional opinion. Is he due for pushing up daisies?”

Ash looked wide eyed at them and then down at the ground. She started to raise her hands and step backwards towards the door. Callum huffed at Ben’s attitude, and then moved slowly towards the shocked doctor. “Look, it ain’t what it seems!” he tried to reassure. “You were really kind to us with our dog, and we ain’t got no one else to go to.”

“He’s injured!” she insisted, her face stunned at the situation. “I think an ambulance is usually customary!”

“All we need you to do is check he’s okay for travel and he isn’t about to snuff it,” Callum said. Ben could tell he was trying to act natural, fearless, like he really believed everything was as mundane as he was making out. “Ash, we aren’t the bad guys here. The police know about this, I swear.”

Ben looked at Callum curiously. He didn’t seem to be lying, but nowadays he didn’t seem to know if he could read his boyfriend or not.

There was a moment when he wasn’t sure if the doctor was going to stay, her face almost unreadable in the dim light. After a moment though, her shoulders’ relaxed and she sighed deeply, stepping closer to Buzz Cut. “What happened to him?” she asked, raising her eyebrows at Ben accusingly.

“He fell and hit his head,” Ben replied expressionless, disapproval peeking though his emotionless tone. He was fine to take the heat, fine for her to believe that this was all him. In a way it was, but he wasn’t in this by himself. “Well more like hit his head and then fell. Minor detail.”

She knelt down and started to examine Buzz Cut, being careful to avoid the blood. “Is he alive?” Callum asked after just a moment of shuffling jitterily. “He’s alive, right?”

Ash nodded, before sitting back slightly. “He needs to go to hospital,” she said, her tone insistent, letting them know the seriousness of the situation. “His pulse is steady, but that could change, and there could be internal bleeding.”

“He’s going to hospital,” Callum replied. Ben tried to decide whether he was lying and his heart cracked a little more when he realised he didn’t know. “Trust me, Ash. I don’t want him dying, but we can’t call an ambulance. We just wanted to make sure he can be moved.”

“Well I wouldn’t advise it without proper medical care,” she said, frowning up at Callum. It seemed her perception of him was changing too. “You understand that? I’m not giving my blessing that this is a good idea?”

“You were never here,” Ben said, opening the door up to signal she wasn’t needed any more. “Is he going to out for long?

“It’s hard to say,” she replied. Ash paused, looking between them both. It was clear that even though she didn’t know the exact situation, she wasn’t naïve to the intent. “I’d get him wherever you need him to be quick if I were you.”

“Thanks, Ash,” Callum called out as the doctor disappeared through the door and back to her celebrations. It seemed that everyone was always allowed to be happy. Everyone except them.

“Well, at least we’ve got the official play that he ain’t permanently sparko,” Ben said, though it was hardly a win. “That’s one thing I suppose. It don’t seem like she’ll say anything. Do you think she kept her fingers crossed when she took the Hippocratic oath?”

Callum was tapping furiously away at his phone, and ignored the comment. Ben could tell that he was getting further on edge. “We really need to get going,” he explained, crossing over to the other side of the garage, and giving Ben a comforting stroke to the arm. “It’s going to take me a few minutes to get him in the car.”

“We taking him to hospital?” Ben asked curiously, hoping that wasn’t the case. Unless they threw him out of the car into the A&E entrance and cleared off, he wasn’t sure how that was going to work. “What’s going on?”

Callum was carefully wrapping the wrench in one of the old grease cloths that littered around the Arches. “Apart from you lying to me for god know how many months?” he bit back suddenly, the tension and question clearly getting to him. The tone seemed to echo back in his head though, and he seemed to mellow a little. “Look, we ain’t got time now. You need to go over to the car lot and get that brown Vauxhall that we used to take Lex out the other week.”

“For what?” Ben asked. “Where’s he going?”

“I’m gonna put him in his car,” Callum said. “It’s just round the corner, I’ll drive it up, chuck him in the passenger seat, and then we’ll meet you out on the Square. Don’t follow too close yeah? I’m gonna park on the south end of Lewington Street. Wait on the corner of Carton Road, alright?”

Callum took the second piece of old cloth and started to carefully wrap the gun up, before Ben had the time to answer. He scrabbled to the door and brought back a plastic bag weighed down with something heavy, but he threw the gun in and closed it up before Ben could sneak a look inside. He stood up and walked over, handing him the cloth covered wrench. “I’m gonna go get the car,” Callum said, his eyes fluttering nervously as his chin wobbled with the slightest regret. “Take this and put it into the Vauxhall’s boot, yeah?”

As he started to walk out the door, Ben was suddenly hit by how sorrowful the whole situation was, and how it felt like they were coming to an end of a story. Disposing of everything, now the monster had attacked. They never did that in the fairy tales he told Lexi. The heroes killed the villain or the monster, and then it cut to them celebrating, happy and joyful in the light. It never showed the repercussions of that darkness. It never showed the heroes having to look what they did in the eye and deal with the consequences. Perhaps he and Callum weren’t the heroes in this story after all.

“I love you,” Ben called out, meekly and desperately. He didn’t know if Callum heard or not. There was perhaps a slight pause as he made his way through the door; a little hesitancy to his stride, but he didn’t stop. He didn’t turn and smile, or say the same back to Ben like he usually did.

The last year had been difficult, it had been stressful and the thrill of the highs didn’t cancel out the pitying regrets of the lows. That had been true of every year of his life, if he was to look back and really examine the events. All the decisions he had made, every day he had been alive, seemed the right thing, seemed the most obvious, seemed the best. Hindsight always made them look pathetic, doing what he thought was the right choice rather than what he wanted and what his heart told him to do. Year after year. Mistake after mistake.

Except this past year, almost two now since he met Callum. He was the one aspect to his life that just seemed right, that he hadn’t completely messed up. It was the one person he could just switch off everything else around and feel free. It was exhausting trying to keep everything going in his life, spinning all those plates to keep up appearances. And they still all crashed to the ground despite his best effort. It wasn’t like that with Callum. When Ben was around him, there was peace.

That hadn’t been real though. All the lies, all the secrets, all the sneaking around hadn’t been healthy for either of them, especially Callum. It all slotted into place, how pressurised Callum had been these last few months. He’d been worse than before, and Ben did that. Being in this relationship did that. Knowing and dealing with what his boyfriend had suffered with in recent months, he wasn’t surprised Callum wasn’t exactly throwing his arms around him.

He wished there were some way to make both their lives better, to get past this and for him to show Callum they could have something more than sneaking around that crappy little flat day after day, like nothing would ever change. Having an idea, Ben walked back to the desk and opened a drawer. He grabbed out an old wrinkled plastic bag and threw in the wrench before chucking the package on top.

As he made his way out the door, he stopped to look at Buzz Cut. There was a moment again, that he just paused, the two forked path set out in front of him. He looked on with relish at the road where he could just take him out, a million different ways and thoughts running through his head. It would be so easy, so instantaneous. This wasn’t someone who would be missed. He didn’t know what Callum had planned, but he knew it would only be an iota of what the man in front of him deserved. He wanted to make him pay for every tear, every nightmare, every sad thought and every bad feeling Callum ever had.

He stopped though. He stopped himself from going through with it because as much as he was willing to take the risk, he wouldn’t put that on Callum. Buzz Cut wasn’t worth the spit he could hoik his way now. Ben took one last look and left the Arches.

When he was in the portacabin, he scrambled around for the keys to the Vauxhall, cursing Jay’s name under his breath when he discovered he’d moved them. It was a piece of junk really; something that they’d never sell, but it worked and they both found themselves using it as a little run around.

The keys dropped to the floor and he swore again, realising his hand was shaking. His legs buckled underneath him and he just sat for a moment in the darkened space, strokes of light stalking through the blinds. Everything had turned upside down on him. It didn’t make sense why he was in complete bits and his kind, sweet boyfriend was hauling a body into a car with coolness and calm. Callum, who everyone said wouldn’t say boo to a goose, except that time he shot one of his best friends. Callum, who wouldn’t hurt a fly, yet stole a two hundred grand ring. Callum, who had a heart of gold, but had been keeping secrets for months. Callum, who everyone said was harmless, had just practically cracked someone’s skull open.

There was one thing for certain, Ben needed answers. He picked himself up off the floor, and headed out to the old, second hand car. There wasn’t anyone out that he recognised, and he hoped no one that could identify him. He revved the engine up, preying it wouldn’t break down tonight. He slid out of the car lot before pulling around and into the Square, just as a car he didn’t recognise pulled out in front of him. Ben knew the silhouette behind the steering wheel though, and he creeped behind Callum as he drove out into the night.

It wasn’t a long journey, and Ben parked the car in the place he was told to, leaning forward to rest his arms in the steering wheel as he watched Callum get out and rest his body on the door. He couldn’t see Buzz Cut, but he must have been on the back seat. Ben thought about how he could have woken up when Callum was driving, could have attacked him and done anything. As he watched his boyfriend, he could see that fear in his body, knew that hunched posture and could tell every breath he took even from here.

There was a shot of guilt that hit Ben; he knew what Callum was capable of being and doing, he just had shut that off. It had just worked to serve everything better if he just kept him out of it. He had tried so hard to separate them and that part of his life, but somehow it had just bled in. The sequence of events going back to even before they met and seemed to be doomed to crash.

A few minutes later, another car pulled up, a man stepped out and immediately strolled up to Callum. Ben straightened up defensively, his alertness returning almost immediately as he squinted to try and get a better view. As the man flittered into the light, Ben swore he recognised him. He knew that face. It took him a few seconds but he identified him as the army mate of Callum’s that had come round to dinner. The one that arrived with Buzz Cut.

Ben’s hand’s flustered around as it hurriedly reached to unclick the belt, aiming to pounce out the door and get to his boyfriend straight away. Just as he was about to fly out, he saw Callum raise his hand in the direction of the Vauxhall, holding up a gloved index finger. He knew that Ben would be worried, and it was his way of saying to wait.

Alex didn’t seem to be in a good mood, waving his hand in frustration and talking quickly. Callum pointed to the car, holding his hands up and explaining something to the other man. Whatever he said to Alex, it seemed calm him down and he reached into his pocket and pulled out some gloves before he hooked them onto his hands.

There was still a lump in Ben’s throat and he couldn’t take his eyes away from the scene in front of him. It didn’t feel natural to just sit back and let Callum deal with this, but he supposed it wasn’t the first time. He just knew about it now. Ben watched as Callum opened the back door of the car and Alex dragged Buzz Cut out, before they both manoeuvred him into the driver’s door.

Ben couldn’t see what they were doing but he briefly recognised the bag Callum had put the gun in being pulled out. He impatiently tapped his hand on the steering wheel, his eyes now darting around the street to check there wasn’t anyone hanging out of a window filming his boyfriend staging a crime scene. Luckily, there weren’t any residential properties around these streets, just a half empty industrial estate fenced off by the railway tracks.

Watching as Callum said a few final words to Alex, Ben noticed that he took his gloves off and put them in his pocket. He started to walk towards the Vauxhall, looking down as he strolled. He didn’t look back at the scene, perhaps because he didn’t need to or maybe he just couldn’t bear to glance and have that as a reminder.

The car door clicked open, and Callum got in, pushing in his seatbelt. “Just drive,” he said, his voice emotionless as he stared ahead now, as if viewing his work as a spectator and being horrified at the character who had created it. Ben reversed the car round, before making his way down the street. “You know where we’re going?”

Ben nodded, though he wasn’t sure how he knew. He just did. It wasn’t like he even thought about it or had it to, and that scared him more than anything. The fact that he could read another person so perceptibly, and that other person would know he could. How did that work? How could he just get this about Callum, and miss so much?

There was silence for the first few minutes, the hum of the old engine cutting through the air as Ben was trying to find the best route out of London. Out of the corner of his eye, he saw Callum put his head down. Over the ticking of the car, there were small muffled sounds that he immediately recognised. “Hey, hey,” Ben said, taking one hand off the wheel and placing the other on Callum’s leg. “It’s okay. It’ll be alright.”

Almost like he was waiting for the confirmation and reassurance, Callum put his hand to his face and hiccupping sobs escaped from his throat. It had to bleed through at some point, everything that had happened this evening, and Ben knew there was more to the story than met the eye. For now though, he did the only thing he could; he just gently rubbed Callum’s thigh as he cried.

“Pull over,” his boyfriend ordered after a minute, his voice husky and broken. “Now, Ben!”

As soon as the car swerved and slowed near the kerb, Callum swung open the door and jumped out, retching brutally into the street. Ben shut off the engine, and slid over to the passenger seat, swinging his legs out the car. He stroked down Callum’s back while his stomach emptied itself between sobs.

Finally, Callum’s breathing normalised, and he sat back, leaning his cheek to rest on Bens leg. He looked completely exhausted and broken, but this wasn’t a new sight. Now though, it was like seeing the whole story, seeing the things he had to put himself through and what that outcome looked like. He was torturing himself, had been for a long time.

Ben stroked his fingers through Callum’s hair and over his forehead as his boyfriend clung on to his leg like he was worried he was going to go somewhere. “I love you,” Ben thought he heard, but he wasn’t sure if it was just wishful thinking. It probably was, because Callum didn’t say anything further or look for a reaction. Eventually they both staggered to their feet, and got back in the car. Ben dug around in one of the pockets of the back seat pulling out an unopened bottle of water. It would be tepid and bland, but he sent it Callum’s way to help clear his mouth a little.

When they were back on the road, Ben couldn’t leave it much longer, and by the way Callum kept glancing over he knew that a talk was inevitable. Ben bit the bullet and started him off. “Who’s Alex really then?” Ben asked. “He just seemed like some normal guy when he came to dinner.”

“We were in the army together,” he clarified, playing with the lid of the water bottle. “But we weren’t really close. He left a long time before I did. He contacted me just after I got to Walford; he’d joined the police when he left the army, was undercover on the Maguires. He went through the process with James, got recruited, saw inside the machine as it were. It got to him, how all these soldiers were being taken at their lowest and convinced to do these terrible things to try and chase the rush, all for some low rent gangster’s profit.”

“He wanted you to grass?” Ben asked, trying to piece things together. “Give him information from your time with Mrs Maguire and the heist. But you didn’t do it?”

“Trying to keep my head down, weren’t I?” he replied, taking another sip from the bottle with a wince. “That weren’t what I was raised to do anyway, to snitch. I could hear my dad’s voice in my ear for even considering it. So I just said, no thanks. It weren’t as if I was an innocent party in all that stuff, plus there was Mick to consider.”

“So what happened?” Ben asked, as he hit the motorway, letting the car speed up a little now they were out of London. The white lines hurrying past in the reflection of the headlights as if pulling them ferociously to their destination.

“I didn’t hear anything back,” Callum replied. “I went back to the army for a bit and everything just seemed to fall out of my mind when I got back. I put all that behind me.”

Ben scoffed at that remark. “You never put anything behind you, Callum. It never went away, you just stored it all up. You can’t run from things. It don’t work. He contacted you again then, this Alex?”

“When we moved into the flat,” Callum confirmed. “I posted that picture of us on Facebook. Obviously Alex and been following all of the Maguires business dealings. He’s leading the investigation against them and knew who you were,” Callum said shooting Ben a disappointed look. “He got in touch with me a little while later and told me all about you working with them and paying them back. I can’t believe you didn’t tell me.”

“It started before we got together properly!” Ben replied with gritted teeth. “Besides it weren’t like you’ve been coughing up information. All that crap about not knowing I took the stuff from the heist!”

“I didn’t know for sure!” Callum said. “I certainly didn’t know you used it to buy your mum a gay bar! Neither does Alex, so that’s one thing at least. He don’t know where the money went for the ring either. He ain’t exactly someone you want to mess with.”

“I thought you said he was a copper?” Ben asked curiously, looking into the darkness ahead.

Callum nodded. “He is, and he ain’t a bad bloke really, he just really wants to bring the Maguires and James down,” he said, picking at the bottle label with his finger. “He made it very clear to me what exactly would happen to you if I didn’t help him.”

“So he’s a bent copper?” Ben replied, shaking his head at the mess they had found themselves in. “Did he threaten you, because if he did I’ll go right back there and use that other side of the wrench to show him who he can mess with!”

“He was in the army, Ben, and so was I, you know? I don’t need you to fight my battles for me,” Callum grumbled back firmly.

“Yeah, I forgot, I’m just your getaway driver, ain’t I?” he huffed back, the tension in the air thick, the secrets breaking and separating them before they could ever think about mending. “So you went along with this plan, to get Buzz-, to get James. And I was part of that plan. Thanks for letting me know.”

“If you had told me about it, then I would have told you!” Callum shouted back, his voice sounding both fierce and desperate in the small space of the car. “I thought you were going to spit it all out after Jet and then after Hastings, but no, you just carried on lying to me!”

“You were using me as a patsy to help out a brady cop,” Ben asked, feeling the car speed up a little with his temper. “So what was all of this? You just sticking with me to help bring down a couple of low lifes who made it a bit tricky for your soldier mates. That what our relationship is all about?”

“Now you’re just being stupid,” Callum said, turning away and resting his elbow on the car window. His silent treatment didn’t last for long though, as he turned around, his face clear with intent. “The only reason I got involved was cause you was digging yourself in deeper, selling on all that knocked off gear and dodgy cars for the Maguires! You were all being investigated, Ben! You would have gone down if I ain’t had made a deal with Alex.”

Ben couldn’t believe all the blame was being put on to him with this. That was only a small part of his anger though. He was mainly furious at himself for not figuring anything out. “So that why you always had my keys is it?” he said accusingly. “Sneaking around The Arches and car lot, getting information on me and passing it on to your little mate. I’m surprised you didn’t get someone to follow me around and really put me under the thumb.”

Callum licked his lips and then started playing with his belt. Ben looked at him suspiciously, every moment running through his head like a flick book. When it hit him, he laughed. It was the only thing he could do. “Stuart?” he said, reaching over and knocking Callum’s chin towards him with his thumb when he still didn’t look in Ben’s direction. “You had Stuart follow me?”

“I told him I thought you were cheating on me,” he confessed, a slight hint of guilt in his voice. “I needed to make sure I knew what you were doing and there was someone nearby in case you got in trouble.”

“And Stuart was that person?” Ben spluttered in response “The one person who wouldn’t piss on me if I combusted into flames! That’s who you had follow me?”

“Only until Hastings,” Callum confirmed. “When the crash happened, I knew that things were getting too much and James were turning on me as well.”

“That’s when you decided to invite him round for afternoon tea, was it?”

“Alex knew that he was going to offer you a deal, so me being in hospital gave a good excuse to get in touch. I asked Stuart to post a message on social media saying I was badly hurt and a lot of the old army crew sent messages. Including James. He couldn’t resist,” he replied. “Too fucking up his own arse to realise it was a set up.”

“He underestimated you,” Ben replied. “It’s easily done. What did you know about what he offered?”

“I knew it was something that would get you into serious trouble,” Callum said, twisting the bottle in his hands, the water swishing rhythmically. “I found out what he offered in return. It was my debt, Ben. Not yours. You should have refused. That was the plan. That you wouldn’t take the risk and he’d come offer the same deal to me and you’d be out of it. Alex could then set him up with the drugs and get him sent down for it.”

“You thought I wouldn’t do it?” Ben asked, as his speed of the car dropped with his temper. “You think I wouldn’t risk everything for you? Without fucking hesitation, Callum. Always.”

“I know what you did,” he replied, his voice soft now as he lifted his hand to rub at the back of Ben’s hair. “I know you did it with a risk of going inside. That’s why we had to change the plan. I hoped seeing my mum in prison would put you off trying to sell the drugs. Alex said that if it went through then he didn’t know if he could protect you. There wouldn’t be enough to connect the gear back to James and the Maguires.”

“So you’re telling me it was lucky that I got arrested and I had to get rid of the drugs?” Ben exclaimed. “That lost all your evidence though didn’t it?”

Callum was quiet again, and Ben could have banged his head on the steering wheel, as it all came crashing into sight. “Only it didn’t, did it?” Ben said, turning to Callum accusingly. “Because that’s what was in the bag earlier. You took the drugs from The Arches after I was arrested.”

To his surprise, Callum shook his head. “Before you got arrested,” he confessed quietly. “Christmas morning, I went over there to get them before I went to meet the client at the parlour. Stashed them away for the past week.”

“So you’re telling me that if you hadn’t got the drugs out that morning, the police would have raided The Arches and found them?” Ben said, widening his eyes, remembering the sentence the detective had mentioned. “Well I guess that’s one bit of luck. It don’t make sense why the old bill were there in the first place? It weren’t your fella with the buzz cut. Who else knew?”

“I called them,” Callum admitted, the words rushing out quickly as if he had been forcibly holding them in. “I got you arrested.”

The car did swerve then, as Ben felt punched in the gut with the surprise revelation. Callum called the police to make sure the deal didn’t go ahead and so Buzz Cut would know why Ben didn’t come up with the money. It didn’t help the sense of hurt that he felt. He may play it off, but being carted off to the local police station didn’t bring back warm and fuzzy memories. He knew the risks of the things he did, but the reality of being arrested and the likelihood of being charged and thrown back in a cell festered strongly. “Lexi could have seen,” he replied simply.

“She wouldn’t because I-“

“Took her upstairs, yeah,” he said shaking his head, as he remembered his boyfriend’s actions that day. “It’s all becoming screamingly clear, Callum. You got me arrested, you got rid of the drugs, you got Ritchie, you got my dad to keep quiet and then you got me released before chucking me in the middle of the Vic. Quite a little day you had.”

“I had to seem angry, didn’t I?” he replied, as if it should be automatically clear. “James could have been anywhere watching. It was gonna look a bit suspect if he saw me happily skipping around with you after you’d been nicked for intent to supply!”

Ben looked towards Callum who was now picking at the label on the water bottle furiously. “You ain’t that good an actor,” he surmised. “You can’t sit there and tell me you weren’t a bit mad!”

“You didn’t stick to the plan and then you started having a go at me!” Callum replied. “As far as you were concerned, I’d just watched my boyfriend get arrested for selling drugs, yet you were pissed off with me!”

There was stillness then, and quiet. He couldn’t deny taking everything out on Callum that day, but maybe he had known. Perhaps deep down he knew exactly what had gone on. It was always there in front of him. That puzzle with the one missing piece that he couldn’t quite work out. The rest of it was there though, he had seen it; he had placed it altogether and chose to ignore it to focus on the one part that didn’t click in. That wasn’t to say that Callum hadn’t been mad at him either. Ben knew he wasn’t faultless in this, and he wasn’t the easiest person to be around when he was at his most temperamental.

The quietness in the car carried on as they made their way further south. There weren’t many cars on the road; most people would be having a drink and staying close to home. The was an unnerving peace when driving on such a large space with no one else around. You didn’t get in the day with cars bumper to bumper, the noise blocking out any pin points of thought. This though, the emptiness and vast space, made Ben feel like his world was very small, and right now the only other person was moving further and further away.

“Oh shit,” Ben muttered, looking in the rear-view mirror and cringing at the sight behind him.

Callum looked at him and then out the front windscreen as though he expected Ben to have suddenly ploughed down a hitchhiker. “What?” he asked, his eyebrows furrowed.

“Cop car behind us,” he said, as his breath started to catch in his throat and he tried to keep the car as consistent as possible. “Shit, shit, shit!”

“Well, you ain’t speeding for once so they might not stop you,” Callum muttered, playing with the seat belt. “The weaving in the road like you’re on the dodgems at Clacton ain’t helping though.”

Glaring across the car quickly, Ben couldn’t help but keep eyeing the car behind him. “You might want to put an advert in the Gazette next time you want someone to aid and abet your criminal activity, rather than secretly recruit your boyfriend.”

Before Callum could answer the car lit up, and a sharp whirring entered the area. “Fuck, I told you not to swerve the car!” he exclaimed running his hands through his hair, as the police car grew near, its siren and lights making a clear request. “They’re gonna find the wrench!”

“Callum, would you calm it, please!” Ben replied, pulling the car over, before quickly opening up the glove compartment and rustling thorough. “At least we got a car off the lot that’s kosher.”

“Yeah, we’re going down for attempted murder, but at least our tax disk is in date!” he said with a roll of his eyes, as Ben brought out a picture and a few other items, slamming the glove compartment shut.

“You ain’t going down for anything,” Ben said, as he stuck a picture of Lexi up on the dashboard and flung a flower garland from the Vic’s Hawaiian Night on the side, before hanging some cartoon character air freshener off the mirror. “I’m the one that’s looking at a stretch, you’ll maybe get a slap on the wrist. Take your jacket off.”

Callum did as he was told, looking at his boyfriend curiously as Ben removed his own leather jacket and chucked it on the backseat, and started to roll up the sleeves of his t-shirt even further. “I hit him, Ben, not you. I ain’t gonna let you take responsibility for that, right?” he replied. “What exactly are we doing?”

Ben rested his hand on Callum’s thigh, and started to play with the radio until an appropriate song blared out. He saw the police office start to approach through the mirror. “Trying to look like a normal couple that’s going for a nice bank holiday drive, rather than Walford’s answer to Bonnie and Clyde bombing down the coast to chuck away evidence!” he returned with a scowl, getting ready to roll down his window.

“And you think this is what a normal couple looks like?” Callum asked sceptically, his eyes darting around the car with a grimace at the quick makeover.

“I don’t know, Callum! I just know I ain’t in one!” he hissed back, though trying to keep a fixed smile on his face. “I just hope that PC Plod ain’t exactly enlightened, gets rainbow blinded and backs away.”

There was a knock on the window, and Ben rolled it down, smiling towards the policeman peering in. “Hi Officer,” he said cheerily, rubbing his hand down Callum’s leg. “We weren’t speeding were we? Our favourite tune came on the radio and we just got a bit carried away singing along!”

Ben hoped Callum wasn’t making a disgusted face at the radio, as he turned down the Britney Spears song. “Just a routine check, Sir. I thought I saw you swerve a little on the road,” the man replied, squinting his eyes slightly back and forth between them. “Have you been drinking tonight?”

“No, we decided to start Dry January a little early, try and get back in shape before we hit that gym in the New Year!” he replied. He pointed to the picture of Lexi stuck to the dashboard. “My mum was able to have our daughter at the last minute, so we’ve come for an impromptu trip down to the seaside. It’s where he proposed in the Summer, so where better to see in the New Year!”

The police officer didn’t say much, and Ben couldn’t get a good read on his face. He could be about to send them on their merry way or hurl Ben out the car and taser him on the side of the road. “If you could consent to a quick breathalyser test sir, and step out the car,” he asked, his voice even.

Ben nodded and motioned to open the door as the officer stood back. “You’re talking too much!” Callum warned, rubbing his face into his hand.

Opening the door, and glaring back at Callum, he stepped out. He knew he was too chatty, and saying too much, but this was a make or break moment. If this officer looked in the boot of the car, then it was game over.

Ben blew into the breathalyser as requested, his heartbeat thudding in his throat. He hadn’t been drinking and he knew that, but everything seemed to be going against him recently, so he could end up getting a faulty machine and get dragged off anyway. “You’re free to go,” the officer said, and Ben could have dropped on the floor in relief. “Congratulations.”

“I’m sorry?” Ben replied, one hand on the car door, just wanting to get back on the road.

The policeman pointed to Callum waiting insider the car, clawing nervously at the label on his water bottle. “You said you got engaged?” his eyes narrowing slightly.

“Oh yeah, almost forget myself,” he replied, and he could tell he was skating on thin ice now and his nerves were starting to show. “The things you do for love, eh?”

There was a pause, a beat where Ben was considering just jumping back in the car and bolting down the road as soon as he could. The roads were fairly empty, he could probably get up a good speed until they lost the cop car. The romantic idea fluttered through his mind; just him and Callum living together, no other worries except the risk of jail, if they got caught. In the end though, there would be nowhere to go. There were only so many places you could run to, especially with the baggage haul they were carrying around.

“Happy New Year, Sir,” the officer replied, after the longest moment before walking back to his car. Ben opened the door and jumped in, letting out a huge breath he didn’t know he was holding. Quickly, turning on the engine, he pulled back out on the road, not moving his gaze from the mirror until the cop car disappeared into the distance.

“He didn’t suspect anything then?” Callum asked expectantly.

Ben turned down a street and parked. It was empty, just a distant hum of music from a local house party. “Well I ain’t currently in handcuffs, so I’m gonna assume we got away with it,” he said with a sigh. He felt sweat pooling at his temples, and he rolled down the window again, the air gulping into his throat. “I thought for sure he was going to search the car.”

Callum shrugged. “He might not have noticed anything,” he replied, leaning his head back. “A lot of people keep a toolkit in their boot.”

“Yeah, a phillips head screwdriver and an alan key,” Ben replied, clinging on to the steering wheel, as his fingers turned white. “They don’t have a ruddy great wrench with blood spatter wrapped up in an old bit of grease cloth.”

There was silence in the car for a minute. “And what else?” Callum asked, his tone purposeful, as he turned his body slight towards Ben. “That wrench don’t look bad unless you’ve got a dabber out to get prints and some fancy UV light. What else is in there?”

Ben didn’t say anything. Callum shook his head, the response enough of an answer for him. “Fine, I’ll just look for myself,” he replied, opening up the door, before Ben grabbed his arm to halt his movements. “What’s in there?”

“Money,” Ben replied. “That your army mate offered me to off the copper. Two hundred grand.”

“That was evidence!” Callum shouted, as he pulled harshly at his belt, getting frustrated when it got caught. “We needed everything we could to add to the scene! To make a case against him and the Maguires!”

“I didn’t remember until you’d gone,” Ben replied. “I didn’t, Callum!”

“You didn’t try too hard, did you?” he exclaimed. “You still would have had time to catch me before Alex got to the car.”

“Fine!” Ben said, annoyed that he was taking the blame. “Call Alex up and tell him we have the money!”

Callum looked at him like he was stupid. “We can’t do that can we? They will have collected up all the evidence from the scene. He can’t just wander up and say ‘Oh whoops you must have missed this large amount of cash hidden in the suspects pocket.’”

“What do you suggest then? It’s Maguire’s cash, do you just want us to send it back to him?” Ben asked as Callum shook his head firmly. Whatever happened, both of them knew that he didn’t deserve the money. “What are you going to do with it then, Callum?”

“What am I going to do with it?” he asked. “It ain’t mine.”

“You’ll decide better than I will,” Ben replied, and of that he had no doubt. “Though it’ll be enough to get a fairly decent Lamborghini.”

“Ben!”

“It’s just a suggestion,” he smiled, before a thought hit his head. One made of tangled dreams and sticky tape. “It could also make a pretty good deposit on a house. Our own one, not some tat we rent from Jack.”

“I like our tatty little flat,” Callum said, lifting his head slightly with a smile. He took Ben’s hand, giving it a squeeze. “It’s our home.”

“But imagine if we had our own place that belonged to us, Callum,” he replied. “Wouldn’t that just be the most amazing ridiculous thing you ever heard?”

“Truly ridiculous,” Callum said smiling back, before his face fell a little. They were both thinking it. How brilliant the idea was, how wonderful it sounded, and how it wouldn’t really fix anything.

The pier in Hastings was lit slightly up, glowing seductively into the night but the area around was dimmed, as though it knew where the spotlight for the drama would be held. As they were making it through the town, laughter echoed, music rang out and there was squealing from those making their way down the street, heels clicking along pavements and excited chatter was littered into the air.

“Park a little nearer,” Callum said, as Ben pulled the car over next to the curb. There was the faint hint of the sea waving towards them. “Don’t really want to carry around evidence for three miles.”

Ben switched off the engine. “Any closer and I might as well plough into the water,” Ben replied. “It’s a wrench, Callum. We ain’t trying to smuggle an air rifle up the road.”

They got out the car and Ben could feel the chill in the air. It was becoming familiar to him now, this place. A place where you start to notice the changes from time to time rather than the newness. He walked around to the boot, opened it and grabbed the oiled cloth.

They didn’t talk as they were walking up the pier, and they didn’t need to. There was enough said already. As they reached the end of the pier, Ben sat down with a grunt, hanging his legs over the edge and leaning forward on the bottom bar of the barrier. The silence continued, as Callum came and sat right next to him, not letting any air between their bodies exist. “Poor Dick’s going to be heartbroken that we’re sending in a big tool that can screw Mary,” Ben replied elbowing Callum, and waving the cloth at him. It was a tone to cheerful for the occasion, for the scene that was about to play out.

Callum just shook his head. “Do you always have to ruin the moment,” he asked, as though anything could possibly make this situation better.

“Ruin the moment?” Ben exclaimed. “We’re covering up a crime, not gazing upon the wonders of the world.”

“I could still get caught,” Callum said, taking a deep breath, and perhaps there would be other repercussions, other casualties to this. “If James don’t recover, or even if he does and Alex can’t keep my name out of it.”

“You ain’t gonna get caught, you didn’t do anything,” Ben said, twisting the cloth covered wrench around in his fingers. “If anything comes from this, then I hit him. Do you hear me?”

“Why would you ever think I’d let you take the blame?” Callum said, and there were tears in his voice. “Do you think that little of me?”

Ben shook his head. They were going around in circles, had been for months, one trying the protect the other by digging their own graves, then flailing idly by as the soil was being poured onto their heads before they could scrabble their way out. “You know what I think of you.”

They sat that way for a few moments, the water lapping gently at the foundations of the pier, gleaming black in the darkness of the night. It was almost the dawn of a new year. A time for new starts and fresh beginnings.

But when something started, it meant that something else had ended. You couldn’t have creation without destruction first. Sometimes those things that were broken, just couldn’t be fixed, no matter how hard you tried. Eventually you had to look at the reason behind it. You had to face facts that every time you tried to put it back together, it just fell further apart.

There had been constant lies and secrets between him and Callum this past year. They had both tried to hide things for altruistic reasons mainly. They were trying to protect the person they loved. In doing so though, it just caused them to fracture from the inside, shattering away at their very core while the thin outside shell looked unaffected. It was just a façade. A simple trick of the eye, and one small tap would send shards flying.

That’s why Callum’s next words weren’t a surprise to Ben. “This is the end, ain’t it?” he said, while tears dropped into the sea, disappearing and being eaten up like they didn’t even matter.

There wasn’t one bit of Ben that could look at the man sitting next to him now. He wasn’t able to hold the gaze of his eyes, or rest his hand on his cheek. It would be too tempting, to easy to just tape up another scar and pretend they weren’t collapsing on the inside. He simply nodded his head, knowing that Callum would see it, knowing he would be waiting to see how Ben would respond.

That was it. That was it done. As simple as that, everything they had was gone. Fizzled out like a wisp of smoke that came from a furious burning fire. Ben unwrapped the wrench from the cloth and hurled it into the sea, wincing slightly at the splash that reached up and dragged it in, swallowing it whole and pulling it harshly to the hidden depths.

“I’ll take the car and start moving my stuff out the flat,” Callum said, his voice so wavering, so tempting to just turn to and pull closer. “You can still have Lex in the spare room that way.”

He got up and left. There was no tearful goodbye, or pleading on either part. There was no looking back. There could be no regret. There was no point in picking up one shard of a smashed glass. It will only make you bleed.

Ben sat on the pier for hours after, long after the fireworks spluttered and cracked in the sky as Callum made his way back to the car. He just sat, tracing his finger over the names they carved in there at a more hopeful time. They would be gone one day. Either the pier would burn down, or some council bigwig would decide to put some fancy modern art over the place their names were scratched into the surface. They would be gone.

It seemed a ridiculous notion now. The thought that just because he wrote something down, tried to carve it into existence then it would make it true and nothing would ever go wrong. The wall in the Vic had been painted over, the concrete etching in the park Callum had done would eventually be paved over, and the names in front of him would go too. Nothing was forever just because you hoped it would be. Richard and Mary Goodwin knew that, he thought as he traced their names too. They had left this world separately, because everything has an ending.

Now, it was his and Callum’s turn. Their story had come to a close.


	16. Two Doves

“Do you wanna get out of here?”

There was no hidden meaning in Ben’s words, and the eyes of the man sitting next to him conveyed he understood the proposition. That’s why he was here after all.

It had been a week since New Year’s Eve and Ben was still in Hastings, his own little excruciating limbo. After Callum had left him, he had just continued sitting on the pier all night, watching the night sky and the angry waves until the sun breached the distant horizon, the peach hue reflecting into the water like fire. Like the gates of hell were below him, opening up and ready to collect him.

Eventually, a police officer came along, speaking very calmly and delicately to him at first, clearly worried he was going to hurl himself into the water. He looked at her with disdain, and her tone soon changed when he mentioned that if he rolled off the dock all he’d get was washed up on the stones with a bit of seaweed tangled around his head.

Once she moved him along, he carried on walking along the pier. It was sunny and bright now, an infuriating contrast to his mood. The air was bitter though, and his leather jacket didn’t seem to be doing a great job of stopping the chill eek its way through to his skin.

There wasn’t much open; it was a Bank Holiday after all, but he found a small newsagent that had opened its doors. There was a slight rumble in his belly, but all he left the shop with was a bottle of cheap vodka, hanging heavily in a flimsy carrier, the handles pulling with the strain.

Ben found a bench to sit on, weather worn with a green, mouldy tinge on the bent and broken slats. The tribute plaque was illegible, the engraving having been vandalised and scratched over time. At one point this would have been new, with a clean, oak smell and a gleaming gold dedication plate. It would have been chosen with care. Now, it was in disrepair, clearly no one around left to appreciate it or even notice it was broken.

The burn of the alcohol started to take the cruel freeze out of his limbs, as he draped his arm over the back of the bench, just watching the sea throw its waves towards him, before regretting the action and pulling them back to hold on to them type. It continued its contrary motion, over and over again before retreating back slowly towards the sun. He tried not to think about Callum, about what had happened last night, but the thought trickled back in.

It had been hurtling towards them both for a long time; he hadn’t been unaware. A meteor, flaming with burning hellfire blazing through the sky and threatening to hit. They had both turned their back and looked the other way, pretended that it mattered that they loved each other. That it would be enough to stop the impact. They had both learned some truths yesterday, but the honest fact was none of it had been a surprise.

Callum had been falling apart for months and months now, and Ben didn’t have an answer. In truth, he hadn’t wanted to know, he hadn’t wanted to find out what had set off this plague on his boyfriend’s mind. Because ultimately Ben knew the answer; it was him.

All the sneaking around, the secret phone calls, the swirling and spiralling that had happened through time. Callum was right, he did know Ben; he knew his moods, he knew when he was lying and he knew when he was digging his own grave. Instead of pulling him out though, Callum had thrown himself in and started digging alongside him.

When Ben was already a long way through the bottle, he saw a shadow appear over his feet. Looking up, he didn’t even have to say anything, as the same police officer was glaring down at him. He waved away anything she was about to scold and staggered to his feet. He didn’t even have the energy to argue that it was a free country. It wouldn’t have made a difference.

As he continued along the promenade, he stopped at the Fish and Chip shop, a far-away memory zooming through his head, the vividness hitting him. It could have been yesterday. It wasn’t, it was an acre ago but time was capricious and ordered events in your mind in a way that would bring the most pain.

The door was locked shut, and the lights dimmed over the metal fryers inside. Ben just wanted to smash his way in there, to cling on to a memory even if everything else had slipped away and crashed to the ground.

Turning his back on the shop, he carried along slinking along the road, the bottle of vodka gripped in one hand and the wispy plastic carrier still clenched in the other, ruffling and wriggling as the stinging breeze hit. He stopped outside a familiar building, a bed and breakfast that was now ground zero on the path to his slow descent.

Ben didn’t want to speak, simply slapping the money for the room on the counter top. The manager had other ideas though. “The other one okay?” he asked, cocking his eyebrow as he counted out the notes and change, depositing it in the cash box.

Opening his mouth to whip out words of scorn and ask him what he was talking about, Ben stopped when it suddenly hit him. He was asking about Callum. This wretched piece of scum, actually cared if Callum was alright. The last time they had been here, they’d checked out early because of the car crash. That was the ability Callum had. To turn this greasy, stale faced man, who was looking at Ben like he was something that he had scraped off his shoe, into someone who cared about his existence in this world.

“No,” he answered, as he claimed the key from the desk, adding no more. He recognised there was ambiguity there, as the manager looked back at him wide eyed as he muttered his apologies. It wasn’t a lie though. Wherever Callum was and whatever he was doing, he wouldn’t be alright. That just added to the rip he could feel in his chest.

At first, he had only intended to stay the night, sleep off the booze and then rent a car in the morning, or even get a train once the bank holiday was over. When morning rose again, and the gleam of life beckoned though the curtain, he simply rolled over and pulled the duvet over his head, shivering as the icy waking world slithered in and wrapped and constricted his body. Any desire he had to be productive, to stride back into the Square like nothing happened, to show he was coping, was gone. All he wanted to do was just lay. To just be. And even that he didn’t want very much.

Over the next week, he only left the room to pay for an extra night, or go out to get some food and some fresh clothing. Even that had felt too much, the frosty wind feeling like it was berating him, the sun beams trying to burn their tepid scorn into his narrowed eyes. Everyone around him seemed the same to him, blinking his way, as though they were offering critiques with their eyes as they strolled snootily with their partners, hand in hand.

There were a few texts from Lola, a few messages from Jay and his mum, and he answered them succinctly and only when necessary. He didn’t want to talk to anyone. Only one person, and that would take the two of them to happen. That scenario was without even a shred of hope; a tiny spark of golden thread hidden in a tonne of muddy, rancid hay.

Finally, that evening he’d made a snap decision. He slumped out of bed, pulling some new clothes out of a bag, before showering and trying to make himself look presentable. There were dark circles under his eyes, betraying the fact he hadn’t left his bed for hours at a time. Sleep was fleeting and cruel though, the silence festering and fogging his mind every time he closed his eyes. The whispers started, the monsters rose and the demons built their army.

Even though in many ways it was the last thing he wanted to do, he headed out and found a bar, scrolling through his phone as he went. It was a weeknight in January, everyone was penniless and back at work, so the place was empty apart from a few people lingering in corners. It wasn’t his plan to be here for long, so he gave them no mind. He wasn’t here to mingle with the hopeless locals, lonely in their desperation to numb their own pain. He had his own to deal with and his own way of blocking out the continual ache.

As he sat on the stool, nursing his whiskey, he didn’t feel any different so far. Forcing himself outside, into the construction of the real world hadn’t pushed him out of the dark. It made no difference. He was lost; a soul stuck between seasons.

When the man sat down next to him, he just glanced a quick look over. Ben held his phone towards the man giving it a tap, asking a silent question. He nodded in confirmation, not that he needed to. This place was a vacant and empty dump; why else would he be here apart from meeting Ben?

A new start. That’s what he needed. He could sit in that crummy Bed and Breakfast until the end of eternity, going over and over everything that went wrong with his relationship. All the secrets, all the lies that led to all that pain that tore him and Callum apart. There was no point in trying to replay an ending over and over again, and expect a different outcome. Eventually you just have to accept the story it told.

“Do you want a drink?” Ben asked, and he could hear the hesitancy in his own voice. There was something deep inside that wanted to delay what was going to happen. He kept asking himself whether this would be a good decision and stop his mind being paused on New Year’s Eve, or just a night of regret that would make the hurt in his body a thousand times worse.

He nodded in agreement and Ben called over the bartender, downing the last of his drink. His mind was reeling and his heart was beating fast, threatening to punch through his chest. The alcohol hit where it was needed, and he soon grasped the new glass that was placed in front of him, taking another long sip.

“Do you wanna get out of here?” he asked, looking at Ben, almost giving him a chance to change his mind, to slip away in the night and pretend this never happened. He could do that. He could go back to his room, pull the blanket over his head and cry about how everything went wrong with Callum, like it wasn’t his decision or choice that got him here. He could remain in that limbo.

Instead, he made a choice. “Yeah, I got a room,” he confirmed, knocking back the rest of the whisky for courage as he slipped off his stool. He watched as the man did the same, and Ben took the opportunity to really look at him, the way his jeans clung to his legs and how even in the dim light he couldn’t deny how attractive he was. That was one of the temptations after all. That’s why this evening was happening.

The walk back to the Bed and Breakfast was quite silent at first. There really wasn’t anything worth discussing. There was no point making idle chit chat about the beautiful beach or how cold it was getting, even for January. Ben wanted to say something, to get the tension out the way, maybe even give a compliment or make a joke. Every time he tried, the words just caught in his throat. He didn’t know how to do this anymore. With everything that had happened over the past few years, it seemed to stump him.

As they walked through the lobby of the B&B, Ben couldn’t help but notice the look of disdain on the manager’s face. This awful creature stuck behind that desk who had probably seen a thousand one night stands crawl in with their residents at an ungodly hour, seen multiple johns bring home a working girl before kicking her out, and never raised an eyebrow of judgement. It seemed his opinion of Ben had fallen even lower, if that was possible. It still wasn’t anywhere near the pure disgust that Ben had for his own actions. For his own choice.

He thought about his life before Callum; turning up at a bar and meeting a match, or just perching by the bar and seeing what he could hook. There were never these shuffling nerves then. He had changed. Perhaps.

The key trembled in his hand as he unlocked the door, but he tried not to let him see, tried not to let him notice. Before Ben even had the opportunity to turn the light on, he was swung around by the shoulder, the action startling him to drop the key on the floor as he was slowly backed into the wall.

It was pitch black in the room as the door swung shut, blocking any residual beams from the hallway. The blackout curtains were closed and it left a sense of being in another world, or being in a dream realm where senses were heightened or dimed depending on the whim of the creator. Ben couldn’t see the man in front of him, but he could hear him swallow deeply as he ran a finger all the way from Ben’s collar and down to his belt, slow and weaving.

The sensation flipped his stomach; this light touch after the forceful press against the wall. It was unpredictable and unexpected and Ben’s pulse felt like a drum beat against the dark. He stood motionless for a few moments, as lips met his neck, his mind still having a wave of wondering if he should back out of this, knowing that there was still time to stop.

This was a new start though. This could be a new beginning, the black surroundings making the experience feel incorporeal, like a rebirth after the world had exploded, leaving nothing there but a flailing soul.

That meant Ben admitting some truths; leaving the past behind, going for what he wanted and not hiding it. He fumbled in front of him grabbing the shirt and clenching on to it tightly. He pulled it towards him, a clash of noses and the fumbling of lips as he settled into a kiss, wanting to feel active, wanting to feel a little control over what would happen next.

His hands worked quickly now, and he let his mind focus on nothing but this moment. The pollution of the past year was stacked away for now. Ben picked through the buttons of the man’s shirt, scratching his nails in a path than followed, forcing out an exhale from the chest in front of him. It was desperate and sharp, and just the reaction he was looking for.

They were still by the door, still lingering on the precipice of the room, and perhaps it was Ben’s security blanket. Not to let this man all the way in. There was the urgency though, this ticking in his brain that was still mindful that if he stopped, if the light started to bleed in, if his eyes adjusted just a little and shapes and expressions started to become clear in front of him, then it would all come crashing down; this brand new world was still in its conception and had a palpable fragility.

Falling to his knees quickly, Ben’s fingers pulled at the belt in front of him, the leather stiff and pert. It was new, not yet moulded to the body, not yet weathered; there would be no marks or scars pressed in to the material and as he leaned his nose closer he could smell the earthy sweetness still ingrained into the item.

Once the buckle was unclasped, he whipped it through the loops of the jeans. There was something appealing in the newness, but also something fearful and he wanted it out of his way rather than have the jangle of the item perforate his ears continually. He ran a finger slowly downwards, mimicking the man’s action from earlier, slowly circling the button before swirling down the zip, stuttered breaths coming from above him giving him the confidence to continue.

Ben could feel the reaction this caused, just one gentle touch rubbing up and down the seams, the rough, course denim stuttering the movement, giving the rhythm a sporadic and unpredictable path that the caused the man to harden even further. An insistent hand reached out to tap his head, wanting Ben to quicken the pace.

The action sparked through Ben, a rebellious streak powering into him, as he lifted himself off his knees, giving the man a quick and exasperating rub through his jeans, before taking a step back with a smirk. He purposefully shuffled his feet along the carpet heading towards the bed, the anticipation flying through him. There was a whipping in the air as a hand grabbed his arm and pulled him along, the darkness disorientating as he felt his balance topple when he was pushed and dragged, his back hitting the mattress that seemed to fly up to meet his body.

Ben was encased with pressure as a body crawled on top of him. It felt comforting, and exhilarating, this cat and mouse chase that had happened since they entered the room. It was the first time he had felt alive in a week. It was the first time he had felt anything.

Clinging his legs around the man’s hips, he pulled the body closer, as dirty kisses were peppered against his mouth, sucking on his lips fervently before their months opened to let out the groans that resided on their urging tongues. The man started to move his hips eagerly, ramming Ben into the mattress, the rusty squeak of the springs echoing loudly around them with each thrust.

They were still no further in removing any clothing, but the man above him didn’t seem to care. Ben moved his hand between them the best he could, rubbing his palm against the bulge in his jeans, causing the man to stutter in his movements, and his breath came out even harsher, even more desperate.

Ben took the opportunity to slide out from underneath his body, giving the man a sharp shove onto his back. He worked quickly this time, wanting to retain the power, wanting to keep the choice his and the decision in his hands. He undid the man’s jeans sliding his hand inside and rubbing the length slowly, feeling all of him, trying not to let any past acts slide into his head. Just focusing on what was in front of him now.

Ben was adjusting to the darkness now, a beam of a street light making its way through a crease in the curtain; he was able to make out the figure in front of him. He looked up at the man, asking permission with his eyes. He gave it with a hurried nod, before throwing his head back in expectation. Ben pulled the man’s jeans down with an eager hand, tapping his hip to ease both them and his boxers lower. He let his cheek rest on the soft skin unveiled as his fingers traced up and down his hips. Ben knew it took the man by surprise when he leaned forward and suddenly took his cock in his mouth, one hand moving to stroke up and down to the base with vigour. He heard the gasp, and saw as one hand gripped the headboard tightly and the other was thrown over his eyes.

Ben continued to move up and down the length, saliva building in his mouth, the sound of his movements hitting the air audibly and sinfully. He reached down and undid his own jeans quickly, only bothering enough to squeeze his own hand in, pounding his fist to the same rhythm as his mouth.

The movements was becoming staggered now, and he could feel the man below him start to tense, reaching out with his hand to the back of Ben’s head to force his mouth into the rhythm that he wanted; that would send him over the edge. It was that push and pull of dominance again, but Ben let him have this as he was chasing his own pleasure with an increased urgency. The was a staggered release of breaths from further up the bed, as the man came, releasing into Ben’s mouth. He didn’t stop working with his mouth until he felt the pressure and wave build in his own body, resting his head on the man’s stomach as he rode out the sensation.

They lay there in the nothingness for a little while, the light becoming brighter and brighter in the room, and pushing the dark further and further away.

“Missed you,” Ben said after a moment, his breath still heavy and the sweat dampening his forehead, as he played with the soft hair on the man’s stomach.

“Missed you more,” Callum replied.

They must have just lay there for an hour, ridding themselves of the rest of their clothes before pulling the covers over them. Still. Only Ben’s fingers running up and down Callum’s arm giving any indication that either of them were awake.

It was Callum who broke the silence, who broke them out of the bubble.

“They arrested James,” he said, updating Ben on the case. “He wouldn’t stop talking apparently, trying to cut himself a deal. Put the Maguires right in it. They’ve been nicked too.”

“Our names come up at all?” he asked, though it wasn’t his main concern. It wasn’t what he had been worried about all this week. “He explain why he got a wrench sized cut on his head?”

Callum shook his head. “Never mentioned us,” he replied, and that was something. That it was finally over. “Alex promised to keep us out of it. He might not always do the right thing, but he’s got good reasons. He’s got them now. Been working on it for years. He ain’t gonna let them go.”

“That’s good,” he replied, but the time for small chit chat was coming to an end. “We need to talk.”

Callum sat up, causing Ben to roll off where his body was laying across his chest. “I know,” he said, running his hand down Ben’s cheek to reassure him; to let him know not to panic. “Let’s go get something to eat, yeah? That Fish and Chip shop down the promenade always stays open until the clubs chuck out, even on the week.”  
  


They got dressed and headed out, passing the manager at the lobby who was still shaking his head at Ben for making him believe that Callum was dead. He slipped his hand into Callum’s fingers, pleased when he gripped back, rubbing his thumb back and forth.

The light was still beaming out when they arrived at the Fish and Chip shop. They made their order to the teenager working the fryer, and Ben rested his arms on the high counter as they waited. Callum circled his arms around him from behind, swaying their bodies slightly to the dim pop song that was tinkering out of the radio.

“We dancing now, are we?” Ben mumbled, as Callum kissed his cheek and followed the pattern down to his neck, letting his lips remain there as he hummed his confirmation. “Can’t live with each other, can’t live without each other, but we’ve added a bit of a jig to our repertoire, so everything’s going to be alright.”

There was a cynicism clear in his tone, but for some reason it didn’t seem to bother Callum. He just carried on swaying them gently and holding on tight. “Its good to have a hobby together when you’re in a relationship,” he said, moving one of his hands down and pressing it against Ben’s hip, pushing his body backwards as Callum stepped even closer. “I saw that on one of them morning shows.”

Ben chuckled, but still had a lingering question. “I don’t think trying to have me up against the fryer in a seaside chippy was quite what they had in mind,” he said, moving his head to place a kiss on Callum’s arm. “Relationship, eh? You sure?”

They were interrupted by the server before he could answer, and Ben grabbed two wooden chip forks before they headed outside.

They walked along the promenade, picking at the chips as they went. Ben looked out at the sea, the sky coating the beach in a violet hue, tinging everything with a purple layer. It hit the stones, making them seem more alive, more active while everything else slept.

When they finished the food, Callum rolled the empty paper up in his hands and threw it into a nearby bin, before taking Ben’s fingers and pulling him in a different direction.

“I don’t want to go there,” he said, realising where Callum was leading him.

The pier was lit up on the distance, like a beacon calling them or a siren beckoning them to another death with her song.

“Tough,” Callum replied. “That’s where we need to be for this.”

It sent a rattle through his bones, those words. After last time.

They reached the end of the pier, sitting down and hanging their legs off the end, just as they had a week ago. The sea was more at peace this evening, the moon high up in the sky beaming towards the lullaby waves.

“Why’d you come back?” Ben asked. There had been enough silence, enough time without words as a result of too many of the wrong ones.

Callum hooked his arms over the barrier, resting his chin on one as he turned towards Ben, the was a slight smile on his face and peeking through his eyes. “When I got back, I had a look through that box you got me for Christmas.”

Ben frowned, the worst of his fears showing through. “Why?” he questioned, his voice a little harsher than necessary, but that critique was aimed at himself. “What happened?”

Callum shook his head, his lips still upturned as if the memory had been replaced by a better one. “I was a bit upset,” he started, and Ben turned his head away, his eyes burning into the midnight horizon as he chewed destructively at his cheek. A soft hand rubbed at his shoulder, pleading with him to not look away. “Ain’t your fault. It just is what it is. I found something in there you never showed me at Christmas anyway.”

Ben turned his head back, working through his brain at what else he had put in the box. He remembered. “A little white bird ornament,” Callum reminded him.

“It’s a Christmas tree decoration,” Ben explained with a shrug, though there was nothing he put in the box without thought. “It’s from the song we always sing to annoy Jay. The Twelve Days of Christmas?”

“I know where it’s from,” Callum replied softly. “There are two of them in the song though, and this was only one! I know why you included it too.”

“It was a bit of tat I got off Mo,” he smirked back, trying to dismiss the meaning and make light of it. “She offered a partridge in a pear tree as well, but I thought I’d end up with a stuffed pigeon in a yucca plant.”

Callum tutted, but there was no blame of malice in his tone, or in his face. He looked serene, Ben thought, and he had done since he sat next to him in the bar. All that tension that had lived and fed off his expression for all those months had gone.

“No,” he said, his tone contradicting the jest of Ben’s words. “Actually, it reminded me of you, and how hopeful you are. That’s what that bird symbolises, ain’t it?”

“Me hopeful?” Ben asked. All of the names he had been called in his life, that wasn’t one of them. “Is the sea air affecting your memory, babe?”

“It reminded me of last year,” Callum said, reaching out and taking Ben’s hand. “All that crap I put you through when we were getting together. You never gave up on me. You got the shit kicked out of you by my brother and you still came back to me. Every time I tried to get away, every time you tried to leave, we always came back. Despite everything that went against us. If that ain’t hope, then I don’t know what is.”

Ben nodded simply, he didn’t know if he was entirely convinced, but sitting here holding Callum’s hand after days of feeling the emptiness in his palm was a compelling argument.

“That’s what I’m doing,” Callum continued. “It’s my turn now. I ain’t giving up on you. Not never. It don’t work, we’ve tried walking away, but it don’t work because we believe in this. In us. You do too, other wise you would have walked out that bar.”

“I didn’t have much of a choice,” Ben exclaimed. “You’ve voodooed my phone so you can track me! A right little stalker boyfriend you turned out to be!”

“Alex got some of his police mates to do it a few months back,” Callum answered, a little sheepishly. “Let me know who was messaging you and what you was sending back to them. Sorry. I’ll buy you a new one.”

“I should think so,” Ben said. “You stalked me and got me arrested!”

Callum laughed, the sound becoming stronger when he saw the sour glare Ben sent his way. “You’re hardly Nelson Mandela; you was out in a couple of hours! It was the only option I had, and the risk was low. I was ninety nine percent sure they wouldn’t charge you.”

Ben knocked Callum’s hand away when he bust into laughter towards the end of his statement, barely able to get the words out. “So just to round up, you stalked me, you grassed me up and then you stole from me. I hope you ain’t hoping for a reference to provide your next fella with!”

He turned away shaking his head, a smile forming on his lips despite himself. Fingers clawed their way to the back of his hair, and Ben leaned his head back and closed his eyes. He could feel a warmth on his cheek as Callum came nearer. “I’ve already let him have a test drive. He seemed quite keen.”

Ben opened his eyes and rested his forehead to Callum’s. “He’d heard you got 200K in the back of your car,” he replied as soft kisses butterflied against his temple. “Bit of gold digger I’d say. You might not want him.”

There it was. The truth delivered in jest. “I’m always gonna want him,” Callum whispered, pressing his nose against Ben’s cheek, and it made his skin tingle with the chill. He hadn’t noticed the weather the whole time Callum had been back. He’d spent the last week unable to get warm, the frost biting to his core, but now it had changed. The air felt kinder, comforting, like a benevolent leader who showed sympathy after showering scorn. “He might not want me when I found out what I did with the money though.”

Ben darted his eyes across. Callum didn’t look guilty. He looked proud. “Any chance you’ve bought a lovely suburban estate with the two hundred grand?”

“You’d get bored out in the country,” Callum said, shuffling closer and putting his arm around Ben’s shoulders. “You’d end up picking a fight with a shire horse. It weren’t two hundred grand anyway, I counted. It was a load more. Three hundred and twenty eight thousand pounds and forty eight pence. I think the change was just some loose coins that were already knocking around in the bag though.”

“Are you telling me we’ve got over three hundred thousand reddies?” Ben asked, shaking his head at the prospect, before thinking back on Callum’s words. “Or should I say had? You ain’t chucked it in the sea have you?”

“I did think about it. Just throw it out, get rid and pretend it weren’t there. It probably have washed up on the stones before I’d finished emptying the bag though. You can’t just chuck something away and hope it will stay gone,” Callum confessed. He cleared his throat a little then, pausing in thought. “I had an email from Susie a few weeks ago.”

“Who’s Susie?” Ben asked slowly, confused about the non-sequitur in the conversation, but knowing Callum well enough that he was wary about what he was going to say.

“She was that lady who showed us around when we went to get Jet,” he explained. “You said she looked like a Doberman with a facelift that had been sucking on a helium balloon, you remember?”

“Oh yeah,” he grumbled. “She kept trying to wave a Chihuahua under my nose in the hope the whiff of wet dog would make me want to take the little rat home.”

Callum nodded in confirmation. “Well this email was saying how the rescue centre was struggling and they were having a winter fayre to fundraise. I think she wanted me to buy some raffle tickets.”

It hadn’t even taken half the sentence before Ben started to turn his face, his eyebrows raised. “Callum, please tell me you haven’t given three hundred grand to a dogs home.”

“No,” he replied, rubbing Ben’s shoulder with his hand to pacify him. “Only a hundred grand of it.”

“A hundred grand?” he exclaimed. “That place is only tiny, it’s hardly Battersea. You’ll have some golden retriever prancing about in a diamante collar!”

“They needed the money,” Callum explained, his eyes large as they softly lulled him. “They rescued Jet, Ben. They took care of her, looked after her and made her safe. All those dogs out there just wanting to be loved, but ended up being kicked and abandoned cause someone though they weren’t good enough. They give ‘em a home. Somewhere to feel safe.”

“Alright, alright,” Ben said, holding his hands up in defeat. “You’re right. We probably owe it for Jet anyway. What we did to her.”

“We cared for her, we loved her and looked after her,” Callum said, his voice firm. “She was poorly anyway; probably from the neglect she had as a puppy. She would have tried to protect us and put up a fight. There’s plenty we can take the blame for, but that ain’t it.”

“No more secrets, yeah?” Ben said. “No more hiding things form each other. It just fucks up both our heads. All those months, I knew there was something going on. All these puzzle pieces were coming together one by one, fitting everything that was happening together. There was still one piece missing. There was still a gap that meant I couldn’t get the picture. It was you. You were the final missing piece.”

“I didn’t mean for you to worry,” Callum said. “I wanted to tell you, but I knew you’d try and protect me and everything would go wrong. I weren’t the final piece anyway, just the last piece that you had. Nothing is ever as it seems. I needed to do it and it needed to be done, for all those soldiers that come home and fall apart. I found a charity that supports them, looks out for people that have been in the services when they get back. I give them hundred grand and all.”

“That’s good,” Ben replied, snuggling his head into Callum’s neck. “That’s really good. Still a hundred grand left to spend on a good night out. We’ll bring Jay along; he‘s a cheap date, he’ll be happy with a bottle of larger and a plate of nachos. And he’ll have a little coupon he’s clipped out the paper for that!”

“Did you know that Mary was married before she met Richard?” Callum asked him, changing the subject again before nodding towards the fluttering water below them.

“I met her when she was shoved into a cardboard box, Callum; she weren’t the best at giving me her life story when burnt to crisp crumbs and sliding about in my backseat.”

“She got married really young, and he went off to war. He never came back,” Callum explained. “She never gave up though. Richard came back from war, but it got him bad in the head. They found each other. They found the love of their life and they grabbed on and didn’t let go despite all the awful things they went through before. They had hope and they had a long and happy life.”

“It’s easy to say,” Ben replied, though he wanted to believe him. He knew they were both just broken. Two charity shop puzzles with the pieces scattered around the box, the edges of the cardboard softened and stained, the colours dulled and scraped. They had tried to put themselves back together, but the missing pieces and snapped edges meant that they could never represent the picture on the box. Those bits were lost. Once something was gone, it didn’t come back.

“But life ain’t some perfect little story where everything gets wrapped up neatly at then end,” Ben continued. “Cause there ain’t no ending apart from the final one. Things carry on beyond the ever after. You can’t change some things. Paul, Chris, Jet; they’re all gone. Nothing that gets lost comes back, not really, not to people like us. It would be amazing to pretend that these amazing pieces click into place and everything is going to be perfect, or it can be explained.”

“I know that it can’t. I know that,” Callum said, and there was a cry in his tone.

“Things just go, people just go. There’s nothing you can do and you fall into a thousand pieces within seconds. But there’s this small part of you, that little flame that hopes it didn’t happen, that you can just click your fingers and everything will be back to how it was. You remember when we watched Mary Poppins with Lex? And she just snapped her fingers and the nursery magically fixed itself? It don’t happen, Callum,” Ben said gently, and he knew he was preaching to the choir. “If something is broken, it never fully gets back to being whole.”

“So what?” Callum said forcefully, wiping his hand under his own eyes, then brushing the tears away from Ben’s cheek. “So we’re a couple of battered, old second hand puzzles that have been chucked about. And yeah, we’ll never find those missing bits, and yeah maybe we’ll never be perfect, but that’s okay. It’s like that vase of your mum’s you knocked off the shelf. We stuck it back together, but it don’t look the same. It’s still broken and chipped, but we made something from those pieces.”

“It rattles every time you slam the door too loudly,” Ben replied fondly. “Mum glares in time to the wobbles! It’s quite a skill!”

“Grandad said to me once, something I’ve never forgotten,” Callum continued. “I asked how he always seemed so positive, always so happy after he’d lost Nan, and so many of his friends that died during the war and since then. He said that he may have lost them, but they’d done their job. He would carry around their time together, their words and their love from now until the end. No one could take that away. But he said if he kept only looking at those things then he wasn’t carrying on their job for them. Don’t look at what you’ve lost, he said. Look at what you have left.”

“So we start again,” Ben said, sniffing, not even bothering to hide the tears that still rolled. “And don’t look back.”

“We can look back,” Callum said. “We can glance and remember what we had. And what we didn’t. All we’ve been through, Ben. Everything we went through with our dads, abandoned by our mums, coming out, bullied, being in places where we were surrounded by so many people and feeling so alone. All we’ve lost. But still we both had a couple of hundred grands worth of jewellery and both chose to give it to our family. We didn’t look back. We looked at what we had left and what we could create from that. That’s hope.”

“Wait, what do you mean ‘the vase I broke’?” Ben said, pointing accusingly. “I very much remember you backing me up into that sideboard!”

“Your fault for pouncing on me as soon as the rest of your family had left the house!” he smirked back. “We ain’t perfect. We’re never going to be perfect. We’re not some colourful completed puzzle where the final piece just clicks into place and makes sense, or a vase that has been smashed that can be put back together without a few bumps and cracks. Life don’t work like that, and neither do we. We ain’t gonna hide our scars.”

Ben paused and looked back at Callum, the moonlight highlighting his features, every scar and imperfection and every worry line. It was beautiful. Ben’s hand went and twisted the ring on his finger almost instinctively, before taking it off and slowly twirling it in his hands. “It ain’t that easy,” he muttered, his instinct to pull the metal object back on and hide away.

Before he could place it back, the ring was plucked out of his hands. Callum didn’t even seem to stop to think twice before pulling his arm back and hurling it into the sea, a distant pop heard as it hit the water, fizzing down into the waves. “That’s why I’m here. We don’t have to do anything on our own anymore.”

Ben looked towards him open mouthed. “You do remember we chucked away a piece of evidence down there a week ago?” he said, peering down into the water like an arm was suddenly going to burst out of the water holding the wrench. “You might as well have thrown in my name and address all along with it! And it could have hit a fish!”

“It ain’t got your initials scratched onto it!” Callum announced. “Just give you a bit of a push, didn’t I? I was thinking about Mary and Richard a lot this past week. About what she said to me. When he was gone, she said that she couldn’t remember how to breathe. I can’t breathe when you’re not there. I’ve forgotten how to. Everything she said about him makes sense to me, and I hated that we just had to lay them to rest in the sea with no one around to remember them.”

Ben pointed behind him to the weathered carving on the pier. “We put their names here,” he reminded his boyfriend, rubbing his back in comfort. “We’ll remember them.”

“That’s what I was thinking,” Callum said. “I know we keep scratching names into things, but you were right at Christmas. It don’t last forever. It takes people to make something real, for someone to be remembered how they would have wanted.”

Ben sighed deeply, but he didn’t feel the annoyance it portrayed. Far from it. “Right, come on,” he said, nudging Callum with his elbow. “Out with it. What you done with our final hundred grand?”

“Thirty first of July is going to be Richard and Mary Goodwin Day in Hastings,” Callum said shyly. “I made a few calls, told their story about how they came here every summer and got permission to have a little tea dance on the promenade. That’s where they met properly; at a dance. I found an events organiser who can get it all done, and they’ll be enough to keep it going for a good few years. It’ll be in the Summer holidays every year, so they’ll be loads of people about. Then when the money runs out, it will still carry on because people will remember. And when we’re old, and Lexi’s got her own kids, we’ll still keep on coming down every year, listening to you complain about how there ain’t enough salt and vinegar on your chips!”

“Years and years is along time away,” Ben said wistfully. “What if we don’t get there?”

“We will,” Callum said, and there was so much conviction in every syllable that Ben believed him. He couldn’t help but catch the two words and hold them close. He knew that nothing was for certain, but they couldn’t go through life expecting the worst, even if that’s all that seemed to happen to them. Perhaps if they headed towards the light, the promise, the possibility and the potential then that’s where they’d end up. Perhaps if they looked towards the hope, that’s what they’d find. “Let’s go home, yeah?”

Ben looked towards the white door. He had lost count at how many different magazines he had flicked through, hurling them back on the coffee table with a thump much to the receptionist’s annoyance when she glared his way. There was no one else in the waiting room, not that he was especially in the mood to have a chat with a stranger. His gaze focused on the wonky calendar, as the picture of the March rabbits seemed a little bit too cheerful for this waiting room.

Glancing at his watch again, he realised the hour was almost up, and he was starting to get nervous. He’d encouraged Callum to do this. It wasn’t something he forced upon him, he knew his boyfriend had to be willing, but he needed a little shove. There was the risk that Callum had hated it though, would regret ever coming and Ben would have to face that.

The door swung open, and Callum exited with a smile, waving a goodbye to the occupant inside. Ben stood up immediately, probably too quickly, as he stubbed his toe on the coffee table. “Shit!” he winced, waving a hand in the direction of the scowling receptionist as an apology, before turning to his boyfriend.” You alright?”

Callum smiled at him. “Better than you by the looks of it,” he said, as he linked his hand with Ben and pulled him towards the door. He gave a wave to the lady at the desk who suddenly beamed out a smile. “You didn’t have to wait the whole time.”

“What and miss out on Little Miss Arsey’s stunning personality for an hour?” he replied as they walked down the stairs towards the outer door. “Besides, we do things together, right? How’d it go?”

“Yeah, it was good,” Callum replied. “I didn’t breakdown into some sobbing mess, but just talking a little for an hour was good.”

“Do you wanna tell me about it?” Ben asked. He didn’t want to push anything, but he needed Callum to know that there was nothing he had to hide.

“I do,” he confirmed. “But not now. Besides today’s your birthday! I told you we should have waited for another appointment, we’ve wasted enough of your day already!”

“Think of this as my present to you,” he said, as they walked along the street to the Tube. “Do you want to get a drink before we head back, or should we wait till we go out later?”

“Let’s go back now. I’ve actually got another present waiting for you at home,” Callum said, rolling his eyes when Ben started smirking. “Not that! Jay, Lola and Lexi are coming around for the afternoon. Thought we’d get a bit of dinner in.”

“That’s my present?” Ben replied, wrinkling up his nose. “Watching Jay wolf down a large Texas BBQ, while Lola complains that the potato wedges are never crispy enough?”

“They’re our family; be nice!” Callum said with a gentle scold. “Besides Lexi will be there. I quite fancy having a walk home though. The chill’s gone out the air, don’t you think? Spring’s almost here.”

There was still a slight breeze, still a whisper of cold in its sway and swish as it hissed gently through the trees. The sun was bright though, and it beamed down with a strength and pride at getting through the winter.

“Is it any type of car?” Ben asked, tucking into another cupcake. Callum had made them and presented them to him that morning. He was happily making his way through the plate.

“Where do you think Callum’s going to get the money from to buy you a car for your present?” Lola asked, licking the icing from her own cake off her finger.

Ben and Callum shared a look then. They had given most the money from Buzz Cut away, but there was still twenty eight thousand pounds and forty eight pence tucked away safely. They had agreed to keep it for now, not to rush into spending it. Their rainy day money.

“Besides, you run a car lot, Ben!” she continued, crumbs flying everywhere when she gesticulated. “That would be like wrapping up some embalming fluid for his gift next week!”

Callum smiled, as he poured her out another drink, and flipped the caps off a couple of beers. “Don’t give Big Nigel any ideas! I saw him flicking through the coffin catalogues after he found out it was my birthday in a few days,” he mentioned, passing Ben a beer where he was sat on the couch.

“Well you said it was something that Jay was bringing around!” he said with a sigh. He didn’t have much patience with waiting for presents. “Will he be here before mum picks Lexi up from school?”

“Yeah, I think so,” Callum said, just as there were three raps on the door. “That’s him! Close your eyes.”

Ben did as he was told, but smirked back. “Should I open my mouth as well? Thought we were saving that for later,” he said moving his head in the direction he thought his boyfriend had gone to, before he heard Lola dramatically retch in the kitchen. He waited for a few moments before something was placed on his lap, just by his hands. He was confused as he had expected to feel slippery, shiny wrapping paper around a box. Instead it was soft and fuzzy, like a fluffy cushion. A cushion that moved and was now licking his hand.

Opening his eyes, the unsubtle clues confirmed what he had suspected. In his lap, and snuffling its snoot into his hand, was a small black and white puppy, one of its ears flopped back as it tried to roll onto its back. “What the fuck is this?” he asked, his eyes moving accusingly to the occupants in the room.

“Not my idea,” Jay replied, holding his hands up. “I just picked the thing up. I was outvoted on this one, mate.”

“It ain't a thing, Jay!” Lola scolded, coming to sit next to Ben, and scratch the pink belly offered. “She’s a little baby girl, aren’t you? Would you both stop looking at her like she’s an alien that’s just landed.”

“Lo, take Jay and go get some ice-cream will you?” Ben said, still holding his hands away as the puppy wriggled on her back and tried to fight her hind leg. “We ain’t got much in the freezer, and I fancy some for after tea.”

Lola switched her eyes between Ben and Callum as her expression dropped. “Okay,” she said, reluctantly making her way off the sofa and grabbing her purse. “We won’t be gone long though, just a couple of minutes.”

They both made their way to the door. “Bet you a fiver one of them won’t be there when we get back,” he heard Jay mutter before Lola hit him in the arm.

As the door slammed shut Ben looked towards his boyfriend, who had his eyes down and picking at the crumbs of a cupcake case. “Callum,” he called softly. “Come sit down.”

Callum rubbed his hand nervously on the side of his jeans, as he made his way to the sofa, perching on the end. He finally met Ben’s eyes with a soft expression. “Surprise,” he said meekly.

“What is this?” he asked, curious about the choice of gift that had now rested her head on her paws and decided Ben’s leg made a suitable place for an afternoon snooze. “Why is my present now having a kip and drooling on my best jeans?”

“You’ve got about three of those same pair,” Callum said, raising his eyebrows, as the dog gave a snuffling snore. “You’ll survive the mauling. When I went to take the money to Susie, there was this poorly dog that had been brought in. She was pregnant and in a bad way. I wanted to know what happened, and the centre phone a few weeks later. She had the puppies; a boy and a girl but she didn’t make it.”

“What about Jet?” Ben asked quietly, as the puppy started to wag her tail in her sleep. They still had all her things tucked away in a bag in the cupboard, ready and waiting, as if she were suddenly going to return.

Callum reached out and brushed the fur of the dog gently as she opened her heavy eyes at the touch. “She’s gone,” he replied, not harshly but stating a fact. Something they could never change. Something lost that couldn’t be returned. “She would want this little one looked after though, I think?”

Ben nodded, reaching his hand down and picking up the ball of fluff. He brought her up to his face, receiving a lick to the nose before she snuggled her face into Ben’s neck. “What’s her name?” he asked, and Callum’s face beamed into a smile. He knew that there was no way he was letting go now.

“Well, she’s yours. It’s up to you,” Callum said, leaning into Ben’s other side. “I’m going to have to rule out any name with a car in it though! I’m not calling out Jaguar when I’m in the park!”

“It’s alright, I’ve got the perfect name,” he said, leaning over so he could tuck them both under his boyfriend’s arm. “Don’t think you’re getting away with this being my present, though! I’m going to make an actual list of all the things you can do to me tonight.”

“Done,” Callum replied, pressing a kiss to his hair. The door swung open, and Jay and Lola returned holding cartons of ice cream. “Did you get strawberry?”

“We got every kind in the shop!” Jay commented, placing them on the counter. “We weren’t sure if we were going to come back to a birthday party or a break up, so we got a flavour for every occasion!”

“Aww,” Lola said, clasping her hands together. “You look so adorable, the three of you. What you going to call her?”

Callum looked towards Ben, his eyes eager to find out as well. “Dove,” he replied. “Her name’s Dove.”

Jay screwed his face up in confusion. “What like the bird?”

Ben gave a sigh of annoyance. “No Jay, like the soap. I’m hoping to use it as a hint for the fact you whiff and could do with showering more.”

“Alright!” Jay conceded, putting the ice cream in the freezer. “It ain’t exactly an obvious name is it? It’s a dog not a bird!”

“It means like peace and hope, or love, don’t it?” Lola explained, getting one of the tubs back out and opening it up. “It’s beautiful. I think it’s a perfect fit.”

“Oh yeah, giving it a name that means peace when it belongs to a couple whose slanging matches wake up half neighbours,” he remarked, pulling out two spoons from the drawer. “Real fitting that!”

Ben wasn’t listening though, he just gripped Dove with one hand and held on to Callum with the other.

“Hey baby, come here,” Ben called, as they came through the door, the flat dark in the late hour. They had been to The Albert for Callum’s birthday, with both Tina and his mum freely pouring the drinks. They had paced themselves though, and managed to both get home still standing, which was more than he could say for Lola who Jay had to drag home an hour previously.

Dove agreeably lifted her small head, and tried to quickly scrabble out of the bed. It was ten times too big for her small form, so she promptly fell on her nose while getting out, sneezing in reaction to the sensation. They weren’t entirely sure what mixture of breeds she was, so there was the possibility she would grow even bigger than the bed that engulfed her now. Once she’d managed to clamber off, she skipped her way over to Ben jumping up for attention. “I’m just going to take her out for a quick walk,” he told Callum, as he hooked her lead onto her collar. “I won’t be long. Don’t you go falling asleep on me; I’ve got plans for you.”

Callum leant in and kissed Ben on the lips, the taste of some strawberry concoction Tina had constructed sweet on the blush skin. They lingered close for just a second, both their eyes heavy with emotions and intoxication. “I’ll wait.”

The air was definitely getting warmer, though the alcohol undeniably helped take an edge off the midnight chill. Dove happily trotted next to him, the darkness unfearful to her, and Ben couldn’t help but admire her innocence and optimism, passing every twig, hedge and piece of litter with a greeting and a wag of her tail.

Once Ben got to the car lot, he unlocked the portacabin and hurried inside. He turned on the small lamp and placed Dove on the sofa before heading to his desk. Laying on the floor, he started to unscrew one of the bottom panels, the fixings placed in tight from where he had secured them a few months ago.

As he was slowly tightening them, Dove hoped down from the sofa with a dramatic ruff, and scampered over to him, coming to his face and licking his cheeks, assuming he was down at her level for that very reason.

Ben sat up a little as he eventually managed to pull the panel off. This was a place that no one knew about; Not his dad, not Jay and not even Callum. Just him, and Dove now. She tentatively poked her nose in the space sniffing wildly for any hope of food. Ben reached his hand in and fumbled around. There were a few items in there, and most of them would have to be dealt with at some point. Not today though. There was just one he was looking for.

Pulling out the bag, he dusted it off a little, before carefully putting back the panel, and tightly fixing it. No one else could look in there and see the contents. He made sure of it. No one else could see.

Reaching for Dove’s lead, he picked out the small gift bag he removed. Callum would be wondering where he had been by now, his evening walk with Dove usually no more than a few minutes around the Square. Ben locked the cabin door, and paced quickly back to the flat, picking up Dove and carrying her so her little paws could keep up.

“I’m back!” he called through the door, unhooking Dove so she could go and lap fervently at her water bowl. There was no reply, and he smiled as he entered the lounge and saw Callum on the sofa, his socked feet up on the coffee table and eyes shut. He looked peaceful, his sleep looked easy finally, and that brought Ben more hope than anything else.

Taking off his coat, he roughly kicked off his shoes and sat next to Callum, as Dove gripped on to Patches’ ear with her tiny teeth. She had claimed the soft rabbit as her own, and was in the process of trying to haul it back to her bed despite it being almost as big as her. She was tenacious though, and wouldn’t be beaten.

There was a slight snuffle next to him, and when Ben turned his head Callum’s eyes were blinking before he gave a yawn, shaking some of the sleep out of his head. He turned to Ben with a big smile. “Hi,” he said, his voice scratchy. “I must have dozed off.”

“It’ll be your age,” Ben remarked, turning his body slightly towards his boyfriend. “Still got a good few years in you before I exchange you for a newer model though.”

“I can’t believe you just made a car reference and failed to mention giving me a good servicing.” Callum smiled back, his eyelashes hovering heavy over his cheeks. “You’re going soft.”

“Now that one I ain’t gonna to let slide,” Ben smirked back. “I’ll show you exactly how hard I am when we go to bed, if you can keep up with me, soldier boy! Wouldn’t want you nodding off.”

“Oh I can keep up,” Callum grinned back, running the back of his finger down Ben’s cheek. “You were gone for a while before I fell asleep anyway.”

“It was a nice night,” Ben said, looking away slightly. No more lies, but this one was just a white one. He looked over at his accomplice who had fallen asleep halfway to her bed, with a soft rabbit ear draped over her. “Feels proper like spring now.”

“What’s that?” Callum asked, nodding towards the bag still clasped in Ben’s hand.

“It’s a present.”

Callum looked at him curiously. “But it’s gone midnight. It ain’t my birthday anymore. Besides, you got me loads of presents,” he reminded him, as Ben thought back to that morning, the lounge covered in so much wrapping paper that they lost Dove underneath it more almost ten minutes before she chewed her way out.

“This one’s different though,” he explained, and he could feel his palms clam up a little. He’d tried practising this, imagining it and talking it through in his head, but the reality was highly different, and any conscious though seemed to have disappeared from his brain. “I was going to give you it at Christmas, but I chickened out a bit. That and getting arrested put a bit of a damper on things.”

“You’re never going to let that go are you?” Callum replied with a chuckle. “Come on then, hand it over.”

There was a moment that Ben thought he could just take it back, the little voice in him whispering that it wouldn’t be wanted. Looking at Callum’s shiny blue eyes and sleep pinkened cheeks though, he knew it was worth the risk. He handed over the bag.

Callum reached in and pulled out a small ornament of a white bird. “There’s the other one!” he exclaimed, sitting up a little. “I knew there had to be two turtle doves!”

Ben smiled, pleased at the reaction, but he swallowed heavily when he knew what was coming next. “There’s more in there,” he said, tapping the bag.

Callum put the dove down on the arm of the sofa as he reached back in the bag. Although he knew what was in there, Ben’s heart pounded so loudly and then seemed to stop when he brought out two small, cubed boxes; one red and one blue. Callum looked at them, picking one up and tracing the edge carefully with his finger. “What’s this?” he asked, though there wasn’t a tone of complete obliviousness in his voice.

“Well you have to open the box,” Ben said, trying to roll his eyes in a casual way, like this obvious. Like he did this every day and he wasn’t clenching his fist together to avoid his hand from shaking. Callum nodded, and did as he was told, opening the clasp with a small creak.

Time seemed to pause as Callum looked at the item, though there could be no confusion as to what it was. Ben wasn’t sure if he should say anything, or even what to say, his mind just flooded. Eventually, Callum pulled out the contents, twirling it around in his fingers. He squinted in closer to read the words marked there, before quickly opening the other box to confirm what he expected. “Rings,” he said, his voice almost breathless.

“I wanted to do it at Christmas, make it one you wouldn’t forget, although I suppose it was memorable in a different way,” Ben rambled, as his fingers clenched tighter, trying to draw all the uncertainty of the moment away. “I know we don’t need to, and it don’t mean anything really. It does but no more than we’ve already got. It’s just a piece of paper, ain’t it? But why shouldn’t we? No matter what, we’re always going to find our way back to each other. No matter how lost we are, I’ll always find you. You’re the one I’ll always find. I don’t know much, but I know that. I know that, Callum. What do you think?”

Callum looked to the ring in his hand and then back to Ben huddled next to him on the sofa. It was an eternity in that moment, as he feared the worse and they were about to be pushed back to him, a rejection. It wouldn’t be unkind, that wasn’t Callum. But it would shatter his heart into a million pieces. That would take some mending to create something from it. An impossibility.

“Are you proposing?” Callum asked, furrowing his brow towards Ben.

Ben sighed, his fingers unclenching with nerves and filling back up with annoyance. “What do you think I’m doing? Presenting you with napkin rings for our next unsuccessful dinner party?”

“Ben, I’m sitting here in Iron Man socks Jay got me for my birthday, boxers and an old t-shirt with a hole in it. One of my eyes is half shut and that five minute sleep seems to have made my body feel like lead. I’m also half cut from whatever Tina put in those Daiquiris earlier. What exactly do you want me to say?” Callum asked, shaking his head.

Turning his body around so he was facing the coffee table, Ben huffed audibly. “Well an answer would be nice!” he muttered, folding his arms.

“You ain’t asked me a question!” Callum shouted, rubbing his face with annoyance.

“Will you marry me?” Ben yelled back, not even wanting to look in his boyfriend’s direction right now.

“Yes!”

There was silence as Ben carried on looking at the wall, his teeth grinding together in a way knew annoyed his boyfriend. He wasn’t sure how, but he knew the very moment that Callum started to smile. He could feel the room lighten, he could sense this lightness next to him as the corners of his own mouth started to turn up.

“B.M + CH 2019,” he heard the voice next to him whisper. “You did the same as me and put the year we met on them.”

Finally, he turned to face Callum, who was sitting and holding the ring, staring at it with an affectionate grin. “It’s like you said; that’s when it all started.”

“Why are there two engagement rings?” he asked, now turning his head and reaching for the other box.

“Well they ain’t engagement rings. They’re wedding rings, one’s for me, obviously,” he said quirking his lips.

“I don’t get an engagement ring and I’m proposed to in my socks?” Callum teased. “Right old romantic you are!”

“We’re going to be wearing these for the rest of our life, I thought I ‘d spend some notes on them rather than forking out for another ring as well,” Ben said, taking the red box in his hand possessively. “How much gold do you want on your hands, exactly? You’ll be rattling round like a pirate. You’ve got twenty eight thousand pounds and forty eight pence knocking about in your back pocket. Buy your own sodding engagement ring!”

“Alright!” Callum said, trying not to laugh at Ben’s outburst. “I love it, I just can’t wear it till we’re married can I?”

“Why not?” Ben said, taking the ring out of Callum’s hand. “The meaning will be the same. It’s not about showing other people how we feel. It’s about us. Wear it if you want to wear it.”

Callum leaned over and took the red box in his hands, opening it up. He took out the white gold ring, the light of the lamp catching on it. “Maybe just for tonight, then we’ll save them, yeah?” he suggested. “Will you wear yours tonight?”

Ben nodded, and Callum gripped his hand and slid the ring on his finger, pulling it to his mouth to seal it with a kiss. Ben did the same, placing the ring on Callum’s finger, before entwining both hands. It was done.

Leaning forward he placed a kiss on Callum’s lips. It felt new and different in a way, like all those moons ago in that park. It felt like the start of something. He kept his face close, nuzzling into his boyfriend’s cheek, feeling Callum’s fingers caress his back as the other hand kept linked with his.

“Do you think we’ll be alright now?” Callum asked, the words warm on Ben’s face. “I know we’ve had our problems, and I’ll know we’ll have more. But do you think we’ll get through it all? Us two?

Three little words appeared on Ben’s tongue. They were ambiguous in meaning, but not to him. For him they meant a new start, a second chance and the idea that more would go right than could ever go wrong. The idea of not always looking back at what was lost, but turning towards what you had found.

“I hope so.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The End!
> 
> I will go back and post a little playlist for each chapter when I remember to get it from my phone. There was one song though that covers it all, and helped inspire all the way through this story, the last chapter especially, and that's 'When Doves Cry' by Prince.


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